39. One year from f.. f.... fffffffffforty. Gosh that was hard to say. Am I there already? When did that happen?
I'm one of the self-reflective types when it comes to birthdays. Or at least milestone birthdays, or in this case - close - to milestone birthdays. I damn near had a nervous breakdown when I turned 30. When you're young you set the ideals I want this, this and that by the time I'm 30. I didn't have this, this and that and when I didn't, I felt as if I failed. In reflection, how could I feel as if I failed myself? Life was going as it was meant to. It was society that failed me. Society that builds up the "must-have's" for milestone birthdays. I was given wise words by a then co-worker; the 30's is about relaxing. It's about being comfortable in who you are. It's about speaking up for yourself and not minding doing so. You know what? He was right. My 30's were (for the most part) fantastic. I felt more comfortable in myself than I had - ever. I did things for me, not because of how others felt I should do things.
As I approach f.. ff... fffffff.... well, that'age, I continue to take stock of what *I* want in my life, not what someone else dictates for me. My generation is all about shedding society ideals and letting go and having fun (at least, some of the people I'm surrounded by) and that indeed, brace yourself, 40 is NOT old. Perhaps it's European culture. The Dutch (for the majority) are very easy going and not about being held-down by emotions, the past, etc. Don't think they don't have ordeals, crisis or difficulties. They do! But they try not to let it hold them back or ever miss out on opportunities. They don't have the heavy weight on their shoulders that I impose upon myself (sometimes). If they do I don't see it.
Anyways, when I reflect for next year, I want to try to let go of a lot of self-imposed barriers. I don't want to stipulate, "I want to have this, this and live here and.. " because that's unrealistic and we all know as soon as you set a plan for life, it changes. I have less desire for materials things and more for connections of those around me. I have less desire for self-punishment and more for accepting and forgiving the self (a continual work in progress). I've been asking myself why we think it's okay and conducive to beat ourselves up all the time when the opposite is true, but that's another blog post for another time.
I have to end this now. I'm having a few ladies over for what was going to be a high-tea (W is working today) which has turned into sort of a potluck, mesh of.. stuff. Long story. I need to do some last-minute cleaning before guests arrive.
Have a wonderful day! It's sunny here and it looks like it's going to be lovely. Happy weekend!
Showing posts with label growing pains. Show all posts
Showing posts with label growing pains. Show all posts
Saturday, April 18, 2015
Monday, February 2, 2015
The Social Media Devil - A Vent
Preface: It's 'wordy' and long, I apologize in advance. Had a hard time articulating myself.
Still, I took it upon myself to comment on a thread the other day in one of my groups. Someone asked me to expand on why I thought what I did (it was about food and nutritional content of said food, what's best to consume, etc) and when I gave it today I was accused by a supposed friend for 'telling people what to do' and 'turning my nose down in judgement about their choices'. I was flabergasted. And upset. It was the straw that broke the camels back.
One thing about me that not many people know is that I don't like it when people assume anything of me. It's a trigger. This was a classic example and it felt like an attack for no reason. It was assumed the way I came across that I was telling someone how they should eat, when if they a) knew me and b) were the friend they were supposed to be and have my back, understood that I was suggesting eating based on a nutritional point of view. What anyone does with that info is up to them. After that I excused myself from the conversation as I was not being understood (and instead was being accused). I shut off notifications for the post. I went back to check the thread anyways (because I'm a glutton for punishment) and they commented that it was "no big deal".. but no... because you called me out on shit in front of 50 people.. apparently it was. Thing is, I went to the original poster/question and I didn't offend her at all, so it was just that one person's opinion.
I got upset. A lot. Yesterday I came to the realization that I have nothing in common with any friend I have here because they're rather too busy to get together (due to work or families) or have babies (this accounts for most), or age differences, so when I take a hit from a friend and it feels like they're dropping like flies (because believe me, if they're going to act like this, I don't want to have anything to do with them), I feel it. I find myself thinking about Canada a lot. Today.. just made it all come together. I thought who I thought would have my back doesn't and.. my whole world came crashing down. I miss my friends. I miss the balance I had. Now? No balance. My one reason for being here has been validated a long time ago and I'm left with teetering scales; I have W. on one side and it's empty on the other. I don't know how to handle the imbalance anymore, or how to differently look at the situation.
It's not without trying. I've tried approaching a couple of businesses in town about volunteer positions and they won't take me (I need to try to stay in town to keep travel expenses to a minimum). Short of waiting for a job, I don't know what else to do... but something has to change.
