39. One year from f.. f.... fffffffffforty. Gosh that was hard to say. Am I there already? When did that happen?
I'm one of the self-reflective types when it comes to birthdays. Or at least milestone birthdays, or in this case - close - to milestone birthdays. I damn near had a nervous breakdown when I turned 30. When you're young you set the ideals I want this, this and that by the time I'm 30. I didn't have this, this and that and when I didn't, I felt as if I failed. In reflection, how could I feel as if I failed myself? Life was going as it was meant to. It was society that failed me. Society that builds up the "must-have's" for milestone birthdays. I was given wise words by a then co-worker; the 30's is about relaxing. It's about being comfortable in who you are. It's about speaking up for yourself and not minding doing so. You know what? He was right. My 30's were (for the most part) fantastic. I felt more comfortable in myself than I had - ever. I did things for me, not because of how others felt I should do things.
As I approach f.. ff... fffffff.... well, that'age, I continue to take stock of what *I* want in my life, not what someone else dictates for me. My generation is all about shedding society ideals and letting go and having fun (at least, some of the people I'm surrounded by) and that indeed, brace yourself, 40 is NOT old. Perhaps it's European culture. The Dutch (for the majority) are very easy going and not about being held-down by emotions, the past, etc. Don't think they don't have ordeals, crisis or difficulties. They do! But they try not to let it hold them back or ever miss out on opportunities. They don't have the heavy weight on their shoulders that I impose upon myself (sometimes). If they do I don't see it.
Anyways, when I reflect for next year, I want to try to let go of a lot of self-imposed barriers. I don't want to stipulate, "I want to have this, this and live here and.. " because that's unrealistic and we all know as soon as you set a plan for life, it changes. I have less desire for materials things and more for connections of those around me. I have less desire for self-punishment and more for accepting and forgiving the self (a continual work in progress). I've been asking myself why we think it's okay and conducive to beat ourselves up all the time when the opposite is true, but that's another blog post for another time.
I have to end this now. I'm having a few ladies over for what was going to be a high-tea (W is working today) which has turned into sort of a potluck, mesh of.. stuff. Long story. I need to do some last-minute cleaning before guests arrive.
Have a wonderful day! It's sunny here and it looks like it's going to be lovely. Happy weekend!
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Saturday, April 18, 2015
Monday, February 2, 2015
The Social Media Devil - A Vent
Preface: It's 'wordy' and long, I apologize in advance. Had a hard time articulating myself.
Still, I took it upon myself to comment on a thread the other day in one of my groups. Someone asked me to expand on why I thought what I did (it was about food and nutritional content of said food, what's best to consume, etc) and when I gave it today I was accused by a supposed friend for 'telling people what to do' and 'turning my nose down in judgement about their choices'. I was flabergasted. And upset. It was the straw that broke the camels back.
One thing about me that not many people know is that I don't like it when people assume anything of me. It's a trigger. This was a classic example and it felt like an attack for no reason. It was assumed the way I came across that I was telling someone how they should eat, when if they a) knew me and b) were the friend they were supposed to be and have my back, understood that I was suggesting eating based on a nutritional point of view. What anyone does with that info is up to them. After that I excused myself from the conversation as I was not being understood (and instead was being accused). I shut off notifications for the post. I went back to check the thread anyways (because I'm a glutton for punishment) and they commented that it was "no big deal".. but no... because you called me out on shit in front of 50 people.. apparently it was. Thing is, I went to the original poster/question and I didn't offend her at all, so it was just that one person's opinion.
I got upset. A lot. Yesterday I came to the realization that I have nothing in common with any friend I have here because they're rather too busy to get together (due to work or families) or have babies (this accounts for most), or age differences, so when I take a hit from a friend and it feels like they're dropping like flies (because believe me, if they're going to act like this, I don't want to have anything to do with them), I feel it. I find myself thinking about Canada a lot. Today.. just made it all come together. I thought who I thought would have my back doesn't and.. my whole world came crashing down. I miss my friends. I miss the balance I had. Now? No balance. My one reason for being here has been validated a long time ago and I'm left with teetering scales; I have W. on one side and it's empty on the other. I don't know how to handle the imbalance anymore, or how to differently look at the situation.
It's not without trying. I've tried approaching a couple of businesses in town about volunteer positions and they won't take me (I need to try to stay in town to keep travel expenses to a minimum). Short of waiting for a job, I don't know what else to do... but something has to change.
I'm living in a world where I realize nothing is permanent. People who I could have sworn on my grandmother's grave that I would be friends with for life, aren't. Boyfriends and fiancés who I thought I'd be with for life, aren't. Knowledge I thought I would always have in my head, I forget. Health I thought I would have, has declined. Maybe this is a realization you have when you get older. Maybe it's just me. The only thing I can think of to do with this - is not take anything for granted. I'm not with W. because I think we're meant to be together. No; I'm consciously choosing to be with him and love him every day. And every day after that. And every day after that. Everything else? I try not to. I really consciously try not to.
The thing I struggled with most today was finding something to be grateful for. Every day I can tell you something I'm grateful for, but when I'm this upset and this.. desolate.. it's difficult. I don't want to look for anything! I'm angry! The thing is, to find something you're grateful for in a situation that feels shitty and has crumpled around you.. that is the time for the most opportunity for growth. But do you wanna know a secret? I'm tired. I've worked so hard to get where I am and maintain some sort of sanity that.. I'm tired. I'm tired of personal growth. I'm tired of having to adjust to circumstances around me. I said to W. tonight that I wish I was the type that could give up.
"So where are you?" (in my head) he asks and I said, "I don't know." I'm stewing. I'm fixed in a cycle and the machine needs to be kicked to get back into gear. I'm trying to step back from the situation and look at it from the outside but it's hard.
That's what's on my mind today. I'm going to head to bed and call it a day. Thanks for listening to my babble, as always :) Happy Monday!
Saturday, October 4, 2014
Pregnancies (not mine!), Alcohol Checks and Moving Forward
Hello all.
I recently went with a fellow expat friend to a cafe to meet with a group of other expats to practice the language. There's a man that leads it who's been in the country for almost 40 years and likes to help. There were several of us the other night and it went well. I was a bit (read: a lot) overwhelmed, but I trudged through. I even participated a little. I ended the evening both tired and stimulated. I think I'll go back and give it a try for a bit. Even if I didn't understand everything, I think it got the 'ol gear box working, y'know? It already enforced more Dutch thinking through the week and even though it started to taper off the longer the week went, it's still good progress. W. was impressed with my reading/translating tonight.
It's also been decided that I'm (even more so) joining the magazine editors team. I already contribute recipes, but now I'm going to be helping W. with graphic design. I'm even learning Adobe's InDesign. The guy who was doing it had to leave, so I'm stepping in to help out. Besides, it's something else to add to the resume and it makes my not-working time more constructive. All of this is good progress; I'm not working, yet somehow I'm being kept busy. I'm very grateful for this.
I don't know if many of you have heard of Ello (https://ello.co/). It's touted as the new anti-Facebook. It's very simple and clean-looking. You can sign up to be on the waiting list, or get an invite from a friend who already made it on (also) through an invite from a friend. It's very quiet now with not a lot of people on it and it's still in beta stage. Anything that gives me a break from Facebook wins, so... yeah. I'll say that after looking at some people's profiles (your profile is public) that it's very much for the art or culturally-minded community. Lots of art. Lots of photography. I'm not sure I fit there. I used to be this person, but it's been a very long time. I really miss Google+, I'm not gonna lie. Not as many people are on it as Facebook (or at least they weren't when I walked away over a year or two ago) and you had more control over who could see or not see your posts, but maybe I'll try again and see who's lurking. Last I checked there were new friends on that hadn't previously joined. Google+ 's network is fantastic. Much more user-friendly, I think.
There were a couple other things I wanted to talk about, but I'm going to put them on the back-burner and talk about them another time. I wanted to share a couple of cultural differences, 'cause you know those are always fun.
So the other night on my way to choir, I was on the bus and when we turned one of the street corners, traffic came to a dead stop. You know how it goes, everyone pokes their heads up and around to see if they can tell what's going on. There's talk and guesses what's holding us up. Yeah, they had an alcohol check. So get this.. the set up is pretty much the same; cops in the middle of the road, stopping traffic both ways to check for alcohol consumption (on a busy one-lane street, no less), there's two of them per station. They check you for alcohol alright. They make you blow on the spot! Every. Single. Vehicle. Even our busdriver had to blow! They have their devices with disposable cap thingies to replace with each use. Our police guy's partner was holding two bags of them. On. The. Spot. They're not messing around! I think it's fabulous! MUCH less room for error, much less guessing (for the cop, and for you and your chances. "Oh, I've just had two tonight, it's a weeknight, a RIDE Program won't be out, I'll be fine. BAM! You'll be 'fine' alright because you'll get a fine). How it works after they find alcohol in your system, I don't know how that process works. In this instance they couldn't have exactly made you pull over, cause there was nowhere to pull over *to*. So I shall ask around about that. WHY they're not doing this where I'm from is beyond me.
Gosh, there was another cultural difference I wanted to write about. Hmm.. this one is kind of a two-parter that I don't have time for, but I will get into it a little bit. So.. the list of my friends becoming pregnant around the globe is growing. Had babies. Having babies. Going to have babies. Your social life quickly diminishes if you are of the non-baby community). Gah. It's an epidemic everywhere :P Anyhoo... did you know that when you have a baby here, there is help that comes to the house to help you clean (and do laundry), make meals, they make tea and cut cake for guests, cut your flowers. Like.. the whole shibang. I couldn't believe it. Again... fantastic idea! You're alloted a certain amount of hours (which is fairly substantial, from what I remember) and I believe everyone has access to this. Maternity leave is much shorter though (compared to Ontario); 16 weeks (combination of time off includes both before and after birth). I do side more with the year off that Ontario has; it benefits everyone.
I've decided to make (at least) one recipe a week out of my Dorie Greenspan's Around My French Table cookbook. I've made a few already (and will exclude those) and have really enjoyed them. It'll broaden my cooking and baking repertoire and bring new dishes into the house at meal times. Much needed!
Okay, I'm going to take off. It's Saturday, so it's sit-back-and-binge-watch-Doctor-Who night. I better get the popcorn ready.
Hope y'all are having a good weekend. If the weather is as beautiful as it is here, be sure to get out. There is much colder weather coming around the corner.
I recently went with a fellow expat friend to a cafe to meet with a group of other expats to practice the language. There's a man that leads it who's been in the country for almost 40 years and likes to help. There were several of us the other night and it went well. I was a bit (read: a lot) overwhelmed, but I trudged through. I even participated a little. I ended the evening both tired and stimulated. I think I'll go back and give it a try for a bit. Even if I didn't understand everything, I think it got the 'ol gear box working, y'know? It already enforced more Dutch thinking through the week and even though it started to taper off the longer the week went, it's still good progress. W. was impressed with my reading/translating tonight.
It's also been decided that I'm (even more so) joining the magazine editors team. I already contribute recipes, but now I'm going to be helping W. with graphic design. I'm even learning Adobe's InDesign. The guy who was doing it had to leave, so I'm stepping in to help out. Besides, it's something else to add to the resume and it makes my not-working time more constructive. All of this is good progress; I'm not working, yet somehow I'm being kept busy. I'm very grateful for this.
I don't know if many of you have heard of Ello (https://ello.co/). It's touted as the new anti-Facebook. It's very simple and clean-looking. You can sign up to be on the waiting list, or get an invite from a friend who already made it on (also) through an invite from a friend. It's very quiet now with not a lot of people on it and it's still in beta stage. Anything that gives me a break from Facebook wins, so... yeah. I'll say that after looking at some people's profiles (your profile is public) that it's very much for the art or culturally-minded community. Lots of art. Lots of photography. I'm not sure I fit there. I used to be this person, but it's been a very long time. I really miss Google+, I'm not gonna lie. Not as many people are on it as Facebook (or at least they weren't when I walked away over a year or two ago) and you had more control over who could see or not see your posts, but maybe I'll try again and see who's lurking. Last I checked there were new friends on that hadn't previously joined. Google+ 's network is fantastic. Much more user-friendly, I think.
There were a couple other things I wanted to talk about, but I'm going to put them on the back-burner and talk about them another time. I wanted to share a couple of cultural differences, 'cause you know those are always fun.
