I write to you troubled today, dear reader. I have been brought to the ultimate juxtaposition in my current life (stage).
It's proving very quickly that my body is not ready for this job. More specifically, my body and current health status are not ready for 11-hour days (which turn into 13(!) with commute). Aside from my current health issues, I'm just recuperating being off work sick for a week. I had a cold from hell and some sleepless nights (admittedly, due partly to anxiety). The last shift I worked before falling ill (overnight) was 11 hours. That did me in. My body was trying to tell me something (and has been since, in other ways!).
I said I'll be able to return Wednesday this week. I was warned they will be long days, at 10-12 hours each. Maybe they can let me keep 9 hour shifts. Maybe I can start off slow and ease into it until I'm used to everything.
The problem is... in the food industry, this isn't acceptable. The food industry has a pretty big macho, "Suck it up or get out" mentality. There's no half-assed. There's no doing things only half way. There's little to no "meeting in the middle".
This isn't the only industry who has mandatory long days. Healthcare is another prime example. Nurses work 12 hours and doctors even longer. It's ironic that positions in the health industry aren't condusive to good health, but I digress. I don't think it's healthy to demand so much of ourselves while we're serving others. Long shifts don't benefit anyone; you get tired and mistakes are made. I realize these are my values and not the industry's. How do we find time for ourselves (also important for personal health and well-being) and our family? Why are we making it okay to just get up, go to work, come home and eat and go to bed - day after day? How does someone with chronic health issues work in an industry they enjoy that otherwise wants to shut them out?
So... how does one work in an industry they enjoy when it clashes with one of their values? Such a big question with a seemingly impossible answer. But there has to be a way. I'm too stubborn to admit otherwise. I've always wanted to bake and I've always wanted to make a difference in the world with my baking - but I've never had the answer how. Maybe it's not the baking itself, but the path. Maybe I'm keeping my thinking too narrow.
I don't know. And I don't know if there's ever an answer for what I'm asking. I always want to jump 10 steps ahead; I know what I want in the end, but I never know how to get there. My creativity falls short along the way and then I lose momentum and it's gone.
Aaaaand..I'm losing battery on my laptop. I take that as a queue for dinner time.
I don't know if my rambling has made any sense. Maybe someone identifies with it (in which case, that'll be a miracle). Otherwise, I'll see you on the flip side :)
Happy Sunday!
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Sunday, September 20, 2015
Saturday, July 18, 2015
On Fighting Depression
I don't know who, if anyone knows, but I suffered from depression in my teens. It was an awful time. Met a therapist who, God love her, was fantastic. She taught me a lot. Said depression came and went over the years. Subsided for (most of) the time I was in G-town, but it's decided to rear it's ugly head lately. Two years being out of work, reduced funds and almost no social life will do that to ya.
Except...
Except now I saw it a *lot* more easily than I used to before. Not only was I aware it was/is happening, but I now have the tools to properly deal with it. It's funny, cause I think back in the day when I used to have it (when I was younger) and I had no idea what was happening; how to sort through my thoughts and feelings, how to approach it holistically and not by medication (to be fair, there was only one time I medicated), how *not* to think I was crazy.
Now?
Now I know I'm not crazy (okay, maybe that's still open for debate...teehee). Now I know how to approach mindfulness, either through quiet time, meditation or prayer. Now I know that by controlling my diet and activity, my energy and my body are a bit more relaxed. Now I know how important self-care is.
That's a lot to be thankful for.
The external circumstances haven't changed, but my outlook towards them has. The big message the universe is drilling through me is 'gratitude'. It's been happening for a while now; I'll always find something to be thankful for, even in the worst of situations, but it's continual now. Find gratitude. Find gratitude. Find gratitude. I almost feel this is my life purpose and I'm to bring this way of thinking to others. I'm only partly joking.
Find gratitude, and you will have (be given? I'm not sure of the right term here) grace. Grace, in turn, will continuously flow back to you.
Oprah once said, "Be grateful for what you have, and you will attract more to be grateful for." I whole-heartedly believe this. Why? Because it's proven itself in my life time and time again.
Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days. Sometimes our personal life situations (which in themselves are stressful, especially lately) are too much and I'm in tears. But I no longer 'wallow' in self-pity and sit and nom at a batch of cookie dough. I feel shitty for a day, maybe I cry, I move on... because now I know no other way. I've trained myself so well that I can't do that (wallowing) anymore in good conscience. I'm stronger than that and I know I deserve more than that. And I know those around me deserve more than that, too.
It's funny (though not at the time) that it sucks, cause when I'm low, I hate that I know I'm still strong. Sometimes you still want to bury yourself under a pile of blankets, not exist, eat a tub of Ben & Jerry's and feed into the self-loathing. Unfortunately that's too easy and I'm someone who likes a challenge. You just gotta keep on keepin' on.
We've also been sugar-free for over a month now and I wanted to do a blurb on the new opinions I've been having about the type of diet to have (not just me, but everyone), but perhaps when I find more time I will write another post.
Be well, people. Do something special for youself this weekend (an hour of quiet time sans kids? A walk through a city garden? Buy that one thing for the house you've had your eye on for a while? ). Then after you do that, pass it on and do a Random Act of Kindness for someone else. That'll make you feel good, too :)
Except...
Except now I saw it a *lot* more easily than I used to before. Not only was I aware it was/is happening, but I now have the tools to properly deal with it. It's funny, cause I think back in the day when I used to have it (when I was younger) and I had no idea what was happening; how to sort through my thoughts and feelings, how to approach it holistically and not by medication (to be fair, there was only one time I medicated), how *not* to think I was crazy.
Now?
Now I know I'm not crazy (okay, maybe that's still open for debate...teehee). Now I know how to approach mindfulness, either through quiet time, meditation or prayer. Now I know that by controlling my diet and activity, my energy and my body are a bit more relaxed. Now I know how important self-care is.
That's a lot to be thankful for.
The external circumstances haven't changed, but my outlook towards them has. The big message the universe is drilling through me is 'gratitude'. It's been happening for a while now; I'll always find something to be thankful for, even in the worst of situations, but it's continual now. Find gratitude. Find gratitude. Find gratitude. I almost feel this is my life purpose and I'm to bring this way of thinking to others. I'm only partly joking.
Find gratitude, and you will have (be given? I'm not sure of the right term here) grace. Grace, in turn, will continuously flow back to you.
Oprah once said, "Be grateful for what you have, and you will attract more to be grateful for." I whole-heartedly believe this. Why? Because it's proven itself in my life time and time again.
Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days. Sometimes our personal life situations (which in themselves are stressful, especially lately) are too much and I'm in tears. But I no longer 'wallow' in self-pity and sit and nom at a batch of cookie dough. I feel shitty for a day, maybe I cry, I move on... because now I know no other way. I've trained myself so well that I can't do that (wallowing) anymore in good conscience. I'm stronger than that and I know I deserve more than that. And I know those around me deserve more than that, too.
It's funny (though not at the time) that it sucks, cause when I'm low, I hate that I know I'm still strong. Sometimes you still want to bury yourself under a pile of blankets, not exist, eat a tub of Ben & Jerry's and feed into the self-loathing. Unfortunately that's too easy and I'm someone who likes a challenge. You just gotta keep on keepin' on.
We've also been sugar-free for over a month now and I wanted to do a blurb on the new opinions I've been having about the type of diet to have (not just me, but everyone), but perhaps when I find more time I will write another post.
Be well, people. Do something special for youself this weekend (an hour of quiet time sans kids? A walk through a city garden? Buy that one thing for the house you've had your eye on for a while? ). Then after you do that, pass it on and do a Random Act of Kindness for someone else. That'll make you feel good, too :)
Friday, June 26, 2015
Detoxing - What I've Learned So Far
It's been a while since you've heard from me, I know. It seems the more time goes on, the less time I have to blog. I have difficulty as of late prioritizing. That's not like me; I usually know what I want and in what order to do it in. The thing is, I have several issues that have (or are close to) similar priority, that that's when I have trouble deciding/choosing. So each day, if I don't pick what I want to focus on in the morning, I get overwhelmed about mid-day and don't become productive at all. Is my brain getting less functional as I get older??
I wanted to talk about the recent sugar detox we've been on, that you may or may not know about (via Facebook). Three weeks ago we cut out all sugars from our diet (otherwise known as a 'candida cleanse'). No refined sugar, no natural sugars (honey, agave, maple syrup, etc), no fruit, no breads, no alcohol of any form, no coffee, no processed (even sliced meat) or canned food with any form of sugar in it, no pastries or sweets (of course), no foods that have or are potential to molds (peanuts, black tea and mushrooms). I had an idea how much sugar was in everything because of my background, but it was an eye opener for W. He had no idea and I think went into a bit of shock. Gluten-free grains were permissible (buckwheat) and baking got a lot more creative (I now have a love for dates that provide sweetness).
The first week I detoxed pretty bad (him not as much). The second week came along better, especially near the end of the second week when we introduced agave, green apples (low pectin) and yogurt (allowed; probiotics). (Third week included spelt.) You'd be surprised how much that opens up your menu options. The first couple weeks were hell. I hate meal planning on the best of days, but this was torture. Into week three we've brought in all fruit but limit consumption to max one serving a day. For now.
Coming onto the end of week three we're doing *really* well. No sweet cravings, still holding fast to no sugar or sugar in processed products. I've gone from severe detox symptoms (horrible digestion, headaches, skin itchiness, etc) to none of those anymore (except digestion is still not perfect), PLUS I feel lighter, can sit/stand up straight with my shoulders back easier and have slightly more energy. My anxiety? I'd say 60-70% reduced. I can't tell you how much a relief that is and how much "weight" that takes off my being. Oh weight; I've lost 2 kilos (approx 4.5 lbs) to date and holding steady. W. didn't have many health issues aside from eczema on his head and even that is starting to clear up. I think our bodies are still detoxing. We've had *such* a build-up of by-products of sugar in our bodies, they're still trying to harmonize themselves with the new way. And even if you don't believe that, I believe 100% that our bodies are learning to function differently without the dependence of sugar and what it does to our individual organs (thus creating a domino effect with others). W. said he's actually 'tasting' food for the first time as it is. His entire life has consisted of processed foods and frequent desserts after dinner that he didn't know what real food tasted like. And now he's starting to see. How fantastic is that?! He's *really* learning a new relationship with food and I think that's so wonderful.
A detox, by definition, is impermanent. We're in the midst of deciding our long-term goals. The more we stay away from societal (incl. BigAg, BigSug, BigPharm, etc) dietary pressures, the more I feel back to nature, more harmonized, Reading 'Nourishing Traditions' is also helping a lot (thanks to a borrowed copy from a friend). It's causing me to look more at the source of my food (buy local!), develop deeper relationships with my green grocer and butcher and spend a LOT more time in the kitchen since we're on a whole-food diet. A win-win all around, I think. Long term I would like us to stay away from refined sugar and try to stay closer to natural sugars. Baking will become a challenge for me if not downright impossible. I know there will be social situations when eating processed products, breads or sweets is inevitable, but I'm okay with that. Then we can go back to the way we want to eat. I don't think those days are bad, but I'd like to keep them more in check than before. I don't know; this is something we'll have to discuss further.