I'm living in a world where I realize nothing is permanent. People who I could have sworn on my grandmother's grave that I would be friends with for life, aren't. Boyfriends and fiancés who I thought I'd be with for life, aren't. Knowledge I thought I would always have in my head, I forget. Health I thought I would have, has declined. Maybe this is a realization you have when you get older. Maybe it's just me. The only thing I can think of to do with this - is not take anything for granted. I'm not with W. because I think we're meant to be together. No; I'm consciously choosing to be with him and love him every day. And every day after that. And every day after that. Everything else? I try not to. I really consciously try not to.
The thing I struggled with most today was finding something to be grateful for. Every day I can tell you something I'm grateful for, but when I'm this upset and this.. desolate.. it's difficult. I don't want to look for anything! I'm angry! The thing is, to find something you're grateful for in a situation that feels shitty and has crumpled around you.. that is the time for the most opportunity for growth. But do you wanna know a secret? I'm tired. I've worked so hard to get where I am and maintain some sort of sanity that.. I'm tired. I'm tired of personal growth. I'm tired of having to adjust to circumstances around me. I said to W. tonight that I wish I was the type that could give up.
"So where are you?" (in my head) he asks and I said, "I don't know." I'm stewing. I'm fixed in a cycle and the machine needs to be kicked to get back into gear. I'm trying to step back from the situation and look at it from the outside but it's hard.
That's what's on my mind today. I'm going to head to bed and call it a day. Thanks for listening to my babble, as always :) Happy Monday!
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Past Demons
So the other day when I received my new (old) phone from my dad (I got his old iPhone 4S since mine went kaput), there was a thumb drive in the box. I was excited to look at the pictures, not even being able to imagine what they could have been of.
Ha! They were of when I was a kid. I'd say from around... 3? 4? (Man, I was so adorable.) To about... 13? Maybe 14 is pushing it. (Also, the haircut I had at a certain age.. I think it was around.. 10? Will never. be. published. I think my mother and I need to have a talk.)
First thing I notice: I'm wearing shorts. I don't mean just shorts, but short-shorts, that were characteristic of the 80's (and the jelly shoes.. omg. Anyways..). Following thought process: People who wear shorts or short-shorts are usually thinner. Wait.. I was wearing short-shorts. WAIT A MINUTE... I WAS......THIN! (Let me preface this by stating I wasn't "thin" like skinny-people/skin-and/bones thin, but was very healthy and "normal" looking and nothing that would tell you I would have a future of being overweight).
Commence complex.
*flips through pictures*
Oh.. jelly bracelets. I remember those. Wow, I wore it all, didn't I? The iconic 80's child.
Oh! I *loved* that bathing suit! Haha.. yeah.. we used that slip-n-slide a lot.
Wait. Bathing suit. Did I have a complex about my self-image in that bathing suit? I don't *think* so. But, maybe I did a little and I was too young to care. I don't know.
Oh, there's dad's Labatt 50's on the picnic table. God love him. I remember one day when I was like.. 4? He let me have a sip of that '50. Thus my drinking career started early ;)
Pics of us in Algonquin Park. We really did love that water. I *loved* canoeing.
Wait.. I wore pixie boots? Buahahaha. Oh wow.
Aww.. my grandma and grandpa W. *sniff*
I knew I was different, but I couldn't place how. I was significantly taller than most kids we hung out with at my dad's, including my (step, both) brother and sister. They were short (I think I still have them beat. My sister, anyways). So I remember always feeling.. out of proportion (read: growing). But *never* unhealthy and never... fat. Fat came later.
I can't tell you the exact day or time things turned. I can tell you by the pictures I started to put on a couple more pounds at around 13? Definitely 14. But I was still.. fairly 'normal' looking. All I remember is being made to feel by family (more so the house I grew up in, than at my dad's)... not normal and always being "chunky" or having "a few extra pounds" or... /insert criticism here/. I can inflect that it was a certain family member, but I'll stop while I'm ahead.
Demons. I had voices in my head about not being enough at an age where I should have been told I *was* enough and that I *was* healthy, etc etc. Someone decided to inflect their opinions and their own demons on MY life. And of course, enter highschool where judgement is everywhere and it all went downhill from there. The mental and emotional abuse that occurred in the home goes without saying (towards contributing). Without a frequent enough support system and healthy way of viewing the self, I was pre-destined to fail.
Remember that complex I started having? Well, I failed. In this category, it has been a constant battle for 25 years.. and I failed. I'm probably at my worse weight to date and have picked up extra health ailments along the way for fun. Don't worry, the self-criticism will stop soon (another bonus from my past). Now I have to re-write those demons. Or really.. tell them to fuck off. Because that's all they are. Demons. They're as big or as little as I want them to be. HOW to tell them to take a hike, I haven't worked that out yet. Is it that simple? Do I just tell them they're not serving me anymore and to leave? I don't know. More of a stark realization, is seeing that they're mostly someone else's demons/voices. Mine just learned to come along for the ride. Oh, and of course pick up the slack when those real voices weren't as strong... cause... apparently I'm a glutton for punishment. Learned behaviour is.. learned. Always have some sort of negative attention.
