Last time I wrote it was about my dilemma about being sick, the long days, etc. I had to make a decision; return to work and stick it out, or leave and look for other avenues. I don't call it 'quitting' (that sounds so harsh, and I have not at all quit with what I want to do) but I do call it as I see it - not a great fit.
It wasn't an easy decision to make. I agonized over it. For days. In tears. You have no idea. But some of the hardest decisions we make with such anguish are great learning opportunities. And I don't just think for yourself, but for those on the other side, too. Your decision affects other people, even if you don't always see it. I'm sure there's a ripple effect that goes on. When I was making this decision, it felt like this: I might have felt 80-90% happy to work there, but there was that 10-20% of me that didn't like it on certain terms. While the 20% might have been 'smaller', it felt much heavier, and I can't explain why. One of those, you know there's a reason, you just can't put it into words.
I didn't return. At the end of the day, I didn't feel comfortable waiting for public transportation (bus and train) for over an hour and having it take me 2 hours to get home. If a shift was 12 hours, I would be having a 16 hr day with transportation. I would also be waiting for said transit late at night alone, and that didn't make me feel great either. I have been in touch with the chef since and he's been pulling 14-15 hour days. No thanks. I'm not at all sorry I left. I could leave certain criticisms, but it's not my business so I'll keep them to myself. I'm sad about it, don't get me wrong. We just have different values. They didn't mesh.
It was viewed by my former boss that I was 'giving up'. I believe this was the industry speaking, not her. She's very intelligent and likes to ask the right questions and challenge people. But I told you how it was, the industry is very unforgiving. But that doesn't mean that it's *all* cookie-cutter. There will be that one place that doesn't hold the same values or opinions of said industry and they'll be different. That's why it'll be a good fit, cause I'm different, too.
With my time off I've kept up certain momentum with my business. I've found someone who will help me create a website (yay!) in exchange for some baking (colour me grateful) and I've found the perfect box to ship my brownies. I'm writing content for the webpage and looking at other ideas for packaging to make it more presentable. It's really fun, getting to pick a team you want to work with and cultivating a product from beginning to end.
Otherwise I'm back in the jobbank pool. Slightly depressing, but I'm trying not to lose hope. I'm confident there's a better fit out there with better conditions. Think positive!
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Sunday, September 20, 2015
Conflicting Values
I write to you troubled today, dear reader. I have been brought to the ultimate juxtaposition in my current life (stage).
It's proving very quickly that my body is not ready for this job. More specifically, my body and current health status are not ready for 11-hour days (which turn into 13(!) with commute). Aside from my current health issues, I'm just recuperating being off work sick for a week. I had a cold from hell and some sleepless nights (admittedly, due partly to anxiety). The last shift I worked before falling ill (overnight) was 11 hours. That did me in. My body was trying to tell me something (and has been since, in other ways!).
I said I'll be able to return Wednesday this week. I was warned they will be long days, at 10-12 hours each. Maybe they can let me keep 9 hour shifts. Maybe I can start off slow and ease into it until I'm used to everything.
The problem is... in the food industry, this isn't acceptable. The food industry has a pretty big macho, "Suck it up or get out" mentality. There's no half-assed. There's no doing things only half way. There's little to no "meeting in the middle".
This isn't the only industry who has mandatory long days. Healthcare is another prime example. Nurses work 12 hours and doctors even longer. It's ironic that positions in the health industry aren't condusive to good health, but I digress. I don't think it's healthy to demand so much of ourselves while we're serving others. Long shifts don't benefit anyone; you get tired and mistakes are made. I realize these are my values and not the industry's. How do we find time for ourselves (also important for personal health and well-being) and our family? Why are we making it okay to just get up, go to work, come home and eat and go to bed - day after day? How does someone with chronic health issues work in an industry they enjoy that otherwise wants to shut them out?
So... how does one work in an industry they enjoy when it clashes with one of their values? Such a big question with a seemingly impossible answer. But there has to be a way. I'm too stubborn to admit otherwise. I've always wanted to bake and I've always wanted to make a difference in the world with my baking - but I've never had the answer how. Maybe it's not the baking itself, but the path. Maybe I'm keeping my thinking too narrow.
I don't know. And I don't know if there's ever an answer for what I'm asking. I always want to jump 10 steps ahead; I know what I want in the end, but I never know how to get there. My creativity falls short along the way and then I lose momentum and it's gone.
Aaaaand..I'm losing battery on my laptop. I take that as a queue for dinner time.
I don't know if my rambling has made any sense. Maybe someone identifies with it (in which case, that'll be a miracle). Otherwise, I'll see you on the flip side :)
Happy Sunday!
It's proving very quickly that my body is not ready for this job. More specifically, my body and current health status are not ready for 11-hour days (which turn into 13(!) with commute). Aside from my current health issues, I'm just recuperating being off work sick for a week. I had a cold from hell and some sleepless nights (admittedly, due partly to anxiety). The last shift I worked before falling ill (overnight) was 11 hours. That did me in. My body was trying to tell me something (and has been since, in other ways!).
I said I'll be able to return Wednesday this week. I was warned they will be long days, at 10-12 hours each. Maybe they can let me keep 9 hour shifts. Maybe I can start off slow and ease into it until I'm used to everything.
The problem is... in the food industry, this isn't acceptable. The food industry has a pretty big macho, "Suck it up or get out" mentality. There's no half-assed. There's no doing things only half way. There's little to no "meeting in the middle".
This isn't the only industry who has mandatory long days. Healthcare is another prime example. Nurses work 12 hours and doctors even longer. It's ironic that positions in the health industry aren't condusive to good health, but I digress. I don't think it's healthy to demand so much of ourselves while we're serving others. Long shifts don't benefit anyone; you get tired and mistakes are made. I realize these are my values and not the industry's. How do we find time for ourselves (also important for personal health and well-being) and our family? Why are we making it okay to just get up, go to work, come home and eat and go to bed - day after day? How does someone with chronic health issues work in an industry they enjoy that otherwise wants to shut them out?
So... how does one work in an industry they enjoy when it clashes with one of their values? Such a big question with a seemingly impossible answer. But there has to be a way. I'm too stubborn to admit otherwise. I've always wanted to bake and I've always wanted to make a difference in the world with my baking - but I've never had the answer how. Maybe it's not the baking itself, but the path. Maybe I'm keeping my thinking too narrow.
I don't know. And I don't know if there's ever an answer for what I'm asking. I always want to jump 10 steps ahead; I know what I want in the end, but I never know how to get there. My creativity falls short along the way and then I lose momentum and it's gone.
Aaaaand..I'm losing battery on my laptop. I take that as a queue for dinner time.
I don't know if my rambling has made any sense. Maybe someone identifies with it (in which case, that'll be a miracle). Otherwise, I'll see you on the flip side :)
Happy Sunday!
Monday, February 2, 2015
The Social Media Devil - A Vent
Preface: It's 'wordy' and long, I apologize in advance. Had a hard time articulating myself.
Still, I took it upon myself to comment on a thread the other day in one of my groups. Someone asked me to expand on why I thought what I did (it was about food and nutritional content of said food, what's best to consume, etc) and when I gave it today I was accused by a supposed friend for 'telling people what to do' and 'turning my nose down in judgement about their choices'. I was flabergasted. And upset. It was the straw that broke the camels back.
One thing about me that not many people know is that I don't like it when people assume anything of me. It's a trigger. This was a classic example and it felt like an attack for no reason. It was assumed the way I came across that I was telling someone how they should eat, when if they a) knew me and b) were the friend they were supposed to be and have my back, understood that I was suggesting eating based on a nutritional point of view. What anyone does with that info is up to them. After that I excused myself from the conversation as I was not being understood (and instead was being accused). I shut off notifications for the post. I went back to check the thread anyways (because I'm a glutton for punishment) and they commented that it was "no big deal".. but no... because you called me out on shit in front of 50 people.. apparently it was. Thing is, I went to the original poster/question and I didn't offend her at all, so it was just that one person's opinion.
I got upset. A lot. Yesterday I came to the realization that I have nothing in common with any friend I have here because they're rather too busy to get together (due to work or families) or have babies (this accounts for most), or age differences, so when I take a hit from a friend and it feels like they're dropping like flies (because believe me, if they're going to act like this, I don't want to have anything to do with them), I feel it. I find myself thinking about Canada a lot. Today.. just made it all come together. I thought who I thought would have my back doesn't and.. my whole world came crashing down. I miss my friends. I miss the balance I had. Now? No balance. My one reason for being here has been validated a long time ago and I'm left with teetering scales; I have W. on one side and it's empty on the other. I don't know how to handle the imbalance anymore, or how to differently look at the situation.
It's not without trying. I've tried approaching a couple of businesses in town about volunteer positions and they won't take me (I need to try to stay in town to keep travel expenses to a minimum). Short of waiting for a job, I don't know what else to do... but something has to change.
I'm living in a world where I realize nothing is permanent. People who I could have sworn on my grandmother's grave that I would be friends with for life, aren't. Boyfriends and fiancés who I thought I'd be with for life, aren't. Knowledge I thought I would always have in my head, I forget. Health I thought I would have, has declined. Maybe this is a realization you have when you get older. Maybe it's just me. The only thing I can think of to do with this - is not take anything for granted. I'm not with W. because I think we're meant to be together. No; I'm consciously choosing to be with him and love him every day. And every day after that. And every day after that. Everything else? I try not to. I really consciously try not to.
The thing I struggled with most today was finding something to be grateful for. Every day I can tell you something I'm grateful for, but when I'm this upset and this.. desolate.. it's difficult. I don't want to look for anything! I'm angry! The thing is, to find something you're grateful for in a situation that feels shitty and has crumpled around you.. that is the time for the most opportunity for growth. But do you wanna know a secret? I'm tired. I've worked so hard to get where I am and maintain some sort of sanity that.. I'm tired. I'm tired of personal growth. I'm tired of having to adjust to circumstances around me. I said to W. tonight that I wish I was the type that could give up.
"So where are you?" (in my head) he asks and I said, "I don't know." I'm stewing. I'm fixed in a cycle and the machine needs to be kicked to get back into gear. I'm trying to step back from the situation and look at it from the outside but it's hard.
That's what's on my mind today. I'm going to head to bed and call it a day. Thanks for listening to my babble, as always :) Happy Monday!
Friday, September 19, 2014
I Continue to Find Myself
A hundred things to do and all I want to do is (feel overwhelmed not being able to pick one and) procrastinate and blog. I'm feeling quite hungry so I've grabbed leftovers of a salad in the fridge until I can decide what to make for a real lunch. I have a craving for mac 'n cheese, but I don't think we have the necessary ingredients for me to make it.
I've been quiet for the past month because I've been working out a lot in my head. Almost a month back I'd had a bad day. Like, a really bad day. I'd become so homesick, I'd felt this bottomless black pit of a swirling hole inside me that was no longer filled. I wanted nothing but to go back. I felt trapped. I felt alone. I fell into a deep depression (uncrontrollable crying, not eating, oversleeping, no talking, etc) for 24hrs. I'd left my family (read: my friends are my family). How could I leave my family? I felt the pangs of separation like I was that 12-year old girl away at (2 week-long) camp for the first time. The inconsolable pangs of questioning if you did the right thing, how to fix it and how to make the pain go away (read: get home as soon as possible). Even in my darkest hour I know I've done the right thing, that was no question, but I also knew there was no taking the pain away. I'd just have to ride it out. I knew my friends were my family and I knew I relied on them a lot, but it only occurred to me now how much. I'd been grateful enough to receive care packages from a couple friends when closer to when I first arrived and I'd wanted nothing more at this time, yet I had problems asking for it. I'd wanted that tangible...something.. that helped me feel connected to a place I'd left behind. I didn't want to put anyone out and I guess I knew it was a temporary 'feeling' and as soon as it would pass, that 'tangible something' would arrive beyond my difficulties. Funny thinking, that. As if I could appreciate something like that any less.
I didn't discuss it with any of my Canadian friends, by choice. It was part of letting go and the growth process. I know I could have, and I know I would have been loved and consoled. But this was also an opportunity for my "new" family to prove themselves (for lack of better terms), or to show me what place they will take in my life, just like everyone had a place in my life in Canada. I'm not trying to say this in a haughty way. I'm not trying to replace you at all, but in such circumstances, one needs to find ways on creating a new life in an effort to fill the void. W. talked with me about it a lot. I was able to voice what I'd discovered about myself, my parents (original and newly adopted), my past. I got to see some things in a new light. It was a dark hole, but it was fueled with a higher light and higher purpose.
"Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it."
~ Terry Pratchett
As predicted, I've come out of it okay. Even further ahead. Anytime you learn something about yourself it's a bonus, I say.
This was all happening while I was anxious to make that certain trip I'd talked about in my last post. In fact, I wanted to make the trip even more at this point because of the above. It's no secret anymore because it didn't happen. I was supposed to get my tax money from the CRA, except they didn't finish it in time (and why they hadn't I'll never understand; it's not high tax season, the bastards). With that money, I was going to go to London, UK. One of my friends from Canada was travelling over and I wanted dearly to meet up with her. A real life hug from a Canadian friend.. how joyous that would have been. I also have an internet friend there and would have met up with her as well. It wasn't meant to be, unfortunately, so I was a bit sad over that. (The money still hasn't come through, btw.) :<
There are other things I've learned about myself, but this post is heavy already so it'll have to wait. On a lighter note, one of our neighbours who just moved in a month or so ago (a younger couple) had the courtesy to stop by and let us know an FYI that they would be having a party Monday night for her birthday and there would be noise, stuff going on outside, etc. She said we were welcomed to stop by... and I think we will :) We're looking forward to it.
I haven't had a phone for a little while now and ...argh. I mean, I'm living fine without it, but it sure comes in handy when you're out. And for messaging. And instant translating. It's my old (well, 3yr old) Samsung Galaxy SII. Problems with the motherboard we think (after much research and troubleshooting). I took most of the photos off a while ago, thank goodness, but I'm afraid I've lost some contacts now and recent photos. I don't remember what all I put on my card, so it'll be a surprise when I put it in my new phone. My dad's sending me his old 4s when he picks up the 6. It can't come soon enough! :)
It's the weekend! I have singing tomorrow morning. I forget the occasion, but we're singing the Litany of the Saints (Latin version). We're doing a lot of Latin songs tomorrow. We have a version of O Taste and See (I apologize in advance; turn your sound down, quality isn't great and.. you can turn it off after 20 seonds. Really. It doesn't get much better) that I don't care for as much as the one we did at COOL. We have a Marty Haugen song that it true to Marty Haugen form (Soli del Gloria) simple but pleasant :) What other Marty Haugen song have we done? Was it this one? We're also doing Veni Creator Spiritus and while I love singing Gregorian Chants, this one was new for me and a bit awkward to learn in the appointed time, but I'll be trying my best. You have to get the flow and once I get that, it's just a matter of putting words to chant/music. I can't find the Kyrie Eleison we're doing (Rombach), but it's beautiful and one of my favourite.
Well, I've been sitting for a while, so I'm going to get up and moving. Gonna head into town to the grocery store for a couple of last-minute things for dinner. Hope you have a wonderful weekend planned and if you're as fortunate as us - enjoy the weather! The cold will be upon us before long.
Be well :)
I've been quiet for the past month because I've been working out a lot in my head. Almost a month back I'd had a bad day. Like, a really bad day. I'd become so homesick, I'd felt this bottomless black pit of a swirling hole inside me that was no longer filled. I wanted nothing but to go back. I felt trapped. I felt alone. I fell into a deep depression (uncrontrollable crying, not eating, oversleeping, no talking, etc) for 24hrs. I'd left my family (read: my friends are my family). How could I leave my family? I felt the pangs of separation like I was that 12-year old girl away at (2 week-long) camp for the first time. The inconsolable pangs of questioning if you did the right thing, how to fix it and how to make the pain go away (read: get home as soon as possible). Even in my darkest hour I know I've done the right thing, that was no question, but I also knew there was no taking the pain away. I'd just have to ride it out. I knew my friends were my family and I knew I relied on them a lot, but it only occurred to me now how much. I'd been grateful enough to receive care packages from a couple friends when closer to when I first arrived and I'd wanted nothing more at this time, yet I had problems asking for it. I'd wanted that tangible...something.. that helped me feel connected to a place I'd left behind. I didn't want to put anyone out and I guess I knew it was a temporary 'feeling' and as soon as it would pass, that 'tangible something' would arrive beyond my difficulties. Funny thinking, that. As if I could appreciate something like that any less.
I didn't discuss it with any of my Canadian friends, by choice. It was part of letting go and the growth process. I know I could have, and I know I would have been loved and consoled. But this was also an opportunity for my "new" family to prove themselves (for lack of better terms), or to show me what place they will take in my life, just like everyone had a place in my life in Canada. I'm not trying to say this in a haughty way. I'm not trying to replace you at all, but in such circumstances, one needs to find ways on creating a new life in an effort to fill the void. W. talked with me about it a lot. I was able to voice what I'd discovered about myself, my parents (original and newly adopted), my past. I got to see some things in a new light. It was a dark hole, but it was fueled with a higher light and higher purpose.
"Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it."
~ Terry Pratchett
As predicted, I've come out of it okay. Even further ahead. Anytime you learn something about yourself it's a bonus, I say.
This was all happening while I was anxious to make that certain trip I'd talked about in my last post. In fact, I wanted to make the trip even more at this point because of the above. It's no secret anymore because it didn't happen. I was supposed to get my tax money from the CRA, except they didn't finish it in time (and why they hadn't I'll never understand; it's not high tax season, the bastards). With that money, I was going to go to London, UK. One of my friends from Canada was travelling over and I wanted dearly to meet up with her. A real life hug from a Canadian friend.. how joyous that would have been. I also have an internet friend there and would have met up with her as well. It wasn't meant to be, unfortunately, so I was a bit sad over that. (The money still hasn't come through, btw.) :<
There are other things I've learned about myself, but this post is heavy already so it'll have to wait. On a lighter note, one of our neighbours who just moved in a month or so ago (a younger couple) had the courtesy to stop by and let us know an FYI that they would be having a party Monday night for her birthday and there would be noise, stuff going on outside, etc. She said we were welcomed to stop by... and I think we will :) We're looking forward to it.
I haven't had a phone for a little while now and ...argh. I mean, I'm living fine without it, but it sure comes in handy when you're out. And for messaging. And instant translating. It's my old (well, 3yr old) Samsung Galaxy SII. Problems with the motherboard we think (after much research and troubleshooting). I took most of the photos off a while ago, thank goodness, but I'm afraid I've lost some contacts now and recent photos. I don't remember what all I put on my card, so it'll be a surprise when I put it in my new phone. My dad's sending me his old 4s when he picks up the 6. It can't come soon enough! :)
It's the weekend! I have singing tomorrow morning. I forget the occasion, but we're singing the Litany of the Saints (Latin version). We're doing a lot of Latin songs tomorrow. We have a version of O Taste and See (I apologize in advance; turn your sound down, quality isn't great and.. you can turn it off after 20 seonds. Really. It doesn't get much better) that I don't care for as much as the one we did at COOL. We have a Marty Haugen song that it true to Marty Haugen form (Soli del Gloria) simple but pleasant :) What other Marty Haugen song have we done? Was it this one? We're also doing Veni Creator Spiritus and while I love singing Gregorian Chants, this one was new for me and a bit awkward to learn in the appointed time, but I'll be trying my best. You have to get the flow and once I get that, it's just a matter of putting words to chant/music. I can't find the Kyrie Eleison we're doing (Rombach), but it's beautiful and one of my favourite.
Well, I've been sitting for a while, so I'm going to get up and moving. Gonna head into town to the grocery store for a couple of last-minute things for dinner. Hope you have a wonderful weekend planned and if you're as fortunate as us - enjoy the weather! The cold will be upon us before long.
Be well :)
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Medical...Non Interference
Today's post is coming with a bit of a vent. Warning: there might be language. I'm pissed. Also.. this has to do with female issues, so if you're squeamish (not that there will be much detail), move along.
I'm calling it a matter that I'm passionate about because... it's about me and my body. Go figure I would have strong opinions about this. How could I, when the western (Western? Does Western have a capitol at this point?) medical profession usually scuttles me through the system (I think I should type it as, The System. It almost has a body of it's own, doesn't it...) as if I have no voice? Maybe I should duct tape an 'x' over my mouth. That's right; I don't have a voice because you're (the doctor) not fucking listening anyways.
I went to the doc this morning to do a checkup on my Vitamin D levels. Three months ago we found they were exceptionally low and have since been taking supplements (and getting lots of sun, of course). I thought we would do new blood tests to check my current levels, but as soon as I told her I was feeling much better for having done so, it didn't seem to cause her concern. So.. do I keep taking the supplements or don't I? I'm confused about this and received no feedback.
Next, I'd given her a list of symptoms I've been having the past 5 months about my cycle, that in some ways have been getting increasingly worse (including pain). I was given a (very) brief exam (literally, 2 seconds) and I was told the following....
1) "Every woman experiences pain during her cycle"
a) What I heard -> I'm going to dismiss your pain because it sounds normal, regardless of the fact you told me you're doubled over in pain and it feels like / this... / (description held back from the squeamish)
2) Go on the pill. It's the first thing we prescribe.
b) What I heard -> We have learned to medicate everything, so I'm going to do that in this case, too, without asking further questions.
3) ..silence..
c) What I heard -> When you ask me what's causing this pain, I've learned to shake my head and keep in silence because I wouldn't be considered a strong medical professional or person if I told you: I'm sorry, but I really don't know.. because that's our culture and how I've been trained.
Let me be clear; the symtpoms I gave her are *not* normal. I'm getting so sick and tired of how the Western medical system pushes you through not caring about what's causing your dis-ease, and medicating to cover it up so it's not an issue anymore. That cyst or tumor you have? Oh, we'll get around to it. *said issue explodes* I'm sorry, you're dead now because we've become complacent.
Now medical professionals, don't go hatin'. I've worked in health care long enough to know how the system works and I'm *not* discounting the fact that doctors are very intelligent and that some *do* care. We see them for a reason, right? I'm allowed (right now) to bitch as a patient. This is the only body I have, and I have to honour it by keeping it as healthy as I can. I don't feel like the current health care System is fucking listening to me; the very same System that was built to care for me when I feel frail, weak, sick, ill, unwell in any way, or at worse, terminal. So how is it servicing me right now? This is the one System that many people lean on for support and care. When you get 10 minutes with a doctor, how are you supposed to connect? How are they supposed to understand what's going on?*
Now, having said all of that, I do see a Japanese acupuncturist. It's the first time ever (I've been seeing him almost a year now) that I've been seeing someone for alternative care (besides chiropractor). I can't say enough about it. TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine - and yes, I'm quoting 2 different Eastern medicines, but they do treat along the same values) treats the whole person, not just the dis-ease or symptoms. My acupuncturist has gotten to know me, my disposition, personality and my habits (eating, etc). He knows when A is off, it's causing a ripple effect for B to be off or out of balance. So you're thinking, why am I bitching about my doctor to begin with when I can just see my acupuncturist? Because (while not necessary) he can treat me better when there's official diagnosis.
After some pushing with my doctor, she's referring me to a gynaecologist to do an ultrasound. That makes me somewhat happy. I can't say I'll stop pushing for answers after that (if it shows nothing), but it's a start.
I'm just so fucking tired of not being listened to about my symptoms. Don't dismiss what I'm telling you as normal when you know damn well it's not! I just don't get it.. and it upsets me greatly. It makes me very sad.
Anyways, that's my rant for today. I'm curious if you've had similar experiences, or if there are medical professionals, what your opinion or take on this is.
*Disclaimer; I do like my current doctor for the most part and she's nice enough to get to know me a bit and ask questions at the beginning of an app't. I will say that for her. She has also been right about things in the past. Still, her approach to healthcare is representative of the culture they were raised. She's a bit older and I'm not sure if newer younger doctors come with a different approach.
I'm calling it a matter that I'm passionate about because... it's about me and my body. Go figure I would have strong opinions about this. How could I, when the western (Western? Does Western have a capitol at this point?) medical profession usually scuttles me through the system (I think I should type it as, The System. It almost has a body of it's own, doesn't it...) as if I have no voice? Maybe I should duct tape an 'x' over my mouth. That's right; I don't have a voice because you're (the doctor) not fucking listening anyways.
I went to the doc this morning to do a checkup on my Vitamin D levels. Three months ago we found they were exceptionally low and have since been taking supplements (and getting lots of sun, of course). I thought we would do new blood tests to check my current levels, but as soon as I told her I was feeling much better for having done so, it didn't seem to cause her concern. So.. do I keep taking the supplements or don't I? I'm confused about this and received no feedback.