So the other night on my way to choir, I was on the bus and when we turned one of the street corners, traffic came to a dead stop. You know how it goes, everyone pokes their heads up and around to see if they can tell what's going on. There's talk and guesses what's holding us up. Yeah, they had an alcohol check. So get this.. the set up is pretty much the same; cops in the middle of the road, stopping traffic both ways to check for alcohol consumption (on a busy one-lane street, no less), there's two of them per station. They check you for alcohol alright. They make you blow on the spot! Every. Single. Vehicle. Even our busdriver had to blow! They have their devices with disposable cap thingies to replace with each use. Our police guy's partner was holding two bags of them. On. The. Spot. They're not messing around! I think it's fabulous! MUCH less room for error, much less guessing (for the cop, and for you and your chances. "Oh, I've just had two tonight, it's a weeknight, a RIDE Program won't be out, I'll be fine. BAM! You'll be 'fine' alright because you'll get a fine). How it works after they find alcohol in your system, I don't know how that process works. In this instance they couldn't have exactly made you pull over, cause there was nowhere to pull over *to*. So I shall ask around about that. WHY they're not doing this where I'm from is beyond me.
Gosh, there was another cultural difference I wanted to write about. Hmm.. this one is kind of a two-parter that I don't have time for, but I will get into it a little bit. So.. the list of my friends becoming pregnant around the globe is growing. Had babies. Having babies. Going to have babies. Your social life quickly diminishes if you are of the non-baby community). Gah. It's an epidemic everywhere :P Anyhoo... did you know that when you have a baby here, there is help that comes to the house to help you clean (and do laundry), make meals, they make tea and cut cake for guests, cut your flowers. Like.. the whole shibang. I couldn't believe it. Again... fantastic idea! You're alloted a certain amount of hours (which is fairly substantial, from what I remember) and I believe everyone has access to this. Maternity leave is much shorter though (compared to Ontario); 16 weeks (combination of time off includes both before and after birth). I do side more with the year off that Ontario has; it benefits everyone.
I've decided to make (at least) one recipe a week out of my Dorie Greenspan's Around My French Table cookbook. I've made a few already (and will exclude those) and have really enjoyed them. It'll broaden my cooking and baking repertoire and bring new dishes into the house at meal times. Much needed!
Okay, I'm going to take off. It's Saturday, so it's sit-back-and-binge-watch-Doctor-Who night. I better get the popcorn ready.
Hope y'all are having a good weekend. If the weather is as beautiful as it is here, be sure to get out. There is much colder weather coming around the corner.
Friday, September 19, 2014
I Continue to Find Myself
A hundred things to do and all I want to do is (feel overwhelmed not being able to pick one and) procrastinate and blog. I'm feeling quite hungry so I've grabbed leftovers of a salad in the fridge until I can decide what to make for a real lunch. I have a craving for mac 'n cheese, but I don't think we have the necessary ingredients for me to make it.
I've been quiet for the past month because I've been working out a lot in my head. Almost a month back I'd had a bad day. Like, a really bad day. I'd become so homesick, I'd felt this bottomless black pit of a swirling hole inside me that was no longer filled. I wanted nothing but to go back. I felt trapped. I felt alone. I fell into a deep depression (uncrontrollable crying, not eating, oversleeping, no talking, etc) for 24hrs. I'd left my family (read: my friends are my family). How could I leave my family? I felt the pangs of separation like I was that 12-year old girl away at (2 week-long) camp for the first time. The inconsolable pangs of questioning if you did the right thing, how to fix it and how to make the pain go away (read: get home as soon as possible). Even in my darkest hour I know I've done the right thing, that was no question, but I also knew there was no taking the pain away. I'd just have to ride it out. I knew my friends were my family and I knew I relied on them a lot, but it only occurred to me now how much. I'd been grateful enough to receive care packages from a couple friends when closer to when I first arrived and I'd wanted nothing more at this time, yet I had problems asking for it. I'd wanted that tangible...something.. that helped me feel connected to a place I'd left behind. I didn't want to put anyone out and I guess I knew it was a temporary 'feeling' and as soon as it would pass, that 'tangible something' would arrive beyond my difficulties. Funny thinking, that. As if I could appreciate something like that any less.
I didn't discuss it with any of my Canadian friends, by choice. It was part of letting go and the growth process. I know I could have, and I know I would have been loved and consoled. But this was also an opportunity for my "new" family to prove themselves (for lack of better terms), or to show me what place they will take in my life, just like everyone had a place in my life in Canada. I'm not trying to say this in a haughty way. I'm not trying to replace you at all, but in such circumstances, one needs to find ways on creating a new life in an effort to fill the void. W. talked with me about it a lot. I was able to voice what I'd discovered about myself, my parents (original and newly adopted), my past. I got to see some things in a new light. It was a dark hole, but it was fueled with a higher light and higher purpose.
"Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it."
~ Terry Pratchett
As predicted, I've come out of it okay. Even further ahead. Anytime you learn something about yourself it's a bonus, I say.
This was all happening while I was anxious to make that certain trip I'd talked about in my last post. In fact, I wanted to make the trip even more at this point because of the above. It's no secret anymore because it didn't happen. I was supposed to get my tax money from the CRA, except they didn't finish it in time (and why they hadn't I'll never understand; it's not high tax season, the bastards). With that money, I was going to go to London, UK. One of my friends from Canada was travelling over and I wanted dearly to meet up with her. A real life hug from a Canadian friend.. how joyous that would have been. I also have an internet friend there and would have met up with her as well. It wasn't meant to be, unfortunately, so I was a bit sad over that. (The money still hasn't come through, btw.) :<
There are other things I've learned about myself, but this post is heavy already so it'll have to wait. On a lighter note, one of our neighbours who just moved in a month or so ago (a younger couple) had the courtesy to stop by and let us know an FYI that they would be having a party Monday night for her birthday and there would be noise, stuff going on outside, etc. She said we were welcomed to stop by... and I think we will :) We're looking forward to it.
I haven't had a phone for a little while now and ...argh. I mean, I'm living fine without it, but it sure comes in handy when you're out. And for messaging. And instant translating. It's my old (well, 3yr old) Samsung Galaxy SII. Problems with the motherboard we think (after much research and troubleshooting). I took most of the photos off a while ago, thank goodness, but I'm afraid I've lost some contacts now and recent photos. I don't remember what all I put on my card, so it'll be a surprise when I put it in my new phone. My dad's sending me his old 4s when he picks up the 6. It can't come soon enough! :)
It's the weekend! I have singing tomorrow morning. I forget the occasion, but we're singing the Litany of the Saints (Latin version). We're doing a lot of Latin songs tomorrow. We have a version of O Taste and See (I apologize in advance; turn your sound down, quality isn't great and.. you can turn it off after 20 seonds. Really. It doesn't get much better) that I don't care for as much as the one we did at COOL. We have a Marty Haugen song that it true to Marty Haugen form (Soli del Gloria) simple but pleasant :) What other Marty Haugen song have we done? Was it this one? We're also doing Veni Creator Spiritus and while I love singing Gregorian Chants, this one was new for me and a bit awkward to learn in the appointed time, but I'll be trying my best. You have to get the flow and once I get that, it's just a matter of putting words to chant/music. I can't find the Kyrie Eleison we're doing (Rombach), but it's beautiful and one of my favourite.
Well, I've been sitting for a while, so I'm going to get up and moving. Gonna head into town to the grocery store for a couple of last-minute things for dinner. Hope you have a wonderful weekend planned and if you're as fortunate as us - enjoy the weather! The cold will be upon us before long.
Be well :)
I've been quiet for the past month because I've been working out a lot in my head. Almost a month back I'd had a bad day. Like, a really bad day. I'd become so homesick, I'd felt this bottomless black pit of a swirling hole inside me that was no longer filled. I wanted nothing but to go back. I felt trapped. I felt alone. I fell into a deep depression (uncrontrollable crying, not eating, oversleeping, no talking, etc) for 24hrs. I'd left my family (read: my friends are my family). How could I leave my family? I felt the pangs of separation like I was that 12-year old girl away at (2 week-long) camp for the first time. The inconsolable pangs of questioning if you did the right thing, how to fix it and how to make the pain go away (read: get home as soon as possible). Even in my darkest hour I know I've done the right thing, that was no question, but I also knew there was no taking the pain away. I'd just have to ride it out. I knew my friends were my family and I knew I relied on them a lot, but it only occurred to me now how much. I'd been grateful enough to receive care packages from a couple friends when closer to when I first arrived and I'd wanted nothing more at this time, yet I had problems asking for it. I'd wanted that tangible...something.. that helped me feel connected to a place I'd left behind. I didn't want to put anyone out and I guess I knew it was a temporary 'feeling' and as soon as it would pass, that 'tangible something' would arrive beyond my difficulties. Funny thinking, that. As if I could appreciate something like that any less.
I didn't discuss it with any of my Canadian friends, by choice. It was part of letting go and the growth process. I know I could have, and I know I would have been loved and consoled. But this was also an opportunity for my "new" family to prove themselves (for lack of better terms), or to show me what place they will take in my life, just like everyone had a place in my life in Canada. I'm not trying to say this in a haughty way. I'm not trying to replace you at all, but in such circumstances, one needs to find ways on creating a new life in an effort to fill the void. W. talked with me about it a lot. I was able to voice what I'd discovered about myself, my parents (original and newly adopted), my past. I got to see some things in a new light. It was a dark hole, but it was fueled with a higher light and higher purpose.
"Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it."
~ Terry Pratchett
As predicted, I've come out of it okay. Even further ahead. Anytime you learn something about yourself it's a bonus, I say.
This was all happening while I was anxious to make that certain trip I'd talked about in my last post. In fact, I wanted to make the trip even more at this point because of the above. It's no secret anymore because it didn't happen. I was supposed to get my tax money from the CRA, except they didn't finish it in time (and why they hadn't I'll never understand; it's not high tax season, the bastards). With that money, I was going to go to London, UK. One of my friends from Canada was travelling over and I wanted dearly to meet up with her. A real life hug from a Canadian friend.. how joyous that would have been. I also have an internet friend there and would have met up with her as well. It wasn't meant to be, unfortunately, so I was a bit sad over that. (The money still hasn't come through, btw.) :<
There are other things I've learned about myself, but this post is heavy already so it'll have to wait. On a lighter note, one of our neighbours who just moved in a month or so ago (a younger couple) had the courtesy to stop by and let us know an FYI that they would be having a party Monday night for her birthday and there would be noise, stuff going on outside, etc. She said we were welcomed to stop by... and I think we will :) We're looking forward to it.
I haven't had a phone for a little while now and ...argh. I mean, I'm living fine without it, but it sure comes in handy when you're out. And for messaging. And instant translating. It's my old (well, 3yr old) Samsung Galaxy SII. Problems with the motherboard we think (after much research and troubleshooting). I took most of the photos off a while ago, thank goodness, but I'm afraid I've lost some contacts now and recent photos. I don't remember what all I put on my card, so it'll be a surprise when I put it in my new phone. My dad's sending me his old 4s when he picks up the 6. It can't come soon enough! :)
It's the weekend! I have singing tomorrow morning. I forget the occasion, but we're singing the Litany of the Saints (Latin version). We're doing a lot of Latin songs tomorrow. We have a version of O Taste and See (I apologize in advance; turn your sound down, quality isn't great and.. you can turn it off after 20 seonds. Really. It doesn't get much better) that I don't care for as much as the one we did at COOL. We have a Marty Haugen song that it true to Marty Haugen form (Soli del Gloria) simple but pleasant :) What other Marty Haugen song have we done? Was it this one? We're also doing Veni Creator Spiritus and while I love singing Gregorian Chants, this one was new for me and a bit awkward to learn in the appointed time, but I'll be trying my best. You have to get the flow and once I get that, it's just a matter of putting words to chant/music. I can't find the Kyrie Eleison we're doing (Rombach), but it's beautiful and one of my favourite.
Well, I've been sitting for a while, so I'm going to get up and moving. Gonna head into town to the grocery store for a couple of last-minute things for dinner. Hope you have a wonderful weekend planned and if you're as fortunate as us - enjoy the weather! The cold will be upon us before long.
Be well :)
Monday, August 4, 2014
Life Continues
I'm going to discuss various things today. Jumping around health, cultural differences and... who knows what else. Get comfy. It's a long'un.
Life has been pretty good lately. It's summer, so that means holidays. The north takes their holidays now, and in a week or two, the south take theirs, all for like, 3 weeks or something. I might not be spot-on about that, but it's close. And weird. I explained in Canada while the majority like to take a couple weeks in the summer off, we basically take them when we want. The plus is you know everyone's on holidays and expect that things are a bit slower. The con is... you know everyone's on holidays and expect things to take s-l-o-w-e-r. I digress.