Anyhoo... I can step back and realize I'm blessed I've seen the bigger picture. I've seen it wasn't me. I've seen I *was* enough just as I was at (eg) 8 years old. I have a lot of work to sooth and console the inner child. I'll need to give her some extra attention in the immediate future. I'll challenge every self-critical thought I have.
What is the 'silver lining' that I so often see, here? Hmm. It's obviously made me who I am today, but I am quick to say that "that" part of me I don't love so much (quick with the self-criticism there). But how else has it served me? How else has it shaped who I've become? This answer isn't so quick to the tongue, so I'll have to sit with it a while.
And by God, I'll do everything in my power to not become the 'parent' to W's 3 boys like how some others were parents to me. I won't continue that pattern of handing-down demons. I'm not perfect, and I might even fail sometimes, but I'll be quick to forgive and repair it when I can.
Challenge where your inner demons come from. Ask yourself if they're serving you any purpose. If they're not, tell yourself it's okay to let them go. Really. It's okay.
It's the First Sunday of Advent this weekend. I do love Christmas in the Church; it's so magical. Find your faith, whatever it is, and find those that care about you and surround yourself with them. Life is too short to live by someone else's fears and anger.
Ha! They were of when I was a kid. I'd say from around... 3? 4? (Man, I was so adorable.) To about... 13? Maybe 14 is pushing it. (Also, the haircut I had at a certain age.. I think it was around.. 10? Will never. be. published. I think my mother and I need to have a talk.)
First thing I notice: I'm wearing shorts. I don't mean just shorts, but short-shorts, that were characteristic of the 80's (and the jelly shoes.. omg. Anyways..). Following thought process: People who wear shorts or short-shorts are usually thinner. Wait.. I was wearing short-shorts. WAIT A MINUTE... I WAS......THIN! (Let me preface this by stating I wasn't "thin" like skinny-people/skin-and/bones thin, but was very healthy and "normal" looking and nothing that would tell you I would have a future of being overweight).
Commence complex.
*flips through pictures*
Oh.. jelly bracelets. I remember those. Wow, I wore it all, didn't I? The iconic 80's child.
Oh! I *loved* that bathing suit! Haha.. yeah.. we used that slip-n-slide a lot.
Wait. Bathing suit. Did I have a complex about my self-image in that bathing suit? I don't *think* so. But, maybe I did a little and I was too young to care. I don't know.
Oh, there's dad's Labatt 50's on the picnic table. God love him. I remember one day when I was like.. 4? He let me have a sip of that '50. Thus my drinking career started early ;)
Pics of us in Algonquin Park. We really did love that water. I *loved* canoeing.
Wait.. I wore pixie boots? Buahahaha. Oh wow.
Aww.. my grandma and grandpa W. *sniff*
I knew I was different, but I couldn't place how. I was significantly taller than most kids we hung out with at my dad's, including my (step, both) brother and sister. They were short (I think I still have them beat. My sister, anyways). So I remember always feeling.. out of proportion (read: growing). But *never* unhealthy and never... fat. Fat came later.
I can't tell you the exact day or time things turned. I can tell you by the pictures I started to put on a couple more pounds at around 13? Definitely 14. But I was still.. fairly 'normal' looking. All I remember is being made to feel by family (more so the house I grew up in, than at my dad's)... not normal and always being "chunky" or having "a few extra pounds" or... /insert criticism here/. I can inflect that it was a certain family member, but I'll stop while I'm ahead.
Demons. I had voices in my head about not being enough at an age where I should have been told I *was* enough and that I *was* healthy, etc etc. Someone decided to inflect their opinions and their own demons on MY life. And of course, enter highschool where judgement is everywhere and it all went downhill from there. The mental and emotional abuse that occurred in the home goes without saying (towards contributing). Without a frequent enough support system and healthy way of viewing the self, I was pre-destined to fail.
Remember that complex I started having? Well, I failed. In this category, it has been a constant battle for 25 years.. and I failed. I'm probably at my worse weight to date and have picked up extra health ailments along the way for fun. Don't worry, the self-criticism will stop soon (another bonus from my past). Now I have to re-write those demons. Or really.. tell them to fuck off. Because that's all they are. Demons. They're as big or as little as I want them to be. HOW to tell them to take a hike, I haven't worked that out yet. Is it that simple? Do I just tell them they're not serving me anymore and to leave? I don't know. More of a stark realization, is seeing that they're mostly someone else's demons/voices. Mine just learned to come along for the ride. Oh, and of course pick up the slack when those real voices weren't as strong... cause... apparently I'm a glutton for punishment. Learned behaviour is.. learned. Always have some sort of negative attention.