Next, I'd given her a list of symptoms I've been having the past 5 months about my cycle, that in some ways have been getting increasingly worse (including pain). I was given a (very) brief exam (literally, 2 seconds) and I was told the following....
1) "Every woman experiences pain during her cycle"
a) What I heard -> I'm going to dismiss your pain because it sounds normal, regardless of the fact you told me you're doubled over in pain and it feels like / this... / (description held back from the squeamish)
2) Go on the pill. It's the first thing we prescribe.
b) What I heard -> We have learned to medicate everything, so I'm going to do that in this case, too, without asking further questions.
3) ..silence..
c) What I heard -> When you ask me what's causing this pain, I've learned to shake my head and keep in silence because I wouldn't be considered a strong medical professional or person if I told you: I'm sorry, but I really don't know.. because that's our culture and how I've been trained.
Let me be clear; the symtpoms I gave her are *not* normal. I'm getting so sick and tired of how the Western medical system pushes you through not caring about what's causing your dis-ease, and medicating to cover it up so it's not an issue anymore. That cyst or tumor you have? Oh, we'll get around to it. *said issue explodes* I'm sorry, you're dead now because we've become complacent.
Now medical professionals, don't go hatin'. I've worked in health care long enough to know how the system works and I'm *not* discounting the fact that doctors are very intelligent and that some *do* care. We see them for a reason, right? I'm allowed (right now) to bitch as a patient. This is the only body I have, and I have to honour it by keeping it as healthy as I can. I don't feel like the current health care System is fucking listening to me; the very same System that was built to care for me when I feel frail, weak, sick, ill, unwell in any way, or at worse, terminal. So how is it servicing me right now? This is the one System that many people lean on for support and care. When you get 10 minutes with a doctor, how are you supposed to connect? How are they supposed to understand what's going on?*
Now, having said all of that, I do see a Japanese acupuncturist. It's the first time ever (I've been seeing him almost a year now) that I've been seeing someone for alternative care (besides chiropractor). I can't say enough about it. TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine - and yes, I'm quoting 2 different Eastern medicines, but they do treat along the same values) treats the whole person, not just the dis-ease or symptoms. My acupuncturist has gotten to know me, my disposition, personality and my habits (eating, etc). He knows when A is off, it's causing a ripple effect for B to be off or out of balance. So you're thinking, why am I bitching about my doctor to begin with when I can just see my acupuncturist? Because (while not necessary) he can treat me better when there's official diagnosis.
After some pushing with my doctor, she's referring me to a gynaecologist to do an ultrasound. That makes me somewhat happy. I can't say I'll stop pushing for answers after that (if it shows nothing), but it's a start.
I'm just so fucking tired of not being listened to about my symptoms. Don't dismiss what I'm telling you as normal when you know damn well it's not! I just don't get it.. and it upsets me greatly. It makes me very sad.
Anyways, that's my rant for today. I'm curious if you've had similar experiences, or if there are medical professionals, what your opinion or take on this is.
*Disclaimer; I do like my current doctor for the most part and she's nice enough to get to know me a bit and ask questions at the beginning of an app't. I will say that for her. She has also been right about things in the past. Still, her approach to healthcare is representative of the culture they were raised. She's a bit older and I'm not sure if newer younger doctors come with a different approach.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Unemployment Woes
There have been a million things going on and a million more on my mind, so I haven't the time to write as much as I'd like to. I'm going to write about more pressing thoughts today, though. I'm waiting for the rain to pass before I go out (though it seems never-ending lately), so it affords me the time.
I was just looking online for work and I came to a roadblock. Well, what I call a roadblock (so it probably means it's not, really. Read: self-imposed). I was going to forward my resume to this company for a series of jobs they have in hospitality or kitchen help, etc. They asked usual information.. name, address, phone, CV, motivation (what we'd call a cover letter), etc. Then they also want a photo and your date of birth. Right, cause we all remember how well giving my age went last time. And photo? Really? Well, you can see their prorities. Not that I'm saying I feel I necessarily have anything to worry about, but I'm having a rough go as it is, so I don't need reason #563 of why someone won't hire me.
I've been applying for multiple jobs, anything English that I might be remotely qualified for. So far.. nadda. My dilemma is this: I don't want to apply for jobs that I'm over-qualified for, just in effort to get a job. I don't see why I should have to devalue myself, just to get money. And honestly, I've been doing that the last 20-some years I've been working, so I'm kind of tired of it. But you know the caveat with that... higher standards means less of a chance for a job. Which means we go longer without money. So.. what's a girl to do? Do I give them my photo and chance it? Do I take that cleaning job that I *really* don't want? Do I start at the bottom of an organization again?
I'm 38. Starting at the bottom, to me, is not an option... but #firstworldproblems (this is a jab at me) .. many immigrants all over the world take jobs they "don't want" and are very "over-qualified for", just to get an income (I once worked with a man in Toronto who was an engineer in India. A bloody brilliant one, too, but because of country-to-country qualifications, he'd have to take certain tests or something in Canada and they costed a LOT of money, so he wasn't able, so retail it was). So what am I whining about? Suck it up, princess.
Thing is, I'm not ready to yet. I'm not ready to accept less than I think I'm worth. That's quite a perception though, isn't it, and a hella risky one. Yet I continue to have faith something will come up when it's meant to but... how long will that last me? I have and feel an obligation to provide in this household, so when I'm not it feels like stress (almost more than everything I've just written).
To top it off, there have been external events the past few days that have caused even more stress and things are a little tense around here. Well, they're improving, but slowly and hesitantly. We're both very, very overwhemed, so I apologize if this feels like a 'heavy' or 'down' sort of post. Just trying to burrow through and make sense of anything else in the meantime. I'm making an active effort not to sink into a depression.
I'd like your feedback; how do you think I should approach jobs? I do not wish for you to comment on my mental state; it is something I won't apologize for and is a by-product of other situations, but any other thoughts are more than welcomed. Do I place value not in myself, but in the job itself.. it is what you make it after all. Or do I uphold my sense of self and sense of value and apply only for these kinds of jobs?
The stupid thing is, I would have had a job months ago if I had computer or engineering qualifications. They need those people like crazy. Quick.. engineering through osmosis. Aaaaand... go!
Be well. We're half way through the week!
I was just looking online for work and I came to a roadblock. Well, what I call a roadblock (so it probably means it's not, really. Read: self-imposed). I was going to forward my resume to this company for a series of jobs they have in hospitality or kitchen help, etc. They asked usual information.. name, address, phone, CV, motivation (what we'd call a cover letter), etc. Then they also want a photo and your date of birth. Right, cause we all remember how well giving my age went last time. And photo? Really? Well, you can see their prorities. Not that I'm saying I feel I necessarily have anything to worry about, but I'm having a rough go as it is, so I don't need reason #563 of why someone won't hire me.
I've been applying for multiple jobs, anything English that I might be remotely qualified for. So far.. nadda. My dilemma is this: I don't want to apply for jobs that I'm over-qualified for, just in effort to get a job. I don't see why I should have to devalue myself, just to get money. And honestly, I've been doing that the last 20-some years I've been working, so I'm kind of tired of it. But you know the caveat with that... higher standards means less of a chance for a job. Which means we go longer without money. So.. what's a girl to do? Do I give them my photo and chance it? Do I take that cleaning job that I *really* don't want? Do I start at the bottom of an organization again?
I'm 38. Starting at the bottom, to me, is not an option... but #firstworldproblems (this is a jab at me) .. many immigrants all over the world take jobs they "don't want" and are very "over-qualified for", just to get an income (I once worked with a man in Toronto who was an engineer in India. A bloody brilliant one, too, but because of country-to-country qualifications, he'd have to take certain tests or something in Canada and they costed a LOT of money, so he wasn't able, so retail it was). So what am I whining about? Suck it up, princess.
Thing is, I'm not ready to yet. I'm not ready to accept less than I think I'm worth. That's quite a perception though, isn't it, and a hella risky one. Yet I continue to have faith something will come up when it's meant to but... how long will that last me? I have and feel an obligation to provide in this household, so when I'm not it feels like stress (almost more than everything I've just written).
To top it off, there have been external events the past few days that have caused even more stress and things are a little tense around here. Well, they're improving, but slowly and hesitantly. We're both very, very overwhemed, so I apologize if this feels like a 'heavy' or 'down' sort of post. Just trying to burrow through and make sense of anything else in the meantime. I'm making an active effort not to sink into a depression.
I'd like your feedback; how do you think I should approach jobs? I do not wish for you to comment on my mental state; it is something I won't apologize for and is a by-product of other situations, but any other thoughts are more than welcomed. Do I place value not in myself, but in the job itself.. it is what you make it after all. Or do I uphold my sense of self and sense of value and apply only for these kinds of jobs?
The stupid thing is, I would have had a job months ago if I had computer or engineering qualifications. They need those people like crazy. Quick.. engineering through osmosis. Aaaaand... go!
Be well. We're half way through the week!
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Change of Course
I originally started writing this post yesterday or the day before and my emotions were at a bit of a low. They've improved slightly so I am better to write today than before.
The past couple days has seen me change my priorities and course in life. I was testing a recipe late last week and it didn't turn out (end product appearance wise, not taste-wise) and I kind of lost it. The only thing I could worry about was how much money I was 'wasting' every time something didn't turn out. Long story short... we don't have the funds right now for me to start a business and all it involves, so I will be actively looking for a job. Speaking of which, I applied for a super one over the weekend that would be a perfect fit, so I'll ask for your prayers and positive thoughts, please!! :) The job closed yesterday, so we'll see after that.
I'm sad with this change, though. I feel as if I'm leaving yet another dream behind. It scares me. I don't want to get lost in another dead-end job, just trying to get by, trying to figure myself and life out, hoping to make enough money to make ends meet (well really, anything would be more than I'm making now) and just clocking enough time until retirement. I'm scared I'll never come back to it again. Perhaps if that's what's meant to be, I should accept it. Will I ever stop baking? No. I love it too much. Will I still test recipes to use for sale? Definitely... but when I'm ready and don't feel the stress of "if it doesn't work out, there's another x-€ down the drain". Yes, I know every time I bake it's a learning experience.. blah blah blah.. but it doesn't take away what was bothering me at the core. Since I've changed my thinking I feel a lot lighter and I have more headspace now for other things that have been also a priority (language, finding a job, etc), so it was the right decision. We're making other cost-cutting ideas and putting them into place, one of which is me holding my membership at the gym. That also made me sad because I am afraid I might not see my friend as often (we meet twice a week), but we share the same concern so I think we'll schedule time together outside of that. It will also force me to channel my efforts elsewhere to fill the need to be social. There is an organization I've been meaning to get in contact with for volunteering, so hopefully that will turn out.
W. has a birthday coming up on the 20th. I believe he shares a birthday with our friend W.W ;) I have an idea what I might get him, but I'm not sure what to bake for him. Wait.. I think I have an idea. *drums fingers together evily*
Everything else is fine. The weather today is dreary, raining off and on. Spring and summer - a state of perpetual hair frizziness. #welcometotheNetherlands
The 4th saw Dodenherdenking (or Remembrance Day) and the 5th saw us with Bevrijdingsdag (or Liberation Day). We went to a big party in a biiiiiiig park (think the entire square footage of Guelph University campus) where there were multiple music acts and stuff going on. I took a couple pics and can try to post sometime. The crowds were so much we had to leave, I just coudn't do it anymore.
Mother's Day on Sunday and we're heading with W's parents to Kruidhof. It's a botanical garden place (all outdoors, I believe) one town over. I've never been but it seems pretty. If you click the link and scroll down there's a video (you won't understand it but it's nice to watch) and there's a tab at the top to select English, though you don't get the whole site, just a condensed synopsis. I believe if you run a foreign language page through Chrome it'll interpret it for you.
I'm already planning my one-year party - July 4th, except we're going to hold it on Sunday the 6th in the afternoon. I will be sending out an email soon asking people to reserve the date.
Well, I have a lot of language I want to practice today before choir, so I better get moving. Almost the end of the week. Hope it's been good to you!
The past couple days has seen me change my priorities and course in life. I was testing a recipe late last week and it didn't turn out (end product appearance wise, not taste-wise) and I kind of lost it. The only thing I could worry about was how much money I was 'wasting' every time something didn't turn out. Long story short... we don't have the funds right now for me to start a business and all it involves, so I will be actively looking for a job. Speaking of which, I applied for a super one over the weekend that would be a perfect fit, so I'll ask for your prayers and positive thoughts, please!! :) The job closed yesterday, so we'll see after that.