The weather has been pretty fantastic. It's been hovering anywhere from 23-28. We've had a couple hot weeks in there, but nothing has beat an Ontario summer. Really. When it's hot it's hot, don't get me wrong, but the humidity cannot be matched. Yet. I hope not ever. We had two random downpours in the middle of the night and the last heatwave just broke. Ahhh.
So remember me telling you about going to my doc, explaining that my monthly issues were rather painful and really getting nothing in response? Well, she had the heart to send me to a gynaecologist. Thank goodness for that. Went to the specialist (if you're on Facebook you saw my pictures of the hospital cafeteria - O.M.G) and I got answers *on the day*. I'm not kidding. I was in shock. Never in Canada would I have gotten results that quick and decisive. I had an exam and she showed me the ultrasound while it happened and explained to me what she saw; what was normal, what wasn't so much. She had an idea what it was when we first started talking, but post-examination she confirmed: PCOS. I had a diagnosis. Cure? There isn't one. Treatment: painkillers. Naturally, the pill and IUD etc were advised, but I dismissed them as treatment options. All I care most is about controlling the pain, not as much regulating my cycle (it would be nice, but it's not a priority). First was shock. Then there was validation; I wasn't crazy, the pain is real and someone actually HEARD what I was telling them. Then anger; my body was fighting against itself. That's not cool and there's not a damn thing I can do to stop it (unbeknownst to me). I think I've finally come around to acceptance.
I've gone to a couple get-togethers and have met some more people. Expats, mostly. I'm still not social a fraction of what I used to be in Canada, which has been something to get used to, but it is what it is. Oh! I have met one of my neighbours on a walk, though. Very nice man with very good English (and he has a cute dog). I try to be social when I can and I have been trying to come out of my shell more to talk to the locals. I've been enjoying developing my new friendships. In fact, I had a party for my one year here (sorry I didn't post that day to celebrate it, but, life y'know? Also.. it was July 4th) and some of my new closest friends came. Not everyone was able to make it, but we still had a great turnout (for the size of our apartment vs people not being squished) of 10 (and omg presents!). I made the food stuffs, a basic spread on the table (and I made a strawberry-mint water that I couldn't keep full, it was going over so well, very refreshing!!) and we sat around and talked. Everyone got to know someone new and they interacted with each other very easily. I was asked to give a speech and one of the things I said was that meeting such wonderful people helped ease the void of missing my other friends in Canada so much, making it just a *little* bit easier. It's a compliment to the new people and an ode to the old; you guys gave high standards to live up to and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I miss you all dearly and you cannot be replaced. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
Did I mention a possible trip in September? Perhaps I did, but I still will not disclose my location until it becomes final. I'm waiting on good 'ol goverment of Canada to finish my taxes and deposit them in time. C'moooooon CRA.
At the end of my party I noticed someone exchanging business cards. I thought it was wonderful that people were networking. This gave me an idea. As a side tangent, W and I got talking last night about how to be successful in selling your product or service and what some of the keys are of making that a success. Marketing, we decided was one. You can even have, say, an average product, but HOW that product is marketed - clean, polished, professional - can make or break you. You know the others in the list: word of mouth, certain professional habits you can acquire as a person, self-confidence (or even a 'fake it till you make it' mentality) etc etc. But it got me thinking; what if I held a networking party? A couple people I know are out of work (me included) and the others are able or looking for additional work. I'm starting to very much believe in asking for help and support from those around me; without that I don't think success is (as) possible. Who's skills can I enlist in my baking-from-home to help me be successful? But I'm rambling. What do you think? Is this a good idea?
COOLers, please pray for me. My spiritual life has been dry again and I have not had the dicipline to get my arse to church. *sighs, ashamed* I have said a couple basic prayers, but nothing of substance. It really sucks being so far away from a church. An excuse? Perhaps. Reality? Definitely.
Well, I think I'm going to list cultural differences in another email. This one is long already!
Happy Monday!
Life has been pretty good lately. It's summer, so that means holidays. The north takes their holidays now, and in a week or two, the south take theirs, all for like, 3 weeks or something. I might not be spot-on about that, but it's close. And weird. I explained in Canada while the majority like to take a couple weeks in the summer off, we basically take them when we want. The plus is you know everyone's on holidays and expect that things are a bit slower. The con is... you know everyone's on holidays and expect things to take s-l-o-w-e-r. I digress.
The weather has been pretty fantastic. It's been hovering anywhere from 23-28. We've had a couple hot weeks in there, but nothing has beat an Ontario summer. Really. When it's hot it's hot, don't get me wrong, but the humidity cannot be matched. Yet. I hope not ever. We had two random downpours in the middle of the night and the last heatwave just broke. Ahhh.
So remember me telling you about going to my doc, explaining that my monthly issues were rather painful and really getting nothing in response? Well, she had the heart to send me to a gynaecologist. Thank goodness for that. Went to the specialist (if you're on Facebook you saw my pictures of the hospital cafeteria - O.M.G) and I got answers *on the day*. I'm not kidding. I was in shock. Never in Canada would I have gotten results that quick and decisive. I had an exam and she showed me the ultrasound while it happened and explained to me what she saw; what was normal, what wasn't so much. She had an idea what it was when we first started talking, but post-examination she confirmed: PCOS. I had a diagnosis. Cure? There isn't one. Treatment: painkillers. Naturally, the pill and IUD etc were advised, but I dismissed them as treatment options. All I care most is about controlling the pain, not as much regulating my cycle (it would be nice, but it's not a priority). First was shock. Then there was validation; I wasn't crazy, the pain is real and someone actually HEARD what I was telling them. Then anger; my body was fighting against itself. That's not cool and there's not a damn thing I can do to stop it (unbeknownst to me). I think I've finally come around to acceptance.
I've gone to a couple get-togethers and have met some more people. Expats, mostly. I'm still not social a fraction of what I used to be in Canada, which has been something to get used to, but it is what it is. Oh! I have met one of my neighbours on a walk, though. Very nice man with very good English (and he has a cute dog). I try to be social when I can and I have been trying to come out of my shell more to talk to the locals. I've been enjoying developing my new friendships. In fact, I had a party for my one year here (sorry I didn't post that day to celebrate it, but, life y'know? Also.. it was July 4th) and some of my new closest friends came. Not everyone was able to make it, but we still had a great turnout (for the size of our apartment vs people not being squished) of 10 (and omg presents!). I made the food stuffs, a basic spread on the table (and I made a strawberry-mint water that I couldn't keep full, it was going over so well, very refreshing!!) and we sat around and talked. Everyone got to know someone new and they interacted with each other very easily. I was asked to give a speech and one of the things I said was that meeting such wonderful people helped ease the void of missing my other friends in Canada so much, making it just a *little* bit easier. It's a compliment to the new people and an ode to the old; you guys gave high standards to live up to and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I miss you all dearly and you cannot be replaced. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
Did I mention a possible trip in September? Perhaps I did, but I still will not disclose my location until it becomes final. I'm waiting on good 'ol goverment of Canada to finish my taxes and deposit them in time. C'moooooon CRA.
At the end of my party I noticed someone exchanging business cards. I thought it was wonderful that people were networking. This gave me an idea. As a side tangent, W and I got talking last night about how to be successful in selling your product or service and what some of the keys are of making that a success. Marketing, we decided was one. You can even have, say, an average product, but HOW that product is marketed - clean, polished, professional - can make or break you. You know the others in the list: word of mouth, certain professional habits you can acquire as a person, self-confidence (or even a 'fake it till you make it' mentality) etc etc. But it got me thinking; what if I held a networking party? A couple people I know are out of work (me included) and the others are able or looking for additional work. I'm starting to very much believe in asking for help and support from those around me; without that I don't think success is (as) possible. Who's skills can I enlist in my baking-from-home to help me be successful? But I'm rambling. What do you think? Is this a good idea?
COOLers, please pray for me. My spiritual life has been dry again and I have not had the dicipline to get my arse to church. *sighs, ashamed* I have said a couple basic prayers, but nothing of substance. It really sucks being so far away from a church. An excuse? Perhaps. Reality? Definitely.
Well, I think I'm going to list cultural differences in another email. This one is long already!
Happy Monday!
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Thinky Thoughts
I have a few thoughts that have been building up for a while. Or that.. my frustration has built up and I'm about to pop my top. I have all of this... stuff... building up, like un-used energy, and I don't know what to do with it. Let's see what this blog post can do.
An observation I've had of late, is the word 'sorry'. Europeans don't say it as much as we do. Not half as much. That's the one thing I (well, both W. and I, actually) noticed when I first came here, was how often I said 'sorry'. We interject it into sentences or situations so smoothly and stealth-like. I won't go so far as to say it's lost it's meaning. I don't think it has. I just think that we are short of taking ownership of it or our actions and over-using it. (Addendum: when I say 'we' I mean Canadians. Americans use it a lot too, but I don't think as much as us, really.) It came to the point that I would be out and about and maybe accidentally bump into someone at the store. I would say 'sorry', cause that's what we do. But when someone bumps into me, they don't say sorry. I would have a knee-jerk reaction of thinking it was rude of them not to. Okay, perhaps that's a bad example. Or they'll cut ahead of you in an isle. They don't apologize for that, either. I view it as rude, they view it as simply taking their place. They all do it and we both approach it with a completely different mentality. One day a Dutch person said sorry to me and I had to turn around and look at them twice, it was so weird. Now, don't go thinkin' Dutch people are rude. They're not. They're some of the kindest and nicest people I've met. They just.. approach life a little differently.
Funny story; I was writing a recipe for the magazine and at one point I said (translated), "Feel free to add x, y or z to the recipe as other options." W. chuckles and calls me over and he said, "Um, honey.. this part here where you tell people to "feel free"? Yeah, we don't say that. You don't tell people here to 'feel free' to do anything. We were occuppied for 5 years... we just do it." Touche. Fair statement. After a bit of a laugh and feeling alittle lot bad for potentially offending my fellow Dutchies, we removed it :)
So that's a classic example of their mentality, if it helps you at all. I can't say I'd act any differently.
I find myself saying more and more that things are different here. A part of me still expects some things to be the same. Mass, for one, confession for another (these are just a couple examples off the top of my head). I think these little 'changes' or frustrations are piling up and I'm not sure how I'm processing them in my head. Holidays are different. I've already said they don't have the same "whooplah" that we have for holidays back home. Things aren't as commercialized here and maybe advertised a week or two ahead of the occassion (not 2 months). My birthday is this coming Friday and I wanted to celebrate but a) I'm not going to celebrate it on Good Friday and b) this is Easter weekend. Not a lot of people celebrate Easter (at least, not in our circle) but they may be out if the weather is nice. I haven't bothered to ask for people over for a gathering, really, because I can't decide what I want to do or when I want to do it. We also had plans to go away, but since then they have been cancelled. This weekend is so much up in the air, it's making my OCD twitchy. The only plans we have is his parents want to take us out for dinner (celebrating a double birthday; his dad's was Sunday) Saturday night. Mind you, it's at one of my favourite restaurants, so it makes me happy :) I really want to ask myself what I want and what's important to me. Sure, there are a few kitchen gadgets I'd love to have (as I say half-jokingly), but I have everything I want; I'm where I want to be with who I want to be with and with a roof over our head. What more can I ask for? If I was back in Canada I would be having celebrations (multiple dinners, teas, coffees, visits) with the people I cared most about, but things are a lot different here. It's rare to go out for dinner or tea or coffee. If I really want to break it down (and be honest), I think I'm used to the anti-clamatic build up to events, and I'm not getting that here. It's funny how much you notice it when it doesn't happen. It's become so cyclical that it feels like something's missing when it doesn't happen. So then I feel a bit down and dispirited.. and I'm not sure how to process it.
I'm not sure what to do for Easter Sunday. Usually I would make a nice meal for a friend or two or three after a very full (in attendance) and joyful Easter Mass. I would bake something special (Dulce des Tres Leche cake, anyone?). There would be socializing. And now... W. doesn't care 'cause he doesn't celebrate Easter, and if he's not ramped up about something, it's hard for me to get half as excited. All of our inner circle doesn't celebrate Easter, so aside from (both of us) going to Mass, I'm on my own. I have one friend who does celebrate it, but she'll be with her family (and please don't suggest I spend it with them). I just don't know how to move forward right now. I miss making a big deal of things.