Anyhoo... I can step back and realize I'm blessed I've seen the bigger picture. I've seen it wasn't me. I've seen I *was* enough just as I was at (eg) 8 years old. I have a lot of work to sooth and console the inner child. I'll need to give her some extra attention in the immediate future. I'll challenge every self-critical thought I have.
What is the 'silver lining' that I so often see, here? Hmm. It's obviously made me who I am today, but I am quick to say that "that" part of me I don't love so much (quick with the self-criticism there). But how else has it served me? How else has it shaped who I've become? This answer isn't so quick to the tongue, so I'll have to sit with it a while.
And by God, I'll do everything in my power to not become the 'parent' to W's 3 boys like how some others were parents to me. I won't continue that pattern of handing-down demons. I'm not perfect, and I might even fail sometimes, but I'll be quick to forgive and repair it when I can.
Challenge where your inner demons come from. Ask yourself if they're serving you any purpose. If they're not, tell yourself it's okay to let them go. Really. It's okay.
It's the First Sunday of Advent this weekend. I do love Christmas in the Church; it's so magical. Find your faith, whatever it is, and find those that care about you and surround yourself with them. Life is too short to live by someone else's fears and anger.
Friday, September 19, 2014
I Continue to Find Myself
A hundred things to do and all I want to do is (feel overwhelmed not being able to pick one and) procrastinate and blog. I'm feeling quite hungry so I've grabbed leftovers of a salad in the fridge until I can decide what to make for a real lunch. I have a craving for mac 'n cheese, but I don't think we have the necessary ingredients for me to make it.
I've been quiet for the past month because I've been working out a lot in my head. Almost a month back I'd had a bad day. Like, a really bad day. I'd become so homesick, I'd felt this bottomless black pit of a swirling hole inside me that was no longer filled. I wanted nothing but to go back. I felt trapped. I felt alone. I fell into a deep depression (uncrontrollable crying, not eating, oversleeping, no talking, etc) for 24hrs. I'd left my family (read: my friends are my family). How could I leave my family? I felt the pangs of separation like I was that 12-year old girl away at (2 week-long) camp for the first time. The inconsolable pangs of questioning if you did the right thing, how to fix it and how to make the pain go away (read: get home as soon as possible). Even in my darkest hour I know I've done the right thing, that was no question, but I also knew there was no taking the pain away. I'd just have to ride it out. I knew my friends were my family and I knew I relied on them a lot, but it only occurred to me now how much. I'd been grateful enough to receive care packages from a couple friends when closer to when I first arrived and I'd wanted nothing more at this time, yet I had problems asking for it. I'd wanted that tangible...something.. that helped me feel connected to a place I'd left behind. I didn't want to put anyone out and I guess I knew it was a temporary 'feeling' and as soon as it would pass, that 'tangible something' would arrive beyond my difficulties. Funny thinking, that. As if I could appreciate something like that any less.
I didn't discuss it with any of my Canadian friends, by choice. It was part of letting go and the growth process. I know I could have, and I know I would have been loved and consoled. But this was also an opportunity for my "new" family to prove themselves (for lack of better terms), or to show me what place they will take in my life, just like everyone had a place in my life in Canada. I'm not trying to say this in a haughty way. I'm not trying to replace you at all, but in such circumstances, one needs to find ways on creating a new life in an effort to fill the void. W. talked with me about it a lot. I was able to voice what I'd discovered about myself, my parents (original and newly adopted), my past. I got to see some things in a new light. It was a dark hole, but it was fueled with a higher light and higher purpose.
"Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it."
~ Terry Pratchett
As predicted, I've come out of it okay. Even further ahead. Anytime you learn something about yourself it's a bonus, I say.
This was all happening while I was anxious to make that certain trip I'd talked about in my last post. In fact, I wanted to make the trip even more at this point because of the above. It's no secret anymore because it didn't happen. I was supposed to get my tax money from the CRA, except they didn't finish it in time (and why they hadn't I'll never understand; it's not high tax season, the bastards). With that money, I was going to go to London, UK. One of my friends from Canada was travelling over and I wanted dearly to meet up with her. A real life hug from a Canadian friend.. how joyous that would have been. I also have an internet friend there and would have met up with her as well. It wasn't meant to be, unfortunately, so I was a bit sad over that. (The money still hasn't come through, btw.) :<
There are other things I've learned about myself, but this post is heavy already so it'll have to wait. On a lighter note, one of our neighbours who just moved in a month or so ago (a younger couple) had the courtesy to stop by and let us know an FYI that they would be having a party Monday night for her birthday and there would be noise, stuff going on outside, etc. She said we were welcomed to stop by... and I think we will :) We're looking forward to it.