I'm sad with this change, though. I feel as if I'm leaving yet another dream behind. It scares me. I don't want to get lost in another dead-end job, just trying to get by, trying to figure myself and life out, hoping to make enough money to make ends meet (well really, anything would be more than I'm making now) and just clocking enough time until retirement. I'm scared I'll never come back to it again. Perhaps if that's what's meant to be, I should accept it. Will I ever stop baking? No. I love it too much. Will I still test recipes to use for sale? Definitely... but when I'm ready and don't feel the stress of "if it doesn't work out, there's another x-€ down the drain". Yes, I know every time I bake it's a learning experience.. blah blah blah.. but it doesn't take away what was bothering me at the core. Since I've changed my thinking I feel a lot lighter and I have more headspace now for other things that have been also a priority (language, finding a job, etc), so it was the right decision. We're making other cost-cutting ideas and putting them into place, one of which is me holding my membership at the gym. That also made me sad because I am afraid I might not see my friend as often (we meet twice a week), but we share the same concern so I think we'll schedule time together outside of that. It will also force me to channel my efforts elsewhere to fill the need to be social. There is an organization I've been meaning to get in contact with for volunteering, so hopefully that will turn out.
W. has a birthday coming up on the 20th. I believe he shares a birthday with our friend W.W ;) I have an idea what I might get him, but I'm not sure what to bake for him. Wait.. I think I have an idea. *drums fingers together evily*
Everything else is fine. The weather today is dreary, raining off and on. Spring and summer - a state of perpetual hair frizziness. #welcometotheNetherlands
The 4th saw Dodenherdenking (or Remembrance Day) and the 5th saw us with Bevrijdingsdag (or Liberation Day). We went to a big party in a biiiiiiig park (think the entire square footage of Guelph University campus) where there were multiple music acts and stuff going on. I took a couple pics and can try to post sometime. The crowds were so much we had to leave, I just coudn't do it anymore.
Mother's Day on Sunday and we're heading with W's parents to Kruidhof. It's a botanical garden place (all outdoors, I believe) one town over. I've never been but it seems pretty. If you click the link and scroll down there's a video (you won't understand it but it's nice to watch) and there's a tab at the top to select English, though you don't get the whole site, just a condensed synopsis. I believe if you run a foreign language page through Chrome it'll interpret it for you.
I'm already planning my one-year party - July 4th, except we're going to hold it on Sunday the 6th in the afternoon. I will be sending out an email soon asking people to reserve the date.
Well, I have a lot of language I want to practice today before choir, so I better get moving. Almost the end of the week. Hope it's been good to you!
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Thinky Thoughts
I have a few thoughts that have been building up for a while. Or that.. my frustration has built up and I'm about to pop my top. I have all of this... stuff... building up, like un-used energy, and I don't know what to do with it. Let's see what this blog post can do.
An observation I've had of late, is the word 'sorry'. Europeans don't say it as much as we do. Not half as much. That's the one thing I (well, both W. and I, actually) noticed when I first came here, was how often I said 'sorry'. We interject it into sentences or situations so smoothly and stealth-like. I won't go so far as to say it's lost it's meaning. I don't think it has. I just think that we are short of taking ownership of it or our actions and over-using it. (Addendum: when I say 'we' I mean Canadians. Americans use it a lot too, but I don't think as much as us, really.) It came to the point that I would be out and about and maybe accidentally bump into someone at the store. I would say 'sorry', cause that's what we do. But when someone bumps into me, they don't say sorry. I would have a knee-jerk reaction of thinking it was rude of them not to. Okay, perhaps that's a bad example. Or they'll cut ahead of you in an isle. They don't apologize for that, either. I view it as rude, they view it as simply taking their place. They all do it and we both approach it with a completely different mentality. One day a Dutch person said sorry to me and I had to turn around and look at them twice, it was so weird. Now, don't go thinkin' Dutch people are rude. They're not. They're some of the kindest and nicest people I've met. They just.. approach life a little differently.
Funny story; I was writing a recipe for the magazine and at one point I said (translated), "Feel free to add x, y or z to the recipe as other options." W. chuckles and calls me over and he said, "Um, honey.. this part here where you tell people to "feel free"? Yeah, we don't say that. You don't tell people here to 'feel free' to do anything. We were occuppied for 5 years... we just do it." Touche. Fair statement. After a bit of a laugh and feeling alittle lot bad for potentially offending my fellow Dutchies, we removed it :)
So that's a classic example of their mentality, if it helps you at all. I can't say I'd act any differently.
I find myself saying more and more that things are different here. A part of me still expects some things to be the same. Mass, for one, confession for another (these are just a couple examples off the top of my head). I think these little 'changes' or frustrations are piling up and I'm not sure how I'm processing them in my head. Holidays are different. I've already said they don't have the same "whooplah" that we have for holidays back home. Things aren't as commercialized here and maybe advertised a week or two ahead of the occassion (not 2 months). My birthday is this coming Friday and I wanted to celebrate but a) I'm not going to celebrate it on Good Friday and b) this is Easter weekend. Not a lot of people celebrate Easter (at least, not in our circle) but they may be out if the weather is nice. I haven't bothered to ask for people over for a gathering, really, because I can't decide what I want to do or when I want to do it. We also had plans to go away, but since then they have been cancelled. This weekend is so much up in the air, it's making my OCD twitchy. The only plans we have is his parents want to take us out for dinner (celebrating a double birthday; his dad's was Sunday) Saturday night. Mind you, it's at one of my favourite restaurants, so it makes me happy :) I really want to ask myself what I want and what's important to me. Sure, there are a few kitchen gadgets I'd love to have (as I say half-jokingly), but I have everything I want; I'm where I want to be with who I want to be with and with a roof over our head. What more can I ask for? If I was back in Canada I would be having celebrations (multiple dinners, teas, coffees, visits) with the people I cared most about, but things are a lot different here. It's rare to go out for dinner or tea or coffee. If I really want to break it down (and be honest), I think I'm used to the anti-clamatic build up to events, and I'm not getting that here. It's funny how much you notice it when it doesn't happen. It's become so cyclical that it feels like something's missing when it doesn't happen. So then I feel a bit down and dispirited.. and I'm not sure how to process it.
I'm not sure what to do for Easter Sunday. Usually I would make a nice meal for a friend or two or three after a very full (in attendance) and joyful Easter Mass. I would bake something special (Dulce des Tres Leche cake, anyone?). There would be socializing. And now... W. doesn't care 'cause he doesn't celebrate Easter, and if he's not ramped up about something, it's hard for me to get half as excited. All of our inner circle doesn't celebrate Easter, so aside from (both of us) going to Mass, I'm on my own. I have one friend who does celebrate it, but she'll be with her family (and please don't suggest I spend it with them). I just don't know how to move forward right now. I miss making a big deal of things.
Well, this post has taken a downturn. Perhaps I should get up and get something done, move my right hip a bit (have been having problems). The dishes don't do themselves, unfortunately.
I will talk to W. tonight though, and let him know my thoughts. It's so easy to stay in your head about things sometimes that it's easy to pass over the fact that your other half can actually help you get over hurdles. Even if it's just voicing your thoughts, it's nice to have them out in the open and not locked up. It's easy to become independent (or for me, go back to my old ways), when we're really there for the other person to lean on. And you know what, it's been a looooooooong time since I've said a prayer. Perhaps I'll do that in my chores tonight.
Hope your world is treating you well.
An observation I've had of late, is the word 'sorry'. Europeans don't say it as much as we do. Not half as much. That's the one thing I (well, both W. and I, actually) noticed when I first came here, was how often I said 'sorry'. We interject it into sentences or situations so smoothly and stealth-like. I won't go so far as to say it's lost it's meaning. I don't think it has. I just think that we are short of taking ownership of it or our actions and over-using it. (Addendum: when I say 'we' I mean Canadians. Americans use it a lot too, but I don't think as much as us, really.) It came to the point that I would be out and about and maybe accidentally bump into someone at the store. I would say 'sorry', cause that's what we do. But when someone bumps into me, they don't say sorry. I would have a knee-jerk reaction of thinking it was rude of them not to. Okay, perhaps that's a bad example. Or they'll cut ahead of you in an isle. They don't apologize for that, either. I view it as rude, they view it as simply taking their place. They all do it and we both approach it with a completely different mentality. One day a Dutch person said sorry to me and I had to turn around and look at them twice, it was so weird. Now, don't go thinkin' Dutch people are rude. They're not. They're some of the kindest and nicest people I've met. They just.. approach life a little differently.
Funny story; I was writing a recipe for the magazine and at one point I said (translated), "Feel free to add x, y or z to the recipe as other options." W. chuckles and calls me over and he said, "Um, honey.. this part here where you tell people to "feel free"? Yeah, we don't say that. You don't tell people here to 'feel free' to do anything. We were occuppied for 5 years... we just do it." Touche. Fair statement. After a bit of a laugh and feeling a
So that's a classic example of their mentality, if it helps you at all. I can't say I'd act any differently.
I find myself saying more and more that things are different here. A part of me still expects some things to be the same. Mass, for one, confession for another (these are just a couple examples off the top of my head). I think these little 'changes' or frustrations are piling up and I'm not sure how I'm processing them in my head. Holidays are different. I've already said they don't have the same "whooplah" that we have for holidays back home. Things aren't as commercialized here and maybe advertised a week or two ahead of the occassion (not 2 months). My birthday is this coming Friday and I wanted to celebrate but a) I'm not going to celebrate it on Good Friday and b) this is Easter weekend. Not a lot of people celebrate Easter (at least, not in our circle) but they may be out if the weather is nice. I haven't bothered to ask for people over for a gathering, really, because I can't decide what I want to do or when I want to do it. We also had plans to go away, but since then they have been cancelled. This weekend is so much up in the air, it's making my OCD twitchy. The only plans we have is his parents want to take us out for dinner (celebrating a double birthday; his dad's was Sunday) Saturday night. Mind you, it's at one of my favourite restaurants, so it makes me happy :) I really want to ask myself what I want and what's important to me. Sure, there are a few kitchen gadgets I'd love to have (as I say half-jokingly), but I have everything I want; I'm where I want to be with who I want to be with and with a roof over our head. What more can I ask for? If I was back in Canada I would be having celebrations (multiple dinners, teas, coffees, visits) with the people I cared most about, but things are a lot different here. It's rare to go out for dinner or tea or coffee. If I really want to break it down (and be honest), I think I'm used to the anti-clamatic build up to events, and I'm not getting that here. It's funny how much you notice it when it doesn't happen. It's become so cyclical that it feels like something's missing when it doesn't happen. So then I feel a bit down and dispirited.. and I'm not sure how to process it.
I'm not sure what to do for Easter Sunday. Usually I would make a nice meal for a friend or two or three after a very full (in attendance) and joyful Easter Mass. I would bake something special (Dulce des Tres Leche cake, anyone?). There would be socializing. And now... W. doesn't care 'cause he doesn't celebrate Easter, and if he's not ramped up about something, it's hard for me to get half as excited. All of our inner circle doesn't celebrate Easter, so aside from (both of us) going to Mass, I'm on my own. I have one friend who does celebrate it, but she'll be with her family (and please don't suggest I spend it with them). I just don't know how to move forward right now. I miss making a big deal of things.
Well, this post has taken a downturn. Perhaps I should get up and get something done, move my right hip a bit (have been having problems). The dishes don't do themselves, unfortunately.
I will talk to W. tonight though, and let him know my thoughts. It's so easy to stay in your head about things sometimes that it's easy to pass over the fact that your other half can actually help you get over hurdles. Even if it's just voicing your thoughts, it's nice to have them out in the open and not locked up. It's easy to become independent (or for me, go back to my old ways), when we're really there for the other person to lean on. And you know what, it's been a looooooooong time since I've said a prayer. Perhaps I'll do that in my chores tonight.
Hope your world is treating you well.
Friday, February 28, 2014
This Is Not the Movies (long post)
Warning: some language.
Let's be honest, this blog is my therapy. Sure it's nice to write and catch you up on stuff, but it also helps me to talk about things that happen. Like last night. Sooo.... I'm gonna start out with the not so good.
