tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12611625966301928502024-03-14T15:55:08.070+01:00The Blue SpirePerovskiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02288179080765960283noreply@blogger.comBlogger739125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1261162596630192850.post-19459790776881008032016-04-22T16:54:00.002+02:002016-04-22T16:54:35.921+02:00On Turning 40It happened. It was bound to, I guess. 40. It just sort of slipped in like a letter under the door. <i>There</i>, but in an unassuming, unabtrusive way, whether you want to acknowledge it or not. <br />
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I'm having a party tomorrow to celebrate with some friends (and W's parents). Looking forward to it. A few people cancelled last minute so I fear we have too much food to know what to do with, but... #firstworldproblems.<br />
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I've had a pretty good birthday month so far. W. gave me the best gift of all - a private session to play the cello. It's been on my Bucket List for a little while (okay, it was the only item on said list and the first time I've ever created the list) and I got to play one. It was a complete surprise (and I'm hard to surprise!). It was so great and I want to do it again! Lessons would be awesome, though not affordable at this time. <br />
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I also got to volunteer with TEDx last week. That was pretty awesome, too. A very long and a very tiring day, but very, very enjoyable. At the end of the day I even got to fill in for a participant who didn't show and sit in for a dinner. I was at the table with 3 lovely gentlemen and the conversation was absolutely fantastic. An evening I won't be soon to forget. <br />
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I don't have time to blog like I used to. The starting of a business really eats my time. Not that I'm complaining; I'm really enjoying it. Okay, stressing out a little, but that's part 'n parcel to starting a business. It's a 'fun' sort of stress, if that makes any sense. You never know how many facets you have to think of, behind a business. Website design (and writing content on said website, which takes for-ev-er), the "small print", marketing, liability and insurance, separate banking accounts, separate travels cards (in my case), having to record the time it takes to do *everything* so you can declare it to be eligible for the tax benefits that come to small businesses, sending out a few samples to spread the word, getting reviews for said product (or from previous family and friends), further development of business (future planning), getting professional photos of products for easier sell, learning a new tax system, learning a new tax system for businesses, and hey, while you're at it learn it in Dutch ONLY, testing new products for sale, then testing again, and so on, and so on. <br />
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It's an extraordinary new world. You learn new things about yourself, that's for sure and I love that. Abilities get pushed. New knowledge learned. My website will be live first of May. Can post link at that time. It's pretty much done now, barring any remaining translation (it's in English and Dutch) and finalizing of post and payment accounts etc. Once the website and launch is done, I'll be able to concentrate more on other avenues I'd like to take with my business. #vaguebooking<br />
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We're STILL waiting on a house. This process is testing my patience. I want to move NOW. <br />
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Okay, I gotta keep moving. The joy of groceries must be had. Hope you all have a great weekend!!<br />
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<br />Perovskiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02288179080765960283noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1261162596630192850.post-358322332972898362015-10-13T16:41:00.000+02:002015-10-13T16:41:08.778+02:00The Job That Wasn'tLast time I wrote it was about my dilemma about being sick, the long days, etc. I had to make a decision; return to work and stick it out, or leave and look for other avenues. I don't call it 'quitting' (that sounds so harsh, and I have not at all quit with what I want to do) but I do call it as I see it - not a great fit.<br />
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It wasn't an easy decision to make. I agonized over it. For days. In tears. You have no idea. But some of the hardest decisions we make with such anguish are great learning opportunities. And I don't just think for yourself, but for those on the other side, too. Your decision affects other people, even if you don't always see it. I'm sure there's a ripple effect that goes on. When I was making this decision, it felt like this: I might have felt 80-90% happy to work there, but there was that 10-20% of me that didn't like it on certain terms. While the 20% might have been 'smaller', it felt much heavier, and I can't explain why. One of those, you know there's a reason, you just can't put it into words.<br />
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I didn't return. At the end of the day, I didn't feel comfortable waiting for public transportation (bus and train) for over an hour and having it take me 2 hours to get home. If a shift was 12 hours, I would be having a 16 hr day with transportation. I would also be waiting for said transit late at night alone, and that didn't make me feel great either. I have been in touch with the chef since and he's been pulling 14-15 hour days. No thanks. I'm not at all sorry I left. I could leave certain criticisms, but it's not my business so I'll keep them to myself. I'm sad about it, don't get me wrong. We just have different values. They didn't mesh.<br />
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It was viewed by my former boss that I was 'giving up'. I believe this was the industry speaking, not her. She's very intelligent and likes to ask the right questions and challenge people. But I told you how it was, the industry is very unforgiving. But that doesn't mean that it's *all* cookie-cutter. There will be that one place that doesn't hold the same values or opinions of said industry and they'll be different. That's why it'll be a good fit, cause I'm different, too.<br />
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With my time off I've kept up certain momentum with my business. I've found someone who will help me create a website (yay!) in exchange for some baking (colour me grateful) and I've found the perfect box to ship my brownies. I'm writing content for the webpage and looking at other ideas for packaging to make it more presentable. It's really fun, getting to pick a team you want to work with and cultivating a product from beginning to end.<br />
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Otherwise I'm back in the jobbank pool. Slightly depressing, but I'm trying not to lose hope. I'm confident there's a better fit out there with better conditions. Think positive!<br />
<br />Perovskiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02288179080765960283noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1261162596630192850.post-43629634226543710452015-09-20T18:35:00.000+02:002015-09-20T18:35:18.007+02:00Conflicting ValuesI write to you troubled today, dear reader. I have been brought to the ultimate juxtaposition in my current life (stage). <br />
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It's proving very quickly that my body is not ready for this job. More specifically, my body and current health status are not ready for 11-hour days (which turn into 13(!) with commute). Aside from my current health issues, I'm just recuperating being off work sick for a week. I had a cold from hell and some sleepless nights (admittedly, due partly to anxiety). The last shift I worked before falling ill (overnight) was 11 hours. That did me in. My body was trying to tell me something (and has been since, in other ways!). <br />
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I said I'll be able to return Wednesday this week. I was warned they will be long days, at 10-12 hours each. Maybe they can let me keep 9 hour shifts. Maybe I can start off slow and ease into it until I'm used to everything.<br />
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The problem is... in the food industry, this isn't acceptable. The food industry has a pretty big macho, "Suck it up or get out" mentality. There's no half-assed. There's no doing things only half way. There's little to no "meeting in the middle". <br />
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This isn't the only industry who has mandatory long days. Healthcare is another prime example. Nurses work 12 hours and doctors even longer. It's ironic that positions in the health industry aren't condusive to good health, but I digress. I don't think it's healthy to demand so much of ourselves while we're serving others. Long shifts don't benefit anyone; you get tired and mistakes are made. I realize these are my values and not the industry's. How do we find time for ourselves (also important for personal health and well-being) and our family? Why are we making it okay to just get up, go to work, come home and eat and go to bed - day after day? How does someone with chronic health issues work in an industry they enjoy that otherwise wants to shut them out?<br />
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So... how does one work in an industry they enjoy when it clashes with one of their values? Such a big question with a seemingly impossible answer. But there has to be a way. I'm too stubborn to admit otherwise. I've always wanted to bake and I've always wanted to make a difference in the world with my baking - but I've never had the answer how. Maybe it's not the baking itself, but the path. Maybe I'm keeping my thinking too narrow. <br />
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I don't know. And I don't know if there's ever an answer for what I'm asking. I always want to jump 10 steps ahead; I know what I want in the end, but I never know how to get there. My creativity falls short along the way and then I lose momentum and it's gone. <br />
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Aaaaand..I'm losing battery on my laptop. I take that as a queue for dinner time. <br />
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I don't know if my rambling has made any sense. Maybe someone identifies with it (in which case, that'll be a miracle). Otherwise, I'll see you on the flip side :)<br />
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Happy Sunday!<br />
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<br />Perovskiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02288179080765960283noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1261162596630192850.post-12589806519029683962015-09-03T16:27:00.001+02:002015-09-03T16:27:17.303+02:00On the Up!Remember that depression I wrote about before? Gone. I think it was a combination of things; low Vitamin D levels, hormones, etc. both of which have been ammended or passed.<br />
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There's been a lot of change lately (and as usual, all at once). A lot of good change. First: W got a new job. Decent hours, I think (contrary to his last job) and even if he doesn't get the proper hours it's more per hour, so that'll help out (either way). He's off this week before he starts his new job (Monday). He was off for a couple weeks for vacation a couple weeks ago and it was nice having him home. Now? Now I'm ready to have him back out again :P Said with love, of course ;)<br />
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Second: I got a job. Finally! After 2 years I was ready to kill myself. Listen, one can only occupy oneself for so long. It's so great and I'm really blessed. It's with a small catering company (who seem to do a lot of business, even in slow season) and the people really are fantastic. I talk to my boss on the phone more than my friends! Usually we'll start talking business, but lead off to other things. I think we're around the same age, give or take a year (or two? or five? I really have no idea). I work in the kitchen and while it's only been a couple days, I seem to be doing more sweet/dessert stuff than other things. I think I'm their gluten-free and dessert consult (which isn't her chef's specialty; he's more of a meat/mains/soup guy). I mean really, I'm asked about what I think they should do for / this / or / that /. It's... weird; I'm asked my opinion and it... matters! I'm still in shock! :P My passion for food is embraced and encouraged (as the owner & chef also have said passion) and mistakes in the kitchen are okay; it's how you fix them (and I usually do). I was a bit down about how a couple recipes I made didn't turn out (really, I stressed about this cause it's time and money/ingredients, right?) but I was encouraged not to stress out about it. Just fix it and move on. Taste everything; ingredients, almost-finished product, finished product. I can ask for ingredients for recipes with no questions. They'll even go high and low to get them (and she has). I gave her a list one day on the phone and W. said after it's like having my own personal shopper *lol*. So far it seems I'll just be working a couple days a week and that's fine with me until I get back into the rhythm of working (it's very taxing physically, as with most kitchens. Most days are long, 9 hrs +/-. One day was 11!). And part-time lets me still concentrate on my business on the side (which I still need help setting up a webpage..arrgh!). We can do the webpage, but it takes time, which neither of us really have. Okay, find someone who can do it for free..and...go!<br />