I haven't had a phone for a little while now and ...argh. I mean, I'm living fine without it, but it sure comes in handy when you're out. And for messaging. And instant translating. It's my old (well, 3yr old) Samsung Galaxy SII. Problems with the motherboard we think (after much research and troubleshooting). I took most of the photos off a while ago, thank goodness, but I'm afraid I've lost some contacts now and recent photos. I don't remember what all I put on my card, so it'll be a surprise when I put it in my new phone. My dad's sending me his old 4s when he picks up the 6. It can't come soon enough! :)
It's the weekend! I have singing tomorrow morning. I forget the occasion, but we're singing the Litany of the Saints (Latin version). We're doing a lot of Latin songs tomorrow. We have a version of O Taste and See (I apologize in advance; turn your sound down, quality isn't great and.. you can turn it off after 20 seonds. Really. It doesn't get much better) that I don't care for as much as the one we did at COOL. We have a Marty Haugen song that it true to Marty Haugen form (Soli del Gloria) simple but pleasant :) What other Marty Haugen song have we done? Was it this one? We're also doing Veni Creator Spiritus and while I love singing Gregorian Chants, this one was new for me and a bit awkward to learn in the appointed time, but I'll be trying my best. You have to get the flow and once I get that, it's just a matter of putting words to chant/music. I can't find the Kyrie Eleison we're doing (Rombach), but it's beautiful and one of my favourite.
Well, I've been sitting for a while, so I'm going to get up and moving. Gonna head into town to the grocery store for a couple of last-minute things for dinner. Hope you have a wonderful weekend planned and if you're as fortunate as us - enjoy the weather! The cold will be upon us before long.
Be well :)
I've been quiet for the past month because I've been working out a lot in my head. Almost a month back I'd had a bad day. Like, a really bad day. I'd become so homesick, I'd felt this bottomless black pit of a swirling hole inside me that was no longer filled. I wanted nothing but to go back. I felt trapped. I felt alone. I fell into a deep depression (uncrontrollable crying, not eating, oversleeping, no talking, etc) for 24hrs. I'd left my family (read: my friends are my family). How could I leave my family? I felt the pangs of separation like I was that 12-year old girl away at (2 week-long) camp for the first time. The inconsolable pangs of questioning if you did the right thing, how to fix it and how to make the pain go away (read: get home as soon as possible). Even in my darkest hour I know I've done the right thing, that was no question, but I also knew there was no taking the pain away. I'd just have to ride it out. I knew my friends were my family and I knew I relied on them a lot, but it only occurred to me now how much. I'd been grateful enough to receive care packages from a couple friends when closer to when I first arrived and I'd wanted nothing more at this time, yet I had problems asking for it. I'd wanted that tangible...something.. that helped me feel connected to a place I'd left behind. I didn't want to put anyone out and I guess I knew it was a temporary 'feeling' and as soon as it would pass, that 'tangible something' would arrive beyond my difficulties. Funny thinking, that. As if I could appreciate something like that any less.
I didn't discuss it with any of my Canadian friends, by choice. It was part of letting go and the growth process. I know I could have, and I know I would have been loved and consoled. But this was also an opportunity for my "new" family to prove themselves (for lack of better terms), or to show me what place they will take in my life, just like everyone had a place in my life in Canada. I'm not trying to say this in a haughty way. I'm not trying to replace you at all, but in such circumstances, one needs to find ways on creating a new life in an effort to fill the void. W. talked with me about it a lot. I was able to voice what I'd discovered about myself, my parents (original and newly adopted), my past. I got to see some things in a new light. It was a dark hole, but it was fueled with a higher light and higher purpose.
"Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it."
~ Terry Pratchett
As predicted, I've come out of it okay. Even further ahead. Anytime you learn something about yourself it's a bonus, I say.
This was all happening while I was anxious to make that certain trip I'd talked about in my last post. In fact, I wanted to make the trip even more at this point because of the above. It's no secret anymore because it didn't happen. I was supposed to get my tax money from the CRA, except they didn't finish it in time (and why they hadn't I'll never understand; it's not high tax season, the bastards). With that money, I was going to go to London, UK. One of my friends from Canada was travelling over and I wanted dearly to meet up with her. A real life hug from a Canadian friend.. how joyous that would have been. I also have an internet friend there and would have met up with her as well. It wasn't meant to be, unfortunately, so I was a bit sad over that. (The money still hasn't come through, btw.) :<
There are other things I've learned about myself, but this post is heavy already so it'll have to wait. On a lighter note, one of our neighbours who just moved in a month or so ago (a younger couple) had the courtesy to stop by and let us know an FYI that they would be having a party Monday night for her birthday and there would be noise, stuff going on outside, etc. She said we were welcomed to stop by... and I think we will :) We're looking forward to it.
