Wednesday, July 11, 2012



Okay, I'm done. that got your attention.

Well, it wasn't meant to, so I apologize.  I'm just a bit angry today.  I could whine about a list of what's gone wrong (and the day started off so well) but it won't help.  I'm getting some food in my belly (and wine and chocolate afterwards!) so perhaps that'll help.

I've been taking a personal inventory of my emotions of late (and my typing; why is it so awful today?!).  Not necessarily what my emotions are, per se, but when or why they've been occurring.  Anger, jealously.  I notice I'm getting much more angry at (some) things than I need to.  Some things happening are a valid reason resulting in a rise in emotions, but with other things (or people), it's an attempt for control over things I have no control over.  I'll never understand why I'm getting angry at say, a friend who is rather stressed over something I see no reason to be stressed for (a major, though for the better life change), or having so much on their plate right now which is overwhelming them.  Who am I to say what you get stressed over?  See, I hear myself and it sounds ridiculous.  I think it's not like seeing my friends stressed over whatever pressing matter pertains to them at the time and wishing I could take that ill-easeness away from them.  I want to take their pain away.

So... what, it's okay for me to get stressed about stuff and carry burden, but no one else?  That doesn't sound right either (even in a very basic self-care opinion, why is that fair to me?).  The funny thing is it does sound right to me and that's what I want to do.  I always have, even since I was younger (*especially* as a teen).  I always wanted to carry pain so others wouldn't have to.  It's innate.  Even when my pain and their pain are totally different (different situations, contexts, etc), it doesn't matter.  I wanted to suffer more.  And it's not meant as a holier-than-thou sort of attitude, it's.. very humble or has its own humility in it's own way.  I just wish I could so they don't have to.  *shrug*

You might think it sounds like a lot of stress on me.  It is, but in a strange way I don't mind it.  I don't know how else to explain it all.

Now, if we could just fix world peace, we'd all be good, huh? :)  How's that for heavy thoughts on a Tuesday night?  I just finished my tea so I think it's time for bed.  Tomorrow's another day :)

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