Oh, something else detoxing has taught me: my relationship to food based on mood. I'll go straight for the chocolate if I'm sad, depressed or otherwise down. Like a moth to a flame. I noticed that a lot since of course, I couldn't go for the chocolate at certain times. I miss coffee. A lot. Still. I'm not ready to try it again yet since I fear I would develop another dependence to it (which would also do no favour to my digestive system). We have cheat days, but the 'cheating' is minor; a square of good quality dark chocolate for me, black tea for him.
So, on that note I shall get on with my day. I have a sink of dishes waiting for me and have to choose my "priorities" for the day. I hope you have a FABULOUS weekend. We're hoping to do something a little more cultural this weekend; it feels like it's been a while. And God-willing if the sun is out and the rain has stopped, stay outside a bit more.
I wanted to talk about the recent sugar detox we've been on, that you may or may not know about (via Facebook). Three weeks ago we cut out all sugars from our diet (otherwise known as a 'candida cleanse'). No refined sugar, no natural sugars (honey, agave, maple syrup, etc), no fruit, no breads, no alcohol of any form, no coffee, no processed (even sliced meat) or canned food with any form of sugar in it, no pastries or sweets (of course), no foods that have or are potential to molds (peanuts, black tea and mushrooms). I had an idea how much sugar was in everything because of my background, but it was an eye opener for W. He had no idea and I think went into a bit of shock. Gluten-free grains were permissible (buckwheat) and baking got a lot more creative (I now have a love for dates that provide sweetness).
The first week I detoxed pretty bad (him not as much). The second week came along better, especially near the end of the second week when we introduced agave, green apples (low pectin) and yogurt (allowed; probiotics). (Third week included spelt.) You'd be surprised how much that opens up your menu options. The first couple weeks were hell. I hate meal planning on the best of days, but this was torture. Into week three we've brought in all fruit but limit consumption to max one serving a day. For now.
Coming onto the end of week three we're doing *really* well. No sweet cravings, still holding fast to no sugar or sugar in processed products. I've gone from severe detox symptoms (horrible digestion, headaches, skin itchiness, etc) to none of those anymore (except digestion is still not perfect), PLUS I feel lighter, can sit/stand up straight with my shoulders back easier and have slightly more energy. My anxiety? I'd say 60-70% reduced. I can't tell you how much a relief that is and how much "weight" that takes off my being. Oh weight; I've lost 2 kilos (approx 4.5 lbs) to date and holding steady. W. didn't have many health issues aside from eczema on his head and even that is starting to clear up. I think our bodies are still detoxing. We've had *such* a build-up of by-products of sugar in our bodies, they're still trying to harmonize themselves with the new way. And even if you don't believe that, I believe 100% that our bodies are learning to function differently without the dependence of sugar and what it does to our individual organs (thus creating a domino effect with others). W. said he's actually 'tasting' food for the first time as it is. His entire life has consisted of processed foods and frequent desserts after dinner that he didn't know what real food tasted like. And now he's starting to see. How fantastic is that?! He's *really* learning a new relationship with food and I think that's so wonderful.
A detox, by definition, is impermanent. We're in the midst of deciding our long-term goals. The more we stay away from societal (incl. BigAg, BigSug, BigPharm, etc) dietary pressures, the more I feel back to nature, more harmonized, Reading 'Nourishing Traditions' is also helping a lot (thanks to a borrowed copy from a friend). It's causing me to look more at the source of my food (buy local!), develop deeper relationships with my green grocer and butcher and spend a LOT more time in the kitchen since we're on a whole-food diet. A win-win all around, I think. Long term I would like us to stay away from refined sugar and try to stay closer to natural sugars. Baking will become a challenge for me if not downright impossible. I know there will be social situations when eating processed products, breads or sweets is inevitable, but I'm okay with that. Then we can go back to the way we want to eat. I don't think those days are bad, but I'd like to keep them more in check than before. I don't know; this is something we'll have to discuss further.
Oh, something else detoxing has taught me: my relationship to food based on mood. I'll go straight for the chocolate if I'm sad, depressed or otherwise down. Like a moth to a flame. I noticed that a lot since of course, I couldn't go for the chocolate at certain times. I miss coffee. A lot. Still. I'm not ready to try it again yet since I fear I would develop another dependence to it (which would also do no favour to my digestive system). We have cheat days, but the 'cheating' is minor; a square of good quality dark chocolate for me, black tea for him.
So, on that note I shall get on with my day. I have a sink of dishes waiting for me and have to choose my "priorities" for the day. I hope you have a FABULOUS weekend. We're hoping to do something a little more cultural this weekend; it feels like it's been a while. And God-willing if the sun is out and the rain has stopped, stay outside a bit more.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Past Demons
So the other day when I received my new (old) phone from my dad (I got his old iPhone 4S since mine went kaput), there was a thumb drive in the box. I was excited to look at the pictures, not even being able to imagine what they could have been of.
Ha! They were of when I was a kid. I'd say from around... 3? 4? (Man, I was so adorable.) To about... 13? Maybe 14 is pushing it. (Also, the haircut I had at a certain age.. I think it was around.. 10? Will never. be. published. I think my mother and I need to have a talk.)
First thing I notice: I'm wearing shorts. I don't mean just shorts, but short-shorts, that were characteristic of the 80's (and the jelly shoes.. omg. Anyways..). Following thought process: People who wear shorts or short-shorts are usually thinner. Wait.. I was wearing short-shorts. WAIT A MINUTE... I WAS......THIN! (Let me preface this by stating I wasn't "thin" like skinny-people/skin-and/bones thin, but was very healthy and "normal" looking and nothing that would tell you I would have a future of being overweight).
Commence complex.
*flips through pictures*
Oh.. jelly bracelets. I remember those. Wow, I wore it all, didn't I? The iconic 80's child.
Oh! I *loved* that bathing suit! Haha.. yeah.. we used that slip-n-slide a lot.
Wait. Bathing suit. Did I have a complex about my self-image in that bathing suit? I don't *think* so. But, maybe I did a little and I was too young to care. I don't know.
Oh, there's dad's Labatt 50's on the picnic table. God love him. I remember one day when I was like.. 4? He let me have a sip of that '50. Thus my drinking career started early ;)
Pics of us in Algonquin Park. We really did love that water. I *loved* canoeing.
Wait.. I wore pixie boots? Buahahaha. Oh wow.
Aww.. my grandma and grandpa W. *sniff*
I knew I was different, but I couldn't place how. I was significantly taller than most kids we hung out with at my dad's, including my (step, both) brother and sister. They were short (I think I still have them beat. My sister, anyways). So I remember always feeling.. out of proportion (read: growing). But *never* unhealthy and never... fat. Fat came later.
I can't tell you the exact day or time things turned. I can tell you by the pictures I started to put on a couple more pounds at around 13? Definitely 14. But I was still.. fairly 'normal' looking. All I remember is being made to feel by family (more so the house I grew up in, than at my dad's)... not normal and always being "chunky" or having "a few extra pounds" or... /insert criticism here/. I can inflect that it was a certain family member, but I'll stop while I'm ahead.
Demons. I had voices in my head about not being enough at an age where I should have been told I *was* enough and that I *was* healthy, etc etc. Someone decided to inflect their opinions and their own demons on MY life. And of course, enter highschool where judgement is everywhere and it all went downhill from there. The mental and emotional abuse that occurred in the home goes without saying (towards contributing). Without a frequent enough support system and healthy way of viewing the self, I was pre-destined to fail.
Remember that complex I started having? Well, I failed. In this category, it has been a constant battle for 25 years.. and I failed. I'm probably at my worse weight to date and have picked up extra health ailments along the way for fun. Don't worry, the self-criticism will stop soon (another bonus from my past). Now I have to re-write those demons. Or really.. tell them to fuck off. Because that's all they are. Demons. They're as big or as little as I want them to be. HOW to tell them to take a hike, I haven't worked that out yet. Is it that simple? Do I just tell them they're not serving me anymore and to leave? I don't know. More of a stark realization, is seeing that they're mostly someone else's demons/voices. Mine just learned to come along for the ride. Oh, and of course pick up the slack when those real voices weren't as strong... cause... apparently I'm a glutton for punishment. Learned behaviour is.. learned. Always have some sort of negative attention.
Anyhoo... I can step back and realize I'm blessed I've seen the bigger picture. I've seen it wasn't me. I've seen I *was* enough just as I was at (eg) 8 years old. I have a lot of work to sooth and console the inner child. I'll need to give her some extra attention in the immediate future. I'll challenge every self-critical thought I have.
What is the 'silver lining' that I so often see, here? Hmm. It's obviously made me who I am today, but I am quick to say that "that" part of me I don't love so much (quick with the self-criticism there). But how else has it served me? How else has it shaped who I've become? This answer isn't so quick to the tongue, so I'll have to sit with it a while.
And by God, I'll do everything in my power to not become the 'parent' to W's 3 boys like how some others were parents to me. I won't continue that pattern of handing-down demons. I'm not perfect, and I might even fail sometimes, but I'll be quick to forgive and repair it when I can.
Challenge where your inner demons come from. Ask yourself if they're serving you any purpose. If they're not, tell yourself it's okay to let them go. Really. It's okay.
It's the First Sunday of Advent this weekend. I do love Christmas in the Church; it's so magical. Find your faith, whatever it is, and find those that care about you and surround yourself with them. Life is too short to live by someone else's fears and anger.
Ha! They were of when I was a kid. I'd say from around... 3? 4? (Man, I was so adorable.) To about... 13? Maybe 14 is pushing it. (Also, the haircut I had at a certain age.. I think it was around.. 10? Will never. be. published. I think my mother and I need to have a talk.)
First thing I notice: I'm wearing shorts. I don't mean just shorts, but short-shorts, that were characteristic of the 80's (and the jelly shoes.. omg. Anyways..). Following thought process: People who wear shorts or short-shorts are usually thinner. Wait.. I was wearing short-shorts. WAIT A MINUTE... I WAS......THIN! (Let me preface this by stating I wasn't "thin" like skinny-people/skin-and/bones thin, but was very healthy and "normal" looking and nothing that would tell you I would have a future of being overweight).
Commence complex.
*flips through pictures*
Oh.. jelly bracelets. I remember those. Wow, I wore it all, didn't I? The iconic 80's child.
Oh! I *loved* that bathing suit! Haha.. yeah.. we used that slip-n-slide a lot.
Wait. Bathing suit. Did I have a complex about my self-image in that bathing suit? I don't *think* so. But, maybe I did a little and I was too young to care. I don't know.
Oh, there's dad's Labatt 50's on the picnic table. God love him. I remember one day when I was like.. 4? He let me have a sip of that '50. Thus my drinking career started early ;)
Pics of us in Algonquin Park. We really did love that water. I *loved* canoeing.
Wait.. I wore pixie boots? Buahahaha. Oh wow.