I haven't had a phone for a little while now and ...argh. I mean, I'm living fine without it, but it sure comes in handy when you're out. And for messaging. And instant translating. It's my old (well, 3yr old) Samsung Galaxy SII. Problems with the motherboard we think (after much research and troubleshooting). I took most of the photos off a while ago, thank goodness, but I'm afraid I've lost some contacts now and recent photos. I don't remember what all I put on my card, so it'll be a surprise when I put it in my new phone. My dad's sending me his old 4s when he picks up the 6. It can't come soon enough! :)
It's the weekend! I have singing tomorrow morning. I forget the occasion, but we're singing the Litany of the Saints (Latin version). We're doing a lot of Latin songs tomorrow. We have a version of O Taste and See (I apologize in advance; turn your sound down, quality isn't great and.. you can turn it off after 20 seonds. Really. It doesn't get much better) that I don't care for as much as the one we did at COOL. We have a Marty Haugen song that it true to Marty Haugen form (Soli del Gloria) simple but pleasant :) What other Marty Haugen song have we done? Was it this one? We're also doing Veni Creator Spiritus and while I love singing Gregorian Chants, this one was new for me and a bit awkward to learn in the appointed time, but I'll be trying my best. You have to get the flow and once I get that, it's just a matter of putting words to chant/music. I can't find the Kyrie Eleison we're doing (Rombach), but it's beautiful and one of my favourite.
Well, I've been sitting for a while, so I'm going to get up and moving. Gonna head into town to the grocery store for a couple of last-minute things for dinner. Hope you have a wonderful weekend planned and if you're as fortunate as us - enjoy the weather! The cold will be upon us before long.
Be well :)
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Unemployment Woes
There have been a million things going on and a million more on my mind, so I haven't the time to write as much as I'd like to. I'm going to write about more pressing thoughts today, though. I'm waiting for the rain to pass before I go out (though it seems never-ending lately), so it affords me the time.
I was just looking online for work and I came to a roadblock. Well, what I call a roadblock (so it probably means it's not, really. Read: self-imposed). I was going to forward my resume to this company for a series of jobs they have in hospitality or kitchen help, etc. They asked usual information.. name, address, phone, CV, motivation (what we'd call a cover letter), etc. Then they also want a photo and your date of birth. Right, cause we all remember how well giving my age went last time. And photo? Really? Well, you can see their prorities. Not that I'm saying I feel I necessarily have anything to worry about, but I'm having a rough go as it is, so I don't need reason #563 of why someone won't hire me.
I've been applying for multiple jobs, anything English that I might be remotely qualified for. So far.. nadda. My dilemma is this: I don't want to apply for jobs that I'm over-qualified for, just in effort to get a job. I don't see why I should have to devalue myself, just to get money. And honestly, I've been doing that the last 20-some years I've been working, so I'm kind of tired of it. But you know the caveat with that... higher standards means less of a chance for a job. Which means we go longer without money. So.. what's a girl to do? Do I give them my photo and chance it? Do I take that cleaning job that I *really* don't want? Do I start at the bottom of an organization again?
I'm 38. Starting at the bottom, to me, is not an option... but #firstworldproblems (this is a jab at me) .. many immigrants all over the world take jobs they "don't want" and are very "over-qualified for", just to get an income (I once worked with a man in Toronto who was an engineer in India. A bloody brilliant one, too, but because of country-to-country qualifications, he'd have to take certain tests or something in Canada and they costed a LOT of money, so he wasn't able, so retail it was). So what am I whining about? Suck it up, princess.
Thing is, I'm not ready to yet. I'm not ready to accept less than I think I'm worth. That's quite a perception though, isn't it, and a hella risky one. Yet I continue to have faith something will come up when it's meant to but... how long will that last me? I have and feel an obligation to provide in this household, so when I'm not it feels like stress (almost more than everything I've just written).
To top it off, there have been external events the past few days that have caused even more stress and things are a little tense around here. Well, they're improving, but slowly and hesitantly. We're both very, very overwhemed, so I apologize if this feels like a 'heavy' or 'down' sort of post. Just trying to burrow through and make sense of anything else in the meantime. I'm making an active effort not to sink into a depression.
I'd like your feedback; how do you think I should approach jobs? I do not wish for you to comment on my mental state; it is something I won't apologize for and is a by-product of other situations, but any other thoughts are more than welcomed. Do I place value not in myself, but in the job itself.. it is what you make it after all. Or do I uphold my sense of self and sense of value and apply only for these kinds of jobs?