Well, this post has taken a downturn. Perhaps I should get up and get something done, move my right hip a bit (have been having problems). The dishes don't do themselves, unfortunately.
I will talk to W. tonight though, and let him know my thoughts. It's so easy to stay in your head about things sometimes that it's easy to pass over the fact that your other half can actually help you get over hurdles. Even if it's just voicing your thoughts, it's nice to have them out in the open and not locked up. It's easy to become independent (or for me, go back to my old ways), when we're really there for the other person to lean on. And you know what, it's been a looooooooong time since I've said a prayer. Perhaps I'll do that in my chores tonight.
Hope your world is treating you well.
An observation I've had of late, is the word 'sorry'. Europeans don't say it as much as we do. Not half as much. That's the one thing I (well, both W. and I, actually) noticed when I first came here, was how often I said 'sorry'. We interject it into sentences or situations so smoothly and stealth-like. I won't go so far as to say it's lost it's meaning. I don't think it has. I just think that we are short of taking ownership of it or our actions and over-using it. (Addendum: when I say 'we' I mean Canadians. Americans use it a lot too, but I don't think as much as us, really.) It came to the point that I would be out and about and maybe accidentally bump into someone at the store. I would say 'sorry', cause that's what we do. But when someone bumps into me, they don't say sorry. I would have a knee-jerk reaction of thinking it was rude of them not to. Okay, perhaps that's a bad example. Or they'll cut ahead of you in an isle. They don't apologize for that, either. I view it as rude, they view it as simply taking their place. They all do it and we both approach it with a completely different mentality. One day a Dutch person said sorry to me and I had to turn around and look at them twice, it was so weird. Now, don't go thinkin' Dutch people are rude. They're not. They're some of the kindest and nicest people I've met. They just.. approach life a little differently.
Funny story; I was writing a recipe for the magazine and at one point I said (translated), "Feel free to add x, y or z to the recipe as other options." W. chuckles and calls me over and he said, "Um, honey.. this part here where you tell people to "feel free"? Yeah, we don't say that. You don't tell people here to 'feel free' to do anything. We were occuppied for 5 years... we just do it." Touche. Fair statement. After a bit of a laugh and feeling a
So that's a classic example of their mentality, if it helps you at all. I can't say I'd act any differently.
I find myself saying more and more that things are different here. A part of me still expects some things to be the same. Mass, for one, confession for another (these are just a couple examples off the top of my head). I think these little 'changes' or frustrations are piling up and I'm not sure how I'm processing them in my head. Holidays are different. I've already said they don't have the same "whooplah" that we have for holidays back home. Things aren't as commercialized here and maybe advertised a week or two ahead of the occassion (not 2 months). My birthday is this coming Friday and I wanted to celebrate but a) I'm not going to celebrate it on Good Friday and b) this is Easter weekend. Not a lot of people celebrate Easter (at least, not in our circle) but they may be out if the weather is nice. I haven't bothered to ask for people over for a gathering, really, because I can't decide what I want to do or when I want to do it. We also had plans to go away, but since then they have been cancelled. This weekend is so much up in the air, it's making my OCD twitchy. The only plans we have is his parents want to take us out for dinner (celebrating a double birthday; his dad's was Sunday) Saturday night. Mind you, it's at one of my favourite restaurants, so it makes me happy :) I really want to ask myself what I want and what's important to me. Sure, there are a few kitchen gadgets I'd love to have (as I say half-jokingly), but I have everything I want; I'm where I want to be with who I want to be with and with a roof over our head. What more can I ask for? If I was back in Canada I would be having celebrations (multiple dinners, teas, coffees, visits) with the people I cared most about, but things are a lot different here. It's rare to go out for dinner or tea or coffee. If I really want to break it down (and be honest), I think I'm used to the anti-clamatic build up to events, and I'm not getting that here. It's funny how much you notice it when it doesn't happen. It's become so cyclical that it feels like something's missing when it doesn't happen. So then I feel a bit down and dispirited.. and I'm not sure how to process it.
I'm not sure what to do for Easter Sunday. Usually I would make a nice meal for a friend or two or three after a very full (in attendance) and joyful Easter Mass. I would bake something special (Dulce des Tres Leche cake, anyone?). There would be socializing. And now... W. doesn't care 'cause he doesn't celebrate Easter, and if he's not ramped up about something, it's hard for me to get half as excited. All of our inner circle doesn't celebrate Easter, so aside from (both of us) going to Mass, I'm on my own. I have one friend who does celebrate it, but she'll be with her family (and please don't suggest I spend it with them). I just don't know how to move forward right now. I miss making a big deal of things.
Well, this post has taken a downturn. Perhaps I should get up and get something done, move my right hip a bit (have been having problems). The dishes don't do themselves, unfortunately.
I will talk to W. tonight though, and let him know my thoughts. It's so easy to stay in your head about things sometimes that it's easy to pass over the fact that your other half can actually help you get over hurdles. Even if it's just voicing your thoughts, it's nice to have them out in the open and not locked up. It's easy to become independent (or for me, go back to my old ways), when we're really there for the other person to lean on. And you know what, it's been a looooooooong time since I've said a prayer. Perhaps I'll do that in my chores tonight.
Hope your world is treating you well.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Thankful
Good morning! Happy Monday! How are you recovering from the weekend? There was a lot going on I hear; house-warming parties, wine tours. My goodness you're a social bunch ;)
Yesterday I held my (late) Thanksgiving dinner for a party of 6. I was of two minds about it after last week's post/breakdown; I wasn't sure if I was ready to be surrounded by a few people or if I wanted time by myself, and When we arrived at the butcher Friday to pick up the turkey we were surprised; we ordered a 3 kilo turkey. We were presented with 6.9 kilos. That's over a 15 lb turkey! For 6 people! (Woo! Leftovers!) That was the smallest they could find and they did give us a fair deal, price wise. So we lugged out turkey home and found room for it in the fridge.
There was plenty of food on the table and everyone was quite sated. Turkey, ciabatta pancetta and apple stuffing (I made the night before and it was a hit), carrots, mashed potatoes, buns, green beans. For dessert there was a simple apple crisp and (homemade) Toblerone Semifreddo (semifreddo = 'half frozen', similar to ice cream). I have to say they were a perfect combination. Then tea and winding down.
His parents were sweet and got me a couple of small Friesian-style gifts (welcoming me to the country, STILL, after almost being here 4 months). Of the friends that came (a married couple), she gave me a food item (for my recipes) I've had a hard time locating. I've definitely been blessed to be around such generous people. It was a very 'gezellig' (cozy) evening.
Part of me is still very hesitant to get close to these people. I've just left my home base and I'm conscious enough to not want to fill the gaping void with just anyone. These people aren't just anyone, but I think it's taking a while for my head to catch up with my heart. All part of the adjustment.
Speaking of which, I've been making more of a mental conscious effort to acknowledge my move/change and it's going well. Much better than before, actually. I'm trying to remain more in the moment than in my head. Success.
I still miss Babu.
We had a time change this weekend. And guess what.. they do it on a *Saturday*, not a Sunday. I always joke w/W. that they do everything backwards. Not this one. It would make getting to work at the proper time on a Monday morning go *much more* stress free! They've got it right!
Very windy today (gail force winds up to 120+km/hr) but sunny, so I might just chance going out for a walk. If you don't hear from me in a day, send out the search and rescue ;)
Have a great day!
Yesterday I held my (late) Thanksgiving dinner for a party of 6. I was of two minds about it after last week's post/breakdown; I wasn't sure if I was ready to be surrounded by a few people or if I wanted time by myself, and When we arrived at the butcher Friday to pick up the turkey we were surprised; we ordered a 3 kilo turkey. We were presented with 6.9 kilos. That's over a 15 lb turkey! For 6 people! (Woo! Leftovers!) That was the smallest they could find and they did give us a fair deal, price wise. So we lugged out turkey home and found room for it in the fridge.
There was plenty of food on the table and everyone was quite sated. Turkey, ciabatta pancetta and apple stuffing (I made the night before and it was a hit), carrots, mashed potatoes, buns, green beans. For dessert there was a simple apple crisp and (homemade) Toblerone Semifreddo (semifreddo = 'half frozen', similar to ice cream). I have to say they were a perfect combination. Then tea and winding down.
His parents were sweet and got me a couple of small Friesian-style gifts (welcoming me to the country, STILL, after almost being here 4 months). Of the friends that came (a married couple), she gave me a food item (for my recipes) I've had a hard time locating. I've definitely been blessed to be around such generous people. It was a very 'gezellig' (cozy) evening.
Part of me is still very hesitant to get close to these people. I've just left my home base and I'm conscious enough to not want to fill the gaping void with just anyone. These people aren't just anyone, but I think it's taking a while for my head to catch up with my heart. All part of the adjustment.
Speaking of which, I've been making more of a mental conscious effort to acknowledge my move/change and it's going well. Much better than before, actually. I'm trying to remain more in the moment than in my head. Success.
I still miss Babu.
We had a time change this weekend. And guess what.. they do it on a *Saturday*, not a Sunday. I always joke w/W. that they do everything backwards. Not this one. It would make getting to work at the proper time on a Monday morning go *much more* stress free! They've got it right!
Very windy today (gail force winds up to 120+km/hr) but sunny, so I might just chance going out for a walk. If you don't hear from me in a day, send out the search and rescue ;)
Have a great day!
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Starting Over
There are a hundred titles I've thought of for this post...
"Overwhelm"
"Breaking Through"
"Guilt"
"Vulnerability"
"Courage"
"Honesty"
I can't decide.
With a bit of a breakdown this morning, I had a bit of a breakthrough (they go hand-in-hand, I think. I'm also channelling my inner Brené Brown). What started as an email to a friend about a lack-lustre prayer life, ended up turning into a confessional. Except not so much to them, as to myself. I'd given a voice to what has been silently bothering me for the last 3 months. With my lack of talking to friends (like, real conversations, I don't mean "how are you liking it there? or What's different? or How's the weather?")** or blogging, I've been keeping inside what (I think) makes me - me; expressing my vulnerability, really talking about life and it's meaning or impact on ourselves or each other or challenging ourselves. Needless to say I've been stuck in my head a lot... and for whoever's been there... that's *not* a good thing. After said email, I spoke to a friend who gave me things I needed to hear and helped raise some awareness. So it's time for me to get honest. Brutal truth, guys. Brace yourselves (or maybe I should...) :/
I'm overwhelmed.
I feel stuck.
I shut off way too often (Facebook? Pinterest, anyone?).
I rush through situations that are uncomfortable (usually per language barriers).
I see my admitting overwhelm as a sign of weakness and it is attached with guilt (how can I feel overwhelmed? I'm not working a 50-hr week, have 5 projects on the go or involved with 3 clubs).
I've been using food as comfort (my ever-expanding waistline is a proving indication).
I've had much higher expectations of myself coming here than I was willing to admit (part inflicted by me, part inflicted by society and friends).
The kicker is I hide all of those points. Even to W. sometimes (s'ok, you can judge).
I have now been challenged to re-write what I see as 'overwhelm' and conversely, 'successful'.
Overwhelm is not always having 50 things on the go. Sometimes overwhelm is having one major thing on the go, with maybe 5 baby things trailing behind it. Overwhelm is being reminded *every minute* that I am in a situation that has no "quick fix" and that it will take a lot of time and effort to get to a point where I will be completely comfortable (like with the language, or not being able to find a job). Overwhelm is trying to be okay with the fact that I have control issues and I am in a situation that in part, I have no control over. Overwhelm is wanting to learn a language in 5 minutes so I can move on with life and not feel like an outsider. Overwhelm is having my bf's mother encourage me to look into getting a Dutch drivers licence when I have (yet) no desire to drive. Overwhelm is feeling happy in a life I wanted to be in with a man that loves me but feeling conflicted because I miss my friends, my town, the comfortable flow I had in my life, my sociability, my (let's get real)... safety zone.
Success is not always becoming CEO, or having lots of friends, or the biggest house on the block. Success is moving to a new country, leaving everyone and everything familiar behind. Success is, when you do have the nerve, to smile and say hello to your neighbour and comment on the weather - in your new language. Success is admitting overwhelm. Success is feeling like crap but seeing the positive anyways. Success is being gentle with yourself. Repeatedly. Success is giving yourself permission to feel ovewhelmed, in any situation. Success is after you think that by moving to a new country you're starting over, that three and a half months into said move, do you indeed need to state again that you are "starting over" (see explanation below).