Aww.. my grandma and grandpa W. *sniff*
I knew I was different, but I couldn't place how. I was significantly taller than most kids we hung out with at my dad's, including my (step, both) brother and sister. They were short (I think I still have them beat. My sister, anyways). So I remember always feeling.. out of proportion (read: growing). But *never* unhealthy and never... fat. Fat came later.
I can't tell you the exact day or time things turned. I can tell you by the pictures I started to put on a couple more pounds at around 13? Definitely 14. But I was still.. fairly 'normal' looking. All I remember is being made to feel by family (more so the house I grew up in, than at my dad's)... not normal and always being "chunky" or having "a few extra pounds" or... /insert criticism here/. I can inflect that it was a certain family member, but I'll stop while I'm ahead.
Demons. I had voices in my head about not being enough at an age where I should have been told I *was* enough and that I *was* healthy, etc etc. Someone decided to inflect their opinions and their own demons on MY life. And of course, enter highschool where judgement is everywhere and it all went downhill from there. The mental and emotional abuse that occurred in the home goes without saying (towards contributing). Without a frequent enough support system and healthy way of viewing the self, I was pre-destined to fail.
Remember that complex I started having? Well, I failed. In this category, it has been a constant battle for 25 years.. and I failed. I'm probably at my worse weight to date and have picked up extra health ailments along the way for fun. Don't worry, the self-criticism will stop soon (another bonus from my past). Now I have to re-write those demons. Or really.. tell them to fuck off. Because that's all they are. Demons. They're as big or as little as I want them to be. HOW to tell them to take a hike, I haven't worked that out yet. Is it that simple? Do I just tell them they're not serving me anymore and to leave? I don't know. More of a stark realization, is seeing that they're mostly someone else's demons/voices. Mine just learned to come along for the ride. Oh, and of course pick up the slack when those real voices weren't as strong... cause... apparently I'm a glutton for punishment. Learned behaviour is.. learned. Always have some sort of negative attention.
Anyhoo... I can step back and realize I'm blessed I've seen the bigger picture. I've seen it wasn't me. I've seen I *was* enough just as I was at (eg) 8 years old. I have a lot of work to sooth and console the inner child. I'll need to give her some extra attention in the immediate future. I'll challenge every self-critical thought I have.
What is the 'silver lining' that I so often see, here? Hmm. It's obviously made me who I am today, but I am quick to say that "that" part of me I don't love so much (quick with the self-criticism there). But how else has it served me? How else has it shaped who I've become? This answer isn't so quick to the tongue, so I'll have to sit with it a while.
And by God, I'll do everything in my power to not become the 'parent' to W's 3 boys like how some others were parents to me. I won't continue that pattern of handing-down demons. I'm not perfect, and I might even fail sometimes, but I'll be quick to forgive and repair it when I can.
Challenge where your inner demons come from. Ask yourself if they're serving you any purpose. If they're not, tell yourself it's okay to let them go. Really. It's okay.
It's the First Sunday of Advent this weekend. I do love Christmas in the Church; it's so magical. Find your faith, whatever it is, and find those that care about you and surround yourself with them. Life is too short to live by someone else's fears and anger.
Monday, August 4, 2014
Life Continues
I'm going to discuss various things today. Jumping around health, cultural differences and... who knows what else. Get comfy. It's a long'un.
Life has been pretty good lately. It's summer, so that means holidays. The north takes their holidays now, and in a week or two, the south take theirs, all for like, 3 weeks or something. I might not be spot-on about that, but it's close. And weird. I explained in Canada while the majority like to take a couple weeks in the summer off, we basically take them when we want. The plus is you know everyone's on holidays and expect that things are a bit slower. The con is... you know everyone's on holidays and expect things to take s-l-o-w-e-r. I digress.
The weather has been pretty fantastic. It's been hovering anywhere from 23-28. We've had a couple hot weeks in there, but nothing has beat an Ontario summer. Really. When it's hot it's hot, don't get me wrong, but the humidity cannot be matched. Yet. I hope not ever. We had two random downpours in the middle of the night and the last heatwave just broke. Ahhh.
So remember me telling you about going to my doc, explaining that my monthly issues were rather painful and really getting nothing in response? Well, she had the heart to send me to a gynaecologist. Thank goodness for that. Went to the specialist (if you're on Facebook you saw my pictures of the hospital cafeteria - O.M.G) and I got answers *on the day*. I'm not kidding. I was in shock. Never in Canada would I have gotten results that quick and decisive. I had an exam and she showed me the ultrasound while it happened and explained to me what she saw; what was normal, what wasn't so much. She had an idea what it was when we first started talking, but post-examination she confirmed: PCOS. I had a diagnosis. Cure? There isn't one. Treatment: painkillers. Naturally, the pill and IUD etc were advised, but I dismissed them as treatment options. All I care most is about controlling the pain, not as much regulating my cycle (it would be nice, but it's not a priority). First was shock. Then there was validation; I wasn't crazy, the pain is real and someone actually HEARD what I was telling them. Then anger; my body was fighting against itself. That's not cool and there's not a damn thing I can do to stop it (unbeknownst to me). I think I've finally come around to acceptance.
I've gone to a couple get-togethers and have met some more people. Expats, mostly. I'm still not social a fraction of what I used to be in Canada, which has been something to get used to, but it is what it is. Oh! I have met one of my neighbours on a walk, though. Very nice man with very good English (and he has a cute dog). I try to be social when I can and I have been trying to come out of my shell more to talk to the locals. I've been enjoying developing my new friendships. In fact, I had a party for my one year here (sorry I didn't post that day to celebrate it, but, life y'know? Also.. it was July 4th) and some of my new closest friends came. Not everyone was able to make it, but we still had a great turnout (for the size of our apartment vs people not being squished) of 10 (and omg presents!). I made the food stuffs, a basic spread on the table (and I made a strawberry-mint water that I couldn't keep full, it was going over so well, very refreshing!!) and we sat around and talked. Everyone got to know someone new and they interacted with each other very easily. I was asked to give a speech and one of the things I said was that meeting such wonderful people helped ease the void of missing my other friends in Canada so much, making it just a *little* bit easier. It's a compliment to the new people and an ode to the old; you guys gave high standards to live up to and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I miss you all dearly and you cannot be replaced. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
Did I mention a possible trip in September? Perhaps I did, but I still will not disclose my location until it becomes final. I'm waiting on good 'ol goverment of Canada to finish my taxes and deposit them in time. C'moooooon CRA.
At the end of my party I noticed someone exchanging business cards. I thought it was wonderful that people were networking. This gave me an idea. As a side tangent, W and I got talking last night about how to be successful in selling your product or service and what some of the keys are of making that a success. Marketing, we decided was one. You can even have, say, an average product, but HOW that product is marketed - clean, polished, professional - can make or break you. You know the others in the list: word of mouth, certain professional habits you can acquire as a person, self-confidence (or even a 'fake it till you make it' mentality) etc etc. But it got me thinking; what if I held a networking party? A couple people I know are out of work (me included) and the others are able or looking for additional work. I'm starting to very much believe in asking for help and support from those around me; without that I don't think success is (as) possible. Who's skills can I enlist in my baking-from-home to help me be successful? But I'm rambling. What do you think? Is this a good idea?
COOLers, please pray for me. My spiritual life has been dry again and I have not had the dicipline to get my arse to church. *sighs, ashamed* I have said a couple basic prayers, but nothing of substance. It really sucks being so far away from a church. An excuse? Perhaps. Reality? Definitely.
Well, I think I'm going to list cultural differences in another email. This one is long already!
Happy Monday!
Life has been pretty good lately. It's summer, so that means holidays. The north takes their holidays now, and in a week or two, the south take theirs, all for like, 3 weeks or something. I might not be spot-on about that, but it's close. And weird. I explained in Canada while the majority like to take a couple weeks in the summer off, we basically take them when we want. The plus is you know everyone's on holidays and expect that things are a bit slower. The con is... you know everyone's on holidays and expect things to take s-l-o-w-e-r. I digress.
The weather has been pretty fantastic. It's been hovering anywhere from 23-28. We've had a couple hot weeks in there, but nothing has beat an Ontario summer. Really. When it's hot it's hot, don't get me wrong, but the humidity cannot be matched. Yet. I hope not ever. We had two random downpours in the middle of the night and the last heatwave just broke. Ahhh.
So remember me telling you about going to my doc, explaining that my monthly issues were rather painful and really getting nothing in response? Well, she had the heart to send me to a gynaecologist. Thank goodness for that. Went to the specialist (if you're on Facebook you saw my pictures of the hospital cafeteria - O.M.G) and I got answers *on the day*. I'm not kidding. I was in shock. Never in Canada would I have gotten results that quick and decisive. I had an exam and she showed me the ultrasound while it happened and explained to me what she saw; what was normal, what wasn't so much. She had an idea what it was when we first started talking, but post-examination she confirmed: PCOS. I had a diagnosis. Cure? There isn't one. Treatment: painkillers. Naturally, the pill and IUD etc were advised, but I dismissed them as treatment options. All I care most is about controlling the pain, not as much regulating my cycle (it would be nice, but it's not a priority). First was shock. Then there was validation; I wasn't crazy, the pain is real and someone actually HEARD what I was telling them. Then anger; my body was fighting against itself. That's not cool and there's not a damn thing I can do to stop it (unbeknownst to me). I think I've finally come around to acceptance.
I've gone to a couple get-togethers and have met some more people. Expats, mostly. I'm still not social a fraction of what I used to be in Canada, which has been something to get used to, but it is what it is. Oh! I have met one of my neighbours on a walk, though. Very nice man with very good English (and he has a cute dog). I try to be social when I can and I have been trying to come out of my shell more to talk to the locals. I've been enjoying developing my new friendships. In fact, I had a party for my one year here (sorry I didn't post that day to celebrate it, but, life y'know? Also.. it was July 4th) and some of my new closest friends came. Not everyone was able to make it, but we still had a great turnout (for the size of our apartment vs people not being squished) of 10 (and omg presents!). I made the food stuffs, a basic spread on the table (and I made a strawberry-mint water that I couldn't keep full, it was going over so well, very refreshing!!) and we sat around and talked. Everyone got to know someone new and they interacted with each other very easily. I was asked to give a speech and one of the things I said was that meeting such wonderful people helped ease the void of missing my other friends in Canada so much, making it just a *little* bit easier. It's a compliment to the new people and an ode to the old; you guys gave high standards to live up to and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I miss you all dearly and you cannot be replaced. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
Did I mention a possible trip in September? Perhaps I did, but I still will not disclose my location until it becomes final. I'm waiting on good 'ol goverment of Canada to finish my taxes and deposit them in time. C'moooooon CRA.
At the end of my party I noticed someone exchanging business cards. I thought it was wonderful that people were networking. This gave me an idea. As a side tangent, W and I got talking last night about how to be successful in selling your product or service and what some of the keys are of making that a success. Marketing, we decided was one. You can even have, say, an average product, but HOW that product is marketed - clean, polished, professional - can make or break you. You know the others in the list: word of mouth, certain professional habits you can acquire as a person, self-confidence (or even a 'fake it till you make it' mentality) etc etc. But it got me thinking; what if I held a networking party? A couple people I know are out of work (me included) and the others are able or looking for additional work. I'm starting to very much believe in asking for help and support from those around me; without that I don't think success is (as) possible. Who's skills can I enlist in my baking-from-home to help me be successful? But I'm rambling. What do you think? Is this a good idea?