The stupid thing is, I would have had a job months ago if I had computer or engineering qualifications. They need those people like crazy. Quick.. engineering through osmosis. Aaaaand... go!
Be well. We're half way through the week!
I was just looking online for work and I came to a roadblock. Well, what I call a roadblock (so it probably means it's not, really. Read: self-imposed). I was going to forward my resume to this company for a series of jobs they have in hospitality or kitchen help, etc. They asked usual information.. name, address, phone, CV, motivation (what we'd call a cover letter), etc. Then they also want a photo and your date of birth. Right, cause we all remember how well giving my age went last time. And photo? Really? Well, you can see their prorities. Not that I'm saying I feel I necessarily have anything to worry about, but I'm having a rough go as it is, so I don't need reason #563 of why someone won't hire me.
I've been applying for multiple jobs, anything English that I might be remotely qualified for. So far.. nadda. My dilemma is this: I don't want to apply for jobs that I'm over-qualified for, just in effort to get a job. I don't see why I should have to devalue myself, just to get money. And honestly, I've been doing that the last 20-some years I've been working, so I'm kind of tired of it. But you know the caveat with that... higher standards means less of a chance for a job. Which means we go longer without money. So.. what's a girl to do? Do I give them my photo and chance it? Do I take that cleaning job that I *really* don't want? Do I start at the bottom of an organization again?
I'm 38. Starting at the bottom, to me, is not an option... but #firstworldproblems (this is a jab at me) .. many immigrants all over the world take jobs they "don't want" and are very "over-qualified for", just to get an income (I once worked with a man in Toronto who was an engineer in India. A bloody brilliant one, too, but because of country-to-country qualifications, he'd have to take certain tests or something in Canada and they costed a LOT of money, so he wasn't able, so retail it was). So what am I whining about? Suck it up, princess.
Thing is, I'm not ready to yet. I'm not ready to accept less than I think I'm worth. That's quite a perception though, isn't it, and a hella risky one. Yet I continue to have faith something will come up when it's meant to but... how long will that last me? I have and feel an obligation to provide in this household, so when I'm not it feels like stress (almost more than everything I've just written).
To top it off, there have been external events the past few days that have caused even more stress and things are a little tense around here. Well, they're improving, but slowly and hesitantly. We're both very, very overwhemed, so I apologize if this feels like a 'heavy' or 'down' sort of post. Just trying to burrow through and make sense of anything else in the meantime. I'm making an active effort not to sink into a depression.
I'd like your feedback; how do you think I should approach jobs? I do not wish for you to comment on my mental state; it is something I won't apologize for and is a by-product of other situations, but any other thoughts are more than welcomed. Do I place value not in myself, but in the job itself.. it is what you make it after all. Or do I uphold my sense of self and sense of value and apply only for these kinds of jobs?
The stupid thing is, I would have had a job months ago if I had computer or engineering qualifications. They need those people like crazy. Quick.. engineering through osmosis. Aaaaand... go!
Be well. We're half way through the week!
Friday, February 28, 2014
This Is Not the Movies (long post)
Warning: some language.
Let's be honest, this blog is my therapy. Sure it's nice to write and catch you up on stuff, but it also helps me to talk about things that happen. Like last night. Sooo.... I'm gonna start out with the not so good.
The not so good: I was at choir last night for practice and already for the first song I was a bit overwhelmed. Remember I'm learning new music to new words in a new section (alto). Not only on top of having to pay attention to all of that, I have to *try* to understand what the director is saying (thank goodness for hand gestures). Oh and hey, did I mention the song we were working on changed time like.. 5 times? 3/2, 4/4, 3/4, 5/8 and hey, let's bring it back to 3/2 time again. I almost lost my shit. Okay, so mostly I just listen and word-follow until I get the hang of it. We're on a small break between songs and this old man behind me taps me on the shoulder and starts saying something in Dutch at like, 100 mph. My head kind of spins at that point and I say with a smile, "Woa, sorry sweetheart, you're gonna have to say that in English." "You're going to have to learn Dutch!" he says. I want to burst into tears. Instead, I pull myself together in a micro-second and say pleasantly with a smile, "I am!" He received that well and continued to tell me he could put a 'map' together for me if I'd like (map in Dutch = folder in English). I said that would be wonderful and anything will help.
I was 'off' the rest of the practice. I wanted to walk away, do an ugly cry and sit in that church and ask God why the HELL I'm even here. So I did that, at coffee break (where we practice is a separate room from the nave of the church). I didn't really feel like conversing with anyone else, so The Big Guy and I had a few words. I stood facing the altar. Well, perhaps I was more upset and angry and maybe doing a, "I've gotten myself into this, please help me get out of it" stare. I took a breath and returned to practice, fighting back tears and asking myself the entire time, "Why am I even here?" & angry at the man's remarks. I knew it was going to take one asshole to make a comment like that, I'm just surprised it took so long.
