Sunday, July 15, 2012

Not Angry Anymore...and Ramble

So... I did some self-work and dove into why I am so bent on being a martyr.  Lord knows it's not healthy, for me or the other person.  I don't have an answer why (other than hypothesizing it relates to lack of control of things in my own life, though I don't think this is the entire reason) but I was able to detach from it.  I realized I've taken on a mother/nurturing role with, in essence some ways, the entire world (or so I said it felt like I had the world on my shoulders).  Having said that, I wasn't able to detach 'nurturing' from 'martyr'.  In my head, they were the same thing.  It's what I've been doing for 20-25 years and like I said, it's innate.  But it doesn't mean it was right.  So, I was able after a while to detach the two after a while and notice the difference.  When I let go of being this.. martyr.. I mourned the loss of this thing I was so attached to.  It was easy (I think because it was the right time), but painful.  I was sad.  Let me use a metaphor (I do like using metaphors, don't I?); when a mother 'loses' their child to adulthood, when they grow up and move out... it's sometimes difficult and sad, but also exciting.  A new relationship dynamic occurs.  So I'm going to do my best to look at it like that.  When a friend tells me they're stressed about something in their life (that they have every reason to stress about), I will let go, smile and comfort.... from a distance.  It's not for lack of love, it's for self-preservation.  At least, until I find a new happy medium :)  (P.S - does anyone know what The Church says about martyrdom?  Not the "sacrificing yourself for the faith" type, but the "self-inflicting pain" type.  Okay, maybe I just answered my own question.  Crap.)  Really, I make myself laugh sometimes. #dufus  (Don't judge; sometimes we just need to hear things out loud)  :)

I worked at the restaurant today; my first day shift.  It went really well.  It wasn't extremely busy, so I got some extra work done. Sweat my ass off.  Didn't get to cook, though; there were enough people for that.  Then after my shift I stepped outside (in the humidex temps of 35 C) and thought it was "nice" out.  Ha, now I know I'm crazy.

I have concerns about my role in the restaurant industry.  Or I should say, my health.  I hate my body.  I'm sorry, but I have to say it.  It's so freakin' high maintenance, it makes working in a restaurant challenging.  Like, really, really challenging.  I go several hours without eating.  I'm hypoglycemic!  This is not good for a hypoglycemic.  While the cooks "forage" (I was also encouraged to do so), it's difficult because I'm on the opposite side of the kitchen where the food is.  Sometimes one of the cooks throws food my way, which I'm forever grateful for.  But it's frustrating; when my sugar is low I a) lose energy and b) mental focus.  The two absolute worst things you want to lose in such a job.  So.. I don't know.  I've told two key people in the kitchen about my health state and they'll help me when they can.  Regardless, I'm a bit down and frustrated by it and haven't yet come up with a solution.

The weekend has been good so far.  Last night I went to friend's (friends? what's proper grammar?) for dinner/fire.  I wish I could spend more time in the country; I wasn't able to unwind as much as I would have preferred (no fault to them, just need more time in that sort of space).  But.. we did have great food (as we always do when we get together).  And who can pass up roasting marshmallows?

The lack of rain this summer has been a concern.  We're not even getting a break from the heat; it's hot *every* day.  I just wish there was rain for the farmers; they're losing so much this year.

Well, I think I'm done rambling.  I'm going out shortly to a punk rock concert of various bands.  I wanna get out and have some fun tonight.  Have a beer, let my hair down.

Party on, dude.

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