It's hard to find a point of where to start (moving on, moving forward) since there's so much to do. What's the indicator that tells you how and where to begin? That's the hard part. So, for today and moving forward, I will look at things with a fresh perspective. This is a big deal. There is a lot of effort involved. It will take a lot of time. I will need to make baby steps to get to the bigger things that I visualize in my head I see happening for me. Now that I've given it a voice, I'm okay with it (instead of running away from it). I'm okay with there having to be effort. There is now a sort of peace (temporary, I'm sure). Or maybe I should say.. I've reached a point now that I can relax a bit and let life come to me, instead of pushing through to get to it.
On that note, I am going to make a late lunch and get out for a bike ride. I hope you're having a fabulous week!
** Not to say I don't enjoy these conversations; I just find I need a bit more of the dig-deep, feeling-connected ones.
"Overwhelm"
"Breaking Through"
"Guilt"
"Vulnerability"
"Courage"
"Honesty"
I can't decide.
With a bit of a breakdown this morning, I had a bit of a breakthrough (they go hand-in-hand, I think. I'm also channelling my inner Brené Brown). What started as an email to a friend about a lack-lustre prayer life, ended up turning into a confessional. Except not so much to them, as to myself. I'd given a voice to what has been silently bothering me for the last 3 months. With my lack of talking to friends (like, real conversations, I don't mean "how are you liking it there? or What's different? or How's the weather?")** or blogging, I've been keeping inside what (I think) makes me - me; expressing my vulnerability, really talking about life and it's meaning or impact on ourselves or each other or challenging ourselves. Needless to say I've been stuck in my head a lot... and for whoever's been there... that's *not* a good thing. After said email, I spoke to a friend who gave me things I needed to hear and helped raise some awareness. So it's time for me to get honest. Brutal truth, guys. Brace yourselves (or maybe I should...) :/
I'm overwhelmed.
I feel stuck.
I shut off way too often (Facebook? Pinterest, anyone?).
I rush through situations that are uncomfortable (usually per language barriers).
I see my admitting overwhelm as a sign of weakness and it is attached with guilt (how can I feel overwhelmed? I'm not working a 50-hr week, have 5 projects on the go or involved with 3 clubs).
I've been using food as comfort (my ever-expanding waistline is a proving indication).
I've had much higher expectations of myself coming here than I was willing to admit (part inflicted by me, part inflicted by society and friends).
The kicker is I hide all of those points. Even to W. sometimes (s'ok, you can judge).
I have now been challenged to re-write what I see as 'overwhelm' and conversely, 'successful'.
Overwhelm is not always having 50 things on the go. Sometimes overwhelm is having one major thing on the go, with maybe 5 baby things trailing behind it. Overwhelm is being reminded *every minute* that I am in a situation that has no "quick fix" and that it will take a lot of time and effort to get to a point where I will be completely comfortable (like with the language, or not being able to find a job). Overwhelm is trying to be okay with the fact that I have control issues and I am in a situation that in part, I have no control over. Overwhelm is wanting to learn a language in 5 minutes so I can move on with life and not feel like an outsider. Overwhelm is having my bf's mother encourage me to look into getting a Dutch drivers licence when I have (yet) no desire to drive. Overwhelm is feeling happy in a life I wanted to be in with a man that loves me but feeling conflicted because I miss my friends, my town, the comfortable flow I had in my life, my sociability, my (let's get real)... safety zone.
Success is not always becoming CEO, or having lots of friends, or the biggest house on the block. Success is moving to a new country, leaving everyone and everything familiar behind. Success is, when you do have the nerve, to smile and say hello to your neighbour and comment on the weather - in your new language. Success is admitting overwhelm. Success is feeling like crap but seeing the positive anyways. Success is being gentle with yourself. Repeatedly. Success is giving yourself permission to feel ovewhelmed, in any situation. Success is after you think that by moving to a new country you're starting over, that three and a half months into said move, do you indeed need to state again that you are "starting over" (see explanation below).
It's hard to find a point of where to start (moving on, moving forward) since there's so much to do. What's the indicator that tells you how and where to begin? That's the hard part. So, for today and moving forward, I will look at things with a fresh perspective. This is a big deal. There is a lot of effort involved. It will take a lot of time. I will need to make baby steps to get to the bigger things that I visualize in my head I see happening for me. Now that I've given it a voice, I'm okay with it (instead of running away from it). I'm okay with there having to be effort. There is now a sort of peace (temporary, I'm sure). Or maybe I should say.. I've reached a point now that I can relax a bit and let life come to me, instead of pushing through to get to it.
On that note, I am going to make a late lunch and get out for a bike ride. I hope you're having a fabulous week!
** Not to say I don't enjoy these conversations; I just find I need a bit more of the dig-deep, feeling-connected ones.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
I Need to Vent
K.. you have to understand I'm stressed out. This is common knowledge, right? Not only on top of that, but I'm now trying to organize a get-together that no one else was willing to hold for me, in lieu of said stress. I CAN'T ORGANIZE PARTIES RIGHT NOW, but you know what, it seems like I have to.
I posted said get-together on Facebook as an event and listed it as Open House style - you come when you're able to come. This is not a chance for me to list something from 7pm onwards and someone say to me, "I can't make it, I'm working that afternoon." This encourages said person if they can't come in the evening, to stop by and say hi in the morning or early afternoon, or whenever. Likewise, I have a friend who prefers to come when there's not so many people here, so earlier in the day.
An old co-worker/friend stopped by this morning to drop off a cooler for ice. She said people are wondering what time to come. I said, "It's open house style, they can come whenever." She looked at me with a blank stare wondering wtf I'm talking about. Now, she's younger than I am by several years, if not close to 10. Does the concept or term "Open House" only apply to older folk? Are we the only ones that know what this means? Or do people not know how to fucking read? Cause that wouldn't surprise me at all either. But then another friend of mine posted on the event (who's the same age as me) wondering what time to come. So I'm starting to think PEOPLE DON'T KNOW HOW TO FUCKING READ. I get that parties and get-togethers are usually a set time and I get I'm branching OUT FROM THE NORM just so I can fucking see people before I leave. Sue me.
Seriously? This is making me want to cry? THIS IS WHY I SHOULDN'T ORGANIZE MY OWN PARTY RIGHT NOW.
Sigh.
I posted said get-together on Facebook as an event and listed it as Open House style - you come when you're able to come. This is not a chance for me to list something from 7pm onwards and someone say to me, "I can't make it, I'm working that afternoon." This encourages said person if they can't come in the evening, to stop by and say hi in the morning or early afternoon, or whenever. Likewise, I have a friend who prefers to come when there's not so many people here, so earlier in the day.
An old co-worker/friend stopped by this morning to drop off a cooler for ice. She said people are wondering what time to come. I said, "It's open house style, they can come whenever." She looked at me with a blank stare wondering wtf I'm talking about. Now, she's younger than I am by several years, if not close to 10. Does the concept or term "Open House" only apply to older folk? Are we the only ones that know what this means? Or do people not know how to fucking read? Cause that wouldn't surprise me at all either. But then another friend of mine posted on the event (who's the same age as me) wondering what time to come. So I'm starting to think PEOPLE DON'T KNOW HOW TO FUCKING READ. I get that parties and get-togethers are usually a set time and I get I'm branching OUT FROM THE NORM just so I can fucking see people before I leave. Sue me.
Seriously? This is making me want to cry? THIS IS WHY I SHOULDN'T ORGANIZE MY OWN PARTY RIGHT NOW.
Sigh.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
So You Think You're Envious?
Common phrases I'm told is that people are envious, how brave I am, what a great thing it is I'm doing, how happy I'll be.
This? This right now, is not happy. This right now is done with dealing with people who AREN'T GETTING THAT I'M LEAVING. This, right now, is done with people who don't seem to care about how I've worked with them for 5.5 years and treat my last day with them as any other. This, right now, is done with family who have only starting to attempt making plans 3 WEEKS BEFORE I LEAVE. This, right now, is me **so** stretched thin, that I barely have everyone and every thing covered before I go. This right now..is me so stressed out that I don't know how I'm going to get through the next 3 weeks.
This is the dark side of moving somewhere far away. Yes, there will be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but it's not all fun and roses. To pick up your entire life, leave everything and everyone behind is not easy and causes very painful moments.
I'm going to cry myself to sleep now.
This? This right now, is not happy. This right now is done with dealing with people who AREN'T GETTING THAT I'M LEAVING. This, right now, is done with people who don't seem to care about how I've worked with them for 5.5 years and treat my last day with them as any other. This, right now, is done with family who have only starting to attempt making plans 3 WEEKS BEFORE I LEAVE. This, right now, is me **so** stretched thin, that I barely have everyone and every thing covered before I go. This right now..is me so stressed out that I don't know how I'm going to get through the next 3 weeks.
This is the dark side of moving somewhere far away. Yes, there will be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but it's not all fun and roses. To pick up your entire life, leave everything and everyone behind is not easy and causes very painful moments.
I'm going to cry myself to sleep now.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
New Home
So yesterday I made an appointment to meet with my new roommate. We were originally planning to sit and visit and have a tea, but she wanted to go for a walk instead; she's a university student and has been studying far too long and wanted to get moving. I'm all for that since I had to go pick up something anyways.
I knew I liked her when I took the place, but I got to know her a bit more yesterday. We did a lot of talking and I've come to find out she's well-traveled, having been to several places around the world (and going to more this summer). She's vegan (which challenged me making my regular brownies into vegan brownies.. and they turned out fantastic, if not better if you can believe it!). She's also Dutch and from my home town, but I might have already mentioned that. She's just a really, really nice girl. Well brought up, seems beyond her age. I'm a bit sad actually, that we won't be sharing the place much together (she'll be going out when I'm coming in). Maybe I'll go hang out there a bit in the next while before she leaves; I don't know (she's pretty busy with end-of-term studying so not much time for visiting).
The weather was nice enough yesterday that I walked out to the backyard (did I mention it backs onto the river? Where there's ducks?? I saw ducks!! And geese. The geese might have to go. We're not friends). I might have to annoy you with daily duck pictures. I apologize in advance. No, you know what.. I'm not going to feel bad about it. Ducks make me happy :P It's really nice and I'm going to enjoy, I think, sitting back there with my tea or coffee in the morning, or at night, listening to nature, watching the lights and sounds of the city. Another reason I'm anxious to get over there; it's a beautiful neighbourhood and should be a bit quieter than what I'm used to now. I'm surrounded by wonderful old homes. Seems like a family neighbourhood? But I'm not sure yet; everyone's still hibernating.
This place makes me very happy. It's got a good feel about it.
So... I've got the key and I'll start moving stuff in anytime; maybe this weekend when M. comes to visit (sorry, M., but hey, you get to see the new place) :D Not that I have much packed up. Sigh. I'm not doing very well with this. I could use help (volunteers? Anyone? Beuller?).
And it's Easter weekend (or as I've learned, Paasweekend, in Dutch). Can't wait for M.'s visit, and maybe plan a special meal. I'll get around to that as soon as I finish two projects on the go, packing, organizing, work, choir/church, cleaning, figuring things out about Babu, sorting stuff for donation......................
*faints*
I knew I liked her when I took the place, but I got to know her a bit more yesterday. We did a lot of talking and I've come to find out she's well-traveled, having been to several places around the world (and going to more this summer). She's vegan (which challenged me making my regular brownies into vegan brownies.. and they turned out fantastic, if not better if you can believe it!). She's also Dutch and from my home town, but I might have already mentioned that. She's just a really, really nice girl. Well brought up, seems beyond her age. I'm a bit sad actually, that we won't be sharing the place much together (she'll be going out when I'm coming in). Maybe I'll go hang out there a bit in the next while before she leaves; I don't know (she's pretty busy with end-of-term studying so not much time for visiting).
The weather was nice enough yesterday that I walked out to the backyard (did I mention it backs onto the river? Where there's ducks?? I saw ducks!! And geese. The geese might have to go. We're not friends). I might have to annoy you with daily duck pictures. I apologize in advance. No, you know what.. I'm not going to feel bad about it. Ducks make me happy :P It's really nice and I'm going to enjoy, I think, sitting back there with my tea or coffee in the morning, or at night, listening to nature, watching the lights and sounds of the city. Another reason I'm anxious to get over there; it's a beautiful neighbourhood and should be a bit quieter than what I'm used to now. I'm surrounded by wonderful old homes. Seems like a family neighbourhood? But I'm not sure yet; everyone's still hibernating.