The not so good: I was at choir last night for practice and already for the first song I was a bit overwhelmed. Remember I'm learning new music to new words in a new section (alto). Not only on top of having to pay attention to all of that, I have to *try* to understand what the director is saying (thank goodness for hand gestures). Oh and hey, did I mention the song we were working on changed time like.. 5 times? 3/2, 4/4, 3/4, 5/8 and hey, let's bring it back to 3/2 time again. I almost lost my shit. Okay, so mostly I just listen and word-follow until I get the hang of it. We're on a small break between songs and this old man behind me taps me on the shoulder and starts saying something in Dutch at like, 100 mph. My head kind of spins at that point and I say with a smile, "Woa, sorry sweetheart, you're gonna have to say that in English." "You're going to have to learn Dutch!" he says. I want to burst into tears. Instead, I pull myself together in a micro-second and say pleasantly with a smile, "I am!" He received that well and continued to tell me he could put a 'map' together for me if I'd like (map in Dutch = folder in English). I said that would be wonderful and anything will help.
I was 'off' the rest of the practice. I wanted to walk away, do an ugly cry and sit in that church and ask God why the HELL I'm even here. So I did that, at coffee break (where we practice is a separate room from the nave of the church). I didn't really feel like conversing with anyone else, so The Big Guy and I had a few words. I stood facing the altar. Well, perhaps I was more upset and angry and maybe doing a, "I've gotten myself into this, please help me get out of it" stare. I took a breath and returned to practice, fighting back tears and asking myself the entire time, "Why am I even here?" & angry at the man's remarks. I knew it was going to take one asshole to make a comment like that, I'm just surprised it took so long.
Now don't get me wrong, I sing with very pleasant people. This is just a man who didn't bother to think before he spoke; I've been to like, 4 practices, I've been in the country 8 months, I'm not fluent yet.. and you can't start rambling to me out of nowhere at 100 mph thinking I'm going to understand you. This is me being defensive. If I'm going to be proper about it, maybe I need to take ownership of what I said, and maybe he was the one being defensive. Maybe I could have worded what I said differently. This isn't the first time. Maybe I need to acknowledge this instance shook me to my core because he hit a nerve. If I'm *really* honest, I need to acknowledge I haven't been pushing myself as hard as I a) should be and b) normally would to learn the language. Why? Multiple reasons I guess, but it doesn't matter right now.
When you see Julia Roberts (Eat, Pray, Love) move to Italy, practicing the language, speaking fluently without any negative responses or heartache, it lends romanticism to being in a new country.
Nothing prepares you for this transition. Absolutely nothing. I walked into this knowing there would be hard days, I knew it wouldn't always be easy and romantic. But some days just drop kick you out of nowhere and you're lying on the ground with cartoon stars and exclamation points shaking your head wondering wtf.
Don't get me wrong, I still want to be here. I still want to continue living and creating a life here. When you ask me how I'm doing, I'll say fantastic. That's 'cause the good out-weighs the bad ten-fold. I don't know what these days do. I guess they sort of keep me in check, remind me (like I needed it) that I'm the foreigner, keep me grounded, that with 1 person who doesn't understand, there are 20 who do. I've been out of my comfort zone for 8 months. Do I even have a comfort zone here? I don't know what defines that, yet. Also, I think your perception of inhabiting a country is different for when you just visit, or move there permanently.
Bah. Enough of that stuff. I need to catch you up on the good.
The great: I went to the retirement home a few weeks ago and had a meeting. It went fantastic! In a strange twist of fate, I went in inquiring about socializing with the residents, but once she heard about my food/kitchen experience, she was on me like white on rice to volunteer in the kitchen. I don't think I could have said no if I wanted to :P She told me they barely use their kitchen anymore (they bring food in). Maybe basic things like soup or stamppot. There's an oven there that's barely being used. "Oh, that's so sad!" I said. "It is!" she returned. So she was going to talk to her collegue and get back to me. We now have a meeting next Thursday. Dude... a kitchen all to myself. I can't even wrap my head around it. She took me for a tour and indeed, it was pretty empty. That lonely oven was just sitting there, calling to me :P So we'll see what they need me for and how else I can contribute. The cogs are already turning.
I've created a Facebook page for my "business" (I still use the term loosely as I'm not fully developed yet), FKNL (Food Knows No Language). Please go 'like' it if you haven't yet! And W and I were looking at web hosting sites to see who we should go with, to make a webpage. I still have to price my recipes, order packaging, make sure I have an extensive list of what I want to sell. These are all tedious things and I keep putting them off. When we create the webpage, I'll publish it here so you can take a look!
We've had great weather lately. Temperatures have been hovering around 10 degrees C lately (aside from today and the next few). Still, being so close to the sea it's cool and often windy. Doesn't feel as nice as 10 degrees should. I hear you're still getting hammered with snow back in Canada. You must be sick of it. Hang in there, March is just around the corner.
Busy day today so I'm going to get moving. Not many plans for the weekend; W works tomorrow so I'm not sure how I'm going to fill my time. I have a chat date in the afternoon though, that I'm highly looking forward to. Sunday we've asked W's parents over for breakfast (pancakes - Canada style). Maybe I'll go to market tomorrow morning, if the weather is pleasant (read: not raining).
Hope you have a great weekend! Have fun!
Let's be honest, this blog is my therapy. Sure it's nice to write and catch you up on stuff, but it also helps me to talk about things that happen. Like last night. Sooo.... I'm gonna start out with the not so good.
The not so good: I was at choir last night for practice and already for the first song I was a bit overwhelmed. Remember I'm learning new music to new words in a new section (alto). Not only on top of having to pay attention to all of that, I have to *try* to understand what the director is saying (thank goodness for hand gestures). Oh and hey, did I mention the song we were working on changed time like.. 5 times? 3/2, 4/4, 3/4, 5/8 and hey, let's bring it back to 3/2 time again. I almost lost my shit. Okay, so mostly I just listen and word-follow until I get the hang of it. We're on a small break between songs and this old man behind me taps me on the shoulder and starts saying something in Dutch at like, 100 mph. My head kind of spins at that point and I say with a smile, "Woa, sorry sweetheart, you're gonna have to say that in English." "You're going to have to learn Dutch!" he says. I want to burst into tears. Instead, I pull myself together in a micro-second and say pleasantly with a smile, "I am!" He received that well and continued to tell me he could put a 'map' together for me if I'd like (map in Dutch = folder in English). I said that would be wonderful and anything will help.
I was 'off' the rest of the practice. I wanted to walk away, do an ugly cry and sit in that church and ask God why the HELL I'm even here. So I did that, at coffee break (where we practice is a separate room from the nave of the church). I didn't really feel like conversing with anyone else, so The Big Guy and I had a few words. I stood facing the altar. Well, perhaps I was more upset and angry and maybe doing a, "I've gotten myself into this, please help me get out of it" stare. I took a breath and returned to practice, fighting back tears and asking myself the entire time, "Why am I even here?" & angry at the man's remarks. I knew it was going to take one asshole to make a comment like that, I'm just surprised it took so long.
Now don't get me wrong, I sing with very pleasant people. This is just a man who didn't bother to think before he spoke; I've been to like, 4 practices, I've been in the country 8 months, I'm not fluent yet.. and you can't start rambling to me out of nowhere at 100 mph thinking I'm going to understand you. This is me being defensive. If I'm going to be proper about it, maybe I need to take ownership of what I said, and maybe he was the one being defensive. Maybe I could have worded what I said differently. This isn't the first time. Maybe I need to acknowledge this instance shook me to my core because he hit a nerve. If I'm *really* honest, I need to acknowledge I haven't been pushing myself as hard as I a) should be and b) normally would to learn the language. Why? Multiple reasons I guess, but it doesn't matter right now.
When you see Julia Roberts (Eat, Pray, Love) move to Italy, practicing the language, speaking fluently without any negative responses or heartache, it lends romanticism to being in a new country.
Nothing prepares you for this transition. Absolutely nothing. I walked into this knowing there would be hard days, I knew it wouldn't always be easy and romantic. But some days just drop kick you out of nowhere and you're lying on the ground with cartoon stars and exclamation points shaking your head wondering wtf.
Don't get me wrong, I still want to be here. I still want to continue living and creating a life here. When you ask me how I'm doing, I'll say fantastic. That's 'cause the good out-weighs the bad ten-fold. I don't know what these days do. I guess they sort of keep me in check, remind me (like I needed it) that I'm the foreigner, keep me grounded, that with 1 person who doesn't understand, there are 20 who do. I've been out of my comfort zone for 8 months. Do I even have a comfort zone here? I don't know what defines that, yet. Also, I think your perception of inhabiting a country is different for when you just visit, or move there permanently.
Bah. Enough of that stuff. I need to catch you up on the good.
The great: I went to the retirement home a few weeks ago and had a meeting. It went fantastic! In a strange twist of fate, I went in inquiring about socializing with the residents, but once she heard about my food/kitchen experience, she was on me like white on rice to volunteer in the kitchen. I don't think I could have said no if I wanted to :P She told me they barely use their kitchen anymore (they bring food in). Maybe basic things like soup or stamppot. There's an oven there that's barely being used. "Oh, that's so sad!" I said. "It is!" she returned. So she was going to talk to her collegue and get back to me. We now have a meeting next Thursday. Dude... a kitchen all to myself. I can't even wrap my head around it. She took me for a tour and indeed, it was pretty empty. That lonely oven was just sitting there, calling to me :P So we'll see what they need me for and how else I can contribute. The cogs are already turning.
I've created a Facebook page for my "business" (I still use the term loosely as I'm not fully developed yet), FKNL (Food Knows No Language). Please go 'like' it if you haven't yet! And W and I were looking at web hosting sites to see who we should go with, to make a webpage. I still have to price my recipes, order packaging, make sure I have an extensive list of what I want to sell. These are all tedious things and I keep putting them off. When we create the webpage, I'll publish it here so you can take a look!
We've had great weather lately. Temperatures have been hovering around 10 degrees C lately (aside from today and the next few). Still, being so close to the sea it's cool and often windy. Doesn't feel as nice as 10 degrees should. I hear you're still getting hammered with snow back in Canada. You must be sick of it. Hang in there, March is just around the corner.
Busy day today so I'm going to get moving. Not many plans for the weekend; W works tomorrow so I'm not sure how I'm going to fill my time. I have a chat date in the afternoon though, that I'm highly looking forward to. Sunday we've asked W's parents over for breakfast (pancakes - Canada style). Maybe I'll go to market tomorrow morning, if the weather is pleasant (read: not raining).
Hope you have a great weekend! Have fun!
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Jobs? What Jobs?
So.. I'm really not 100% happy with yesterday's post. I had a mix-mash of thoughts/emotions and I couldn't quite get them out and be as articulate as I would have preferred. Yet it was a start and I think it's helped force me make more decisions (mentally) about letting go of this 'protection dome' I've created around myself. I really need to let down all my defences (eek!) and get more involved in life. This is my silent battle.
Anyhoo, the point of this post was to show you what I'm up against for jobs. I believe when I first got here I told you I wasn't accepted for a job due to my age. This poster in a floral shop at the station is a prime example. Click to enlarge.
Anyhoo, the point of this post was to show you what I'm up against for jobs. I believe when I first got here I told you I wasn't accepted for a job due to my age. This poster in a floral shop at the station is a prime example. Click to enlarge.
It says, "We are looking for an enthusiastic sales person/flower arranger (for lack of better translation), for 20 hours a week, must live in Leeuwarden. Age +/- 16 up to 19 years. Interested? Contact... yada yada yada.. "
Bah. It's all crap. Everyone around here is used to it but I sure as hell ain't yet. It's all about money. Just wanted to show you that so you see for yourself that I'm not crazy :)
I'm heading to the gym after lunch, coming home, having a quick shower and heading to the retirement home after. Wish me luck!
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
More Confessions (a long, rambling post)
I remember a quote that has stuck with me from many years ago, "Face fear with fear." I might have challenged the phrase a bit in my head now and then, but for some reason it always stuck with me. Or perhaps you've heard,"There's nothing to fear but fear itself." That one is easy - fear can cripple you and incapacitate you. Sometimes we give our fears too much of a voice and they take centre stage. Sometimes we actually get to play the main character and tell fear to f*ck off. I'm trying to make today one of those days.
In usual fashion, I'm voicing things outloud here that I haven't fully given voice to otherwise. I think it's something I need to write down to make more tangible instead of continuously kicking it around in my head. I think today I am ready.
When I was at my 6-month mark here (Jan 4th) I felt a sort of shift; I became a bit more comfortable, a bit more settled. Not completely, of course, but a new sort of settled than I was before. The past month (wow, it actually has been a month as of today; I am now here 7 months) I've done a bit more shifting, a bit more... remembering how I would like things to be (instead of always feeling overwhelm or just trying to figure shit out or plan my future for the next 6 months). This is good because it helps shift my perspective. I think I've become a little self-absorbed (not in a way that affects others, in fact I have kept this persona very quiet and personal) when instead I need to be self-absorbed but in a, "I need to do .. whatever action... for my own benefit and productivity" sort of way. I don't know if that makes sense? Anyways, I'm getting off on a tangent.