COOLers, please pray for me. My spiritual life has been dry again and I have not had the dicipline to get my arse to church. *sighs, ashamed* I have said a couple basic prayers, but nothing of substance. It really sucks being so far away from a church. An excuse? Perhaps. Reality? Definitely.
Well, I think I'm going to list cultural differences in another email. This one is long already!
Happy Monday!
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Medical...Non Interference
Today's post is coming with a bit of a vent. Warning: there might be language. I'm pissed. Also.. this has to do with female issues, so if you're squeamish (not that there will be much detail), move along.
I'm calling it a matter that I'm passionate about because... it's about me and my body. Go figure I would have strong opinions about this. How could I, when the western (Western? Does Western have a capitol at this point?) medical profession usually scuttles me through the system (I think I should type it as, The System. It almost has a body of it's own, doesn't it...) as if I have no voice? Maybe I should duct tape an 'x' over my mouth. That's right; I don't have a voice because you're (the doctor) not fucking listening anyways.
I went to the doc this morning to do a checkup on my Vitamin D levels. Three months ago we found they were exceptionally low and have since been taking supplements (and getting lots of sun, of course). I thought we would do new blood tests to check my current levels, but as soon as I told her I was feeling much better for having done so, it didn't seem to cause her concern. So.. do I keep taking the supplements or don't I? I'm confused about this and received no feedback.
Next, I'd given her a list of symptoms I've been having the past 5 months about my cycle, that in some ways have been getting increasingly worse (including pain). I was given a (very) brief exam (literally, 2 seconds) and I was told the following....
1) "Every woman experiences pain during her cycle"
a) What I heard -> I'm going to dismiss your pain because it sounds normal, regardless of the fact you told me you're doubled over in pain and it feels like / this... / (description held back from the squeamish)
2) Go on the pill. It's the first thing we prescribe.
b) What I heard -> We have learned to medicate everything, so I'm going to do that in this case, too, without asking further questions.
3) ..silence..
c) What I heard -> When you ask me what's causing this pain, I've learned to shake my head and keep in silence because I wouldn't be considered a strong medical professional or person if I told you: I'm sorry, but I really don't know.. because that's our culture and how I've been trained.
Let me be clear; the symtpoms I gave her are *not* normal. I'm getting so sick and tired of how the Western medical system pushes you through not caring about what's causing your dis-ease, and medicating to cover it up so it's not an issue anymore. That cyst or tumor you have? Oh, we'll get around to it. *said issue explodes* I'm sorry, you're dead now because we've become complacent.
Now medical professionals, don't go hatin'. I've worked in health care long enough to know how the system works and I'm *not* discounting the fact that doctors are very intelligent and that some *do* care. We see them for a reason, right? I'm allowed (right now) to bitch as a patient. This is the only body I have, and I have to honour it by keeping it as healthy as I can. I don't feel like the current health care System is fucking listening to me; the very same System that was built to care for me when I feel frail, weak, sick, ill, unwell in any way, or at worse, terminal. So how is it servicing me right now? This is the one System that many people lean on for support and care. When you get 10 minutes with a doctor, how are you supposed to connect? How are they supposed to understand what's going on?*
Now, having said all of that, I do see a Japanese acupuncturist. It's the first time ever (I've been seeing him almost a year now) that I've been seeing someone for alternative care (besides chiropractor). I can't say enough about it. TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine - and yes, I'm quoting 2 different Eastern medicines, but they do treat along the same values) treats the whole person, not just the dis-ease or symptoms. My acupuncturist has gotten to know me, my disposition, personality and my habits (eating, etc). He knows when A is off, it's causing a ripple effect for B to be off or out of balance. So you're thinking, why am I bitching about my doctor to begin with when I can just see my acupuncturist? Because (while not necessary) he can treat me better when there's official diagnosis.
After some pushing with my doctor, she's referring me to a gynaecologist to do an ultrasound. That makes me somewhat happy. I can't say I'll stop pushing for answers after that (if it shows nothing), but it's a start.
I'm just so fucking tired of not being listened to about my symptoms. Don't dismiss what I'm telling you as normal when you know damn well it's not! I just don't get it.. and it upsets me greatly. It makes me very sad.
Anyways, that's my rant for today. I'm curious if you've had similar experiences, or if there are medical professionals, what your opinion or take on this is.
*Disclaimer; I do like my current doctor for the most part and she's nice enough to get to know me a bit and ask questions at the beginning of an app't. I will say that for her. She has also been right about things in the past. Still, her approach to healthcare is representative of the culture they were raised. She's a bit older and I'm not sure if newer younger doctors come with a different approach.
I'm calling it a matter that I'm passionate about because... it's about me and my body. Go figure I would have strong opinions about this. How could I, when the western (Western? Does Western have a capitol at this point?) medical profession usually scuttles me through the system (I think I should type it as, The System. It almost has a body of it's own, doesn't it...) as if I have no voice? Maybe I should duct tape an 'x' over my mouth. That's right; I don't have a voice because you're (the doctor) not fucking listening anyways.
I went to the doc this morning to do a checkup on my Vitamin D levels. Three months ago we found they were exceptionally low and have since been taking supplements (and getting lots of sun, of course). I thought we would do new blood tests to check my current levels, but as soon as I told her I was feeling much better for having done so, it didn't seem to cause her concern. So.. do I keep taking the supplements or don't I? I'm confused about this and received no feedback.
Next, I'd given her a list of symptoms I've been having the past 5 months about my cycle, that in some ways have been getting increasingly worse (including pain). I was given a (very) brief exam (literally, 2 seconds) and I was told the following....
1) "Every woman experiences pain during her cycle"
a) What I heard -> I'm going to dismiss your pain because it sounds normal, regardless of the fact you told me you're doubled over in pain and it feels like / this... / (description held back from the squeamish)
2) Go on the pill. It's the first thing we prescribe.
b) What I heard -> We have learned to medicate everything, so I'm going to do that in this case, too, without asking further questions.
3) ..silence..
c) What I heard -> When you ask me what's causing this pain, I've learned to shake my head and keep in silence because I wouldn't be considered a strong medical professional or person if I told you: I'm sorry, but I really don't know.. because that's our culture and how I've been trained.
Let me be clear; the symtpoms I gave her are *not* normal. I'm getting so sick and tired of how the Western medical system pushes you through not caring about what's causing your dis-ease, and medicating to cover it up so it's not an issue anymore. That cyst or tumor you have? Oh, we'll get around to it. *said issue explodes* I'm sorry, you're dead now because we've become complacent.
Now medical professionals, don't go hatin'. I've worked in health care long enough to know how the system works and I'm *not* discounting the fact that doctors are very intelligent and that some *do* care. We see them for a reason, right? I'm allowed (right now) to bitch as a patient. This is the only body I have, and I have to honour it by keeping it as healthy as I can. I don't feel like the current health care System is fucking listening to me; the very same System that was built to care for me when I feel frail, weak, sick, ill, unwell in any way, or at worse, terminal. So how is it servicing me right now? This is the one System that many people lean on for support and care. When you get 10 minutes with a doctor, how are you supposed to connect? How are they supposed to understand what's going on?*
Now, having said all of that, I do see a Japanese acupuncturist. It's the first time ever (I've been seeing him almost a year now) that I've been seeing someone for alternative care (besides chiropractor). I can't say enough about it. TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine - and yes, I'm quoting 2 different Eastern medicines, but they do treat along the same values) treats the whole person, not just the dis-ease or symptoms. My acupuncturist has gotten to know me, my disposition, personality and my habits (eating, etc). He knows when A is off, it's causing a ripple effect for B to be off or out of balance. So you're thinking, why am I bitching about my doctor to begin with when I can just see my acupuncturist? Because (while not necessary) he can treat me better when there's official diagnosis.
After some pushing with my doctor, she's referring me to a gynaecologist to do an ultrasound. That makes me somewhat happy. I can't say I'll stop pushing for answers after that (if it shows nothing), but it's a start.
I'm just so fucking tired of not being listened to about my symptoms. Don't dismiss what I'm telling you as normal when you know damn well it's not! I just don't get it.. and it upsets me greatly. It makes me very sad.
Anyways, that's my rant for today. I'm curious if you've had similar experiences, or if there are medical professionals, what your opinion or take on this is.
*Disclaimer; I do like my current doctor for the most part and she's nice enough to get to know me a bit and ask questions at the beginning of an app't. I will say that for her. She has also been right about things in the past. Still, her approach to healthcare is representative of the culture they were raised. She's a bit older and I'm not sure if newer younger doctors come with a different approach.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Babble
It's overcast again today. The weather is ubiquitous" with the region; rainy, as you hear it is. I forget how many days it's rained in a row. I've lost track.
Not much to write about today. I'm still struggling with the thought process "admitting I'm overwhelmed is a sign of weakness" and I've been thinking more (conciously, if that makes sense) about the move and it's going quite well. I'm "re"adjusting. Or is that re-re-adjusting? Anyways, I'm embracing the change one day at a time... and now... it's time to push through. Next week I will be getting my feet wet and going with a friend to find out if I can volunteer with the retirement home in town.
I need to generate an income as things are tight, so I've been looking into working from home and selling my baking. Unlike back home, apparently you don't have to have a registered (Health & Safety) kitchen to do so (though I believe the rules change if you do catering). This is nice to know. I think I will need to register as a business, though, as I'll need to advertise, do electronic payments and declare my income. What rules are attached to requirements of a business (min work hours per week, etc) still need to be further researched.
I think importing maple syrup is not a wise business proposition. This makes me a little sad. I did a bit of research with expats and they all seem to know where to find maple syrup (usually from Canada; sometimes not), so I wouldn't have cornered the market like I thought I would. I'm not laying the idea to rest yet, but I'm not sure now is the right time.
My energy has been beyond low lately; I don't feel like doing *anything*. Haven't been very productive at home. W. says he's been feeling the same, so I think we'll start taking Vit D supplements. I know my B12 has not caught up yet (my doctor and I have agreed to disagree on his dosage recommendation) so I might take supplements for that as well. Not feeling energetic/motivated has also dampened my desire to go to a gym. If I don't have energy for things around the house, how am I supposed to find the energy to work out? ...despite the desire. With the added weight, worsening body image and lack of desire, I'm going to head straight into a depression if I'm not careful.
On that happy note, I think I might go make lunch. Then after - cupcakes with buttercream icing! Yum! I've been putting this recipe off far too long so it's time.
It's Wednesday, so we're almost there! Hope the rest of the week goes smoothly for you!
Not much to write about today. I'm still struggling with the thought process "admitting I'm overwhelmed is a sign of weakness" and I've been thinking more (conciously, if that makes sense) about the move and it's going quite well. I'm "re"adjusting. Or is that re-re-adjusting? Anyways, I'm embracing the change one day at a time... and now... it's time to push through. Next week I will be getting my feet wet and going with a friend to find out if I can volunteer with the retirement home in town.