This place makes me very happy. It's got a good feel about it.
So... I've got the key and I'll start moving stuff in anytime; maybe this weekend when M. comes to visit (sorry, M., but hey, you get to see the new place) :D Not that I have much packed up. Sigh. I'm not doing very well with this. I could use help (volunteers? Anyone? Beuller?).
And it's Easter weekend (or as I've learned, Paasweekend, in Dutch). Can't wait for M.'s visit, and maybe plan a special meal. I'll get around to that as soon as I finish two projects on the go, packing, organizing, work, choir/church, cleaning, figuring things out about Babu, sorting stuff for donation......................
*faints*
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Farmer's Market to... Pastry Chef?
Well, I'm happy to report today was a success.
....At least, as far as successes go. I count anything as a profit a success, so by my standards, I wasn't asking much. Whatever I made I considered a bonus; I'm doing what I enjoy. Now, I was anxious as hell for getting my baking out in the public for the first time, I'm not gonna lie. You know when things just sort of...roll in succession and happen naturally and fall into place? That's what this was. It was suggested I put in a table, I automatically made business cards without thinking much about it and baked my ass off for 3 days. I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about things or deliberating if this is what I should do.
Now, having said that, I know what I would do differently next time. I need to get on the ball more and I'd make a few changes.. but that's a learned experience and all hindsight now. I'm making notes for next time (I need a designated notebook!).
The weather was.. tolerable. It was drizzly today and damp - so the girls and I were a bit chilled to the bone. I should have a bath tonight; that's a sure remedy.
There were 2 girls at a table next to me who took care of the produce (there was a lot!) and they were super nice. In fact, one of them is a manager at a boutique grocer down the street and suggested I look into getting my product in there (did I just hear myself say someone wanted me to sell my stuff in a store.. professionally?). I'll keep her as a contact. Also, the manager for the cafeteria in the hospital would like to sell my items at Christmas (wow!), but we're not sure if that's feasible yet. I'm not a registered business for all this so it poses problems - but not impossible ones.
I sit back and look at my life as it stands and... I'm so happy and so thankful. You and I know I've wanted things to turn around for a long time now. And if you really know about things, you know I worked hard for this and it's about damn time. I don't feel bad saying I deserve this (something I never would have been able to say in the past; I was a different person then).
How do I feel now besides happy? Tired as hell. I'm exhausted. I can barely keep my head upright. Baking over a hot oven for 3 days and socializing for one & trying to make an adequate impression and future contacts, takes a lot out of a girl. And apparently I'm doing this again in November!?!
Well, I'm going to take a night for myself and get to bed early (back to reality - work!). I can't leave without saying thanks to you for all your support. And you know I can't leave without thanking the Big Guy upstairs. Last but never least, W.; I hate to sound cliche but my rock and my strength. Without your love and support (and endless patience for my craziness; God love you) I wouldn't have had the strength for today. You are my life.
....At least, as far as successes go. I count anything as a profit a success, so by my standards, I wasn't asking much. Whatever I made I considered a bonus; I'm doing what I enjoy. Now, I was anxious as hell for getting my baking out in the public for the first time, I'm not gonna lie. You know when things just sort of...roll in succession and happen naturally and fall into place? That's what this was. It was suggested I put in a table, I automatically made business cards without thinking much about it and baked my ass off for 3 days. I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about things or deliberating if this is what I should do.
Now, having said that, I know what I would do differently next time. I need to get on the ball more and I'd make a few changes.. but that's a learned experience and all hindsight now. I'm making notes for next time (I need a designated notebook!).
The weather was.. tolerable. It was drizzly today and damp - so the girls and I were a bit chilled to the bone. I should have a bath tonight; that's a sure remedy.
There were 2 girls at a table next to me who took care of the produce (there was a lot!) and they were super nice. In fact, one of them is a manager at a boutique grocer down the street and suggested I look into getting my product in there (did I just hear myself say someone wanted me to sell my stuff in a store.. professionally?). I'll keep her as a contact. Also, the manager for the cafeteria in the hospital would like to sell my items at Christmas (wow!), but we're not sure if that's feasible yet. I'm not a registered business for all this so it poses problems - but not impossible ones.
I sit back and look at my life as it stands and... I'm so happy and so thankful. You and I know I've wanted things to turn around for a long time now. And if you really know about things, you know I worked hard for this and it's about damn time. I don't feel bad saying I deserve this (something I never would have been able to say in the past; I was a different person then).
How do I feel now besides happy? Tired as hell. I'm exhausted. I can barely keep my head upright. Baking over a hot oven for 3 days and socializing for one & trying to make an adequate impression and future contacts, takes a lot out of a girl. And apparently I'm doing this again in November!?!
Well, I'm going to take a night for myself and get to bed early (back to reality - work!). I can't leave without saying thanks to you for all your support. And you know I can't leave without thanking the Big Guy upstairs. Last but never least, W.; I hate to sound cliche but my rock and my strength. Without your love and support (and endless patience for my craziness; God love you) I wouldn't have had the strength for today. You are my life.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Post Jazz Festival and Nuit Blanche
Well, it's time to wind down after the weekend... and what a fabulous weekend. MK visited (a very close friend of mine from back home) and it was nice to spend time together as we only get together once or twice a year. We had all sorts of amazing food and we hit up the Jazz Festival in town and Nuit Blanche (overnight) - where, if you ask me - are some of the best acts; nestled in a corner of the city in some cafe or yoga studio. I watched some of these musicians and.. they amaze me. Take Matt Brubeck, for one (son of jazz legend Dave Brubeck). The link shows his performance at last year's Jazz Fest and I was among the crowd; great quality video showing his improvisation and a very cool, very industrial-looking cello :) A typical eccentric artist by appearance (black hair, black clothes, black runners with hot pink accents), his hand naturally curls and rests around the neck of the cello and it's always there; almost like it's an extension of who he is. Except, it's more than that. It's not an extension, it's literally a part of him. Not a half; a whole, almost as if they've melded into one being. This isn't simply a hobby or an interest or a career, this is who he is. I guess he lived out in San Francisco for some time, but he's living in the Toronto area again? Anyways, if you're in either city/area and you have the chance to see him, please try to get out.
Another act we caught is Gordon Grdina; played Arabic music with a Turkish guitar (the link is horrible quality but shows you the type of music he does which was very enjoyable in an intimate setting). I might check for one of his CD's. It was mostly a solo performance, not the group you see, though there was also a couple guys there with the odd accompaniment of voice and/or percussion.
Anyways.. enough about that. I'm tired now. We made it until after 3am last night and were in bed for 04:00, with another busy day. It's just after 9pm and I'm gonna get ready for bed and maybe relax a bit with a book.
Hope you had as great of a weekend. The weather has finally changed and it's absolutely perfect. I will try to get out and enjoy it as much as I can before we have to ... shhh.. hibernate!
Another act we caught is Gordon Grdina; played Arabic music with a Turkish guitar (the link is horrible quality but shows you the type of music he does which was very enjoyable in an intimate setting). I might check for one of his CD's. It was mostly a solo performance, not the group you see, though there was also a couple guys there with the odd accompaniment of voice and/or percussion.
Anyways.. enough about that. I'm tired now. We made it until after 3am last night and were in bed for 04:00, with another busy day. It's just after 9pm and I'm gonna get ready for bed and maybe relax a bit with a book.
Hope you had as great of a weekend. The weather has finally changed and it's absolutely perfect. I will try to get out and enjoy it as much as I can before we have to ... shhh.. hibernate!
Friday, August 3, 2012
Ugh.. Kill Me Now..
Sick with a cold, in the middle of summer? Seriously? Seriously??? I don't think I've gotten a cold in the middle of summer in my life. Thankfully I've been off the past 3 days to be sick/recover. Sitting up, typing this to you now, is a bit exhausting. I really don't know how I'm going to find the energy to go to work tomorrow. If I had a proper working laptop, I could be typing this in bed. *sigh*
What was I going to ramble about today? Oh right. My dear friend CZ is getting married in a week (plus 2 days). A WEEK! OMG! IT'S SO EXCITING! :D And... IS IT REALLY THAT TIME ALREADY?? I'm really getting stoked... partly because I've got this fabulous dress that is me but isn't me (in a good way) (and when was the last time I dressed up??) but I'm totally going to rock it. Or at least... try. TMI.. but I just realized today I'll be PMS'ing and bloated while in this fabulous dress. Man. Not cool. I'm trying to look great and all I'll feel like is a beached whale :P Well, try to complement me anyways, I might need it! lol Anyways, what's cool is I got *everything* for this outfit on sale. And I'm totally girling it up next weekend. I've scheduled a mani-pedi for the Friday (though I think I'll cancel the manicure; I can't wear nail polish at work and I'll have to literally take it off a day later. A bit of a waste if you ask me) and get an extended special pedicure. And I'm getting my hair done up at the salon the morning of. Woot. Look at me go. Take some pictures; this one's gotta last :)
I just found out on Facebook tonight one of the girls I went to high school/public school with's sister passed away today. That was sad :(
Um.. I could whine about how all I've been doing is resting, trying to keep up with cleaning of house, more resting, how I have no energy to do *anything*.. but that's no fun for you to hear. I've had the a/c on cause it's best curled up under the covers when you're sick, than sprawled out because if you move you sweat. /whine
There was some other stuff I was going to ramble about.. but.. I don't even remember. Which means it's probably time for bed. I'm out..
What was I going to ramble about today? Oh right. My dear friend CZ is getting married in a week (plus 2 days). A WEEK! OMG! IT'S SO EXCITING! :D And... IS IT REALLY THAT TIME ALREADY?? I'm really getting stoked... partly because I've got this fabulous dress that is me but isn't me (in a good way) (and when was the last time I dressed up??) but I'm totally going to rock it. Or at least... try. TMI.. but I just realized today I'll be PMS'ing and bloated while in this fabulous dress. Man. Not cool. I'm trying to look great and all I'll feel like is a beached whale :P Well, try to complement me anyways, I might need it! lol Anyways, what's cool is I got *everything* for this outfit on sale. And I'm totally girling it up next weekend. I've scheduled a mani-pedi for the Friday (though I think I'll cancel the manicure; I can't wear nail polish at work and I'll have to literally take it off a day later. A bit of a waste if you ask me) and get an extended special pedicure. And I'm getting my hair done up at the salon the morning of. Woot. Look at me go. Take some pictures; this one's gotta last :)
I just found out on Facebook tonight one of the girls I went to high school/public school with's sister passed away today. That was sad :(
Um.. I could whine about how all I've been doing is resting, trying to keep up with cleaning of house, more resting, how I have no energy to do *anything*.. but that's no fun for you to hear. I've had the a/c on cause it's best curled up under the covers when you're sick, than sprawled out because if you move you sweat. /whine
There was some other stuff I was going to ramble about.. but.. I don't even remember. Which means it's probably time for bed. I'm out..
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Not Angry Anymore...and Ramble
So... I did some self-work and dove into why I am so bent on being a martyr. Lord knows it's not healthy, for me or the other person. I don't have an answer why (other than hypothesizing it relates to lack of control of things in my own life, though I don't think this is the entire reason) but I was able to detach from it. I realized I've taken on a mother/nurturing role with, in essence some ways, the entire world (or so I said it felt like I had the world on my shoulders). Having said that, I wasn't able to detach 'nurturing' from 'martyr'. In my head, they were the same thing. It's what I've been doing for 20-25 years and like I said, it's innate. But it doesn't mean it was right. So, I was able after a while to detach the two after a while and notice the difference. When I let go of being this.. martyr.. I mourned the loss of this thing I was so attached to. It was easy (I think because it was the right time), but painful. I was sad. Let me use a metaphor (I do like using metaphors, don't I?); when a mother 'loses' their child to adulthood, when they grow up and move out... it's sometimes difficult and sad, but also exciting. A new relationship dynamic occurs. So I'm going to do my best to look at it like that. When a friend tells me they're stressed about something in their life (that they have every reason to stress about), I will let go, smile and comfort.... from a distance. It's not for lack of love, it's for self-preservation. At least, until I find a new happy medium :) (P.S - does anyone know what The Church says about martyrdom? Not the "sacrificing yourself for the faith" type, but the "self-inflicting pain" type. Okay, maybe I just answered my own question. Crap.) Really, I make myself laugh sometimes. #dufus (Don't judge; sometimes we just need to hear things out loud) :)
I worked at the restaurant today; my first day shift. It went really well. It wasn't extremely busy, so I got some extra work done. Sweat my ass off. Didn't get to cook, though; there were enough people for that. Then after my shift I stepped outside (in the humidex temps of 35 C) and thought it was "nice" out. Ha, now I know I'm crazy.
