Today's Random Post Is Brought To You By The Letter 'C'

This is my brain on drugs Carbohydrates.

Brain fog.  Lagging (body 'tired', not wanting to keep up to head).  Extreme fatigue.  Easily affected by events and easily get sad, overwhelmed or needing comfort.  Want to sleep f-o-r-e-v-e-r.  Spacey.  Not in tune to present events, despite attempts.  Hard to track time.

Sugar is evil.

Evil.  Evil.  Evil.

I Hate Decisions*

I've been putting off writing my next post.  I have a process: I get a mental list of things I want to talk about/rant/vent/divulge over time, thus a blog post is born.  Except the things I've been keeping in the back of my head as a running list... is still a running list.  Usually I've dealt with things to some degree before I write about them, in most cases, but these are constant things.

I'm anxious about seeing everyone before I go.  Not just seeing them.. but seeing them enough.  Which really won't be enough because people are busy and everyone has a life.  What hasn't sunk in for some people, I think, is that they don't get that I'm going away for a very long time (rather by cognizant choice or not).  This isn't a, "I'll see you next week, or next month or next year."  I don't know when I'll be back to visit, so it could be 2 years or 5.  Who knows.  And if you distance yourself from me as a 'coping mechanism', then.. I can't fight that.  But I hope that you don't.  / random anxious rant

I'm anxious about how to decide what to bring.  There's no clear-cut black & white line; it's grey.  Completely grey.  How do I determine something's value to me?  How do I decide what to bring, what to store (only in a Rubbermaid or two at my parents) and what to - again - discard?  I was having a conversation with someone this morning about it and the scenario about a fire was brought up.  She knew someone's house that had burned.  Completely everything in that house was burned to a crisp - except for a typical poly-plastic/fiberglass tub which should have been in cinders - remained.  It had all their pictures in it (yeah.. just sit with that for a minute).  When people have a fire, they often feel violated.  That choice to 'keep or throw away' has been taken from them.  Then there's the other spectrum where some people can't even fathom parting with all their earthly desires.  Purge?  Have to depart with items?  No way!  I'm too comfortable in my marble-encased bathroom.  Me?  I'm in the middle.  I cannot take everything with me, yet I don't have to let everything go.  And I hate it.

Another thing that causes me anxiety? (Wow, are you sure you want to keep reading?)  Between giving up my key at this place and before I get to our home there, I will have no keys on my keychain.  Key-less.  For like.. a day (or maybe two).  That sends me right into panic attack mode.  Right, so, we're going to skip over this topic.

Okay, okay.. I owe you some good stuff.  I get to start a life in an absolutely beautiful country.  The people I've met so far from there have been very kind and sweet.. and if they're any representation of the rest of the population, I have no doubts I'll befriend half of the country in no time ;)

I get to have a new adventure.  I've been *dying* for a new adventure for years.  I really need to see this for what it is.  I mean.. I'm going to be living a fairy-tale romance in Europe.  EUROPE.  I'm pretty damned lucky.  I just wish my body wasn't feeling so laggy so it could catch up with my mind.  Bleh.

I still have alcohol in a cabinet (okay really, it's in a wicker basket still from the move) that needs to be consumed before I leave.  Yo.  Who's up?

Okay.. I should stop procrastinating and do stuff.  W.'s not online for another couple hours, so I have to bide my time 'till then.  Hope y'all are having a good Tuesday!

*While this statement at this time is very true, I'm blessed and I see I'm fortunate that I have the ability to make decisions (so I don't mean to complain).  

For the Rest of You...

I forgot a couple of you don't have Facebook and haven't seen the date I announced for my departure.  Sorry 'bout that.  After the wrath that was Facebook happened, I just sort of had to take some time for myself for it to sink it and receive everyone's comments.

Leaving: July 3rd.

Yeah, it's soon.  About a month and a half.  I'd been keeping an eye on ticket prices and they were starting to rise $200+, so I had to jump at it.  And really, I just want to be there.  We're excited to start our life together.

I've received all sorts of comments; most great, a couple not so.  I get that it's difficult to process.  It is for me too, sometimes.  People are processing, "Oh, she's actually doing what she said she was going to do.  Wow."  Shock is the common response.  Given.  Still, I persevere and am trying to get things done on a daily basis that need to be taken care of; cancellations, closure of accounts, discarding items, organizing, etc.  I don't do well when there's a hundred things that need to be done.  I procrastinate.  A lot.

I shouldn't sit here too long.  There are things I need to get up and do (or not do and keep procrastinating) before sitting to talk to W. again before he goes to work.

Hope everyone's having a good week :)

Date Set

I have a date.  A date with a plane and a date with a very wonderful Dutch man.

The ticket has been bought.  But.. I'm not announcing that date yet.  Give me a day for it to sink in and then I will do a mass announcement.

Holy shit.  I just bought a plane ticket to Europe.  To move.  To live, to work in another country.  Wow.

W. and I had a very serious talk at zero-hour before I confirmed my purchase; what it would mean for us, how we'll continue to proceed in our relationship, acknowledging there will be good days and bad, but every day I will make a very conscious decision and choose to love him and choose to make an effort in our relationship and our lives - and that effort will be happily be met and returned.