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Also something to note; jobs are a little different here. Or, the process at least. Temp agencies are used 75% of the time, or more. It's rare (but not unheard of) to be hired directly. Why? I haven't really understood yet. There's pros and cons to each (and for the employer himself). So yes, I'm employed through a temp agency to work in the kitchen at my job. W. is also hired by a temp agency for his (try to get a mortgage when you're at a temp agency, I dare ya) :/ Travel expenses are also covered by the employer here, usually in full. Imagine that; your travel expenses, by any medium (car, transit) is (usually) completely covered. <br />
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It's odd to share stories w/W. and say, "At work.. this happened.." or "I have to work Tues and Wed next week." Just to say the word 'work' is so..weird. W. says after a couple years (of being out of work) it's allowed to be (weird). Some things some people take for granted, like a job, is easy when you have one. <br />
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We were accepted for a (rental) house in a town we want to live in, but had to decline as it was not desirable at all (no fence or bike shed, which would have cost a couple thousand easily. Can you imagine that? Spending that much money on a rental property? No thanks.). We want to buy (and incidentally found the perfect house), but with starting new jobs is not realistic right now. Why is life cruel like that? You find the perfect house and then .. nope, sorry, you can't have it yet. /frustrated<br />
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Well, I can't think of anything else to write about right now, specific to the topics at hand. I want to write a post about diets and healthy eating (and how the information can be overwhelming), but can't seem to find the time for that yet, sadly. <br />
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Well, I think I'm going to bake some cookies and find time for dinner (romanesco tonight! Very good for you, and good for the ladies; hormone-balancing). I'll have mine with rice. W. will be having his rice with salmon. It's aaaaaall for him. <br />
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<br />Perovskiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02288179080765960283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1261162596630192850.post-86745862135579549052015-07-18T10:13:00.001+02:002015-07-18T10:13:53.188+02:00On Fighting DepressionI don't know who, if anyone knows, but I suffered from depression in my teens. It was an awful time. Met a therapist who, God love her, was fantastic. She taught me a lot. Said depression came and went over the years. Subsided for (most of) the time I was in G-town, but it's decided to rear it's ugly head lately. Two years being out of work, reduced funds and almost no social life will do that to ya. <br />
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Except now I saw it a *lot* more easily than I used to before. Not only was I aware it was/is happening, but I now have the tools to properly deal with it. It's funny, cause I think back in the day when I used to have it (when I was younger) and I had no idea what was happening; how to sort through my thoughts and feelings, how to approach it holistically and not by medication (to be fair, there was only one time I medicated), how *not* to think I was crazy. <br />
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Now? <br />
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Now I know I'm not crazy (okay, maybe that's still open for debate...teehee). Now I know how to approach mindfulness, either through quiet time, meditation or prayer. Now I know that by controlling my diet and activity, my energy and my body are a bit more relaxed. Now I know how important self-care is. <br />
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That's a lot to be thankful for. <br />
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The external circumstances haven't changed, but my outlook towards them has. The big message the universe is drilling through me is 'gratitude'. It's been happening for a while now; I'll always find something to be thankful for, even in the worst of situations, but it's continual now. Find gratitude. Find gratitude. Find gratitude. I almost feel this is my life purpose and I'm to bring this way of thinking to others. I'm only partly joking.<br />
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Find gratitude, and you will have (be given? I'm not sure of the right term here) grace. Grace, in turn, will continuously flow back to you. <br />
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Oprah once said, "Be grateful for what you have, and you will attract more to be grateful for." I whole-heartedly believe this. Why? Because it's proven itself in my life time and time again. <br />
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Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days. Sometimes our personal life situations (which in themselves are stressful, especially lately) are too much and I'm in tears. But I no longer 'wallow' in self-pity and sit and nom at a batch of cookie dough. I feel shitty for a day, maybe I cry, I move on... because now I know no other way. I've trained myself so well that I can't do that (wallowing) anymore in good conscience. I'm stronger than that and I know I deserve more than that. And I know those around me deserve more than that, too. <br />
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It's funny (though not at the time) that it sucks, cause when I'm low, I hate that I know I'm still strong. Sometimes you still want to bury yourself under a pile of blankets, not exist, eat a tub of Ben & Jerry's and feed into the self-loathing. Unfortunately that's too easy and I'm someone who likes a challenge. You just gotta keep on keepin' on. <br />
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We've also been sugar-free for over a month now and I wanted to do a blurb on the new opinions I've been having about the type of diet to have (not just me, but everyone), but perhaps when I find more time I will write another post. <br />
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Be well, people. Do something special for youself this weekend (an hour of quiet time sans kids? A walk through a city garden? Buy that one thing for the house you've had your eye on for a while? ). Then after you do that, pass it on and do a Random Act of Kindness for someone else. That'll make you feel good, too :)<br />
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<br />Perovskiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02288179080765960283noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1261162596630192850.post-77001258577432747842015-06-26T10:14:00.000+02:002015-06-26T10:14:24.250+02:00Detoxing - What I've Learned So FarIt's been a while since you've heard from me, I know. It seems the more time goes on, the less time I have to blog. I have difficulty as of late prioritizing. That's not like me; I usually know what I want and in what order to do it in. The thing is, I have several issues that have (or are close to) similar priority, that that's when I have trouble deciding/choosing. So each day, if I don't pick what I want to focus on in the morning, I get overwhelmed about mid-day and don't become productive at all. Is my brain getting less functional as I get older??<br />
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I wanted to talk about the recent sugar detox we've been on, that you may or may not know about (via Facebook). Three weeks ago we cut out all sugars from our diet (otherwise known as a 'candida cleanse'). No refined sugar, no natural sugars (honey, agave, maple syrup, etc), no fruit, no breads, no alcohol of any form, no coffee, no processed (even sliced meat) or canned food with any form of sugar in it, no pastries or sweets (of course), no foods that have or are potential to molds (peanuts, black tea and mushrooms). I had an idea how much sugar was in <i>everything </i>because of my background, but it was an eye opener for W. He had no idea and I think went into a bit of shock. Gluten-free grains were permissible (buckwheat) and baking got a lot more creative (I now have a love for dates that provide sweetness). <br />
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The first week I detoxed pretty bad (him not as much). The second week came along better, especially near the end of the second week when we introduced agave, green apples (low pectin) and yogurt (allowed; probiotics). (Third week included spelt.) You'd be surprised how much that opens up your menu options. The first couple weeks were hell. I hate meal planning on the best of days, but this was torture. Into week three we've brought in all fruit but limit consumption to max one serving a day. For now.<br />
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Coming onto the end of week three we're doing *really* well. No sweet cravings, still holding fast to no sugar or sugar in processed products. I've gone from severe detox symptoms (horrible digestion, headaches, skin itchiness, etc) to none of those anymore (except digestion is still not perfect), PLUS I feel lighter, can sit/stand up straight with my shoulders back easier and have slightly more energy. My anxiety? I'd say 60-70% reduced. I can't tell you how much a relief that is and how much "weight" that takes off my being. Oh weight; I've lost 2 kilos (approx 4.5 lbs) to date and holding steady. W. didn't have many health issues aside from eczema on his head and even that is starting to clear up. I think our bodies are still detoxing. We've had *such* a build-up of by-products of sugar in our bodies, they're still trying to harmonize themselves with the new way. And even if you don't believe that, I believe 100% that our bodies are learning to function differently without the dependence of sugar and what it does to our individual organs (thus creating a domino effect with others). W. said he's actually 'tasting' food for the first time as it is. His entire life has consisted of processed foods and frequent desserts after dinner that he didn't know what real food tasted like. And now he's starting to see. How fantastic is that?! He's *really* learning a new relationship with food and I think that's so wonderful. <br />
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A detox, by definition, is impermanent. We're in the midst of deciding our long-term goals. The more we stay away from societal (incl. BigAg, BigSug, BigPharm, etc) dietary pressures, the more I feel back to nature, more harmonized, Reading 'Nourishing Traditions' is also helping a lot (thanks to a borrowed copy from a friend). It's causing me to look more at the source of my food (buy local!), develop deeper relationships with my green grocer and butcher and spend a LOT more time in the kitchen since we're on a whole-food diet. A win-win all around, I think. Long term I would like us to stay away from refined sugar and try to stay closer to natural sugars. Baking will become a challenge for me if not downright impossible. I know there will be social situations when eating processed products, breads or sweets is inevitable, but I'm okay with that. Then we can go back to the way we want to eat. I don't think those days are bad, but I'd like to keep them more in check than before. I don't know; this is something we'll have to discuss further. <br />
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Oh, something else detoxing has taught me: my relationship to food based on mood. I'll go straight for the chocolate if I'm sad, depressed or otherwise down. Like a moth to a flame. I noticed that a lot since of course, I couldn't go for the chocolate at certain times. I miss coffee. A lot. Still. I'm not ready to try it again yet since I fear I would develop another dependence to it (which would also do no favour to my digestive system). We have cheat days, but the 'cheating' is minor; a square of good quality dark chocolate for me, black tea for him. <br />