I need to generate an income as things are tight, so I've been looking into working from home and selling my baking. Unlike back home, apparently you don't have to have a registered (Health & Safety) kitchen to do so (though I believe the rules change if you do catering). This is nice to know. I think I will need to register as a business, though, as I'll need to advertise, do electronic payments and declare my income. What rules are attached to requirements of a business (min work hours per week, etc) still need to be further researched.
I think importing maple syrup is not a wise business proposition. This makes me a little sad. I did a bit of research with expats and they all seem to know where to find maple syrup (usually from Canada; sometimes not), so I wouldn't have cornered the market like I thought I would. I'm not laying the idea to rest yet, but I'm not sure now is the right time.
My energy has been beyond low lately; I don't feel like doing *anything*. Haven't been very productive at home. W. says he's been feeling the same, so I think we'll start taking Vit D supplements. I know my B12 has not caught up yet (my doctor and I have agreed to disagree on his dosage recommendation) so I might take supplements for that as well. Not feeling energetic/motivated has also dampened my desire to go to a gym. If I don't have energy for things around the house, how am I supposed to find the energy to work out? ...despite the desire. With the added weight, worsening body image and lack of desire, I'm going to head straight into a depression if I'm not careful.
On that happy note, I think I might go make lunch. Then after - cupcakes with buttercream icing! Yum! I've been putting this recipe off far too long so it's time.
It's Wednesday, so we're almost there! Hope the rest of the week goes smoothly for you!
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Starting Over
There are a hundred titles I've thought of for this post...
"Overwhelm"
"Breaking Through"
"Guilt"
"Vulnerability"
"Courage"
"Honesty"
I can't decide.
With a bit of a breakdown this morning, I had a bit of a breakthrough (they go hand-in-hand, I think. I'm also channelling my inner Brené Brown). What started as an email to a friend about a lack-lustre prayer life, ended up turning into a confessional. Except not so much to them, as to myself. I'd given a voice to what has been silently bothering me for the last 3 months. With my lack of talking to friends (like, real conversations, I don't mean "how are you liking it there? or What's different? or How's the weather?")** or blogging, I've been keeping inside what (I think) makes me - me; expressing my vulnerability, really talking about life and it's meaning or impact on ourselves or each other or challenging ourselves. Needless to say I've been stuck in my head a lot... and for whoever's been there... that's *not* a good thing. After said email, I spoke to a friend who gave me things I needed to hear and helped raise some awareness. So it's time for me to get honest. Brutal truth, guys. Brace yourselves (or maybe I should...) :/
I'm overwhelmed.
I feel stuck.
I shut off way too often (Facebook? Pinterest, anyone?).
I rush through situations that are uncomfortable (usually per language barriers).
I see my admitting overwhelm as a sign of weakness and it is attached with guilt (how can I feel overwhelmed? I'm not working a 50-hr week, have 5 projects on the go or involved with 3 clubs).
I've been using food as comfort (my ever-expanding waistline is a proving indication).
I've had much higher expectations of myself coming here than I was willing to admit (part inflicted by me, part inflicted by society and friends).
The kicker is I hide all of those points. Even to W. sometimes (s'ok, you can judge).
I have now been challenged to re-write what I see as 'overwhelm' and conversely, 'successful'.
Overwhelm is not always having 50 things on the go. Sometimes overwhelm is having one major thing on the go, with maybe 5 baby things trailing behind it. Overwhelm is being reminded *every minute* that I am in a situation that has no "quick fix" and that it will take a lot of time and effort to get to a point where I will be completely comfortable (like with the language, or not being able to find a job). Overwhelm is trying to be okay with the fact that I have control issues and I am in a situation that in part, I have no control over. Overwhelm is wanting to learn a language in 5 minutes so I can move on with life and not feel like an outsider. Overwhelm is having my bf's mother encourage me to look into getting a Dutch drivers licence when I have (yet) no desire to drive. Overwhelm is feeling happy in a life I wanted to be in with a man that loves me but feeling conflicted because I miss my friends, my town, the comfortable flow I had in my life, my sociability, my (let's get real)... safety zone.
Success is not always becoming CEO, or having lots of friends, or the biggest house on the block. Success is moving to a new country, leaving everyone and everything familiar behind. Success is, when you do have the nerve, to smile and say hello to your neighbour and comment on the weather - in your new language. Success is admitting overwhelm. Success is feeling like crap but seeing the positive anyways. Success is being gentle with yourself. Repeatedly. Success is giving yourself permission to feel ovewhelmed, in any situation. Success is after you think that by moving to a new country you're starting over, that three and a half months into said move, do you indeed need to state again that you are "starting over" (see explanation below).
It's hard to find a point of where to start (moving on, moving forward) since there's so much to do. What's the indicator that tells you how and where to begin? That's the hard part. So, for today and moving forward, I will look at things with a fresh perspective. This is a big deal. There is a lot of effort involved. It will take a lot of time. I will need to make baby steps to get to the bigger things that I visualize in my head I see happening for me. Now that I've given it a voice, I'm okay with it (instead of running away from it). I'm okay with there having to be effort. There is now a sort of peace (temporary, I'm sure). Or maybe I should say.. I've reached a point now that I can relax a bit and let life come to me, instead of pushing through to get to it.
On that note, I am going to make a late lunch and get out for a bike ride. I hope you're having a fabulous week!
** Not to say I don't enjoy these conversations; I just find I need a bit more of the dig-deep, feeling-connected ones.
"Overwhelm"
"Breaking Through"
"Guilt"
"Vulnerability"
"Courage"
"Honesty"
I can't decide.
With a bit of a breakdown this morning, I had a bit of a breakthrough (they go hand-in-hand, I think. I'm also channelling my inner Brené Brown). What started as an email to a friend about a lack-lustre prayer life, ended up turning into a confessional. Except not so much to them, as to myself. I'd given a voice to what has been silently bothering me for the last 3 months. With my lack of talking to friends (like, real conversations, I don't mean "how are you liking it there? or What's different? or How's the weather?")** or blogging, I've been keeping inside what (I think) makes me - me; expressing my vulnerability, really talking about life and it's meaning or impact on ourselves or each other or challenging ourselves. Needless to say I've been stuck in my head a lot... and for whoever's been there... that's *not* a good thing. After said email, I spoke to a friend who gave me things I needed to hear and helped raise some awareness. So it's time for me to get honest. Brutal truth, guys. Brace yourselves (or maybe I should...) :/
I'm overwhelmed.
I feel stuck.
I shut off way too often (Facebook? Pinterest, anyone?).
I rush through situations that are uncomfortable (usually per language barriers).
I see my admitting overwhelm as a sign of weakness and it is attached with guilt (how can I feel overwhelmed? I'm not working a 50-hr week, have 5 projects on the go or involved with 3 clubs).
I've been using food as comfort (my ever-expanding waistline is a proving indication).
I've had much higher expectations of myself coming here than I was willing to admit (part inflicted by me, part inflicted by society and friends).
The kicker is I hide all of those points. Even to W. sometimes (s'ok, you can judge).
I have now been challenged to re-write what I see as 'overwhelm' and conversely, 'successful'.
Overwhelm is not always having 50 things on the go. Sometimes overwhelm is having one major thing on the go, with maybe 5 baby things trailing behind it. Overwhelm is being reminded *every minute* that I am in a situation that has no "quick fix" and that it will take a lot of time and effort to get to a point where I will be completely comfortable (like with the language, or not being able to find a job). Overwhelm is trying to be okay with the fact that I have control issues and I am in a situation that in part, I have no control over. Overwhelm is wanting to learn a language in 5 minutes so I can move on with life and not feel like an outsider. Overwhelm is having my bf's mother encourage me to look into getting a Dutch drivers licence when I have (yet) no desire to drive. Overwhelm is feeling happy in a life I wanted to be in with a man that loves me but feeling conflicted because I miss my friends, my town, the comfortable flow I had in my life, my sociability, my (let's get real)... safety zone.
Success is not always becoming CEO, or having lots of friends, or the biggest house on the block. Success is moving to a new country, leaving everyone and everything familiar behind. Success is, when you do have the nerve, to smile and say hello to your neighbour and comment on the weather - in your new language. Success is admitting overwhelm. Success is feeling like crap but seeing the positive anyways. Success is being gentle with yourself. Repeatedly. Success is giving yourself permission to feel ovewhelmed, in any situation. Success is after you think that by moving to a new country you're starting over, that three and a half months into said move, do you indeed need to state again that you are "starting over" (see explanation below).
It's hard to find a point of where to start (moving on, moving forward) since there's so much to do. What's the indicator that tells you how and where to begin? That's the hard part. So, for today and moving forward, I will look at things with a fresh perspective. This is a big deal. There is a lot of effort involved. It will take a lot of time. I will need to make baby steps to get to the bigger things that I visualize in my head I see happening for me. Now that I've given it a voice, I'm okay with it (instead of running away from it). I'm okay with there having to be effort. There is now a sort of peace (temporary, I'm sure). Or maybe I should say.. I've reached a point now that I can relax a bit and let life come to me, instead of pushing through to get to it.
On that note, I am going to make a late lunch and get out for a bike ride. I hope you're having a fabulous week!
** Not to say I don't enjoy these conversations; I just find I need a bit more of the dig-deep, feeling-connected ones.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Today's Random Post Is Brought To You By The Letter 'C'
This is my brain on drugs Carbohydrates.
Brain fog. Lagging (body 'tired', not wanting to keep up to head). Extreme fatigue. Easily affected by events and easily get sad, overwhelmed or needing comfort. Want to sleep f-o-r-e-v-e-r. Spacey. Not in tune to present events, despite attempts. Hard to track time.
Sugar is evil.
Evil. Evil. Evil.
Brain fog. Lagging (body 'tired', not wanting to keep up to head). Extreme fatigue. Easily affected by events and easily get sad, overwhelmed or needing comfort. Want to sleep f-o-r-e-v-e-r. Spacey. Not in tune to present events, despite attempts. Hard to track time.
Sugar is evil.
Evil. Evil. Evil.
Monday, December 24, 2012
A Quiet Christmas
Well, the plague 'o death slightly lessens as I attempt to feel human. Or at least, dress and try to disinfect this place so it doesn't linger any longer than necessary. Still very tired, but don't want to over-sleep or I won't sleep at night. Will nap before attempting Midnight Mass tonight.
So.. let's back up to the consulate visit last week. It went very well! And.. quite easy. I didn't have to ask a single question; she intuitively knew I wanted to know if I was still a Dutch national. And set my pants on fire... I am! BUT.. I have to do paperwork to keep it. Before Mar. 27/2013, cause that's when they change their laws. Again (I've never met a country so finicky). Did I mention in the 3 months some of that paperwork takes 2 months? I stressed out just a little with that. I've already started some paperwork, so we'll see what happens. If this is the case, it would make a WHOLE lot of things easier. So.. let's think positive :)
Christmas. Bah. It hasn't been a very joyous one for me this year. Away from W., not being at the church (sick) and let alone can't sing (per said sickness). It feels very lacking. I asked my family if we could get together since this would be my last Christmas here, but they failed at that. We aren't getting together until New Years, if even then. That's not Christmas. It's New Years. Fail. So, a friend and work colleague invited me to help her in the kitchen with her family Christmas, but it all depends how I'm feeling. It wouldn't be fair to go like this, infect everyone and not have the energy to socialize. So, I don't know. But I really don't want to spend it alone.
