Friday, September 19, 2014

I Continue to Find Myself

A hundred things to do and all I want to do is (feel overwhelmed not being able to pick one and) procrastinate and blog.  I'm feeling quite hungry so I've grabbed leftovers of a salad in the fridge until I can decide what to make for a real lunch.  I have a craving for mac 'n cheese, but I don't think we have the necessary ingredients for me to make it.

I've been quiet for the past month because I've been working out a lot in my head.  Almost a month back I'd had a bad day.  Like, a really bad day.  I'd become so homesick, I'd felt this bottomless black pit of a swirling hole inside me that was no longer filled.  I wanted nothing but to go back.  I felt trapped.  I felt alone.  I fell into a deep depression (uncrontrollable crying, not eating, oversleeping, no talking, etc) for 24hrs.  I'd left my family (read: my friends are my family).  How could I leave my family?  I felt the pangs of separation like I was that 12-year old girl away at (2 week-long) camp for the first time.  The inconsolable pangs of questioning if you did the right thing, how to fix it and how to make the pain go away (read: get home as soon as possible).  Even in my darkest hour I know I've done the right thing, that was no question, but I also knew there was no taking the pain away.  I'd just have to ride it out.  I knew my friends were my family and I knew I relied on them a lot, but it only occurred to me now how much.  I'd been grateful enough to receive care packages from a couple friends when closer to when I first arrived and I'd wanted nothing more at this time, yet I had problems asking for it.  I'd wanted that tangible...something.. that helped me feel connected to a place I'd left behind.  I didn't want to put anyone out and I guess I knew it was a temporary 'feeling' and as soon as it would pass, that 'tangible something' would arrive beyond my difficulties.  Funny thinking, that. As if I could appreciate something like that any less.

I didn't discuss it with any of my Canadian friends, by choice.  It was part of letting go and the growth process.  I know I could have, and I know I would have been loved and consoled.  But this was also an opportunity for my "new" family to prove themselves (for lack of better terms), or to show me what place they will take in my life, just like everyone had a place in my life in Canada.  I'm not trying to say this in a haughty way.  I'm not trying to replace you at all, but in such circumstances, one needs to find ways on creating a new life in an effort to fill the void.  W. talked with me about it a lot.  I was able to voice what I'd discovered about myself, my parents (original and newly adopted), my past.  I got to see some things in a new light.  It was a dark hole, but it was fueled with a higher light and higher purpose.

"Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it."
~ Terry Pratchett

As predicted, I've come out of it okay.  Even further ahead.  Anytime you learn something about yourself it's a bonus, I say.

This was all happening while I was anxious to make that certain trip I'd talked about in my last post.  In fact, I wanted to make the trip even more at this point because of the above.  It's no secret anymore because it didn't happen.  I was supposed to get my tax money from the CRA, except they didn't finish it in time (and why they hadn't I'll never understand; it's not high tax season, the bastards).  With that money, I was going to go to London, UK.  One of my friends from Canada was travelling over and I wanted dearly to meet up with her.  A real life hug from a Canadian friend.. how joyous that would have been.  I also have an internet friend there and would have met up with her as well.  It wasn't meant to be, unfortunately, so I was a bit sad over that.  (The money still hasn't come through, btw.) :<

There are other things I've learned about myself, but this post is heavy already so it'll have to wait.  On a lighter note, one of our neighbours who just moved in a month or so ago (a younger couple) had the courtesy to stop by and let us know an FYI that they would be having a party Monday night for her birthday and there would be noise, stuff going on outside, etc. She said we were welcomed to stop by... and I think we will :)  We're looking forward to it.

I haven't had a phone for a little while now and ...argh.  I mean, I'm living fine without it, but it sure comes in handy when you're out.  And for messaging.  And instant translating.  It's my old (well, 3yr old) Samsung Galaxy SII.  Problems with the motherboard we think (after much research and troubleshooting).  I took most of the photos off a while ago, thank goodness, but I'm afraid I've lost some contacts now and recent photos.  I don't remember what all I put on my card, so it'll be a surprise when I put it in my new phone.  My dad's sending me his old 4s when he picks up the 6.  It can't come soon enough! :)

It's the weekend!  I have singing tomorrow morning.  I forget the occasion, but we're singing the Litany of the Saints (Latin version).  We're doing a lot of Latin songs tomorrow.  We have a version of O Taste and See (I apologize in advance; turn your sound down, quality isn't great and.. you can turn it off after 20 seonds. Really.  It doesn't get much better) that I don't care for as much as the one we did at COOL.  We have a Marty Haugen song that it true to Marty Haugen form (Soli del Gloria) simple but pleasant :) What other Marty Haugen song have we done?  Was it this one?  We're also doing Veni Creator Spiritus and while I love singing Gregorian Chants, this one was new for me and a bit awkward to learn in the appointed time, but I'll be trying my best.  You have to get the flow and once I get that, it's just a matter of putting words to chant/music.  I can't find the Kyrie Eleison we're doing (Rombach), but it's beautiful and one of my favourite.

Well, I've been sitting for a while, so I'm going to get up and moving.  Gonna head into town to the grocery store for a couple of last-minute things for dinner.  Hope you have a wonderful weekend planned and if you're as fortunate as us - enjoy the weather!  The cold will be upon us before long.

Be well :)


hydra said...

You have done a very brave thing in moving right across the world, and it's no wonder you're having the occasional wobble. I'm so glad you've come out the other side and I'm also glad you've found things to do over there. It's a shame we couldn't meet up in London, but we will meet, even if I have to come over there! In the meantime, here's a big hug from your internet friend. (((()))))

Perovskia said...

Thanks Hydra :)
It is a shame! But I am hopeful it will happen one day. *hugs*

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