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So, on that note I shall get on with my day. I have a sink of dishes waiting for me and have to choose my "priorities" for the day. I hope you have a FABULOUS weekend. We're hoping to do something a little more cultural this weekend; it feels like it's been a while. And God-willing if the sun is out and the rain has stopped, stay outside a bit more.<br />
<br />Perovskiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02288179080765960283noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1261162596630192850.post-3857199459026451912015-04-18T08:21:00.000+02:002015-04-18T08:21:27.679+02:00On Turning 3939. One year from f.. f.... fffffffffforty. Gosh that was hard to say. Am I there already? When did that happen? <br />
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I'm one of the self-reflective types when it comes to birthdays. Or at least milestone birthdays, or in this case - close - to milestone birthdays. I damn near had a nervous breakdown when I turned 30. When you're young you set the ideals I want this, this and that by the time I'm 30. I didn't have this, this and that and when I didn't, I felt as if I failed. In reflection, how could I feel as if I failed myself? Life was going as it was meant to. It was society that failed me. Society that builds up the "must-have's" for milestone birthdays. I was given wise words by a then co-worker; the 30's is about relaxing. It's about being comfortable in who you are. It's about speaking up for yourself and not minding doing so. You know what? He was right. My 30's were (for the most part) fantastic. I felt more comfortable in myself than I had - ever. I did things for me, not because of how others felt I should do things.<br />
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As I approach f.. ff... fffffff.... well, that'age, I continue to take stock of what *I* want in my life, not what someone else dictates for me. My generation is all about shedding society ideals and letting go and having fun (at least, some of the people I'm surrounded by) and that indeed, brace yourself, 40 is NOT old. Perhaps it's European culture. The Dutch (for the majority) are very easy going and not about being held-down by emotions, the past, etc. Don't think they don't have ordeals, crisis or difficulties. They do! But they try not to let it hold them back or ever miss out on opportunities. They don't have the heavy weight on their shoulders that I impose upon myself (sometimes). If they do I don't see it.<br />
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Anyways, when I reflect for next year, I want to try to let go of a lot of self-imposed barriers. I don't want to stipulate, "I want to have this, this and live here and.. " because that's unrealistic and we all know as soon as you set a plan for life, it changes. I have less desire for materials things and more for connections of those around me. I have less desire for self-punishment and more for accepting and forgiving the self (a continual work in progress). I've been asking myself why we think it's okay and conducive to beat ourselves up all the time when the opposite is true, but that's another blog post for another time. <br />
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I have to end this now. I'm having a few ladies over for what was going to be a high-tea (W is working today) which has turned into sort of a potluck, mesh of.. stuff. Long story. I need to do some last-minute cleaning before guests arrive.<br />
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Have a wonderful day! It's sunny here and it looks like it's going to be lovely. Happy weekend!<br />
<br />Perovskiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02288179080765960283noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1261162596630192850.post-91222854811704469902015-03-15T16:22:00.002+01:002015-03-15T16:22:34.590+01:00New AdditionWe have a new addition to the family. Meet Eise (a Dutch name, pronounced "eyeszuh" in English), our new four-legged feline friend. <br />
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Eise is a rescue. We have been looking for a while and while a couple of cats in the local shelters appealled to us, none stuck out like this one did. We were scouting online on Marktplaats (akin to Kijiji) and a lady had posted that this cat was kicked out by the previous owners, under 2 years, that he was very sweet and looking for a new home. We exchanged a few emails and went to visit. <br />
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She had been caring for the cat the best she could but has a few of her own so wasn't able to take him on permanently. The previous owners were abusive and discarded cats/animals as soon as they got bored with them (I guess they've been called-on by the authorities before for this) and Sir Orange here was kicked outside. She fed him when possible and brought him in when her other cats were outside. She was right; he had a really sweet temperament, despite being scared as hell around new people. He had a face you just wanted to squish (well I did, anyways). We decided to take him home.<br />
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Poor thing was petrified, rightly so. There was a bit of a kerfuffle when he first got in the house (glass almost smashed, water everywhere, I'll leave the rest of it up to your imagination) but once we quarantined him to the bathroom he became a lot more calm. While limp and mostly unreactive, he did let you put him in your lap and pet him. Noises terrified him (the people who had him yelled at their animals - a lot). He had an aversion to men (I could go near him or pick him up but W. couldn't and the previous lady also noticed he ran away when her husband in the room). He stayed in there a couple days to get a bit more comfortable then he was actually the one to let us know when he was ready to explore more. So, we introducted him to a room or section of a house, 24 hours at a time. He's definitely required patience (but we're not complaining). <br />
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We've had him less than 2 weeks now and he's really starting to come into his own. He's relaxed a lot more but some noises still spook him. Even random ones, like the when the downstairs neighbour is outside. He eats like a fiend and hasn't gotten used to the thought of having food guaranteed and delivered to him twice a day. Often asks for more during the day, but I'm hoping that'll stop in time. He's also been pissing on the area rug and I can't determine if it's behavioural, medical or spraying. If you catch him right before he does it and tell him no and he needs to go downstairs (where his litter box is), he does. His vet visit is this coming Tuesday so he'll get fixed, vaccinated and chipped (for a fraction of the cost in Canada!). <br />
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<i>Starting to get more comfortable being with us.</i></div>
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<i>He's such a soft fuzzball. Loves napping on your lap.</i></div>
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He's such a lap cat. Loves attention and scratches. Especially his nose :) W. and his dad built him a post to jump up on/scratching post yesterday. He used the scratching part at the bottom right away, but is not yet too keen on heights. We think we need to cover the platforms to give traction and that'll help. <br />
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<i>We found the wooden tree post outside and brought it in. Total project: €25.</i> </div>
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Well, expect more stories and pictures of Eise :) <br />
Hope everyone is having a good weekend.<br />
<br />Perovskiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02288179080765960283noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1261162596630192850.post-41771057203179006562015-02-02T23:17:00.002+01:002015-02-02T23:17:36.372+01:00The Social Media Devil - A Vent<div>
Preface: It's 'wordy' and long, I apologize in advance. Had a hard time articulating myself. </div>
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For the past few weeks I've been able to detach myself from the distraction that is Facebook. It's been nice. I feel less obligated to often check a constant source of feed, comments & messages. I feel lighter, less... I don't know. It's hard to put into words. I was also getting frustrated with a lot of memes and nonsense that was taking up a lot of space when all I wanted was to see what my friends had to say about their lives or pictures they wanted to post. Thing is, I'm also missing feeds from pages I follow, but fortunately I get most of those via email as well. I'm doing my best to cut down the million notifications that I feel like I get on a daily basis (slightly overly dramatic, but you get the idea). <div>
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Still, I took it upon myself to comment on a thread the other day in one of my groups. Someone asked me to expand on why I thought what I did (it was about food and nutritional content of said food, what's best to consume, etc) and when I gave it today I was accused by a supposed friend for 'telling people what to do' and 'turning my nose down in judgement about their choices'. I was flabergasted. And upset. It was the straw that broke the camels back. </div>
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One thing about me that not many people know is that I don't like it when people assume anything of me. It's a trigger. This was a classic example and it felt like an attack for no reason. It was assumed the way I came across that I was telling someone how they should eat, when if they a) knew me and b) were the friend they were supposed to be and have my back, understood that I was suggesting eating based on a nutritional point of view. What anyone does with that info is up to them. After that I excused myself from the conversation as I was not being understood (and instead was being accused). I shut off notifications for the post. I went back to check the thread anyways (because I'm a glutton for punishment) and they commented that it was "no big deal".. but no... because you called me out on shit in front of 50 people.. apparently it was. Thing is, I went to the original poster/question and I didn't offend her at all, so it was just that one person's opinion. </div>
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I got upset. A lot. Yesterday I came to the realization that I have nothing in common with any friend I have here because they're rather too busy to get together (due to work or families) or have babies (this accounts for most), or age differences, so when I take a hit from a friend and it feels like they're dropping like flies (because believe me, if they're going to act like this, I don't want to have anything to do with them), I feel it. I find myself thinking about Canada a lot. Today.. just made it all come together. I thought who I thought would have my back doesn't and.. my whole world came crashing down. I miss my friends. I miss the balance I had. Now? No balance. My one reason for being here has been validated a long time ago and I'm left with teetering scales; I have W. on one side and it's empty on the other. I don't know how to handle the imbalance anymore, or how to differently look at the situation. </div>
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It's not without trying. I've tried approaching a couple of businesses in town about volunteer positions and they won't take me (I need to try to stay in town to keep travel expenses to a minimum). Short of waiting for a job, I don't know what else to do... but something has to change. </div>
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I'm living in a world where I realize nothing is permanent. People who I could have sworn on my grandmother's grave that I would be friends with for life, aren't. Boyfriends and fiancés who I thought I'd be with for life, aren't. Knowledge I thought I would always have in my head, I forget. Health I thought I would have, has declined. Maybe this is a realization you have when you get older. Maybe it's just me. The only thing I can think of to do with this - is not take anything for granted. I'm not with W. because I think we're meant to be together. No; I'm consciously choosing to be with him and love him every day. And every day after that. And every day after that. Everything else? I try not to. I really consciously try not to. </div>
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The thing I struggled with most today was finding something to be grateful for. Every day I can tell you something I'm grateful for, but when I'm this upset and this.. desolate.. it's difficult. I don't want to look for anything! I'm angry! The thing is, to find something you're grateful for in a situation that feels shitty and has crumpled around you.. that is the time for the most opportunity for growth. But do you wanna know a secret? I'm tired. I've worked so hard to get where I am and maintain some sort of sanity that.. I'm tired. I'm tired of personal growth. I'm tired of having to adjust to circumstances around me. I said to W. tonight that I wish I was the type that could give up. </div>