I've felt really bad for not sending out Christmas cards, but as I look at my Christmas card holder I only have 3 on it (when it's usually full and brimming over), so I see I'm not the only one feeling busy or overwhelmed this time of year. I wonder what it is. That makes it universal, I mean.
I had 3 cats in my apartment today. My neighbours across the hall are away and I'm looking after the boys. I felt so bad for not spending time with them (being sick, staying in) that I brought them over. It's not their first time over, but it's their first extended stay. It went well! Everyone got along and they hung out. It was fun.
Well, I think I've run out of things to talk about. I hope everyone's Christmas plans are going well and you're spending the holidays with those you love. Merry Christmas to your and yours.. and keep it a safe one :) xoxo
P.S - I can't close out, of course, without attaching the Hallelujah chorus, which I WILL be singing tonight. Deathbed or no deathbed. Oh.. good 'ol Andre Rieu..
Blessings.
So.. let's back up to the consulate visit last week. It went very well! And.. quite easy. I didn't have to ask a single question; she intuitively knew I wanted to know if I was still a Dutch national. And set my pants on fire... I am! BUT.. I have to do paperwork to keep it. Before Mar. 27/2013, cause that's when they change their laws. Again (I've never met a country so finicky). Did I mention in the 3 months some of that paperwork takes 2 months? I stressed out just a little with that. I've already started some paperwork, so we'll see what happens. If this is the case, it would make a WHOLE lot of things easier. So.. let's think positive :)
Christmas. Bah. It hasn't been a very joyous one for me this year. Away from W., not being at the church (sick) and let alone can't sing (per said sickness). It feels very lacking. I asked my family if we could get together since this would be my last Christmas here, but they failed at that. We aren't getting together until New Years, if even then. That's not Christmas. It's New Years. Fail. So, a friend and work colleague invited me to help her in the kitchen with her family Christmas, but it all depends how I'm feeling. It wouldn't be fair to go like this, infect everyone and not have the energy to socialize. So, I don't know. But I really don't want to spend it alone.
I've felt really bad for not sending out Christmas cards, but as I look at my Christmas card holder I only have 3 on it (when it's usually full and brimming over), so I see I'm not the only one feeling busy or overwhelmed this time of year. I wonder what it is. That makes it universal, I mean.
I had 3 cats in my apartment today. My neighbours across the hall are away and I'm looking after the boys. I felt so bad for not spending time with them (being sick, staying in) that I brought them over. It's not their first time over, but it's their first extended stay. It went well! Everyone got along and they hung out. It was fun.
Well, I think I've run out of things to talk about. I hope everyone's Christmas plans are going well and you're spending the holidays with those you love. Merry Christmas to your and yours.. and keep it a safe one :) xoxo
P.S - I can't close out, of course, without attaching the Hallelujah chorus, which I WILL be singing tonight. Deathbed or no deathbed. Oh.. good 'ol Andre Rieu..
Blessings.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Not Angry Anymore...and Ramble
So... I did some self-work and dove into why I am so bent on being a martyr. Lord knows it's not healthy, for me or the other person. I don't have an answer why (other than hypothesizing it relates to lack of control of things in my own life, though I don't think this is the entire reason) but I was able to detach from it. I realized I've taken on a mother/nurturing role with, in essence some ways, the entire world (or so I said it felt like I had the world on my shoulders). Having said that, I wasn't able to detach 'nurturing' from 'martyr'. In my head, they were the same thing. It's what I've been doing for 20-25 years and like I said, it's innate. But it doesn't mean it was right. So, I was able after a while to detach the two after a while and notice the difference. When I let go of being this.. martyr.. I mourned the loss of this thing I was so attached to. It was easy (I think because it was the right time), but painful. I was sad. Let me use a metaphor (I do like using metaphors, don't I?); when a mother 'loses' their child to adulthood, when they grow up and move out... it's sometimes difficult and sad, but also exciting. A new relationship dynamic occurs. So I'm going to do my best to look at it like that. When a friend tells me they're stressed about something in their life (that they have every reason to stress about), I will let go, smile and comfort.... from a distance. It's not for lack of love, it's for self-preservation. At least, until I find a new happy medium :) (P.S - does anyone know what The Church says about martyrdom? Not the "sacrificing yourself for the faith" type, but the "self-inflicting pain" type. Okay, maybe I just answered my own question. Crap.) Really, I make myself laugh sometimes. #dufus (Don't judge; sometimes we just need to hear things out loud) :)
I worked at the restaurant today; my first day shift. It went really well. It wasn't extremely busy, so I got some extra work done. Sweat my ass off. Didn't get to cook, though; there were enough people for that. Then after my shift I stepped outside (in the humidex temps of 35 C) and thought it was "nice" out. Ha, now I know I'm crazy.
I have concerns about my role in the restaurant industry. Or I should say, my health. I hate my body. I'm sorry, but I have to say it. It's so freakin' high maintenance, it makes working in a restaurant challenging. Like, really, really challenging. I go several hours without eating. I'm hypoglycemic! This is not good for a hypoglycemic. While the cooks "forage" (I was also encouraged to do so), it's difficult because I'm on the opposite side of the kitchen where the food is. Sometimes one of the cooks throws food my way, which I'm forever grateful for. But it's frustrating; when my sugar is low I a) lose energy and b) mental focus. The two absolute worst things you want to lose in such a job. So.. I don't know. I've told two key people in the kitchen about my health state and they'll help me when they can. Regardless, I'm a bit down and frustrated by it and haven't yet come up with a solution.
The weekend has been good so far. Last night I went to friend's (friends? what's proper grammar?) for dinner/fire. I wish I could spend more time in the country; I wasn't able to unwind as much as I would have preferred (no fault to them, just need more time in that sort of space). But.. we did have great food (as we always do when we get together). And who can pass up roasting marshmallows?
The lack of rain this summer has been a concern. We're not even getting a break from the heat; it's hot *every* day. I just wish there was rain for the farmers; they're losing so much this year.
Well, I think I'm done rambling. I'm going out shortly to a punk rock concert of various bands. I wanna get out and have some fun tonight. Have a beer, let my hair down.
Party on, dude.
I worked at the restaurant today; my first day shift. It went really well. It wasn't extremely busy, so I got some extra work done. Sweat my ass off. Didn't get to cook, though; there were enough people for that. Then after my shift I stepped outside (in the humidex temps of 35 C) and thought it was "nice" out. Ha, now I know I'm crazy.
I have concerns about my role in the restaurant industry. Or I should say, my health. I hate my body. I'm sorry, but I have to say it. It's so freakin' high maintenance, it makes working in a restaurant challenging. Like, really, really challenging. I go several hours without eating. I'm hypoglycemic! This is not good for a hypoglycemic. While the cooks "forage" (I was also encouraged to do so), it's difficult because I'm on the opposite side of the kitchen where the food is. Sometimes one of the cooks throws food my way, which I'm forever grateful for. But it's frustrating; when my sugar is low I a) lose energy and b) mental focus. The two absolute worst things you want to lose in such a job. So.. I don't know. I've told two key people in the kitchen about my health state and they'll help me when they can. Regardless, I'm a bit down and frustrated by it and haven't yet come up with a solution.
The weekend has been good so far. Last night I went to friend's (friends? what's proper grammar?) for dinner/fire. I wish I could spend more time in the country; I wasn't able to unwind as much as I would have preferred (no fault to them, just need more time in that sort of space). But.. we did have great food (as we always do when we get together). And who can pass up roasting marshmallows?
The lack of rain this summer has been a concern. We're not even getting a break from the heat; it's hot *every* day. I just wish there was rain for the farmers; they're losing so much this year.
Well, I think I'm done rambling. I'm going out shortly to a punk rock concert of various bands. I wanna get out and have some fun tonight. Have a beer, let my hair down.
Party on, dude.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
All Is Well
Made it to the dentist today for the permanent filling. All is well. Now I just owe them the remainder of the bill :/
Going to sit back with dinner soon, and a beer (this one's for you,EL EW) ;) and throw on An Affair to Remember (1957, Cary Grant, Deborah Kerr).
Hope your week is going well!
Going to sit back with dinner soon, and a beer (this one's for you,
Hope your week is going well!
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Lived To Tell the Tale
.. oh let me be dramatic (title) :P
It went well! Well, I guess, as far as root canals go. It's a very interesting process (which I won't divulge here in case some are squeamish, but don't hesitate to ask). We had minor complications, but nothing that wasn't resolvable. I'm a bit in pain, but I've stocked up on painkillers so it's tolerable (ES Tylenol and Advil; Codeine and I are not friends); also so I won't have problems falling asleep tonight (work in the a.m) cause I'm afraid it's enough pain that it might wake me mid-night *shrug* Anyways, all is well and had no reaction to the freezing (if you don't know the story, the last time I had freezing many years ago (different dentist) there was epinephrine in the anesthetic. Well, he hit a blood vessel and it shot through my entire body. Tachycardia ensued and my face went puffy and red, etc. It was. not. fun.). The dentist today didn't rush, (used an epinephrine block AFTER the first shot), was very thorough and took her time. Even had a sense of humour to boot ;) I have a temporary filling in (not sure the reason for the temp) and go back next week for the permanent (is this normal?). Tired as well and will go to bed early. Woot.
Buahaha.. I was waiting for the bus and went to put my earbuds in to listen to music and my ear was frozen.. lol. That was weird.
Anyways, just wanted to give y'all an update and let you know how it went.
It went well! Well, I guess, as far as root canals go. It's a very interesting process (which I won't divulge here in case some are squeamish, but don't hesitate to ask). We had minor complications, but nothing that wasn't resolvable. I'm a bit in pain, but I've stocked up on painkillers so it's tolerable (ES Tylenol and Advil; Codeine and I are not friends); also so I won't have problems falling asleep tonight (work in the a.m) cause I'm afraid it's enough pain that it might wake me mid-night *shrug* Anyways, all is well and had no reaction to the freezing (if you don't know the story, the last time I had freezing many years ago (different dentist) there was epinephrine in the anesthetic. Well, he hit a blood vessel and it shot through my entire body. Tachycardia ensued and my face went puffy and red, etc. It was. not. fun.). The dentist today didn't rush, (used an epinephrine block AFTER the first shot), was very thorough and took her time. Even had a sense of humour to boot ;) I have a temporary filling in (not sure the reason for the temp) and go back next week for the permanent (is this normal?). Tired as well and will go to bed early. Woot.
Buahaha.. I was waiting for the bus and went to put my earbuds in to listen to music and my ear was frozen.. lol. That was weird.
Anyways, just wanted to give y'all an update and let you know how it went.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
I've Had Better Saturdays....
Hello Darlings.