I have concerns about my role in the restaurant industry. Or I should say, my health. I hate my body. I'm sorry, but I have to say it. It's so freakin' high maintenance, it makes working in a restaurant challenging. Like, really, really challenging. I go several hours without eating. I'm hypoglycemic! This is not good for a hypoglycemic. While the cooks "forage" (I was also encouraged to do so), it's difficult because I'm on the opposite side of the kitchen where the food is. Sometimes one of the cooks throws food my way, which I'm forever grateful for. But it's frustrating; when my sugar is low I a) lose energy and b) mental focus. The two absolute worst things you want to lose in such a job. So.. I don't know. I've told two key people in the kitchen about my health state and they'll help me when they can. Regardless, I'm a bit down and frustrated by it and haven't yet come up with a solution.
The weekend has been good so far. Last night I went to friend's (friends? what's proper grammar?) for dinner/fire. I wish I could spend more time in the country; I wasn't able to unwind as much as I would have preferred (no fault to them, just need more time in that sort of space). But.. we did have great food (as we always do when we get together). And who can pass up roasting marshmallows?
The lack of rain this summer has been a concern. We're not even getting a break from the heat; it's hot *every* day. I just wish there was rain for the farmers; they're losing so much this year.
Well, I think I'm done rambling. I'm going out shortly to a punk rock concert of various bands. I wanna get out and have some fun tonight. Have a beer, let my hair down.
Party on, dude.
I worked at the restaurant today; my first day shift. It went really well. It wasn't extremely busy, so I got some extra work done. Sweat my ass off. Didn't get to cook, though; there were enough people for that. Then after my shift I stepped outside (in the humidex temps of 35 C) and thought it was "nice" out. Ha, now I know I'm crazy.
I have concerns about my role in the restaurant industry. Or I should say, my health. I hate my body. I'm sorry, but I have to say it. It's so freakin' high maintenance, it makes working in a restaurant challenging. Like, really, really challenging. I go several hours without eating. I'm hypoglycemic! This is not good for a hypoglycemic. While the cooks "forage" (I was also encouraged to do so), it's difficult because I'm on the opposite side of the kitchen where the food is. Sometimes one of the cooks throws food my way, which I'm forever grateful for. But it's frustrating; when my sugar is low I a) lose energy and b) mental focus. The two absolute worst things you want to lose in such a job. So.. I don't know. I've told two key people in the kitchen about my health state and they'll help me when they can. Regardless, I'm a bit down and frustrated by it and haven't yet come up with a solution.
The weekend has been good so far. Last night I went to friend's (friends? what's proper grammar?) for dinner/fire. I wish I could spend more time in the country; I wasn't able to unwind as much as I would have preferred (no fault to them, just need more time in that sort of space). But.. we did have great food (as we always do when we get together). And who can pass up roasting marshmallows?
The lack of rain this summer has been a concern. We're not even getting a break from the heat; it's hot *every* day. I just wish there was rain for the farmers; they're losing so much this year.
Well, I think I'm done rambling. I'm going out shortly to a punk rock concert of various bands. I wanna get out and have some fun tonight. Have a beer, let my hair down.
Party on, dude.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
I AM ANGRY!
*ROAR*
Okay, I'm done.
...bet that got your attention.
Well, it wasn't meant to, so I apologize. I'm just a bit angry today. I could whine about a list of what's gone wrong (and the day started off so well) but it won't help. I'm getting some food in my belly (and wine and chocolate afterwards!) so perhaps that'll help.
I've been taking a personal inventory of my emotions of late (and my typing; why is it so awful today?!). Not necessarily what my emotions are, per se, but when or why they've been occurring. Anger, jealously. I notice I'm getting much more angry at (some) things than I need to. Some things happening are a valid reason resulting in a rise in emotions, but with other things (or people), it's an attempt for control over things I have no control over. I'll never understand why I'm getting angry at say, a friend who is rather stressed over something I see no reason to be stressed for (a major, though for the better life change), or having so much on their plate right now which is overwhelming them. Who am I to say what you get stressed over? See, I hear myself and it sounds ridiculous. I think it's not like seeing my friends stressed over whatever pressing matter pertains to them at the time and wishing I could take that ill-easeness away from them. I want to take their pain away.
So... what, it's okay for me to get stressed about stuff and carry burden, but no one else? That doesn't sound right either (even in a very basic self-care opinion, why is that fair to me?). The funny thing is it does sound right to me and that's what I want to do. I always have, even since I was younger (*especially* as a teen). I always wanted to carry pain so others wouldn't have to. It's innate. Even when my pain and their pain are totally different (different situations, contexts, etc), it doesn't matter. I wanted to suffer more. And it's not meant as a holier-than-thou sort of attitude, it's.. very humble or has its own humility in it's own way. I just wish I could so they don't have to. *shrug*
You might think it sounds like a lot of stress on me. It is, but in a strange way I don't mind it. I don't know how else to explain it all.
Now, if we could just fix world peace, we'd all be good, huh? :) How's that for heavy thoughts on a Tuesday night? I just finished my tea so I think it's time for bed. Tomorrow's another day :)
Okay, I'm done.
...bet that got your attention.
Well, it wasn't meant to, so I apologize. I'm just a bit angry today. I could whine about a list of what's gone wrong (and the day started off so well) but it won't help. I'm getting some food in my belly (and wine and chocolate afterwards!) so perhaps that'll help.
I've been taking a personal inventory of my emotions of late (and my typing; why is it so awful today?!). Not necessarily what my emotions are, per se, but when or why they've been occurring. Anger, jealously. I notice I'm getting much more angry at (some) things than I need to. Some things happening are a valid reason resulting in a rise in emotions, but with other things (or people), it's an attempt for control over things I have no control over. I'll never understand why I'm getting angry at say, a friend who is rather stressed over something I see no reason to be stressed for (a major, though for the better life change), or having so much on their plate right now which is overwhelming them. Who am I to say what you get stressed over? See, I hear myself and it sounds ridiculous. I think it's not like seeing my friends stressed over whatever pressing matter pertains to them at the time and wishing I could take that ill-easeness away from them. I want to take their pain away.
So... what, it's okay for me to get stressed about stuff and carry burden, but no one else? That doesn't sound right either (even in a very basic self-care opinion, why is that fair to me?). The funny thing is it does sound right to me and that's what I want to do. I always have, even since I was younger (*especially* as a teen). I always wanted to carry pain so others wouldn't have to. It's innate. Even when my pain and their pain are totally different (different situations, contexts, etc), it doesn't matter. I wanted to suffer more. And it's not meant as a holier-than-thou sort of attitude, it's.. very humble or has its own humility in it's own way. I just wish I could so they don't have to. *shrug*
You might think it sounds like a lot of stress on me. It is, but in a strange way I don't mind it. I don't know how else to explain it all.
Now, if we could just fix world peace, we'd all be good, huh? :) How's that for heavy thoughts on a Tuesday night? I just finished my tea so I think it's time for bed. Tomorrow's another day :)
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Party Girl
Well, last night was fun. A friend of mine was going to a birthday BBQ and asked if I'd want to come, so we went around 5 and stayed until 9 or 10 or so. I wasn't knowing anyone going in, except for my friend, but while we were sitting out on the patio it occurred to me I'd met met a couple of them before. So we got talking and they'd also thought I was familiar. We just couldn't place where we'd seen each other before! Anyways, my friend and I kicked back a large bottle of wine and I got a bit burnt. Thankfully I put sunscreen on my arms before we left. I got burnt (pink, not painful) on my arms, feet, chest and face. Nothing that's bothering me much today though, thank God. A bit pink in some spots, but not much. It was nice to get out, relax and have a few laughs.
Not much planned for today. Church, then... maybe tidy up at home. Go through my books and decide on something to bake. It seems there's a ton of stuff for me to get caught up on.
Happy Sunday. Hope you're having a great weekend!
P.S - I got no call to be tour guide :( /cryptic
Not much planned for today. Church, then... maybe tidy up at home. Go through my books and decide on something to bake. It seems there's a ton of stuff for me to get caught up on.
Happy Sunday. Hope you're having a great weekend!
P.S - I got no call to be tour guide :( /cryptic
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Musings
A few things on my mind today. I hope I can stay awake enough for you to write about them all :) I'm going to make myself a tea or hot chocolate first....
I picked hot chocolate. Cause... I want chocolate.
Work was pretty good today. No wait, let me back up... last night's dinner. Last night's dinner was fantastic. I mean, simple enough, but yummy. Chickpea mushroom burgers with a side of tomato salad (I just cut up tomatoes, cucumber, tossed in a raspberry vinaigrette and threw in some feta) with a dollop of tahini. And.. I had it without the bun..cause of the whole GF thing. There will be some modifications made; not making many intentional vegetarian dishes, it.. lacked something. Where you would get a fuller flavour from meat (the fat), flavour had to be derived from somewhere else. So I added a few herbs, a bit of olive oil. Still not enough. My (veggie) neighbour suggested oregano. Can do. Also more filler (bread crumbs, which is challenging because I'm trying to keep gluten low or non-existant, so if y'all figure out an ingredient that can act as a binder, then, have at 'er; I'd like to hear it). I took a picture, but it doesn't at all look as good as it tasted.
Right, so this morning. For all the times I complain about work, there are days like today that just make me smile. For instance, the scenery *cough*highlyattractivedoctors*cough*. That is all :)
I went to church tonight for Stations of the Cross and Mass. To my surprise, CZ and her fiance NS showed up. I was a bit fidgety tonight but made it through. When we were sitting there, I had a great (random) memory; a few years ago (I'd say about.. 3-4) there was a time we would all go to Mass and sit together. And I mean, there would be several of us crammed in the pew (crammed! but that was okay cause it was fun like that). And that would be 60 minutes of my week where I wouldn't be happier. Then we would go out for breakfast after (easily taking up a couple tables) and talk and tell stories and laugh. We would learn each other's idiosyncricies with fooooood (I'm looking at you, AR) ;) But now... time has passed... lives have gotten busy... people have or are moving away (for school or marriage or seminaries)... and we grow apart a bit. I don't think it's any representation that we think of each other less, there are just... different priorities. Life happens. These people, from the onset of my time at the church, have accepted me into their group and I have felt forever at home and thankful. Thanks for listening to me reminisce :) You know, I'm thinking we need to have a reunion.
There was an article in the paper about soaring popcorn prices at the theater and how people more and more are smuggling food in (can you blame them?). The price is highly inflated and keeps getting higher. It was an interesting fact to learn that when theaters get a 'loan' of the movie, they're charged anywhere from 80% to 100% (i.e Star Wars) of the movie ticket price. Mind you, that percentage is for say, the first week, and the longer a movie is in theaters, the more that percentage goes down. So.. they have to make their money somewhere. It's understandable why they jack up the prices of everything else. Some people support this of course, and some people don't, choosing to vote with their wallet (by not going or not paying for said items). (Facts compliment of The Globe and Mail).
An old friend of mine I knew 16 years ago got in touch with me a couple weeks ago - from Norway (I have a lot of overseas friends, what can I say?). It's been a good time catching up. We still seem to have a lot in common (more than I had realized) and it's nice to have him around again..
The no-swearing campaign for Lent is going relatively well, a bit to my surprise.
The search for the perfect next-home is on a stand-still. For now.
I was looking on hotels.com for hotel prices in Toronto this weekend for a possible overnight stay, and some of the hotels (and prices) I saw were amazing. The Trump International Hotel & Tower Toronto was listed (for a measly $395 a night). Dude, you have to look at this hotel. I'm not necessarily a materialistic person (even though I enjoy good taste and quality, don't get me wrong) but dang.. I wanna stay here for a night. And for that price, I think they should be including breakfast. Just sayin'. Now, the InterContinental Toronto Yorkville Hotel (also very nice) went from over $400/night down to $169. I'd do that.
Possible second job on the horizon. Please keep prayers coming this way, or cross whatever bodily appendages you can.
Doctors suck. /random
Aaaaaand.. that's all I have today. I'm spent. Hope you have a great weekend! Get out and enjoy the weather!! :)
I picked hot chocolate. Cause... I want chocolate.