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"So where are you?" (in my head) he asks and I said, "I don't know." I'm stewing. I'm fixed in a cycle and the machine needs to be kicked to get back into gear. I'm trying to step back from the situation and look at it from the outside but it's hard. </div>
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That's what's on my mind today. I'm going to head to bed and call it a day. Thanks for listening to my babble, as always :) Happy Monday!</div>
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Perovskiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02288179080765960283noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1261162596630192850.post-17543928104526624752015-01-11T13:37:00.000+01:002015-01-11T13:37:08.368+01:00A (Late) New Years GreetingHello! Are you still standing after the holidays? A couple pounds more, perhaps? Less? Happy to get back to routine, I bet. I know I am. I won't go into my holidays; they were absolutely dreadful (missing friends and my town). I haven't adjusted yet when it comes to the holidays; they just aren't the same here as they leave me feeling a lot is lacking. However you found them, I hope you got to spend it with the people you love doing things you enjoy :) A Happy late New Years to you :)<br />
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The temperatures have been nice lately, between 5-9 C this past week. Windy though, with some rain. I'm contemplating what I should have for lunch today. We went to IKEA last week (oh, the dreaded crowds) and got large jars that will hold some of my flours and I feel much more secure they won't be bothered. I found a mouse had eaten through one of my good flours (I get from a local mill) and I'd had enough. We even went so far this week as to buy a (humane) mouse trap when W. saw it scurrying across the kitchen floor the other day. Speaking of which, I also need to reorganize my pantry. I remember I wanted to do that today also. Re-pot a couple of over-grown plants, read new (borrowed) books, prep dessert for dinner tonight (Dorie Greenspan's Chocolate Mousse!), with whipped cream, naturally ;)<br />
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The past year has been ups and downs; adjusting (still) and trying to gain employment. A possible decisive shift in careers. I call it 'the year without faith' when in essence it was with faith albeit at times broken, deteriorating, challenging thought processes, and little to no church time. While it's easy to see any possible 'negatives' or fears of distance or departure, in reflection I've found church has been a catalyst (not a crutch or filler) for my faith; it helped keep what I've learned active and it relayed the importance and warmth I felt in the sense of community and being surrounded by others of your faith. The reciting of prayers together, the shaking of hands during the sign of peace. Those meant a lot to me in the beginning and I find still mean a lot to me now. The questions and challenges I had about Catholicism in the beginning continue to be questions and challenges now, amplified. So there's a common theme - the things I held dear have now isolated themselves as those things I continue to hold dear, and the things I questioned ever since Day One continue to isolate themselves to be questioned. Does this make sense? Do I believe in God any less? Absolutely not. Trust me, I tried. I felt it would be a disservice to everything I've experienced the last several years and it almost made me feel.. gosh.. I can't even put it in words...sucked in a black hole, empty and (contrary to stereotypical views of Catholicism) - guilt. I do however continue to attempt to challenge His place in my life and how He fits in it. That's sort of an inaccurate statement and sort of not. It's very hard to verbalize what I'm thinking. Does He fit with a Catholicism view of faith, or not? Can He fit without it? Once I've made a few more decisions about how I feel about it, I might take them to my priest and discuss it with him; he's very easy to talk to. Then I'll sit with it some more. I can imagine some of the COOLers are a bit worried and are haste to suggest to me to "be careful" or some other sage advice. Please respect I need to do this. I am not certain anymore anything is constant and permanent, including our views of faith, and I need to always challenge the world around me. The world - and our views - are constantly evolving. It's not a bad thing. <br />
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You're quote for the week : Lean into the discomfort. ~author unknown (or that I forget)<br />
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Hope you're having a good Sunday and it finds you relaxed.. and with a good meal! <br />
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<br />Perovskiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02288179080765960283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1261162596630192850.post-14993978282613044552014-11-30T14:22:00.002+01:002014-11-30T14:22:40.891+01:00Past DemonsSo the other day when I received my new (old) phone from my dad (I got his old iPhone 4S since mine went kaput), there was a thumb drive in the box. I was excited to look at the pictures, not even being able to imagine what they could have been of. <br />
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Ha! They were of when I was a kid. I'd say from around... 3? 4? (Man, I was so adorable.) To about... 13? Maybe 14 is pushing it. (Also, the haircut I had at a certain age.. I think it was around.. 10? Will never. be. published. I think my mother and I need to have a talk.)<br />
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First thing I notice: I'm wearing shorts. I don't mean just shorts, but short-shorts, that were characteristic of the 80's (and the jelly shoes.. omg. Anyways..). Following thought process: People who wear shorts or short-shorts are usually thinner. Wait.. I was wearing short-shorts. WAIT A MINUTE... I WAS......THIN! (Let me preface this by stating I wasn't "thin" like skinny-people/skin-and/bones thin, but was very healthy and "normal" looking and nothing that would tell you I would have a future of being overweight). <br />
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Commence complex.<br />
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*flips through pictures*<br />
Oh.. jelly bracelets. I remember those. Wow, I wore it all, didn't I? The iconic 80's child.<br />
Oh! I *loved* that bathing suit! Haha.. yeah.. we used that slip-n-slide a lot.<br />
Wait. Bathing suit. Did I have a complex about my self-image in that bathing suit? I don't *think* so. But, maybe I did a little and I was too young to care. I don't know.<br />
Oh, there's dad's Labatt 50's on the picnic table. God love him. I remember one day when I was like.. 4? He let me have a sip of that '50. Thus my drinking career started early ;)<br />
Pics of us in Algonquin Park. We really did love that water. I *loved* canoeing.<br />
Wait.. I wore pixie boots? Buahahaha. Oh wow. <br />
Aww.. my grandma and grandpa W. *sniff*<br />
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I knew I was different, but I couldn't place how. I was significantly taller than most kids we hung out with at my dad's, including my (step, both) brother and sister. They were short (I think I still have them beat. My sister, anyways). So I remember always feeling.. out of proportion (read: growing). But *never* unhealthy and never... fat. Fat came later.<br />
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I can't tell you the exact day or time things turned. I can tell you by the pictures I started to put on a couple more pounds at around 13? Definitely 14. But I was still.. fairly 'normal' looking. All I remember is being made to feel by family (more so the house I grew up in, than at my dad's)... not normal and always being "chunky" or having "a few extra pounds" or... /insert criticism here/. I can inflect that it was a certain family member, but I'll stop while I'm ahead.<br />
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Demons. I had voices in my head about not being enough at an age where I should have been told I *was* enough and that I *was* healthy, etc etc. Someone decided to inflect their opinions and their own demons on MY life. And of course, enter highschool where judgement is everywhere and it all went downhill from there. The mental and emotional abuse that occurred in the home goes without saying (towards contributing). Without a frequent enough support system and healthy way of viewing the self, I was pre-destined to fail. <br />
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Remember that complex I started having? Well, I failed. In this category, it has been a constant battle for 25 years.. and I failed. I'm probably at my worse weight to date and have picked up extra health ailments along the way for fun. Don't worry, the self-criticism will stop soon (another bonus from my past). Now I have to re-write those demons. Or really.. tell them to fuck off. Because that's all they are. Demons. They're as big or as little as I want them to be. HOW to tell them to take a hike, I haven't worked that out yet. Is it that simple? Do I just tell them they're not serving me anymore and to leave? I don't know. More of a stark realization, is seeing that they're mostly someone else's demons/voices. Mine just learned to come along for the ride. Oh, and of course pick up the slack when those real voices weren't as strong... cause... apparently I'm a glutton for punishment. Learned behaviour is.. learned. Always have some sort of negative attention.<br />
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Anyhoo... I can step back and realize I'm blessed I've seen the bigger picture. I've seen it wasn't me. I've seen I *was* enough just as I was at (eg) 8 years old. I have a lot of work to sooth and console the inner child. I'll need to give her some extra attention in the immediate future. I'll challenge every self-critical thought I have. <br />
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What is the 'silver lining' that I so often see, here? Hmm. It's obviously made me who I am today, but I am quick to say that "that" part of me I don't love so much (quick with the self-criticism there). But how else has it served me? How else has it shaped who I've become? This answer isn't so quick to the tongue, so I'll have to sit with it a while. <br />
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And by God, I'll do everything in my power to not become the 'parent' to W's 3 boys like how some others were parents to me. I won't continue that pattern of handing-down demons. I'm not perfect, and I might even fail sometimes, but I'll be quick to forgive and repair it when I can. <br />
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Challenge where your inner demons come from. Ask yourself if they're serving you any purpose. If they're not, tell yourself it's okay to let them go. Really. It's okay. <br />
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It's the First Sunday of Advent this weekend. I do love Christmas in the Church; it's so magical. Find your faith, whatever it is, and find those that care about you and surround yourself with them. Life is too short to live by someone else's fears and anger.<br />
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<br />Perovskiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02288179080765960283noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1261162596630192850.post-3658412690554106642014-11-06T18:24:00.000+01:002014-11-06T18:24:09.893+01:00Quotes"In life you don't always get to pick your destination, sometimes you have to explore where the wind takes you."<br />
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"I think we'd like life to be a train, but it turns out to be a sailboat."<br />
~ Barbara Brown Taylor<br />
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This was a lightbulb moment for me today and something I definitely needed to hear. I keep attached to the idea that it is (or should be) a straight Point A to Point B path to reach my 'destination' or desires. What I have in mind for myself what I'd like in this world. When what I really need to do is let go and accept that I will get to my destination, but it might not be how I think it should go (I know, shocker). I don't know why I think it should be a straight line, a clear path, something obvious. But it's not. It's not clear at all. <br />
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Getting attached to certain ideas can get in the way of us attaining what we really want. When we're not remaining open to life unfolding, I almost perceive it like a folding/accordian type door. It bunches up and blocks and gets in the way. My next lesson will be to learn to let go.<br />