I've neglected to inquire at the local seniors centre for volunteering because I know immediately there will be a language barrier. Sometimes I get so (mentally) exhausted having to translate things in my head (rather what they're saying to me or what I need to say to them) that I just want to throw in the towel at the end of the day and not even try and just take a break. I don't want to deal with puzzled looks, hesitations, fumbling. It really is exhausting. Even thinking about it exhausts me and causes anxiety. But, I signed up for it, so I suppose I should suck it up. Anyways, fear of a few things has prohibited me from speaking to anyone at the retirement home and I've just kept putting it off. In fact, I originally had the plan of a girlfriend to come with me for support; she would do intro discussion and I didn't mind carrying on the rest, with some translation help of course. She's incredibly busy, though, and getting together is difficult. I haven't been ready to go it alone. Until this week. I don't want to wait anymore. My desire to volunteer there because it's something I know I enjoy doing is starting to outweigh my fears of putting it off. So I'm going to try to take my fear - the part of me that paralyzes me and incapacitates me - and go speak to someone at the home. The worst that can happen? We don't understand each other and I go back with my friend, or W. The best thing that could happen? It gets the ball rolling right away. I think that's part of what scares me, too; that it's going to force me more interaction into people/society than I've had yet (which involves of course, more puzzled looks, more translations, more hesitations.. more exhaustion) but I have to treat this the way I did with choir; maybe my fears are bigger than reality. Maybe I will be well received, even speaking mostly English, and I'll actually get along okay.
Since I'm getting over (yet another) cold, I went for a walk tonight instead of going to the gym. It was dusk and there was just enough light to go around the neighbourhood for half an hour. I was very cognizant of my walking; it was brisk, I was clenched and had irratic breathing. No. This was meant to be a relaxing walk. I had to actually force myself to slow down my pace and breathing. When more calm, I would still notice feelings of anxiety pop up now and then; I just had to breathe them out.
The theme that's been presented to me the past few days is to "let it go," whatever 'it' happened to be (I can think of a few examples where this applies). Without going into a long story and making this an even longer post, I have been exhibiting possible personal attributes that are causing me to 'protect myself' (I use the term loosely). Protect myself from what I don't know, but I think being in a new land has affected me on a deeper level than I'm able to realize. Getting on the plane and coming here was the easy part. Integrating permanently in a country where you don't speak the language? Much harder. Whatever 'it' is that I'm protecting myself from, I need to let go of those fears. I have to remind myself I'm surrounded by caring friends and family that are hella supportive and will catch me if I fall. Oh... but what if I succeed. I think for me that's even scarier. But that's a whole other post.
So.. onward I go. That's where my thinking stops, so if I come up with more you can be sure to hear from me.
Hope the week is treating you well.
In usual fashion, I'm voicing things outloud here that I haven't fully given voice to otherwise. I think it's something I need to write down to make more tangible instead of continuously kicking it around in my head. I think today I am ready.
When I was at my 6-month mark here (Jan 4th) I felt a sort of shift; I became a bit more comfortable, a bit more settled. Not completely, of course, but a new sort of settled than I was before. The past month (wow, it actually has been a month as of today; I am now here 7 months) I've done a bit more shifting, a bit more... remembering how I would like things to be (instead of always feeling overwhelm or just trying to figure shit out or plan my future for the next 6 months). This is good because it helps shift my perspective. I think I've become a little self-absorbed (not in a way that affects others, in fact I have kept this persona very quiet and personal) when instead I need to be self-absorbed but in a, "I need to do .. whatever action... for my own benefit and productivity" sort of way. I don't know if that makes sense? Anyways, I'm getting off on a tangent.
I've neglected to inquire at the local seniors centre for volunteering because I know immediately there will be a language barrier. Sometimes I get so (mentally) exhausted having to translate things in my head (rather what they're saying to me or what I need to say to them) that I just want to throw in the towel at the end of the day and not even try and just take a break. I don't want to deal with puzzled looks, hesitations, fumbling. It really is exhausting. Even thinking about it exhausts me and causes anxiety. But, I signed up for it, so I suppose I should suck it up. Anyways, fear of a few things has prohibited me from speaking to anyone at the retirement home and I've just kept putting it off. In fact, I originally had the plan of a girlfriend to come with me for support; she would do intro discussion and I didn't mind carrying on the rest, with some translation help of course. She's incredibly busy, though, and getting together is difficult. I haven't been ready to go it alone. Until this week. I don't want to wait anymore. My desire to volunteer there because it's something I know I enjoy doing is starting to outweigh my fears of putting it off. So I'm going to try to take my fear - the part of me that paralyzes me and incapacitates me - and go speak to someone at the home. The worst that can happen? We don't understand each other and I go back with my friend, or W. The best thing that could happen? It gets the ball rolling right away. I think that's part of what scares me, too; that it's going to force me more interaction into people/society than I've had yet (which involves of course, more puzzled looks, more translations, more hesitations.. more exhaustion) but I have to treat this the way I did with choir; maybe my fears are bigger than reality. Maybe I will be well received, even speaking mostly English, and I'll actually get along okay.
Since I'm getting over (yet another) cold, I went for a walk tonight instead of going to the gym. It was dusk and there was just enough light to go around the neighbourhood for half an hour. I was very cognizant of my walking; it was brisk, I was clenched and had irratic breathing. No. This was meant to be a relaxing walk. I had to actually force myself to slow down my pace and breathing. When more calm, I would still notice feelings of anxiety pop up now and then; I just had to breathe them out.
The theme that's been presented to me the past few days is to "let it go," whatever 'it' happened to be (I can think of a few examples where this applies). Without going into a long story and making this an even longer post, I have been exhibiting possible personal attributes that are causing me to 'protect myself' (I use the term loosely). Protect myself from what I don't know, but I think being in a new land has affected me on a deeper level than I'm able to realize. Getting on the plane and coming here was the easy part. Integrating permanently in a country where you don't speak the language? Much harder. Whatever 'it' is that I'm protecting myself from, I need to let go of those fears. I have to remind myself I'm surrounded by caring friends and family that are hella supportive and will catch me if I fall. Oh... but what if I succeed. I think for me that's even scarier. But that's a whole other post.
So.. onward I go. That's where my thinking stops, so if I come up with more you can be sure to hear from me.
Hope the week is treating you well.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
There Are Good Days, and Then There Are Bad...
I went to the gym yesterday to meet up with a new friend. Found her, chatted a bit and started on my workout. Yesterday was just cardio so I hit the treadmill for a half an hour. There were two women to my left who seemed to know each other and were talking. After warming up, I increased my speed and started running for a few minutes. They seemed amazed (?), said something to each other, then the lady closest to me looked over and said something Friesian with a smile. I said in response (also with a smile), "Sorry, I only speak English." So she nods, turns around and starts talking to her friend again as if I didn't exist. I received no acknowledgement at all.
*blank stare*
Wtf just happened? I was more put off by her rudeness not acknowledging me, than by her refusal to speak English. This is what I face here sometimes. When I say they don't speak English here... THEY DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH HERE.
When I detach my emotions from the situation, I can tell you she was startled at the English as it's not regularly encountered, probably felt too timid to try and it was just easier to not talk at all (at least, I hope this is it). Was it rude? Yes. Is it a common response? Not entirely. When I ask people to say what they said in English, they get put off by it and don't repeat it at all, but at least most continue some form of conversation. Also, if I step back, I could have approached the situation differently and responded in a way that was more open, and not perhaps closing off the conversation.
By the time I'd gathered myself together and thought of a proper, friendly response, they were done and had walked away. Fail.
If I put my emotion back into it (like I did last night), I felt shunned, tiny, distant from a place I'm trying to connect, insignificant, like a jerk, wonder why I bother... I could make a list. It also was a straw that broke the camels back and it felt 10 times worse than the situation actually was. It was another reminder that I'm the minority, this isn't my original home turf and I am of course the one that has to keep adapting, not necessarily them (at least I feel, more so).
My lack of response bothered me. The past few years and the move especially, I've become this person who doesn't say anything, tries to be the nice guy and let's things just smooth over. Anyone who knows me knows that's not who I am. I don't get walked over. I stand up for moments when I feel I'm being disrespected. I give my opinion. I'm a very passionate person. I'm not a little mouse in the corner, I'm a raging lion. Only, I know the reactions to the raging lion weren't always great and I have indeed become the little mouse - and now I'm trying to find a happy medium between the two. So many circumstances have come up lately that this has now become something that I can no longer ignore. It's time to change.
How do you see this behaviour when you expected more of yourself and are disappointed on so many levels... and still practice self-compassion? Brené Brown suggests expressing this intention, "I will talk to myself the same way I talk to the people I love." When your best friend or partner is beating on themselves for particular behaviour, do you say, "Yeah, you're being a jerk. You really shouldn't have done that. What were you thinking?" No. We approach them with love and kindness and give them the best empathetic response we can. It doesn't make saying that to ourselves any more acceptable.
I have to practice what I preach. Which is not easy.
Y'know what? It really sucks having to be a grown up sometimes. The only thing I wanted last night was to shut off, escape somewhere where my problems ceased to exist. I wanted to not make an effort. I wanted my home, my city, my street, my cat, my friends. I wanted the familiar. I am building a (fantastic) friend base here, but it just didn't feel the same to reach out to them. I wanted to call someone up from back home, go for a coffee and vent it off and go window shopping.
Instead, I cried it off, called it a day, woke up and brushed myself off and am trying this thing calledlife integration again. Hiccups will happen, I know that. This just reminded me to keep my wits about me and to try and remain more open to those around me who might have a harder time at adjusting to conversation than I do.
In the end I am thankful I get to learn about myself. Onward and upward!
*blank stare*
Wtf just happened? I was more put off by her rudeness not acknowledging me, than by her refusal to speak English. This is what I face here sometimes. When I say they don't speak English here... THEY DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH HERE.
When I detach my emotions from the situation, I can tell you she was startled at the English as it's not regularly encountered, probably felt too timid to try and it was just easier to not talk at all (at least, I hope this is it). Was it rude? Yes. Is it a common response? Not entirely. When I ask people to say what they said in English, they get put off by it and don't repeat it at all, but at least most continue some form of conversation. Also, if I step back, I could have approached the situation differently and responded in a way that was more open, and not perhaps closing off the conversation.
By the time I'd gathered myself together and thought of a proper, friendly response, they were done and had walked away. Fail.
If I put my emotion back into it (like I did last night), I felt shunned, tiny, distant from a place I'm trying to connect, insignificant, like a jerk, wonder why I bother... I could make a list. It also was a straw that broke the camels back and it felt 10 times worse than the situation actually was. It was another reminder that I'm the minority, this isn't my original home turf and I am of course the one that has to keep adapting, not necessarily them (at least I feel, more so).
My lack of response bothered me. The past few years and the move especially, I've become this person who doesn't say anything, tries to be the nice guy and let's things just smooth over. Anyone who knows me knows that's not who I am. I don't get walked over. I stand up for moments when I feel I'm being disrespected. I give my opinion. I'm a very passionate person. I'm not a little mouse in the corner, I'm a raging lion. Only, I know the reactions to the raging lion weren't always great and I have indeed become the little mouse - and now I'm trying to find a happy medium between the two. So many circumstances have come up lately that this has now become something that I can no longer ignore. It's time to change.
How do you see this behaviour when you expected more of yourself and are disappointed on so many levels... and still practice self-compassion? Brené Brown suggests expressing this intention, "I will talk to myself the same way I talk to the people I love." When your best friend or partner is beating on themselves for particular behaviour, do you say, "Yeah, you're being a jerk. You really shouldn't have done that. What were you thinking?" No. We approach them with love and kindness and give them the best empathetic response we can. It doesn't make saying that to ourselves any more acceptable.
I have to practice what I preach. Which is not easy.
Y'know what? It really sucks having to be a grown up sometimes. The only thing I wanted last night was to shut off, escape somewhere where my problems ceased to exist. I wanted to not make an effort. I wanted my home, my city, my street, my cat, my friends. I wanted the familiar. I am building a (fantastic) friend base here, but it just didn't feel the same to reach out to them. I wanted to call someone up from back home, go for a coffee and vent it off and go window shopping.