To tell you I'm sitting with a scotch gives you an idea of how wonderful my day's been. I didn't write that last line with a straight face; I sort of snorted :) And hell, it's only 2 in the afternoon!
I left a message with my dentist yesterday (FYI - if you're local, don't have dental problems on a Friday; almost the entire damn city is closed of dentists. While they're hitting the golf course or the cottage, I'm sitting in panic and agony, but I'm not bitter.). They called me first thing this morning when they opened and we settled on a time for 11:30 this morning. Thing is... it was last minute and we had to find coverage for me *last minute* during *lunch delivery*. No pressure. You can't just make changes to personnel during meal delivery in a hospital which can, at the best of times, be run like clockwork, and expect no upsets. But.. they pulled it off. If it's one thing I have to say about the team I work with...I don't always love them and some of them I damn well avoid, but boy do we pull together when we have to. I'll give 'em that. So we found coverage for me and I left early, getting half a shift in.
Got to the dentist's office and they took a look-see (and an x-ray, which almost had me in tears {small mouth, cuts into gums}) and they showed me why it's causing me discomfort. Fair enough. They are SUPER nice (and gentle) there. Anyways, after some discussion and quotes, we decided I'm going to do a root canal (vs extraction) this coming Wednesday morning. I really, really wasn't looking forward to having the tooth pulled because it's closer to the front and I'd have been very self-conscious about it. In fact, I was having anxiety about parting with it at all (silly?). Little did I know that after some paying ahead (to show good faith) and a bit of discussion about payment plans, the root canal is affordable.. and yay! I get to keep my tooth! I'm so happy! Phew.
I'm going to go off on a tangent for a sec. So I asked the girl while discussing $$$, how long I might be out of commission for a root canal. She said I wouldn't be. I looked at her funny and I'm like, "Come on...". She said these days there's enough advancements that she had one guy in once who had TWO done and he left and went back to work! Pfft, "Shut up!" I said (in a light-hearted, joking manner, of course. Tone is lost here.). She confirmed it. Okay, now the pain after can't be all that good, but I suppose there's pain killers for that. Anyways.. they didn't make a big deal of it and it seems to not be an issue. I'm having flashbacks of a Doctor Who episode where one of the characters in Season One, when they were visiting a planet in the very far future (the last day of Earth) and he gets something implanted in his head. He's expecting for it to be painful and not do well, but the lady (alien?) reassured him that he'd only be out for half an hour and wouldn't feel a thing. Now, I'm not sure I'd want my forehead to open up to receive all the data/news of the world, but... maybe we're getting close, aye?
Picked up a prescription for antibiotics at the pharmacy and the pharmacist was SO nice. I found him to have a very calming effect. And here I am (with my scotch. Oooh.. in hindsight, I suppose I shouldn't be having while I'm medicated. Oops.). Anyways, I might go to Mass tonight. Albeit tired and spent, it might be good for the soul. Then I shall bake! A Thank-You to my co-workers.
So I'm gonna rest now, and maybe read a bit, then go out. I hope your Saturday is better than mine! :) Sorry... I've really rambled today. If you've read this far, I love you :) You have quite the patience (or tolerance, however you look at it) and I appreciate any good thoughts you can send my way. I'll be a bit anxious for Wednesday, but looking forward to having it over with.
Enjoy your weekend! :)
**edited for shitty spelling/grammar (what's wrong with me?!)
To tell you I'm sitting with a scotch gives you an idea of how wonderful my day's been. I didn't write that last line with a straight face; I sort of snorted :) And hell, it's only 2 in the afternoon!
I left a message with my dentist yesterday (FYI - if you're local, don't have dental problems on a Friday; almost the entire damn city is closed of dentists. While they're hitting the golf course or the cottage, I'm sitting in panic and agony, but I'm not bitter.). They called me first thing this morning when they opened and we settled on a time for 11:30 this morning. Thing is... it was last minute and we had to find coverage for me *last minute* during *lunch delivery*. No pressure. You can't just make changes to personnel during meal delivery in a hospital which can, at the best of times, be run like clockwork, and expect no upsets. But.. they pulled it off. If it's one thing I have to say about the team I work with...I don't always love them and some of them I damn well avoid, but boy do we pull together when we have to. I'll give 'em that. So we found coverage for me and I left early, getting half a shift in.
Got to the dentist's office and they took a look-see (and an x-ray, which almost had me in tears {small mouth, cuts into gums}) and they showed me why it's causing me discomfort. Fair enough. They are SUPER nice (and gentle) there. Anyways, after some discussion and quotes, we decided I'm going to do a root canal (vs extraction) this coming Wednesday morning. I really, really wasn't looking forward to having the tooth pulled because it's closer to the front and I'd have been very self-conscious about it. In fact, I was having anxiety about parting with it at all (silly?). Little did I know that after some paying ahead (to show good faith) and a bit of discussion about payment plans, the root canal is affordable.. and yay! I get to keep my tooth! I'm so happy! Phew.
I'm going to go off on a tangent for a sec. So I asked the girl while discussing $$$, how long I might be out of commission for a root canal. She said I wouldn't be. I looked at her funny and I'm like, "Come on...". She said these days there's enough advancements that she had one guy in once who had TWO done and he left and went back to work! Pfft, "Shut up!" I said (in a light-hearted, joking manner, of course. Tone is lost here.). She confirmed it. Okay, now the pain after can't be all that good, but I suppose there's pain killers for that. Anyways.. they didn't make a big deal of it and it seems to not be an issue. I'm having flashbacks of a Doctor Who episode where one of the characters in Season One, when they were visiting a planet in the very far future (the last day of Earth) and he gets something implanted in his head. He's expecting for it to be painful and not do well, but the lady (alien?) reassured him that he'd only be out for half an hour and wouldn't feel a thing. Now, I'm not sure I'd want my forehead to open up to receive all the data/news of the world, but... maybe we're getting close, aye?
Picked up a prescription for antibiotics at the pharmacy and the pharmacist was SO nice. I found him to have a very calming effect. And here I am (with my scotch. Oooh.. in hindsight, I suppose I shouldn't be having while I'm medicated. Oops.). Anyways, I might go to Mass tonight. Albeit tired and spent, it might be good for the soul. Then I shall bake! A Thank-You to my co-workers.
So I'm gonna rest now, and maybe read a bit, then go out. I hope your Saturday is better than mine! :) Sorry... I've really rambled today. If you've read this far, I love you :) You have quite the patience (or tolerance, however you look at it) and I appreciate any good thoughts you can send my way. I'll be a bit anxious for Wednesday, but looking forward to having it over with.
Enjoy your weekend! :)
**edited for shitty spelling/grammar (what's wrong with me?!)
Dying
Okay, "dying" might be an exaggeration. I'm pretty damn uncomfortable, though. I've got a hella high pain tolerance, but not with teeth. Not at all (Hydra, I know you share my 'pain'..ha, no pun intended). I might see if I can get it pulled tomorrow; I'm not sure I can last the entire weekend (until a day off).
I hit up Employee Health today and they gave me a couple of T1's through the day.. which made me freakishly dizzy (and nauseous); repeatedly. That was crazy and I'm not sure I'll use those again. Who knew. So I went out with CZ and we ran a few errands, one of which was to talk to a pharmacist and get me some meds. He suggested alternating between Tylenol and Advil, and I'll do so. Coincidentally, we also found a homeopathic remedy at the grocery store that I found also worked.. but will try more just in case. So right now I'm sitting and having a beer and trying to de-stress.
Anyways, that's my whining for today. I'm gonna go chill before bed, and maybe get to it a bit early. It's been a long day.
I hit up Employee Health today and they gave me a couple of T1's through the day.. which made me freakishly dizzy (and nauseous); repeatedly. That was crazy and I'm not sure I'll use those again. Who knew. So I went out with CZ and we ran a few errands, one of which was to talk to a pharmacist and get me some meds. He suggested alternating between Tylenol and Advil, and I'll do so. Coincidentally, we also found a homeopathic remedy at the grocery store that I found also worked.. but will try more just in case. So right now I'm sitting and having a beer and trying to de-stress.
Anyways, that's my whining for today. I'm gonna go chill before bed, and maybe get to it a bit early. It's been a long day.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Random
Better night at work than yesterday.
Back tomorrow first thing in the morning.
Bad dizzy spells today (almost fell over!)
Sore tooth; might have to get pulled sooner than later.
Don't know if I'll be able to make it to party tomorrow.
Work all weekend.
It's hot. I dislike my apartment. Though not unbearable.
I'm going to bed with my book.
Back tomorrow first thing in the morning.
Bad dizzy spells today (almost fell over!)
Sore tooth; might have to get pulled sooner than later.
Don't know if I'll be able to make it to party tomorrow.
Work all weekend.
It's hot. I dislike my apartment. Though not unbearable.
I'm going to bed with my book.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
The Plague, Redux
I've been hit with the plague. Again. I just got over one a few months ago! It seems I'm not the only one; I'm hearing more and more about people getting sick more often than usual, or everyone's getting hit at least once with whatever's going around at the time. Maybe because we didn't have as cold of a winter as usual to kill off all the germs that is making viruses go around a bit more frequently. Silly theory, but maybe it has some truth to it? So writing for me hasn't been a priority. Sorry.
At the same time, it's hard to do 'nothing'. I feel like my days off should be productive, and while I don't feel like going out amongst the 3D people, I do a little cleaning around the apartment.
LOL.. "I have sickergies!" (I'm literally laughing out loud. I can thank RM for that one. I don't know WHAT made me think of it, but it makes me giggle.) #youhadtobethere
I caved this time. I don't like to medicate (*especially* with a cold), but this time I got Advil Cold & Flu (Neo Citran was sold out - that also tells you something). I give Advil good reviews; it helped make my unbearable suffering... sufferable.. and I've been able to get sleep in spurts. I've missed a day of work, sadly, but that's what vacation time is for I guess.
Apartment. Bah. The universe has not been helpful in finding a new abode. /frustrated
That's all I have for today. I'm going to force myself to sit still a while and read.
Hope you're having a good start to the week.
At the same time, it's hard to do 'nothing'. I feel like my days off should be productive, and while I don't feel like going out amongst the 3D people, I do a little cleaning around the apartment.
LOL.. "I have sickergies!" (I'm literally laughing out loud. I can thank RM for that one. I don't know WHAT made me think of it, but it makes me giggle.) #youhadtobethere
I caved this time. I don't like to medicate (*especially* with a cold), but this time I got Advil Cold & Flu (Neo Citran was sold out - that also tells you something). I give Advil good reviews; it helped make my unbearable suffering... sufferable.. and I've been able to get sleep in spurts. I've missed a day of work, sadly, but that's what vacation time is for I guess.
Apartment. Bah. The universe has not been helpful in finding a new abode. /frustrated
That's all I have for today. I'm going to force myself to sit still a while and read.
Hope you're having a good start to the week.
Monday, January 23, 2012
The Plague, Pt. 5
We have to think of a nickname for my noisy neighbour. I have many choice words, which I'm sure are not suitable for a proper young lady to repeat in public.