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<br />Perovskiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02288179080765960283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1261162596630192850.post-35191399040567063552014-10-04T19:35:00.002+02:002014-10-10T15:39:02.462+02:00Pregnancies (not mine!), Alcohol Checks and Moving ForwardHello all.<br />
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I recently went with a fellow expat friend to a cafe to meet with a group of other expats to practice the language. There's a man that leads it who's been in the country for almost 40 years and likes to help. There were several of us the other night and it went well. I was a bit (read: a lot) overwhelmed, but I trudged through. I even participated a little. I ended the evening both tired and stimulated. I think I'll go back and give it a try for a bit. Even if I didn't understand everything, I think it got the 'ol gear box working, y'know? It already enforced more Dutch thinking through the week and even though it started to taper off the longer the week went, it's still good progress. W. was impressed with my reading/translating tonight.<br />
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It's also been decided that I'm (even more so) joining the magazine editors team. I already contribute recipes, but now I'm going to be helping W. with graphic design. I'm even learning Adobe's InDesign. The guy who was doing it had to leave, so I'm stepping in to help out. Besides, it's something else to add to the resume and it makes my not-working time more constructive. All of this is good progress; I'm not working, yet somehow I'm being kept busy. I'm very grateful for this.<br />
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I don't know if many of you have heard of Ello (<a href="https://ello.co/">https://ello.co/</a>). It's touted as the new anti-Facebook. It's very simple and clean-looking. You can sign up to be on the waiting list, or get an invite from a friend who already made it on (also) through an invite from a friend. It's very quiet now with not a lot of people on it and it's still in beta stage. Anything that gives me a break from Facebook wins, so... yeah. I'll say that after looking at some people's profiles (your profile is public) that it's very much for the art or culturally-minded community. Lots of art. Lots of photography. I'm not sure I fit there. I used to be this person, but it's been a very long time. I really miss Google+, I'm not gonna lie. Not as many people are on it as Facebook (or at least they weren't when I walked away over a year or two ago) and you had more control over who could see or not see your posts, but maybe I'll try again and see who's lurking. Last I checked there were new friends on that hadn't previously joined. Google+ 's network is fantastic. Much more user-friendly, I think.<br />
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There were a couple other things I wanted to talk about, but I'm going to put them on the back-burner and talk about them another time. I wanted to share a couple of cultural differences, 'cause you know those are always fun.<br />
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So the other night on my way to choir, I was on the bus and when we turned one of the street corners, traffic came to a dead stop. You know how it goes, everyone pokes their heads up and around to see if they can tell what's going on. There's talk and guesses what's holding us up. Yeah, they had an alcohol check. So get this.. the set up is pretty much the same; cops in the middle of the road, stopping traffic both ways to check for alcohol consumption (on a busy one-lane street, no less), there's two of them per station. They check you for alcohol alright. They make you blow on the spot! Every. Single. Vehicle. Even our busdriver had to blow! They have their devices with disposable cap thingies to replace with each use. Our police guy's partner was holding two bags of them. On. The. Spot. They're not messing around! I think it's fabulous! MUCH less room for error, much less guessing (for the cop, and for you and your chances. "Oh, I've just had two tonight, it's a weeknight, a RIDE Program won't be out, I'll be fine. BAM! You'll be 'fine' alright because you'll get a <i>fine). </i>How it works after they find alcohol in your system, I don't know how that process works. In this instance they couldn't have exactly made you pull over, cause there was nowhere to pull over *to*. So I shall ask around about that. WHY they're not doing this where I'm from is beyond me. <br />
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Gosh, there was another cultural difference I wanted to write about. Hmm.. this one is kind of a two-parter that I don't have time for, but I will get into it a little bit. So.. the list of my friends becoming pregnant around the globe is growing. Had babies. Having babies. Going to have babies. Your social life quickly diminishes if you are of the non-baby community). Gah. It's an epidemic everywhere :P Anyhoo... did you know that when you have a baby here, there is help that comes to the house to help you clean (and do laundry), make meals, they make tea and cut cake for guests, cut your flowers. Like.. the whole shibang. I couldn't believe it. Again... fantastic idea! You're alloted a certain amount of hours (which is fairly substantial, from what I remember) and I believe everyone has access to this. Maternity leave is much shorter though (compared to Ontario); 16 weeks (combination of time off includes both before and after birth). I do side more with the year off that Ontario has; it benefits everyone. <br />
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I've decided to make (at least) one recipe a week out of my Dorie Greenspan's Around My French Table cookbook. I've made a few already (and will exclude those) and have really enjoyed them. It'll broaden my cooking and baking repertoire and bring new dishes into the house at meal times. Much needed!<br />
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Okay, I'm going to take off. It's Saturday, so it's sit-back-and-binge-watch-Doctor-Who night. I better get the popcorn ready. <br />
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Hope y'all are having a good weekend. If the weather is as beautiful as it is here, be sure to get out. There is much colder weather coming around the corner. <br />
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<br />Perovskiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02288179080765960283noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1261162596630192850.post-35004214452664743692014-09-26T18:19:00.000+02:002014-09-26T18:19:01.304+02:00Cultural DifferencesI've been brewing this one for a while. Since things are a bit stressful here, I thought I would make a fun post. Since I've been talking about doing this post for a while, I thought it was high time.<br />
<br />
Births. I can't comment too much on this because I (obviously) have not had personal experience with this. However, being able to witness these experiences through my friends, I'm getting an idea what giving birth in the Netherlands is like. Most births are at home (you can also go to a birthing centre (that is not a hospital) or a hospital). The Dutch are very relaxed when it comes to birthing and very much believe in listening to the mother's body (not the many machines one would be hooked up to in North America). I don't know if I would ever choose this option, but a lot of them do it without flinching. Also little to no meds. Sometimes they'll even start walking the baby on the birth day. It sounds silly (really; I'd have to witness this to believe it) but they like to test motor skills - and they keep them walking! We also have friends who started feeding whole foods to their baby after a few weeks (i.e very soft, very steamed vegetables). I think this is fabulous. So they're very much progressed in this area. <br />
<br />
Deaths. One of W's uncle's wives passed away recently (cancer) and I was informed the body stayed at home until cremation. I'll tell you flat out I did *not* believe this one at first. What has been considered an old practice in Canada from a hundred years ago, is still done here today. Not always, but I think it depends what the deceased wants, what the living wants, type of death, etc. I believe it's very rare for embalming (not typical Dutch practice) so they'll rent a cooler bed and place it under the body to keep it for a few days until the body will be cremated (I think it was 4 in this case?). I'm not kidding you. The body was at home. They were receiving no visitors at this time (I think this is by choice?). I take things in stride usually and haven't gotten *that* much culture shock here, but this one threw me. We were unable to attend the funeral as it was quite a distance away, but I heard it was nice. In typical Dutch fashion, they view death a little differently than we do, I think. Where you and I might find it obsurd and unfathomable, they find it a personal way to say goodbye instead of in a cold, impersonal funeral home. There's something to be said for that. W. promptly told me (when we were having this discussion) that I was going to the funeral home right away and it's not open to discussion :) I was okay with that. Not that I'd given it much thought. Not in this country, anyways. <br />
<br />
The dentist. When I went for my dental checkup I was surprised how little I was in the chair. Maybe.. 5-10 minutes? They didn't do all the stuff you'd expect from a dentist in Canada. No flouride (I think it's discouraged here, but I'm guessing based on cultural observations), no cleaning. The dentist does most of it himself; he looks you over, flosses, etc etc, but you're not in the chair for half an hour getting things done by a hygenist. While I was very skeptical he was doing a good job, he did notice a couple things upon observation that you wouldn't know to look for unless you were really looking. I've seen him a couple times since and I have faith he's a good dentist. When I become more comfortable, I'll ask why they don't do all that stuff they do in Canada. <br />
<br />
It seems to me there were a couple of smaller things I wanted to discuss, but I don't remember. I think I'll wrap it up for now anyways since it's dinner time (@ 18:30 - late by Dutch standards!) and W. will be home soon. <br />
<br />
Hope y'all have a great weekend. Supposed to be a bit warmer this weekend, if not much sun. Get outside before it gets too cold to!<br />
<br />Perovskiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02288179080765960283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1261162596630192850.post-29854648606160207912014-09-19T15:31:00.000+02:002014-09-19T15:31:09.747+02:00I Continue to Find MyselfA hundred things to do and all I want to do is (feel overwhelmed not being able to pick one and) procrastinate and blog. I'm feeling quite hungry so I've grabbed leftovers of a salad in the fridge until I can decide what to make for a real lunch. I have a craving for mac 'n cheese, but I don't think we have the necessary ingredients for me to make it. <br />
<br />
I've been quiet for the past month because I've been working out a lot in my head. Almost a month back I'd had a bad day. Like, a really bad day. I'd become so homesick, I'd felt this bottomless black pit of a swirling hole inside me that was no longer filled. I wanted nothing but to go back. I felt trapped. I felt alone. I fell into a deep depression (uncrontrollable crying, not eating, oversleeping, no talking, etc) for 24hrs. I'd left my family (read: my friends are my family). How could I leave my family? I felt the pangs of separation like I was that 12-year old girl away at (2 week-long) camp for the first time. The inconsolable pangs of questioning if you did the right thing, how to fix it and how to make the pain go away (read: get home as soon as possible). Even in my darkest hour I know I've done the right thing, that was no question, but I also knew there was no taking the pain away. I'd just have to ride it out. I knew my friends were my family and I knew I relied on them a lot, but it only occurred to me now how much. I'd been grateful enough to receive care packages from a couple friends when closer to when I first arrived and I'd wanted nothing more at this time, yet I had problems asking for it. I'd wanted that tangible...something.. that helped me feel connected to a place I'd left behind. I didn't want to put anyone out and I guess I knew it was a temporary 'feeling' and as soon as it would pass, that 'tangible something' would arrive beyond my difficulties. Funny thinking, that. As if I could appreciate something like that any less.<br />
<br />
I didn't discuss it with any of my Canadian friends, by choice. It was part of letting go and the growth process. I know I could have, and I know I would have been loved and consoled. But this was also an opportunity for my "new" family to prove themselves (for lack of better terms), or to show me what place they will take in my life, just like everyone had a place in my life in Canada. I'm not trying to say this in a haughty way. I'm not trying to replace you at all, but in such circumstances, one needs to find ways on creating a new life in an effort to fill the void. W. talked with me about it a lot. I was able to voice what I'd discovered about myself, my parents (original and newly adopted), my past. I got to see some things in a new light. It was a dark hole, but it was fueled with a higher light and higher purpose. <br />