Instead, I cried it off, called it a day, woke up and brushed myself off and am trying this thing called
In the end I am thankful I get to learn about myself. Onward and upward!
Monday, October 28, 2013
Addendum
I wanted to write this post last week (a day after the last post, to be exact), but life got a little busy. I still wanted to communicate a couple thoughts though, before moving on to the next post.
The friend I spoke to after writing said email last week said to me that I was brave (moving here). It's weird, but to me it's not a big deal/not something I feel 'brave' over, etc. I never know how to respond to comments like that. I did what I wanted to do.
What's brave to me is writing that last post. Brave is baring all my emotions which could be open to judgement, ridicule or opinions I may or may not be ready to hear. I was just thinking; it's funny.. in highschool I, okay, stood out a little (intentionally), but scholastically or emotionally I was never good enough, or I was always judged* and ended up hiding a lot of things I was feeling (which, in hindsight, lead to a period of heavy depression in my teens but I digress), where now I've evolved into a human who doesn't shy away from expressing my feelings and find it more freeing, than fearful.
That day with the breakdown/breakthrough? My day didn't end there. I decided it was a good idea to spill soup on my boyfriend's computer. That he uses for work. That he's financially responsible for. That had a large project due today. I felt awful. To say I panicked and freaked out, is an understatement. After a tearful text to a friend of his, he came over, pulled it all apart and we cleaned it up. After reassembly, it's only the keyboard that doesn't work. Phew. I'll happily pay for a new keyboard replacement instead of a whole computer any day. We have a plug-in keyboard for now. Goodness; that day was just too much stress.
Now onto the next post!
The friend I spoke to after writing said email last week said to me that I was brave (moving here). It's weird, but to me it's not a big deal/not something I feel 'brave' over, etc. I never know how to respond to comments like that. I did what I wanted to do.
What's brave to me is writing that last post. Brave is baring all my emotions which could be open to judgement, ridicule or opinions I may or may not be ready to hear. I was just thinking; it's funny.. in highschool I, okay, stood out a little (intentionally), but scholastically or emotionally I was never good enough, or I was always judged* and ended up hiding a lot of things I was feeling (which, in hindsight, lead to a period of heavy depression in my teens but I digress), where now I've evolved into a human who doesn't shy away from expressing my feelings and find it more freeing, than fearful.
That day with the breakdown/breakthrough? My day didn't end there. I decided it was a good idea to spill soup on my boyfriend's computer. That he uses for work. That he's financially responsible for. That had a large project due today. I felt awful. To say I panicked and freaked out, is an understatement. After a tearful text to a friend of his, he came over, pulled it all apart and we cleaned it up. After reassembly, it's only the keyboard that doesn't work. Phew. I'll happily pay for a new keyboard replacement instead of a whole computer any day. We have a plug-in keyboard for now. Goodness; that day was just too much stress.
Now onto the next post!
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Starting Over
There are a hundred titles I've thought of for this post...
"Overwhelm"
"Breaking Through"
"Guilt"
"Vulnerability"
"Courage"
"Honesty"
I can't decide.
With a bit of a breakdown this morning, I had a bit of a breakthrough (they go hand-in-hand, I think. I'm also channelling my inner Brené Brown). What started as an email to a friend about a lack-lustre prayer life, ended up turning into a confessional. Except not so much to them, as to myself. I'd given a voice to what has been silently bothering me for the last 3 months. With my lack of talking to friends (like, real conversations, I don't mean "how are you liking it there? or What's different? or How's the weather?")** or blogging, I've been keeping inside what (I think) makes me - me; expressing my vulnerability, really talking about life and it's meaning or impact on ourselves or each other or challenging ourselves. Needless to say I've been stuck in my head a lot... and for whoever's been there... that's *not* a good thing. After said email, I spoke to a friend who gave me things I needed to hear and helped raise some awareness. So it's time for me to get honest. Brutal truth, guys. Brace yourselves (or maybe I should...) :/
I'm overwhelmed.
I feel stuck.
I shut off way too often (Facebook? Pinterest, anyone?).
I rush through situations that are uncomfortable (usually per language barriers).
I see my admitting overwhelm as a sign of weakness and it is attached with guilt (how can I feel overwhelmed? I'm not working a 50-hr week, have 5 projects on the go or involved with 3 clubs).
I've been using food as comfort (my ever-expanding waistline is a proving indication).
I've had much higher expectations of myself coming here than I was willing to admit (part inflicted by me, part inflicted by society and friends).
The kicker is I hide all of those points. Even to W. sometimes (s'ok, you can judge).
I have now been challenged to re-write what I see as 'overwhelm' and conversely, 'successful'.
Overwhelm is not always having 50 things on the go. Sometimes overwhelm is having one major thing on the go, with maybe 5 baby things trailing behind it. Overwhelm is being reminded *every minute* that I am in a situation that has no "quick fix" and that it will take a lot of time and effort to get to a point where I will be completely comfortable (like with the language, or not being able to find a job). Overwhelm is trying to be okay with the fact that I have control issues and I am in a situation that in part, I have no control over. Overwhelm is wanting to learn a language in 5 minutes so I can move on with life and not feel like an outsider. Overwhelm is having my bf's mother encourage me to look into getting a Dutch drivers licence when I have (yet) no desire to drive. Overwhelm is feeling happy in a life I wanted to be in with a man that loves me but feeling conflicted because I miss my friends, my town, the comfortable flow I had in my life, my sociability, my (let's get real)... safety zone.
Success is not always becoming CEO, or having lots of friends, or the biggest house on the block. Success is moving to a new country, leaving everyone and everything familiar behind. Success is, when you do have the nerve, to smile and say hello to your neighbour and comment on the weather - in your new language. Success is admitting overwhelm. Success is feeling like crap but seeing the positive anyways. Success is being gentle with yourself. Repeatedly. Success is giving yourself permission to feel ovewhelmed, in any situation. Success is after you think that by moving to a new country you're starting over, that three and a half months into said move, do you indeed need to state again that you are "starting over" (see explanation below).
It's hard to find a point of where to start (moving on, moving forward) since there's so much to do. What's the indicator that tells you how and where to begin? That's the hard part. So, for today and moving forward, I will look at things with a fresh perspective. This is a big deal. There is a lot of effort involved. It will take a lot of time. I will need to make baby steps to get to the bigger things that I visualize in my head I see happening for me. Now that I've given it a voice, I'm okay with it (instead of running away from it). I'm okay with there having to be effort. There is now a sort of peace (temporary, I'm sure). Or maybe I should say.. I've reached a point now that I can relax a bit and let life come to me, instead of pushing through to get to it.
On that note, I am going to make a late lunch and get out for a bike ride. I hope you're having a fabulous week!
** Not to say I don't enjoy these conversations; I just find I need a bit more of the dig-deep, feeling-connected ones.
"Overwhelm"
"Breaking Through"
"Guilt"
"Vulnerability"
"Courage"
"Honesty"
I can't decide.
With a bit of a breakdown this morning, I had a bit of a breakthrough (they go hand-in-hand, I think. I'm also channelling my inner Brené Brown). What started as an email to a friend about a lack-lustre prayer life, ended up turning into a confessional. Except not so much to them, as to myself. I'd given a voice to what has been silently bothering me for the last 3 months. With my lack of talking to friends (like, real conversations, I don't mean "how are you liking it there? or What's different? or How's the weather?")** or blogging, I've been keeping inside what (I think) makes me - me; expressing my vulnerability, really talking about life and it's meaning or impact on ourselves or each other or challenging ourselves. Needless to say I've been stuck in my head a lot... and for whoever's been there... that's *not* a good thing. After said email, I spoke to a friend who gave me things I needed to hear and helped raise some awareness. So it's time for me to get honest. Brutal truth, guys. Brace yourselves (or maybe I should...) :/
I'm overwhelmed.
I feel stuck.
I shut off way too often (Facebook? Pinterest, anyone?).
I rush through situations that are uncomfortable (usually per language barriers).
I see my admitting overwhelm as a sign of weakness and it is attached with guilt (how can I feel overwhelmed? I'm not working a 50-hr week, have 5 projects on the go or involved with 3 clubs).
I've been using food as comfort (my ever-expanding waistline is a proving indication).
I've had much higher expectations of myself coming here than I was willing to admit (part inflicted by me, part inflicted by society and friends).
The kicker is I hide all of those points. Even to W. sometimes (s'ok, you can judge).
I have now been challenged to re-write what I see as 'overwhelm' and conversely, 'successful'.
Overwhelm is not always having 50 things on the go. Sometimes overwhelm is having one major thing on the go, with maybe 5 baby things trailing behind it. Overwhelm is being reminded *every minute* that I am in a situation that has no "quick fix" and that it will take a lot of time and effort to get to a point where I will be completely comfortable (like with the language, or not being able to find a job). Overwhelm is trying to be okay with the fact that I have control issues and I am in a situation that in part, I have no control over. Overwhelm is wanting to learn a language in 5 minutes so I can move on with life and not feel like an outsider. Overwhelm is having my bf's mother encourage me to look into getting a Dutch drivers licence when I have (yet) no desire to drive. Overwhelm is feeling happy in a life I wanted to be in with a man that loves me but feeling conflicted because I miss my friends, my town, the comfortable flow I had in my life, my sociability, my (let's get real)... safety zone.
Success is not always becoming CEO, or having lots of friends, or the biggest house on the block. Success is moving to a new country, leaving everyone and everything familiar behind. Success is, when you do have the nerve, to smile and say hello to your neighbour and comment on the weather - in your new language. Success is admitting overwhelm. Success is feeling like crap but seeing the positive anyways. Success is being gentle with yourself. Repeatedly. Success is giving yourself permission to feel ovewhelmed, in any situation. Success is after you think that by moving to a new country you're starting over, that three and a half months into said move, do you indeed need to state again that you are "starting over" (see explanation below).
It's hard to find a point of where to start (moving on, moving forward) since there's so much to do. What's the indicator that tells you how and where to begin? That's the hard part. So, for today and moving forward, I will look at things with a fresh perspective. This is a big deal. There is a lot of effort involved. It will take a lot of time. I will need to make baby steps to get to the bigger things that I visualize in my head I see happening for me. Now that I've given it a voice, I'm okay with it (instead of running away from it). I'm okay with there having to be effort. There is now a sort of peace (temporary, I'm sure). Or maybe I should say.. I've reached a point now that I can relax a bit and let life come to me, instead of pushing through to get to it.
On that note, I am going to make a late lunch and get out for a bike ride. I hope you're having a fabulous week!
** Not to say I don't enjoy these conversations; I just find I need a bit more of the dig-deep, feeling-connected ones.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Discouraged, Pt. II
It gets worse.
After talking to a couple people yesterday about said events, it turns out it's true about the age thing. Apparently there are different pay scales per age, and since I'm not, say, 19, they can't get away with paying me minimum wage; there are different pay scales for someone who's 19, 30 or even 40.
Okay.. let's just try to wrap our heads around that for a minute.
They technically aren't allowed to ask me for my age, but they have to in order to know what to pay me?
What?
W. told me it's original intention when it came out (why it was changed to this), but I forget what it is. When he got home last night, I got the sweet, "Honeeeey, I'm hooome." and he walks in the kitchen where I've got a scowl on my face and I said a brief, "Hello." "What happened?" he instantly asks. "Oh, fine country you live in!" and I start yelling. Poor chap. He let me vent and then he made me put the dishes down (that I was subsiquently throwing around with my anger) and took me in his arms for a hug... and I cried. It was all too much to process. So... now I have to prove myself harder in a country that doesn't know me nor is familiar with the places I've worked? No pressure. AND they want me to just be okay with this process, put aside my principles and bend over and take it up the ass because that's what everyone else does? Oh hell no.
It's a good thing I work better under pressure, cause right now I'm just pissed. For a country that touts equality, this is very unequal of them. I'm sure there's a positive in here somewhere, I'm just not sure where it is yet. So this is how it's going to go: I'll apply for jobs and if I get asked again for my age I'll bite my tongue from saying, "What the f*** business is it of yours?" and politely ask them if they're interested in my skills or not. If they evade the question, I move on. I'm not compromising.
In reality, they're not allowed to ask me that; it's still age discrimination (and I could have reported them), but because it's been changed, they're using that to their advantage... and trying to get away with it. They're supposed to hire you on your abilities, and the formalities (pay scale per age) come later, with the paperwork. The sad thing is, it was a measly dishwashing position, but I would have put a lot of hard work and experience into their kithen, hoping to slowly move up the ranks. Instead, they're sacrificing experience for cheap labour, choosing to hire inexperienced young'uns in their kitchen. A foolish business mistake, if you ask me, when you're trying to open a new restaurant. I have a right mind to call her back and tell her what a fool she's being. But what do I know.
