Sunday, January 22, 2012

Relax, I Cannot

I'm hating my body right now.  I'm absolutely, invariably physically exhausted; my brain, on the other hand, not so much.  I can barely keep my head up, but the rest of me is fidgety.  Napping today has been impossible and something that happened to other people (or Babu).  I've even gone to far as to bring my laptop to the bed tonight (my battery is toast so I have to plug in and it's a real PITA).  I need to stay IN BED so this is how I'm forcing myself.  I'm even writing this in stages.. I just don't have the energy otherwise.  Part of me wants to clean, the other part.. can't.  Besides, when one lives alone, one has to feed one's cat, clean the litter box, make something resembling a meal, lots of teas and water so there's often not a choice.  Okay, so I'm not as cranky today... but no less whiney :P

I ran an errand today to test my energy to see if I can handle work tomorrow.  Meh.  Not great but not horrible.  Once I got over the exhaustion from just putting on my boots, as soon as I got out and going I wasn't too bad.  And it was beautiful weather.  I wish I was better to enjoy it more.  So.. I will attempt work tomorrow.  I hate that I have to; I believe if you're sick you should stay home (especially if one works at a hospital, in contact with those who's immune systems are also taking a beating), but staying home doesn't pay the bills.  This is when it sucks to be a part-timer; no paid sick time.  In fact, this is one of those, "I hate working at the hospital" days; there's no leniency with time off (and getting it can be very difficult).  I tried arranging to work only half a shift, but I was refused, saying they'd prefer me to work it or not at all, offering the shift to someone for the full 7.5hrs.  Who gives a rats ass as long as it's worked?

Anyways, with some of the forced rest the past couple days, I've done a lot of thinking.  Good thinking, y'know, working out stuff.  I won't write it all to you yet, but I'll tell you how interesting it is how much we carry around our past with us.  And I mean, how much it has the potential to weigh us down without us realizing how much.  I've had depression since I was 16; 98.5% of the time I've dealt with it medication-free and I'm confident to say the older I get, the easier it is to deal with.  It never goes away, but one develops particular coping strategies.  So yeah, it's easier for me to look at the 'darker' side of things most of the time; it's sort of instinctual.  If you see this in me, have patience with me please - know it's something I'm working on; but with the new things I've unearthed the past couple days, might help alleviate that even further.  I'm kind of excited.

Babu's sleeping on the pillow beside me and he's snoring. He's so cute.  His legs are going into little spasms.  He must be dreaming.

Well, I'm going to go have dessert (homemade applesauce), figure out how to breathe better and warm up some (also homemade) chai tea... then I'll think of something I can do with my eyes closed (besides sleep, which will happen in about an hour).  I wrote half of this with my eyes closed.  Woo!  Look at me and my mad typing skillz (yes, I proof-read) ;)    Maybe listen to music?

Hope y'all are having a good weekend and enjoying the weather, wherever you are :)  Stay healthy!


hydra said...

When I was at school, I learned a poem, the last line of which was 'Perhaps I am the place and not the places me'. I am sure you can understand what this means. You can move house and even country all you like, but it's you and your mental and emotional baggage that affects your surroundings. I wish you ease, lightness of spirits, happiness and... sleeeeeeeep! x

Perovskia said...

*smile* You're completely right (well, for the most part; my noisy neighbour driving me nuts notwithstanding).
Thanks :) xx

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