<br />
"Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it."<br />
~ Terry Pratchett<br />
<br />
As predicted, I've come out of it okay. Even further ahead. Anytime you learn something about yourself it's a bonus, I say. <br />
<br />
This was all happening while I was anxious to make that certain trip I'd talked about in my last post. In fact, I wanted to make the trip even more at this point because of the above. It's no secret anymore because it didn't happen. I was supposed to get my tax money from the CRA, except they didn't finish it in time (and why they hadn't I'll never understand; it's not high tax season, the bastards). With that money, I was going to go to London, UK. One of my friends from Canada was travelling over and I wanted dearly to meet up with her. A real life hug from a Canadian friend.. how joyous that would have been. I also have an internet friend there and would have met up with her as well. It wasn't meant to be, unfortunately, so I was a bit sad over that. (The money still hasn't come through, btw.) :<<br />
<br />
There are other things I've learned about myself, but this post is heavy already so it'll have to wait. On a lighter note, one of our neighbours who just moved in a month or so ago (a younger couple) had the courtesy to stop by and let us know an FYI that they would be having a party Monday night for her birthday and there would be noise, stuff going on outside, etc. She said we were welcomed to stop by... and I think we will :) We're looking forward to it. <br />
<br />
I haven't had a phone for a little while now and ...argh. I mean, I'm living fine without it, but it sure comes in handy when you're out. And for messaging. And instant translating. It's my old (well, 3yr old) Samsung Galaxy SII. Problems with the motherboard we think (after much research and troubleshooting). I took most of the photos off a while ago, thank goodness, but I'm afraid I've lost some contacts now and recent photos. I don't remember what all I put on my card, so it'll be a surprise when I put it in my new phone. My dad's sending me his old 4s when he picks up the 6. It can't come soon enough! :)<br />
<br />
It's the weekend! I have singing tomorrow morning. I forget the occasion, but we're singing the Litany of the Saints (Latin version). We're doing a lot of Latin songs tomorrow. We have a version of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PZY3xWm33Q" target="_blank">O Taste and See</a> (I apologize in advance; turn your sound down, quality isn't great and.. you can turn it off after 20 seonds. Really. It doesn't get much better) that I don't care for as much as the one we did at COOL. We have a Marty Haugen song that it true to Marty Haugen form (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SnWg2Sj-u58" target="_blank">Soli del Gloria</a>) simple but pleasant :) What other Marty Haugen song have we done? Was it this one? We're also doing <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kphky63gK5I" target="_blank">Veni Creator Spiritus</a> and while I <i>love</i> singing Gregorian Chants, this one was new for me and a bit awkward to learn in the appointed time, but I'll be trying my best. You have to get the flow and once I get that, it's just a matter of putting words to chant/music. I can't find the Kyrie Eleison we're doing (Rombach), but it's beautiful and one of my favourite. <br />
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Well, I've been sitting for a while, so I'm going to get up and moving. Gonna head into town to the grocery store for a couple of last-minute things for dinner. Hope you have a wonderful weekend planned and if you're as fortunate as us - enjoy the weather! The cold will be upon us before long. <br />
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Be well :)<br />
<br />Perovskiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02288179080765960283noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1261162596630192850.post-12430924165008961472014-08-04T11:25:00.000+02:002014-08-04T11:25:43.620+02:00Life ContinuesI'm going to discuss various things today. Jumping around health, cultural differences and... who knows what else. Get comfy. It's a long'un. <br />
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Life has been pretty good lately. It's summer, so that means holidays. The north takes their holidays now, and in a week or two, the south take theirs, all for like, 3 weeks or something. I might not be spot-on about that, but it's close. And weird. I explained in Canada while the majority like to take a couple weeks in the summer off, we basically take them when we want. The plus is you know everyone's on holidays and expect that things are a bit slower. The con is... you know everyone's on holidays and expect things to take s-l-o-w-e-r. I digress.<br />
<br />
The weather has been pretty fantastic. It's been hovering anywhere from 23-28. We've had a couple hot weeks in there, but nothing has beat an Ontario summer. Really. When it's hot it's hot, don't get me wrong, but the humidity cannot be matched. Yet. I hope not ever. We had two random downpours in the middle of the night and the last heatwave just broke. Ahhh.<br />
<br />
So remember me telling you about going to my doc, explaining that my monthly issues were rather painful and really getting nothing in response? Well, she had the heart to send me to a gynaecologist. Thank goodness for that. Went to the specialist (if you're on Facebook you saw my pictures of the hospital cafeteria - O.M.G) and I got answers *on the day*. I'm not kidding. I was in shock. Never in Canada would I have gotten results that quick and decisive. I had an exam and she showed me the ultrasound while it happened and explained to me what she saw; what was normal, what wasn't so much. She had an idea what it was when we first started talking, but post-examination she confirmed: PCOS. I had a diagnosis. Cure? There isn't one. Treatment: painkillers. Naturally, the pill and IUD etc were advised, but I dismissed them as treatment options. All I care most is about controlling the pain, not as much regulating my cycle (it would be nice, but it's not a priority). First was shock. Then there was validation; I wasn't crazy, the pain is real and someone actually HEARD what I was telling them. Then anger; my body was fighting against itself. That's not cool and there's not a damn thing I can do to stop it (unbeknownst to me). I think I've finally come around to acceptance. <br />
<br />
I've gone to a couple get-togethers and have met some more people. Expats, mostly. I'm still not social a fraction of what I used to be in Canada, which has been something to get used to, but it is what it is. Oh! I have met one of my neighbours on a walk, though. Very nice man with very good English (and he has a cute dog). I try to be social when I can and I have been trying to come out of my shell more to talk to the locals. I've been enjoying developing my new friendships. In fact, I had a party for my one year here (sorry I didn't post that day to celebrate it, but, life y'know? Also.. it was July 4th) and some of my new closest friends came. Not everyone was able to make it, but we still had a great turnout (for the size of our apartment vs people not being squished) of 10 (and omg presents!). I made the food stuffs, a basic spread on the table (and I made a strawberry-mint water that I couldn't keep full, it was going over so well, very refreshing!!) and we sat around and talked. Everyone got to know someone new and they interacted with each other very easily. I was asked to give a speech and one of the things I said was that meeting such wonderful people helped ease the void of missing my other friends in Canada so much, making it just a *little* bit easier. It's a compliment to the new people and an ode to the old; you guys gave high standards to live up to and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I miss you all dearly and you cannot be replaced. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.<br />
<br />
Did I mention a possible trip in September? Perhaps I did, but I still will not disclose my location until it becomes final. I'm waiting on good 'ol goverment of Canada to finish my taxes and deposit them in time. C'moooooon CRA. <br />
<br />
At the end of my party I noticed someone exchanging business cards. I thought it was wonderful that people were networking. This gave me an idea. As a side tangent, W and I got talking last night about how to be successful in selling your product or service and what some of the keys are of making that a success. Marketing, we decided was one. You can even have, say, an average product, but HOW that product is marketed - clean, polished, professional - can make or break you. You know the others in the list: word of mouth, certain professional habits you can acquire as a person, self-confidence (or even a 'fake it till you make it' mentality) etc etc. But it got me thinking; what if I held a networking party? A couple people I know are out of work (me included) and the others are able or looking for additional work. I'm starting to very much believe in asking for help and support from those around me; without that I don't think success is (as) possible. Who's skills can I enlist in my baking-from-home to help me be successful? But I'm rambling. What do you think? Is this a good idea?<br />
<br />
COOLers, please pray for me. My spiritual life has been dry again and I have not had the dicipline to get my arse to church. *sighs, ashamed* I have said a couple basic prayers, but nothing of substance. It really sucks being so far away from a church. An excuse? Perhaps. Reality? Definitely.<br />
<br />
Well, I think I'm going to list cultural differences in another email. This one is long already! <br />
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Happy Monday!<br />
<br />Perovskiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02288179080765960283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1261162596630192850.post-63953123659287096912014-07-31T18:51:00.002+02:002014-07-31T18:51:41.911+02:00Quotes"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within."<br />
~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross<br />
<br />Perovskiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02288179080765960283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1261162596630192850.post-81270930909913569432014-07-16T09:27:00.000+02:002014-07-16T09:27:22.327+02:00Technologus Interrupt-us (there's a pun in there)So I'm going to share something a little more personal today. Let me bring you inside our home for (what would have been) our normal routine.<br />
<br />
W. gets up for work and has a shower. He asked me last night if I would start his breakfast while he was in the shower, in an effort to save him time. No problem. So we both got up at the same time, basically. He had his shower and I started his oatmeal.<br />
<br />
I sat on the couch with the iPad, checking messages from the last several hours (one thing about living in a country/time zone 6 hrs ahead of everyone else leaves much for one to catch up with in the morning). Checked basics like email and chat messages, then I went on Facebook. He was not yet out of the shower and there was not much to attend to with his breakfast except to let it cook. I spun through the feed of the last several hours, checking the usual updates and 'shares' (Weird Al Yankovic's <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=8Gv0H-vPoDc" target="_blank">Word Crimes</a> exploded overnight, I see. You should watch it if you're a grammar nazi.. it's fantastic).<br />
<br />
He got out of the shower and got his breakfast and sat next to me on the couch. Now, he likes to play a couple of games in the morning before work. I knew this, but I was just trying to finish reading my feed quickly aaand.. admittedly I got a bit caught up in it. "I'm almost there," (to where I last read) I said to myself. Spin. Spin. Meanwhile, he's letting me know gently that he'd like to use it. I keep going. I'm almost there, as you know. He lets me know more. I keep spinning. Now he gets vocal about it and after a few seconds I finally shut it off and hand it to him, but with a look. He takes it, turns on his game and we continue staring at each other. He knows I'm thinking something, but I'm not sure he can quite place what it was.<br />
<br />
Finally he gets pissy and says, "You know what, it's not worth it." We're on the verge of a fight. Shuts off his game, hands it back to me and walks away. I sigh and said (too late), "It's fine! Play your game!" I shut it off, throw it on the couch and go talk to him. He's polite, but curt....<br />
<br />
"...Nope, I can see it's very important to you."<br />