Anyways, said neighbour. Well, as I was in bed for 20:00 (8pm), that's when she started her stuff. Wine bottles were heard clanging, friends chattering, smoke alarm going off, blah blah blah. I just laid in bed with my eyes shut until they left for the bar at 23:30. Ahhh.. quiet. ... until I was abruptly woken at 03:00 when they came barging in from the bar, thrice as loud as before. They weren't back 2 min and I called the cops lodging a noise complaint. I mean dude.. have some respect. I've lived in a house my entire life. I chose not to live in apartment buildings AND THIS IS WHY. *huff* Anyhoo.. I met the cops in the hall about a half hour later (I buzzed them in) and spoke with them a few minutes. They were super nice and went and spoke to the crowd. I heard a few of them leave (they sound like elephants in the hall) and just when I thought I'd have quiet.... there was still a few of them who stayed behind. I heard them until 0500. Y'know what? I give up.
Needless to say I didn't go into work today. I called in for tomorrow, too. The only way for me to fall asleep these days (since napping is difficult) is with alcohol - so I'm doing just that right now. Babu's on the pillow beside me, hanging out. He just gave himself a bath & is winding down for the night and I'm sitting here talking to you.. with a hot toddy. Thank God for brandy.
Today didn't consist of much. I finally fell asleep after they stopped, around 0600 and slept until noon. I've just been hanging out; ate a bit, sit back with the computer, watched a BoB tonight (Episode 9.. one more to go!) and did some dishes. While I'm not stuffed all the time, I am getting a bit more of a cough. I'm starting to get a bit antsy, not having been out of the house for a couple days, nor seeing anyone. I hope to venture out tomorrow, God-willing I get a good enough sleep tonight.
Ugh.. you poor thing.. having to read my pointless, whiny dribble the past couple days while I've been cooped inside, sick. Well, thanks for being a trooper. Cross your fingers I get more strength to venture out to 3D people.
Anyways, said neighbour. Well, as I was in bed for 20:00 (8pm), that's when she started her stuff. Wine bottles were heard clanging, friends chattering, smoke alarm going off, blah blah blah. I just laid in bed with my eyes shut until they left for the bar at 23:30. Ahhh.. quiet. ... until I was abruptly woken at 03:00 when they came barging in from the bar, thrice as loud as before. They weren't back 2 min and I called the cops lodging a noise complaint. I mean dude.. have some respect. I've lived in a house my entire life. I chose not to live in apartment buildings AND THIS IS WHY. *huff* Anyhoo.. I met the cops in the hall about a half hour later (I buzzed them in) and spoke with them a few minutes. They were super nice and went and spoke to the crowd. I heard a few of them leave (they sound like elephants in the hall) and just when I thought I'd have quiet.... there was still a few of them who stayed behind. I heard them until 0500. Y'know what? I give up.
Needless to say I didn't go into work today. I called in for tomorrow, too. The only way for me to fall asleep these days (since napping is difficult) is with alcohol - so I'm doing just that right now. Babu's on the pillow beside me, hanging out. He just gave himself a bath & is winding down for the night and I'm sitting here talking to you.. with a hot toddy. Thank God for brandy.
Today didn't consist of much. I finally fell asleep after they stopped, around 0600 and slept until noon. I've just been hanging out; ate a bit, sit back with the computer, watched a BoB tonight (Episode 9.. one more to go!) and did some dishes. While I'm not stuffed all the time, I am getting a bit more of a cough. I'm starting to get a bit antsy, not having been out of the house for a couple days, nor seeing anyone. I hope to venture out tomorrow, God-willing I get a good enough sleep tonight.
Ugh.. you poor thing.. having to read my pointless, whiny dribble the past couple days while I've been cooped inside, sick. Well, thanks for being a trooper. Cross your fingers I get more strength to venture out to 3D people.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Relax, I Cannot
I'm hating my body right now. I'm absolutely, invariably physically exhausted; my brain, on the other hand, not so much. I can barely keep my head up, but the rest of me is fidgety. Napping today has been impossible and something that happened to other people (or Babu). I've even gone to far as to bring my laptop to the bed tonight (my battery is toast so I have to plug in and it's a real PITA). I need to stay IN BED so this is how I'm forcing myself. I'm even writing this in stages.. I just don't have the energy otherwise. Part of me wants to clean, the other part.. can't. Besides, when one lives alone, one has to feed one's cat, clean the litter box, make something resembling a meal, lots of teas and water so there's often not a choice. Okay, so I'm not as cranky today... but no less whiney :P
I ran an errand today to test my energy to see if I can handle work tomorrow. Meh. Not great but not horrible. Once I got over the exhaustion from just putting on my boots, as soon as I got out and going I wasn't too bad. And it was beautiful weather. I wish I was better to enjoy it more. So.. I will attempt work tomorrow. I hate that I have to; I believe if you're sick you should stay home (especially if one works at a hospital, in contact with those who's immune systems are also taking a beating), but staying home doesn't pay the bills. This is when it sucks to be a part-timer; no paid sick time. In fact, this is one of those, "I hate working at the hospital" days; there's no leniency with time off (and getting it can be very difficult). I tried arranging to work only half a shift, but I was refused, saying they'd prefer me to work it or not at all, offering the shift to someone for the full 7.5hrs. Who gives a rats ass as long as it's worked?
Anyways, with some of the forced rest the past couple days, I've done a lot of thinking. Good thinking, y'know, working out stuff. I won't write it all to you yet, but I'll tell you how interesting it is how much we carry around our past with us. And I mean, how much it has the potential to weigh us down without us realizing how much. I've had depression since I was 16; 98.5% of the time I've dealt with it medication-free and I'm confident to say the older I get, the easier it is to deal with. It never goes away, but one develops particular coping strategies. So yeah, it's easier for me to look at the 'darker' side of things most of the time; it's sort of instinctual. If you see this in me, have patience with me please - know it's something I'm working on; but with the new things I've unearthed the past couple days, might help alleviate that even further. I'm kind of excited.
Babu's sleeping on the pillow beside me and he's snoring. He's so cute. His legs are going into little spasms. He must be dreaming.
Well, I'm going to go have dessert (homemade applesauce), figure out how to breathe better and warm up some (also homemade) chai tea... then I'll think of something I can do with my eyes closed (besides sleep, which will happen in about an hour). I wrote half of this with my eyes closed. Woo! Look at me and my mad typing skillz (yes, I proof-read) ;) Maybe listen to music?
Hope y'all are having a good weekend and enjoying the weather, wherever you are :) Stay healthy!
I ran an errand today to test my energy to see if I can handle work tomorrow. Meh. Not great but not horrible. Once I got over the exhaustion from just putting on my boots, as soon as I got out and going I wasn't too bad. And it was beautiful weather. I wish I was better to enjoy it more. So.. I will attempt work tomorrow. I hate that I have to; I believe if you're sick you should stay home (especially if one works at a hospital, in contact with those who's immune systems are also taking a beating), but staying home doesn't pay the bills. This is when it sucks to be a part-timer; no paid sick time. In fact, this is one of those, "I hate working at the hospital" days; there's no leniency with time off (and getting it can be very difficult). I tried arranging to work only half a shift, but I was refused, saying they'd prefer me to work it or not at all, offering the shift to someone for the full 7.5hrs. Who gives a rats ass as long as it's worked?
Anyways, with some of the forced rest the past couple days, I've done a lot of thinking. Good thinking, y'know, working out stuff. I won't write it all to you yet, but I'll tell you how interesting it is how much we carry around our past with us. And I mean, how much it has the potential to weigh us down without us realizing how much. I've had depression since I was 16; 98.5% of the time I've dealt with it medication-free and I'm confident to say the older I get, the easier it is to deal with. It never goes away, but one develops particular coping strategies. So yeah, it's easier for me to look at the 'darker' side of things most of the time; it's sort of instinctual. If you see this in me, have patience with me please - know it's something I'm working on; but with the new things I've unearthed the past couple days, might help alleviate that even further. I'm kind of excited.
Babu's sleeping on the pillow beside me and he's snoring. He's so cute. His legs are going into little spasms. He must be dreaming.
Well, I'm going to go have dessert (homemade applesauce), figure out how to breathe better and warm up some (also homemade) chai tea... then I'll think of something I can do with my eyes closed (besides sleep, which will happen in about an hour). I wrote half of this with my eyes closed. Woo! Look at me and my mad typing skillz (yes, I proof-read) ;) Maybe listen to music?
Hope y'all are having a good weekend and enjoying the weather, wherever you are :) Stay healthy!
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Bah!
This sick business is for the birds. I have no energy, I barely rested today (not without trying - I found it difficult to), I'm achy, I have zero energy and I only breathe out of one nostril. Needless to say I'm getting a little cranky. I caved and ordered pizza (thanks, MK ;). Yes, with regular (non GF) crust. Yes, with cheese (dairy). Don't poke the bear.
I called in for tomorrow's shift and will take it off to rest, hoping I'm well enough for Sunday's shift. Thank goodness I banked some vacation hours; I'll have to use them.
After my pizza comes, I'll get my butt back to bed and force myself to try and get some sleep. I'm going to sit back with a Band of Brothers episode (running through the series, on Ep. 7 now). I love that they're short enough; I don't have to pop in a 2 hr movie. Very convenient (if I finish this, JK, and I'm still sick, I may need to come borrow MASH).
Oh, per a suggestion from a friend I got (er, a friend ran errands for me today for some necessities) NAKA's Vital Liquid Greens. This is apparently power-house stuff and will start taking it in the morning. Anyone else have experience with it?
Y'know, I haven't been sick like this in a year... maybe two. I have this belief that while it's not necessary to get sick often, especially if you have a good immune system, it may benefit one to get sick once in a while/rarely. How else does one fend off communal sickness/illness? Is my thinking flawed? What do you think? I find when I don't get sick for a while and then do... it REALLY hits me. I remember reading this article once that this guy hadn't been sick in years. I thought.. good for him. How can I compete with that? So.. should we catch the odd common cold and build up our immune system or try and stave them off as much as we can?
I called in for tomorrow's shift and will take it off to rest, hoping I'm well enough for Sunday's shift. Thank goodness I banked some vacation hours; I'll have to use them.
After my pizza comes, I'll get my butt back to bed and force myself to try and get some sleep. I'm going to sit back with a Band of Brothers episode (running through the series, on Ep. 7 now). I love that they're short enough; I don't have to pop in a 2 hr movie. Very convenient (if I finish this, JK, and I'm still sick, I may need to come borrow MASH).
Oh, per a suggestion from a friend I got (er, a friend ran errands for me today for some necessities) NAKA's Vital Liquid Greens. This is apparently power-house stuff and will start taking it in the morning. Anyone else have experience with it?
Y'know, I haven't been sick like this in a year... maybe two. I have this belief that while it's not necessary to get sick often, especially if you have a good immune system, it may benefit one to get sick once in a while/rarely. How else does one fend off communal sickness/illness? Is my thinking flawed? What do you think? I find when I don't get sick for a while and then do... it REALLY hits me. I remember reading this article once that this guy hadn't been sick in years. I thought.. good for him. How can I compete with that? So.. should we catch the odd common cold and build up our immune system or try and stave them off as much as we can?
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