That's enough for today. I'm going to try to keep myself occupied until W. comes home, which won't be a moment too soon. I'm feeling a little down-trodden. I will however, enclose a picture of our balcony :) It's still not exactly how I want it, but still it's cosy and a welcoming place to sit when the sun isn't high.
It's Friday!
After talking to a couple people yesterday about said events, it turns out it's true about the age thing. Apparently there are different pay scales per age, and since I'm not, say, 19, they can't get away with paying me minimum wage; there are different pay scales for someone who's 19, 30 or even 40.
Okay.. let's just try to wrap our heads around that for a minute.
They technically aren't allowed to ask me for my age, but they have to in order to know what to pay me?
What?
W. told me it's original intention when it came out (why it was changed to this), but I forget what it is. When he got home last night, I got the sweet, "Honeeeey, I'm hooome." and he walks in the kitchen where I've got a scowl on my face and I said a brief, "Hello." "What happened?" he instantly asks. "Oh, fine country you live in!" and I start yelling. Poor chap. He let me vent and then he made me put the dishes down (that I was subsiquently throwing around with my anger) and took me in his arms for a hug... and I cried. It was all too much to process. So... now I have to prove myself harder in a country that doesn't know me nor is familiar with the places I've worked? No pressure. AND they want me to just be okay with this process, put aside my principles and bend over and take it up the ass because that's what everyone else does? Oh hell no.
It's a good thing I work better under pressure, cause right now I'm just pissed. For a country that touts equality, this is very unequal of them. I'm sure there's a positive in here somewhere, I'm just not sure where it is yet. So this is how it's going to go: I'll apply for jobs and if I get asked again for my age I'll bite my tongue from saying, "What the f*** business is it of yours?" and politely ask them if they're interested in my skills or not. If they evade the question, I move on. I'm not compromising.
In reality, they're not allowed to ask me that; it's still age discrimination (and I could have reported them), but because it's been changed, they're using that to their advantage... and trying to get away with it. They're supposed to hire you on your abilities, and the formalities (pay scale per age) come later, with the paperwork. The sad thing is, it was a measly dishwashing position, but I would have put a lot of hard work and experience into their kithen, hoping to slowly move up the ranks. Instead, they're sacrificing experience for cheap labour, choosing to hire inexperienced young'uns in their kitchen. A foolish business mistake, if you ask me, when you're trying to open a new restaurant. I have a right mind to call her back and tell her what a fool she's being. But what do I know.
That's enough for today. I'm going to try to keep myself occupied until W. comes home, which won't be a moment too soon. I'm feeling a little down-trodden. I will however, enclose a picture of our balcony :) It's still not exactly how I want it, but still it's cosy and a welcoming place to sit when the sun isn't high.
It's Friday!
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Well Then
I'm very sorry about my freak out yesterday. Not that I had it, but perhaps that I felt I needed to display it. If W.'s not around, I don't have any other outlet; and you, my trusty friend, since this blog is about saying things that no one else will, get to see *all* parts of the process.
I almost resorted to old behaviour last night, that was neither productive nor healthy. The testament that I'm sitting and writing to you about it today showsyou me how much stronger I've become (since the years I adopted said behaviour). I'm still having a meltdown, but I will do so more quietly and slowly, until I figure out what's going on and what I want to do next.
I came close to calling off my get-together last night. People are completely missing the fact that it's an opportunity to say goodbye and that they're coming to see *me*, not so they can be here to turn it into a party and be with 50 other people. I'm not saying that's not a nice side effect, I'm just saying it wasn't my intent. So why would I want to plan something for someone else, and not what I originally wanted to do - for me? I'm not trying to make it all about me, but you know what.. it's about me. This also helps my grieving process and I have to accept the situation for what it is. If people wanna come along for the ride, fantastic. Hop on. But don't say I didn't warn ya ;)
I have a hair appointment in just over an hour. It will be a miracle if I make it dressed and out on time; I'm just sort of in sloth mode.
I almost resorted to old behaviour last night, that was neither productive nor healthy. The testament that I'm sitting and writing to you about it today shows
I came close to calling off my get-together last night. People are completely missing the fact that it's an opportunity to say goodbye and that they're coming to see *me*, not so they can be here to turn it into a party and be with 50 other people. I'm not saying that's not a nice side effect, I'm just saying it wasn't my intent. So why would I want to plan something for someone else, and not what I originally wanted to do - for me? I'm not trying to make it all about me, but you know what.. it's about me. This also helps my grieving process and I have to accept the situation for what it is. If people wanna come along for the ride, fantastic. Hop on. But don't say I didn't warn ya ;)
I have a hair appointment in just over an hour. It will be a miracle if I make it dressed and out on time; I'm just sort of in sloth mode.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
I Need to Vent
K.. you have to understand I'm stressed out. This is common knowledge, right? Not only on top of that, but I'm now trying to organize a get-together that no one else was willing to hold for me, in lieu of said stress. I CAN'T ORGANIZE PARTIES RIGHT NOW, but you know what, it seems like I have to.
I posted said get-together on Facebook as an event and listed it as Open House style - you come when you're able to come. This is not a chance for me to list something from 7pm onwards and someone say to me, "I can't make it, I'm working that afternoon." This encourages said person if they can't come in the evening, to stop by and say hi in the morning or early afternoon, or whenever. Likewise, I have a friend who prefers to come when there's not so many people here, so earlier in the day.
An old co-worker/friend stopped by this morning to drop off a cooler for ice. She said people are wondering what time to come. I said, "It's open house style, they can come whenever." She looked at me with a blank stare wondering wtf I'm talking about. Now, she's younger than I am by several years, if not close to 10. Does the concept or term "Open House" only apply to older folk? Are we the only ones that know what this means? Or do people not know how to fucking read? Cause that wouldn't surprise me at all either. But then another friend of mine posted on the event (who's the same age as me) wondering what time to come. So I'm starting to think PEOPLE DON'T KNOW HOW TO FUCKING READ. I get that parties and get-togethers are usually a set time and I get I'm branching OUT FROM THE NORM just so I can fucking see people before I leave. Sue me.
Seriously? This is making me want to cry? THIS IS WHY I SHOULDN'T ORGANIZE MY OWN PARTY RIGHT NOW.
Sigh.
I posted said get-together on Facebook as an event and listed it as Open House style - you come when you're able to come. This is not a chance for me to list something from 7pm onwards and someone say to me, "I can't make it, I'm working that afternoon." This encourages said person if they can't come in the evening, to stop by and say hi in the morning or early afternoon, or whenever. Likewise, I have a friend who prefers to come when there's not so many people here, so earlier in the day.
An old co-worker/friend stopped by this morning to drop off a cooler for ice. She said people are wondering what time to come. I said, "It's open house style, they can come whenever." She looked at me with a blank stare wondering wtf I'm talking about. Now, she's younger than I am by several years, if not close to 10. Does the concept or term "Open House" only apply to older folk? Are we the only ones that know what this means? Or do people not know how to fucking read? Cause that wouldn't surprise me at all either. But then another friend of mine posted on the event (who's the same age as me) wondering what time to come. So I'm starting to think PEOPLE DON'T KNOW HOW TO FUCKING READ. I get that parties and get-togethers are usually a set time and I get I'm branching OUT FROM THE NORM just so I can fucking see people before I leave. Sue me.
Seriously? This is making me want to cry? THIS IS WHY I SHOULDN'T ORGANIZE MY OWN PARTY RIGHT NOW.
Sigh.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
So You Think You're Envious?
Common phrases I'm told is that people are envious, how brave I am, what a great thing it is I'm doing, how happy I'll be.
This? This right now, is not happy. This right now is done with dealing with people who AREN'T GETTING THAT I'M LEAVING. This, right now, is done with people who don't seem to care about how I've worked with them for 5.5 years and treat my last day with them as any other. This, right now, is done with family who have only starting to attempt making plans 3 WEEKS BEFORE I LEAVE. This, right now, is me **so** stretched thin, that I barely have everyone and every thing covered before I go. This right now..is me so stressed out that I don't know how I'm going to get through the next 3 weeks.
This is the dark side of moving somewhere far away. Yes, there will be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but it's not all fun and roses. To pick up your entire life, leave everything and everyone behind is not easy and causes very painful moments.
I'm going to cry myself to sleep now.
This? This right now, is not happy. This right now is done with dealing with people who AREN'T GETTING THAT I'M LEAVING. This, right now, is done with people who don't seem to care about how I've worked with them for 5.5 years and treat my last day with them as any other. This, right now, is done with family who have only starting to attempt making plans 3 WEEKS BEFORE I LEAVE. This, right now, is me **so** stretched thin, that I barely have everyone and every thing covered before I go. This right now..is me so stressed out that I don't know how I'm going to get through the next 3 weeks.
This is the dark side of moving somewhere far away. Yes, there will be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but it's not all fun and roses. To pick up your entire life, leave everything and everyone behind is not easy and causes very painful moments.
I'm going to cry myself to sleep now.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
A Prime Example
Remember how I said my emotions can change on an hourly basis? I told you I wasn't joking.
Just recently W. and I had an interaction; the way he said something was a trigger for me and I reacted 5 times more than what I normally would have with that comment in the past. So then he reacts in kind, and so on, to the point that I'm in tears and we finally talk it out and discover what happened. While I'm disheartened to see I still have triggers, it shows how touchy I am these days and how the roller coaster continues. Lately I've been excited (jumping-out-of-my-skin excited) about going, where after I had this nerve touched I end up in tears because everyone is suddenly trying to make plans with me at once and it's too much and I'm being stretched thin and there's only one of me and there isn't enough time and I already miss people and I haven't even left yet.
Did you breathe when you read that? I sure didn't.
*sigh*
This is how it's going to be the next little while. Be gentle with me.
Just recently W. and I had an interaction; the way he said something was a trigger for me and I reacted 5 times more than what I normally would have with that comment in the past. So then he reacts in kind, and so on, to the point that I'm in tears and we finally talk it out and discover what happened. While I'm disheartened to see I still have triggers, it shows how touchy I am these days and how the roller coaster continues. Lately I've been excited (jumping-out-of-my-skin excited) about going, where after I had this nerve touched I end up in tears because everyone is suddenly trying to make plans with me at once and it's too much and I'm being stretched thin and there's only one of me and there isn't enough time and I already miss people and I haven't even left yet.
Did you breathe when you read that? I sure didn't.
*sigh*
This is how it's going to be the next little while. Be gentle with me.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Date Set
I have a date. A date with a plane and a date with a very wonderful Dutch man.
The ticket has been bought. But.. I'm not announcing that date yet. Give me a day for it to sink in and then I will do a mass announcement.
Holy shit. I just bought a plane ticket to Europe. To move. To live, to work in another country. Wow.
W. and I had a very serious talk at zero-hour before I confirmed my purchase; what it would mean for us, how we'll continue to proceed in our relationship, acknowledging there will be good days and bad, but every day I will make a very conscious decision and choose to love him and choose to make an effort in our relationship and our lives - and that effort will be happily be met and returned.
For now.. I am very tired and very overwhelmed. Not only have I dealt with the good today, but the past 24hrs I have also dealt with the not-so-good (Babu and finding him a home). To say it's heartbreaking is saying it lightly. And it's still not finished.
So I'm going to have a quiet evening, let everything sink in... and just chill. I think I'm even too mentally tired for a movie.
Goedenacht.
The ticket has been bought. But.. I'm not announcing that date yet. Give me a day for it to sink in and then I will do a mass announcement.
Holy shit. I just bought a plane ticket to Europe. To move. To live, to work in another country. Wow.
W. and I had a very serious talk at zero-hour before I confirmed my purchase; what it would mean for us, how we'll continue to proceed in our relationship, acknowledging there will be good days and bad, but every day I will make a very conscious decision and choose to love him and choose to make an effort in our relationship and our lives - and that effort will be happily be met and returned.
For now.. I am very tired and very overwhelmed. Not only have I dealt with the good today, but the past 24hrs I have also dealt with the not-so-good (Babu and finding him a home). To say it's heartbreaking is saying it lightly. And it's still not finished.
So I'm going to have a quiet evening, let everything sink in... and just chill. I think I'm even too mentally tired for a movie.
Goedenacht.
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