"Can you please talk to me?"<br />
"Nope. It's okay." (read: not at all okay)<br />
I sigh. I stand at the door, he walks past me.<br />
I huff and get his lunch ready for work, frustrated at this point and starting to get upset and maybe slam a couple cupboard doors.<br />
I slightly shout, "I'm trying to talk to you instead of getting angry."<br />
Too late.<br />
Quiet pause.<br />
I slap his sandwhich together, hating that he's leaving the house for work before talking because now I'm starting to get upset. I didn't want to fester with this all day in my head.<br />
<br />
Now before I continue on with the rest of the morning, let me preface with what was in my head. What I wasn't saying -> If I don't get moving first thing in the morning (and I sit around and catch up on Facebook or games or computer, etc), I get nothing done. That lack-luster energy follows me the rest of the day. I hate it. I've already spent the last two days feeling unproductive, I didn't want today to be like that too, so that's why I was getting my Facebook in early. Also, sometimes I feel ignored while he's "in his game" on the iPad and I.. don't exist. So, perhaps I felt a little spiteful and wanted to see how he would feel if I did that. He wasn't seeing my master plan at the time.<br />
<br />
He comes in the kitchen, leans against the counter facing me and says he's ready to talk now.<br />
I breathe a silent sigh of relief.<br />
I can't help it though, and tears well up even more while I'm trying to vocalize my emotions. I explained what was going on in my head (the unconveyed thoughts) and he pulled me in for a hug. "I never meant to make you feel less important than a game," he says. The anger melts away.<br />
<br />
We talk a bit more and all is well before he leaves the house. /end scene<br />
<br />
Near when I was leaving Canada, I had a small get-together at my house. At one point there was just a handful of us (3, 4 maybe) sitting around a table outside. On the topic, I'd mentioned that when I came here, I was going to keep cell phones off the table at dinner time. I'd *literally* heard guffaws, "Ha!"'s and even one very dramatic/slightly comical eyebrow raising. Apparently it was common consensus I lived in my phone. To me, rightly so; I was trying to stay connected to a partner 6000+ miles away which given time differences and work schedules, wasn't easy. Still, I meant it. I would like those friends to know *cough* I have held true to my word. We've even gone as far as making low-tech or tech-free Sundays. No word of a lie. We barely turn on a device on Sundays. Quickly maybe, if I want to check the weather for the day if we're going out, but that's it. Connecting with my partner one-on-one is more important than any technology device.<br />
<br />
So I'm left thinking after this morning; at what point are we allowed to 'shut off' (in whatever manner) and at what point do we engage with our partner? We all need that time to zone out, to get lost in something that is nothing. Unfortunately, I have opportunity to get mine the 10 hours he's gone for the day, and he only has his in the morning or evening. Who am I to interfere?<br />
<br />
Well, that's something we're going to have to discuss further I guess. The convencience of an iPad (or insert small personal tech device of choice here) is super nice, but at a price. We've been hearing the adage for a while now; technology in it's connectedness, contributes to us feeling less connected. How do we find that happy medium? Is it possible to make everyone happy?<br />
<br />
So.. I shall continue with my day and try to be more productive than I have been, sitting with this in the back of my head. I'll bring it up tonight and see if we can't talk it out more.<br />
<br />
How much do you let technology in your house?<br />
Do you know when to shut off and when to engage? Have you talked about it? When is it important for either of you to have your zone-out time? If one zones out with a device for a set time period, what is the other one doing? Is it something productive? Taking care of kids? Their zone-out time/alone time, too? I think a lot of these things are in our head and we make unspoken rules as we go along, but ask yourself when the last time was you talked about it.<br />
<br />
Well, there is ironing to do (who irons anymore? Me doing tablecloths, apparently) and walks to go on and errands to run. The weather is fantastic today; sunny with little or no breeze. The heat and humidity is gone.<br />
<br />
Happy Wednesday!<br />
<br />Perovskiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02288179080765960283noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1261162596630192850.post-5385055380619465902014-06-19T15:19:00.000+02:002014-06-19T15:19:29.183+02:00Medical...Non InterferenceToday's post is coming with a bit of a vent. Warning: there might be language. I'm pissed. Also.. this has to do with female issues, so if you're squeamish (not that there will be much detail), move along.<br />
<br />
I'm calling it a matter that I'm passionate about because... it's about me and my body. Go figure I would have strong opinions about this. How could I, when the western (Western? Does Western have a capitol at this point?) medical profession usually scuttles me through the system (I think I should type it as, The System. It almost has a body of it's own, doesn't it...) as if I have no voice? Maybe I should duct tape an 'x' over my mouth. That's right; I don't have a voice because you're (the doctor) not fucking listening anyways.<br />
<br />
I went to the doc this morning to do a checkup on my Vitamin D levels. Three months ago we found they were exceptionally low and have since been taking supplements (and getting lots of sun, of course). I thought we would do new blood tests to check my current levels, but as soon as I told her I was feeling much better for having done so, it didn't seem to cause her concern. So.. do I keep taking the supplements or don't I? I'm confused about this and received no feedback.<br />
<br />
Next, I'd given her a list of symptoms I've been having the past 5 months about my cycle, that in some ways have been getting increasingly worse (including pain). I was given a (very) brief exam (literally, 2 seconds) and I was told the following....<br />
<br />
1) "Every woman experiences pain during her cycle"<br />
<span style="color: #999999;">a) What I heard -> I'm going to dismiss your pain because it sounds normal, regardless of the fact you told me you're doubled over in pain and it feels like / this... / (description held back from the squeamish)</span><br />
2) Go on the pill. It's the first thing we prescribe.<br />
<span style="color: #999999;">b) What I heard -> We have learned to medicate everything, so I'm going to do that in this case, too, without asking further questions. </span><br />
3) ..silence..<br />
<span style="color: #999999;">c) What I heard -> When you ask me what's causing this pain, I've learned to shake my head and keep in silence because I wouldn't be considered a strong medical professional or person if I told you: I'm sorry, but I really don't know.. because that's our culture and how I've been trained. </span><br />
<br />
Let me be clear; the symtpoms I gave her are *not* normal. I'm getting so sick and tired of how the Western medical system pushes you through not caring about what's causing your <i>dis-ease,</i> and medicating to cover it up so it's not an issue anymore. That cyst or tumor you have? Oh, we'll get around to it. *said issue explodes* I'm sorry, you're dead now because we've become complacent.<br />
<br />
Now medical professionals, don't go hatin'. I've worked in health care long enough to know how the system works and I'm *not* discounting the fact that doctors are very intelligent and that some *do* care. We see them for a reason, right? I'm allowed (right now) to bitch as a patient. This is the only body I have, and I have to honour it by keeping it as healthy as I can. I don't feel like the current health care System is fucking listening to me; the <b>very same System</b> that was built to care for me when I feel frail, weak, sick, ill, unwell in any way, or at worse, terminal. So how is it servicing me right now? This is the one System that many people lean on for support and care. When you get 10 minutes with a doctor, how are you supposed to connect? How are they supposed to understand what's going on?*<br />
<br />
Now, having said all of that, I do see a Japanese acupuncturist. It's the first time ever (I've been seeing him almost a year now) that I've been seeing someone for alternative care (besides chiropractor). I can't say enough about it. TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine - and yes, I'm quoting 2 different Eastern medicines, but they do treat along the same values) treats the whole person, not just the dis-ease or symptoms. My acupuncturist has gotten to know me, my disposition, personality and my habits (eating, etc). He knows when A is off, it's causing a ripple effect for B to be off or out of balance. So you're thinking, why am I bitching about my doctor to begin with when I can just see my acupuncturist? Because (while not necessary) he can treat me better when there's official diagnosis. <br />
<br />
After some pushing with my doctor, she's referring me to a gynaecologist to do an ultrasound. That makes me somewhat happy. I can't say I'll stop pushing for answers after that (if it shows nothing), but it's a start.<br />
<br />
I'm just so fucking tired of not being listened to about my symptoms. Don't dismiss what I'm telling you as normal when you know damn well it's not! I just don't get it.. and it upsets me greatly. It makes me very sad.<br />
<br />
Anyways, that's my rant for today. I'm curious if you've had similar experiences, or if there are medical professionals, what your opinion or take on this is.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">*Disclaimer; I do like my current doctor for the most part and she's nice enough to get to know me a bit and ask questions at the beginning of an app't. I will say that for her. She has also been right about things in the past. Still, her approach to healthcare is representative of the culture they were raised. She's a bit older and I'm not sure if newer younger doctors come with a different approach.</span><br />
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<br />Perovskiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02288179080765960283noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1261162596630192850.post-72392517258585868812014-05-29T18:30:00.000+02:002014-05-29T18:30:04.034+02:00Need Some Positive!Okay guys... I'm usually the one to list the "things I'm grateful for" (I do so mostly out of earshot of the blog), but I haven't done it in a while. As I intend to get back into it, I need some inspiration. I would like you to share with me what *you're* grateful for! I would love to hear them! Let's spread some gratitude, people!<br />
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List (minimum) 3 things :)<br />
<br />Perovskiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02288179080765960283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1261162596630192850.post-38116027065891949002014-05-29T18:17:00.002+02:002014-05-29T18:17:30.084+02:00QuoteI normally don't honour dead people in my posts (dead celebrities, for that fact) but I can't not post this quote. Hearing the passing of Maya Angelou the other day was a sad one; I didn't know she was unwell, and her mental attitude towards life is one to be inspired after. I remembered I had a quote of hers that I've hung onto. I've hesitated posting it all these years because.. because.. I don't really have an answer. It's hit me personally and has been an extremely challenging and every time I go to post it, I can't because I'm just not that strong (as the quote implies).<br />
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"Just because I am in pain, doesn't mean I have to be one."<br />
<i>~ Maya Angelou</i><br />
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I have not become this person. I try, honestly I do, but this is a level of humanity that I have not (and wonder will not) achieve. But like I said, she's inspiring, and I do try.. so maybe someday.<br />
<br />Perovskiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02288179080765960283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1261162596630192850.post-8864423115279855712014-05-28T09:59:00.000+02:002014-05-29T18:30:16.390+02:00Unemployment WoesThere have been a million things going on and a million more on my mind, so I haven't the time to write as much as I'd like to. I'm going to write about more pressing thoughts today, though. I'm waiting for the rain to pass before I go out (though it seems never-ending lately), so it affords me the time.<br />