For now.. I am very tired and very overwhelmed.  Not only have I dealt with the good today, but the past 24hrs I have also dealt with the not-so-good (Babu and finding him a home).  To say it's heartbreaking is saying it lightly.  And it's still not finished.

So I'm going to have a quiet evening, let everything sink in... and just chill.  I think I'm even too mentally tired for a movie.

Goedenacht.

Moving On, Moving Forward

W.'s gone only 3 days and it feels like an eternity.  So.. I keep myself busy by continuously putting things away.  The monotonous task of going through your things and finding a new home for them.. ugh.  While slightly enjoyable being in a new dwelling, it's daunting to realize you have so much (and I don't even have a lot!).  It's the smaller things that are most annoying; where do I want to put those...post-it notes?  #firstworldproblems

We're still discussing months/dates for me to move.  He's ultimately leaving the decision up to me.  We talked about it again last night and I have a month/date in mind, but still kicking it around.  Also looking at flight costs.

I'm overwhelmed; how am I supposed to get rid of everything - everything - in a span of (a potential) 3 months?  I had a hard enough time doing it when I was moving from Apt A to House B.  I have to let go of my entire life - a life I've become attached to in a city I love.  How do I decide what to ship?  If I ship /this/, should I also ship /that/?  What's the line?

It's funny; when we were sitting at Union Station on the last leg of his journey, we were waiting for the GO train (to meet my friend to go to the airport).  I contemplated going with him (not even lying, even if it was just for a brief second).  I had my Dutch passport on me, 2 days worth of clothes, my purse and ID.  I was good to go.  He put it a bit in perspective, said that I'd just 'left' everything behind (books, clothes, stereo, whatever) and everything that I can't currently decide about.  Aside from pictures maybe, there was nothing I felt I needed to rush back for (to be honest, he was the one who brought that up).  All I could think of was, "Well, I feel bad for having to leave my stuff for someone else to get rid of. That's not right."

Perspective.  Attachment.  When is something important to you, and why?

Something came up and I have to jet.  Ending this blog post. Gotta run!

Down Time

Well, I'm taking advantage of some down time; W. is having a nap and I'm just catching up on emails (I don't think I've turned my computer on at all in the better part of the two weeks) and sitting with a tea.  It's a beautiful day out and I think we'll go for a walk later on.

I'm settled in the new place.  Hrm.. settled is a loose term.  I'm.. inhabiting.  There are still boxes and random objects strewn all over.  The kitchen is the closest to being complete (of course; I mean, let's discuss priorities) ;)  I still really need to downsize and get rid of more, though.  There isn't enough room for everything.  Not just the kitchen, but the bedroom (I need to fit a dresser, a tall boy, PLUS a closet full.. all  into one dresser).  There are a few items I still need to sell off (anyone local want an air conditioner, a bread maker, a dresser and/or a kitchen table/chairs?).

When we had moving day, I kept thinking about the transition; things disappearing from the old place, looking bare, then getting used to new surroundings with the new place.  Babu is still at the old place (can't bring him to the new) and still no owner.  Really having a hard time and I'm not sure why it hasn't worked itself out.

I think we're going to work outside this afternoon.  There is some lawn furniture that needs cleaning and it's a good excuse to enjoy the weather.  The property backs onto the river and there's a table out there just asking to be sat at.  Morning cup of coffee, anyone?  Or perhaps a nice sunset...

It's nice to have W. here for the house transition.  Not just for the physical help of moving and unpacking/sorting, but for the support, for the company within new walls, for someone to talk to or make meals for when I'm not in the mood to do other house stuff.  The last week and a half have been fabulous.  Our union at the airport was a joyous one and not at all awkward or 'weird' (for never having met in person).  The coming-together was just confirmation of what we already knew; we belong together and everything that we do is natural and feels right.  We're both very happy.

Well, W. is up, so I best get up too.

We spend Thursday night in Toronto and he's back on the plane Friday.  Then.... we wait until I move there. No, I don't know when I'm moving yet (it's the million-dollar question everyone's asking).  It hasn't been discussed yet, though sometime before winter.

Hope y'all are having a good week!

Counting Down..

11 hours!

Eeee!

Man, I don't even know if I can eat right now, but I'm gonna try.  He didn't sleep much at all last night.  Miraculously, I did (but then, I had the pinnacle of my stress a couple days ago, whereas he was calm until last night).

I've checked and so far his flights are on time.  His plane gets into Newark at 11am.  Then he has a miserable 4-hr layover until Toronto.

Here we go.......!

Last Sleep!

Een nachtjes slapen! (One more sleep!)

Wow.  Tomorrow. Can you believe it?  TO-MOR-ROW.

Finally.

And then he'll be home.

Prayers and positive thoughts for a safe and on-time flight please!

Counting Down

TWEE nachtjes slapen! (TWO more sleeps!)

Eek!

..On an unrelated note, when the universe sees that you need to slow down, it will indeed force you to slow down.  I burned myself at work today.  Hot/boiling water down the front of my chest (don't ask).  I'm fine.  We acted soon enough to prevent second degree burns (though that will be verified tomorrow).  Geez.  You can't take me anywhere.  Pros about working in a hospital.  So, I will be taking it easy the next 24 hrs.  When I need to be most busiest.  *sigh*  Such is life. 

Counting Down..

Four more sleeps :) :)