Work was pretty good today. No wait, let me back up... last night's dinner. Last night's dinner was fantastic. I mean, simple enough, but yummy. Chickpea mushroom burgers with a side of tomato salad (I just cut up tomatoes, cucumber, tossed in a raspberry vinaigrette and threw in some feta) with a dollop of tahini. And.. I had it without the bun..cause of the whole GF thing. There will be some modifications made; not making many intentional vegetarian dishes, it.. lacked something. Where you would get a fuller flavour from meat (the fat), flavour had to be derived from somewhere else. So I added a few herbs, a bit of olive oil. Still not enough. My (veggie) neighbour suggested oregano. Can do. Also more filler (bread crumbs, which is challenging because I'm trying to keep gluten low or non-existant, so if y'all figure out an ingredient that can act as a binder, then, have at 'er; I'd like to hear it). I took a picture, but it doesn't at all look as good as it tasted.
Right, so this morning. For all the times I complain about work, there are days like today that just make me smile. For instance, the scenery *cough*highlyattractivedoctors*cough*. That is all :)
I went to church tonight for Stations of the Cross and Mass. To my surprise, CZ and her fiance NS showed up. I was a bit fidgety tonight but made it through. When we were sitting there, I had a great (random) memory; a few years ago (I'd say about.. 3-4) there was a time we would all go to Mass and sit together. And I mean, there would be several of us crammed in the pew (crammed! but that was okay cause it was fun like that). And that would be 60 minutes of my week where I wouldn't be happier. Then we would go out for breakfast after (easily taking up a couple tables) and talk and tell stories and laugh. We would learn each other's idiosyncricies with fooooood (I'm looking at you, AR) ;) But now... time has passed... lives have gotten busy... people have or are moving away (for school or marriage or seminaries)... and we grow apart a bit. I don't think it's any representation that we think of each other less, there are just... different priorities. Life happens. These people, from the onset of my time at the church, have accepted me into their group and I have felt forever at home and thankful. Thanks for listening to me reminisce :) You know, I'm thinking we need to have a reunion.
There was an article in the paper about soaring popcorn prices at the theater and how people more and more are smuggling food in (can you blame them?). The price is highly inflated and keeps getting higher. It was an interesting fact to learn that when theaters get a 'loan' of the movie, they're charged anywhere from 80% to 100% (i.e Star Wars) of the movie ticket price. Mind you, that percentage is for say, the first week, and the longer a movie is in theaters, the more that percentage goes down. So.. they have to make their money somewhere. It's understandable why they jack up the prices of everything else. Some people support this of course, and some people don't, choosing to vote with their wallet (by not going or not paying for said items). (Facts compliment of The Globe and Mail).
An old friend of mine I knew 16 years ago got in touch with me a couple weeks ago - from Norway (I have a lot of overseas friends, what can I say?). It's been a good time catching up. We still seem to have a lot in common (more than I had realized) and it's nice to have him around again..
The no-swearing campaign for Lent is going relatively well, a bit to my surprise.
The search for the perfect next-home is on a stand-still. For now.
I was looking on hotels.com for hotel prices in Toronto this weekend for a possible overnight stay, and some of the hotels (and prices) I saw were amazing. The Trump International Hotel & Tower Toronto was listed (for a measly $395 a night). Dude, you have to look at this hotel. I'm not necessarily a materialistic person (even though I enjoy good taste and quality, don't get me wrong) but dang.. I wanna stay here for a night. And for that price, I think they should be including breakfast. Just sayin'. Now, the InterContinental Toronto Yorkville Hotel (also very nice) went from over $400/night down to $169. I'd do that.
Possible second job on the horizon. Please keep prayers coming this way, or cross whatever bodily appendages you can.
Doctors suck. /random
Aaaaaand.. that's all I have today. I'm spent. Hope you have a great weekend! Get out and enjoy the weather!! :)
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
I'm Baaaaack...
Well, I'd originally sat down to write but I got caught up in Pinterest and, well, 45 min later.. here I am. Gah, it's such a fabulous time-waster. So. Many. Pretty. Things. I was pinning all things steampunk (which finally gives a name to a secret fetish I've had for all things of said decor, jewelry, art, artifacts, etc). Victorian meets future, meets sci-fi, meets industrial, meets western; how awesome is that? No, my question to you should be, how can you NOT like it?
Gah! I just got sidetracked again! Another 15 minutes lost. Good heavens. My coffee's gone, I haven't even had breakfast yet, my back and butt are sore from sitting here... and I haven't even started to write what I wanted to write to you about, yet!! *takes you by the shoulders and shakes you* THE STEAMPUNK OBSESSION MUST STOP!! Okay, maybe not stop, but put on a brief pause.
... *pauses* ... *makes pancakes in honour of Pancake Tuesday*...
.. *comes back to answer email, gets sidetracked AGAIN*... *forces self back to kitchen*...
I had some pancakes. I got up to get something and this happened...
He totally took over my chair! Silly Babu.
So.. today is Shrove/Pancake Tuesday; the Tuesday proceeding Ash Wednesday, the mark on the calendar when Christians begin to acknowledge Jesus' death (who rises on Easter as Christ) and the beginning of Lent. I'd been thinking and thinking of what I want to give up for Lent this year and having a difficult time of it. I'm giving up my usual 'no swearing' crusade (a feat often attempted but never successful), but I always give up something else in addition to that. But.. this morning I felt different, thanks to a conversation from a friend last night (thanks MK). Something occurred to me. You know what? No. Hell no. I've suffered enough the past year, thankyouverymuch, and I'm not going to do anymore than I need to for the next little while. So you know what? I'm going to take the alternative; I'm going to add something. Thing is, I'm not quite sure what yet. Prayer (meal time? bedtime? morning?)? Volunteering of time? No, I'm not ready to expend that energy yet. Maybe there are other sorts of forms of charity; RM, you're good with this, what do you suggest? I'll take suggestions from anyone. Maybe something food-related. If it keeps me in the kitchen, I'm happy; it's good therapy for me. Maybe baking for friends, based on their food preferences/wishes/health issues. Hmm.. that's not a bad idea. I just baked up my third batch of GF brownies and people are amazed; I've proven (well, thanks to the author) that GF doesn't have to be boring and I LOVE this. Okay - so if you would like baked-goods (or non-baked goods.. could be meals), sign up below. I will deliver! (if you're local, post mail if you're not.) Okay, so I've picked up an act of charity for Lent. There you go.
I've been learning more Italian on the side. It's going very well. I'm learning basic words pertaining to what I can use at work/in a restaurant (plate, dish, glass, cutlery, etc, etc) and shocker - I'm retaining them! Mostly.
I'm reading Carl Jung's essay (in small book form) on Synchronicity. It's fantastic. I hope to give excerpts on it later.
I'm feeling a bit better today. A bit lighter. A little bit... released. That's what happens when you finally shed 160lbs. /cryptic
*looks out the window* Dude, where'd this snow come from? This is a funny winter.
Alright, I gotta have some attempt at lunch and get to an appointment. Hope y'all are having a good day.
Gah! I just got sidetracked again! Another 15 minutes lost. Good heavens. My coffee's gone, I haven't even had breakfast yet, my back and butt are sore from sitting here... and I haven't even started to write what I wanted to write to you about, yet!! *takes you by the shoulders and shakes you* THE STEAMPUNK OBSESSION MUST STOP!! Okay, maybe not stop, but put on a brief pause.
... *pauses* ... *makes pancakes in honour of Pancake Tuesday*...
.. *comes back to answer email, gets sidetracked AGAIN*... *forces self back to kitchen*...
I had some pancakes. I got up to get something and this happened...
He totally took over my chair! Silly Babu.
So.. today is Shrove/Pancake Tuesday; the Tuesday proceeding Ash Wednesday, the mark on the calendar when Christians begin to acknowledge Jesus' death (who rises on Easter as Christ) and the beginning of Lent. I'd been thinking and thinking of what I want to give up for Lent this year and having a difficult time of it. I'm giving up my usual 'no swearing' crusade (a feat often attempted but never successful), but I always give up something else in addition to that. But.. this morning I felt different, thanks to a conversation from a friend last night (thanks MK). Something occurred to me. You know what? No. Hell no. I've suffered enough the past year, thankyouverymuch, and I'm not going to do anymore than I need to for the next little while. So you know what? I'm going to take the alternative; I'm going to add something. Thing is, I'm not quite sure what yet. Prayer (meal time? bedtime? morning?)? Volunteering of time? No, I'm not ready to expend that energy yet. Maybe there are other sorts of forms of charity; RM, you're good with this, what do you suggest? I'll take suggestions from anyone. Maybe something food-related. If it keeps me in the kitchen, I'm happy; it's good therapy for me. Maybe baking for friends, based on their food preferences/wishes/health issues. Hmm.. that's not a bad idea. I just baked up my third batch of GF brownies and people are amazed; I've proven (well, thanks to the author) that GF doesn't have to be boring and I LOVE this. Okay - so if you would like baked-goods (or non-baked goods.. could be meals), sign up below. I will deliver! (if you're local, post mail if you're not.) Okay, so I've picked up an act of charity for Lent. There you go.
I've been learning more Italian on the side. It's going very well. I'm learning basic words pertaining to what I can use at work/in a restaurant (plate, dish, glass, cutlery, etc, etc) and shocker - I'm retaining them! Mostly.
I'm reading Carl Jung's essay (in small book form) on Synchronicity. It's fantastic. I hope to give excerpts on it later.
I'm feeling a bit better today. A bit lighter. A little bit... released. That's what happens when you finally shed 160lbs. /cryptic
*looks out the window* Dude, where'd this snow come from? This is a funny winter.
Alright, I gotta have some attempt at lunch and get to an appointment. Hope y'all are having a good day.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Healing
So, it was a most excellent weekend spent with friends and family :)
Saturday I was able to whip up a batch of Shortbread Chocolate Chip Cookies (melt in your mouth) and had a friend over in the evening for dinner and a bit of football watching. Sunday I was Mass and breakfast and headed home to meet a friend at the pub quickly to pick up a stained glass piece she did for me, then I had to get home 'cause my sister was coming to pick me up to see the new baby. He's so adorable. So... we spent time in the hospital with baby and the new parents (I got to hog him and hold him for what seemed like forever... and Ienjoyedeveryminuteofit). Oh look - there's that healing circle I was talking about :) We rallied and sat around the bed and talked, shared birthing stories. Then the new parents rested while the rest of us held down the fort/took care of baby/answered phones/took care of carpooling other's kids to-and-from, etc. I myself, came away grounded after visiting the family.
Today I'm doing my own sort of healing (with food!) and cooking a stew in the oven; it takes 4 hours. I think about how we (past and present) rally around in the kitchen for meals; the kitchen, when used, is the warmest part of the house (in winter). Unfortunately, Babu doesn't share in my desire to 'share stories over the cutting board'; he just gets greedy and comes to pick up potato peelings :)
I'm going to go spend more time in the kitchen; it's the most enjoyable place for me to be right now. I've got veggies to chop up for snacking and a chickpea salad to make for lunches. Stay warm and attempt to stay stress-free the week before Christmas. Spend time with who makes you happy. Don't lose the art of story-telling; share your stories and reconnect with those close to you.
Saturday I was able to whip up a batch of Shortbread Chocolate Chip Cookies (melt in your mouth) and had a friend over in the evening for dinner and a bit of football watching. Sunday I was Mass and breakfast and headed home to meet a friend at the pub quickly to pick up a stained glass piece she did for me, then I had to get home 'cause my sister was coming to pick me up to see the new baby. He's so adorable. So... we spent time in the hospital with baby and the new parents (I got to hog him and hold him for what seemed like forever... and Ienjoyedeveryminuteofit). Oh look - there's that healing circle I was talking about :) We rallied and sat around the bed and talked, shared birthing stories. Then the new parents rested while the rest of us held down the fort/took care of baby/answered phones/took care of carpooling other's kids to-and-from, etc. I myself, came away grounded after visiting the family.
Today I'm doing my own sort of healing (with food!) and cooking a stew in the oven; it takes 4 hours. I think about how we (past and present) rally around in the kitchen for meals; the kitchen, when used, is the warmest part of the house (in winter). Unfortunately, Babu doesn't share in my desire to 'share stories over the cutting board'; he just gets greedy and comes to pick up potato peelings :)
I'm going to go spend more time in the kitchen; it's the most enjoyable place for me to be right now. I've got veggies to chop up for snacking and a chickpea salad to make for lunches. Stay warm and attempt to stay stress-free the week before Christmas. Spend time with who makes you happy. Don't lose the art of story-telling; share your stories and reconnect with those close to you.
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