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I was just looking online for work and I came to a roadblock. Well, what I call a roadblock (so it probably means it's not, really. Read: self-imposed). I was going to forward my resume to this company for a series of jobs they have in hospitality or kitchen help, etc. They asked usual information.. name, address, phone, CV, motivation (what we'd call a cover letter), etc. Then they also want a photo and your date of birth. Right, cause we all remember how well giving my age went last time. And photo? Really? Well, you can see their prorities. Not that I'm saying I feel I necessarily have anything to worry about, but I'm having a rough go as it is, so I don't need reason #563 of why someone won't hire me.<br />
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I've been applying for multiple jobs, anything English that I might be remotely qualified for. So far.. nadda. My dilemma is this: I don't want to apply for jobs that I'm over-qualified for, just in effort to get a job. I don't see why I should have to devalue myself, just to get money. And honestly, I've been doing that the last 20-some years I've been working, so I'm kind of tired of it. But you know the caveat with that... higher standards means less of a chance for a job. Which means we go longer without money. So.. what's a girl to do? Do I give them my photo and chance it? Do I take that cleaning job that I *really* don't want? Do I start at the bottom of an organization again?<br />
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I'm 38. Starting at the bottom, to me, is not an option... but #firstworldproblems (this is a jab at me) .. many immigrants all over the world take jobs they "don't want" and are very "over-qualified for", just to get an income (I once worked with a man in Toronto who was an engineer in India. A bloody brilliant one, too, but because of country-to-country qualifications, he'd have to take certain tests or something in Canada and they costed a LOT of money, so he wasn't able, so retail it was). So what am I whining about? Suck it up, princess.<br />
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Thing is, I'm not ready to yet. I'm not ready to accept less than I think I'm worth. That's quite a perception though, isn't it, and a hella risky one. Yet I continue to have faith something will come up when it's meant to but... how long will that last me? I have and feel an obligation to provide in this household, so when I'm not it feels like stress (almost more than everything I've just written). <br />
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To top it off, there have been external events the past few days that have caused even more stress and things are a little tense around here. Well, they're improving, but slowly and hesitantly. We're both very, very overwhemed, so I apologize if this feels like a 'heavy' or 'down' sort of post. Just trying to burrow through and make sense of anything else in the meantime. I'm making an active effort not to sink into a depression.<br />
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I'd like your feedback; how do you think I should approach jobs? I do not wish for you to comment on my mental state; it is something I won't apologize for and is a by-product of other situations, but any other thoughts are more than welcomed. Do I place value not in myself, but in the job itself.. it is what you make it after all. Or do I uphold my sense of self and sense of value and apply only for these kinds of jobs?<br />
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The stupid thing is, I would have had a job months ago if I had computer or engineering qualifications. They need those people like crazy. Quick.. engineering through osmosis. Aaaaand... go!<br />
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Be well. We're half way through the week!<br />
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<br />Perovskiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02288179080765960283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1261162596630192850.post-7478927140881464472014-05-17T18:10:00.004+02:002014-05-17T18:10:44.502+02:00QuoteIt's been forever since I've written any quotes. This one spoke to me this week. I hope it does for you, too.<br />
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"It's impossible," said pride.<br />
"It's risky," said experience.<br />
"It's pointless," said reason.<br />
"Give it a try," whispered the heart.<br />
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<i>~ author unknown</i><br />
<br />Perovskiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02288179080765960283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1261162596630192850.post-12638039589548024502014-05-08T13:37:00.000+02:002014-05-08T13:37:37.524+02:00Change of CourseI originally started writing this post yesterday or the day before and my emotions were at a bit of a low. They've improved slightly so I am better to write today than before.<br />
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The past couple days has seen me change my priorities and course in life. I was testing a recipe late last week and it didn't turn out (end product appearance wise, not taste-wise) and I kind of lost it. The only thing I could worry about was how much money I was 'wasting' every time something didn't turn out. Long story short... we don't have the funds right now for me to start a business and all it involves, so I will be actively looking for a job. Speaking of which, I applied for a super one over the weekend that would be a perfect fit, so I'll ask for your prayers and positive thoughts, please!! :) The job closed yesterday, so we'll see after that.<br />
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I'm sad with this change, though. I feel as if I'm leaving yet another dream behind. It scares me. I don't want to get lost in another dead-end job, just trying to get by, trying to figure myself and life out, hoping to make enough money to make ends meet (well really, anything would be more than I'm making now) and just clocking enough time until retirement. I'm scared I'll never come back to it again. Perhaps if that's what's meant to be, I should accept it. Will I ever stop baking? No. I love it too much. Will I still test recipes to use for sale? Definitely... but when I'm ready and don't feel the stress of "if it doesn't work out, there's another x-€ down the drain". Yes, I know every time I bake it's a learning experience.. blah blah blah.. but it doesn't take away what was bothering me at the core. Since I've changed my thinking I feel a lot lighter and I have more headspace now for other things that have been also a priority (language, finding a job, etc), so it was the right decision. We're making other cost-cutting ideas and putting them into place, one of which is me holding my membership at the gym. That also made me sad because I am afraid I might not see my friend as often (we meet twice a week), but we share the same concern so I think we'll schedule time together outside of that. It will also force me to channel my efforts elsewhere to fill the need to be social. There is an organization I've been meaning to get in contact with for volunteering, so hopefully that will turn out.<br />
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W. has a birthday coming up on the 20th. I believe he shares a birthday with our friend W.W ;) I have an idea what I might get him, but I'm not sure what to bake for him. Wait.. I think I have an idea. *drums fingers together evily* <br />
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Everything else is fine. The weather today is dreary, raining off and on. Spring and summer - a state of perpetual hair frizziness. #welcometotheNetherlands<br />
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The 4th saw Dodenherdenking (or Remembrance Day) and the 5th saw us with Bevrijdingsdag (or Liberation Day). We went to a big party in a biiiiiiig park (think the entire square footage of Guelph University campus) where there were multiple music acts and stuff going on. I took a couple pics and can try to post sometime. The crowds were so much we had to leave, I just coudn't do it anymore. <span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22.399999618530273px;"> </span><br />
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Mother's Day on Sunday and we're heading with W's parents to <a href="http://www.dekruidhof.nl/" target="_blank">Kruidhof</a>. It's a botanical garden place (all outdoors, I believe) one town over. I've never been but it seems pretty. If you click the link and scroll down there's a video (you won't understand it but it's nice to watch) and there's a tab at the top to select English, though you don't get the whole site, just a condensed synopsis. I believe if you run a foreign language page through Chrome it'll interpret it for you.<br />
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I'm already planning my one-year party - July 4th, except we're going to hold it on Sunday the 6th in the afternoon. I will be sending out an email soon asking people to reserve the date.<br />
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Well, I have a lot of language I want to practice today before choir, so I better get moving. Almost the end of the week. Hope it's been good to you!<br />
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<br />Perovskiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02288179080765960283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1261162596630192850.post-73061199770376712342014-04-18T09:42:00.000+02:002014-04-18T09:42:06.236+02:00Goede vrijdagToday is Good Friday (or in Dutch, <i>Goede vrijdag</i>). We're starting out with sunny weather, but it's supposed to turn to rain. How fitting. Today is also my birthday. I'm forgoing any celebrations to honour our Lord's death instead, and I'm okay with that. I'm listening to Taize songs, what they would be singing back in Canada. I always loved Easter weekend at church, it's such beautiful music. I don't care so much for the songs we're singing now. Besides not understanding them too much yet, they just don't have the solemn 'feel' to them like Taize has. We have no soloists. <br />
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I was a bit sad the other day about missing normal Easter routine at church, but while I was sitting in church Thrusday night, I got to witness new routines. Our church is the diocesan church and we had like, 12 priests there AND the bishop, several altar servers, even a female deacon (I think? I'm presuming her position) and incense up the wazoo (it was fantastic). It's always such a sight to witness such a gathering. <br />
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So I'm very curious about tonight's service. I liked Good Friday service the best at COOL; I think they conducted and arranged it very well. (A small note to anyone reading from COOL.. I can only imagine how stressed out J. is right now, thus stressing everyone else out. Try not to kill anyone, eh. Hold fast, it's almost over) ;)<br />
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In other news... I have my first client! A friend of mine has asked me to make brownies for her son's birthday on Monday. Woot! I just might throw in something a little extra for the "thanks for having faith in me". :)<br />
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Remember how I said the recipes I'm doing are read by like.. 3000 or so people? Yeah.. no. Turns out the magazine doesn't have circulation in the whole town (short of volunteers to deliver). So it's only read by 1800 people. Wanna hear something, though? One of the members of the editors team went to interview the other lady who also submits recipes (has been doing it for years, writes cookbooks and stuff) had my breadpudding recipe page open and the recipe made on the counter! I couldn't believe it! And then I worry, right. Inner diaglogue: "Omg, I hope I gave correct measurements." "What if it turns out differently for her? (and not in a good way)" "What if.. " "What if... " Bah. I finally let it go and hoped for the best. <br />
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Taxes. Oh, hateful taxes. Do not move to another country and do your previous country's taxes. It's hell. Hell I tell you! I can't file electronically, I have to do it by mail. Which I haven't done yet. Cause I'm still researching..stuff (best way to go about it, etc). That will be my focus over the next couple days.<br />
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Stuff to do, so I best get to it. I'm attending my first Stations of the Cross this afternoon (better late than never?). Won't understand it much, but it'll be nice to see. Then a choir member invited me over for dinner before we have to go back to sing tonight. That was sweet :)<br />
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Oh.. remind me to tell you about how they celebrate birthdays in the Netherlands, later. :)<br />
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May you find time to reflect today and remain in prayer. Peace be with you.<br />
<br />Perovskiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02288179080765960283noreply@blogger.com1