Now don't get me wrong, I sing with very pleasant people. This is just a man who didn't bother to think before he spoke; I've been to like, 4 practices, I've been in the country 8 months, I'm not fluent yet.. and you can't start rambling to me out of nowhere at 100 mph thinking I'm going to understand you. This is me being defensive. If I'm going to be proper about it, maybe I need to take ownership of what I said, and maybe he was the one being defensive. Maybe I could have worded what I said differently. This isn't the first time. Maybe I need to acknowledge this instance shook me to my core because he hit a nerve. If I'm *really* honest, I need to acknowledge I haven't been pushing myself as hard as I a) should be and b) normally would to learn the language. Why? Multiple reasons I guess, but it doesn't matter right now.
When you see Julia Roberts (Eat, Pray, Love) move to Italy, practicing the language, speaking fluently without any negative responses or heartache, it lends romanticism to being in a new country.
Nothing prepares you for this transition. Absolutely nothing. I walked into this knowing there would be hard days, I knew it wouldn't always be easy and romantic. But some days just drop kick you out of nowhere and you're lying on the ground with cartoon stars and exclamation points shaking your head wondering wtf.
Don't get me wrong, I still want to be here. I still want to continue living and creating a life here. When you ask me how I'm doing, I'll say fantastic. That's 'cause the good out-weighs the bad ten-fold. I don't know what these days do. I guess they sort of keep me in check, remind me (like I needed it) that I'm the foreigner, keep me grounded, that with 1 person who doesn't understand, there are 20 who do. I've been out of my comfort zone for 8 months. Do I even have a comfort zone here? I don't know what defines that, yet. Also, I think your perception of inhabiting a country is different for when you just visit, or move there permanently.
Bah. Enough of that stuff. I need to catch you up on the good.
The great: I went to the retirement home a few weeks ago and had a meeting. It went fantastic! In a strange twist of fate, I went in inquiring about socializing with the residents, but once she heard about my food/kitchen experience, she was on me like white on rice to volunteer in the kitchen. I don't think I could have said no if I wanted to :P She told me they barely use their kitchen anymore (they bring food in). Maybe basic things like soup or stamppot. There's an oven there that's barely being used. "Oh, that's so sad!" I said. "It is!" she returned. So she was going to talk to her collegue and get back to me. We now have a meeting next Thursday. Dude... a kitchen all to myself. I can't even wrap my head around it. She took me for a tour and indeed, it was pretty empty. That lonely oven was just sitting there, calling to me :P So we'll see what they need me for and how else I can contribute. The cogs are already turning.
I've created a Facebook page for my "business" (I still use the term loosely as I'm not fully developed yet), FKNL (Food Knows No Language). Please go 'like' it if you haven't yet! And W and I were looking at web hosting sites to see who we should go with, to make a webpage. I still have to price my recipes, order packaging, make sure I have an extensive list of what I want to sell. These are all tedious things and I keep putting them off. When we create the webpage, I'll publish it here so you can take a look!
We've had great weather lately. Temperatures have been hovering around 10 degrees C lately (aside from today and the next few). Still, being so close to the sea it's cool and often windy. Doesn't feel as nice as 10 degrees should. I hear you're still getting hammered with snow back in Canada. You must be sick of it. Hang in there, March is just around the corner.
Busy day today so I'm going to get moving. Not many plans for the weekend; W works tomorrow so I'm not sure how I'm going to fill my time. I have a chat date in the afternoon though, that I'm highly looking forward to. Sunday we've asked W's parents over for breakfast (pancakes - Canada style). Maybe I'll go to market tomorrow morning, if the weather is pleasant (read: not raining).
Hope you have a great weekend! Have fun!
Let's be honest, this blog is my therapy. Sure it's nice to write and catch you up on stuff, but it also helps me to talk about things that happen. Like last night. Sooo.... I'm gonna start out with the not so good.
The not so good: I was at choir last night for practice and already for the first song I was a bit overwhelmed. Remember I'm learning new music to new words in a new section (alto). Not only on top of having to pay attention to all of that, I have to *try* to understand what the director is saying (thank goodness for hand gestures). Oh and hey, did I mention the song we were working on changed time like.. 5 times? 3/2, 4/4, 3/4, 5/8 and hey, let's bring it back to 3/2 time again. I almost lost my shit. Okay, so mostly I just listen and word-follow until I get the hang of it. We're on a small break between songs and this old man behind me taps me on the shoulder and starts saying something in Dutch at like, 100 mph. My head kind of spins at that point and I say with a smile, "Woa, sorry sweetheart, you're gonna have to say that in English." "You're going to have to learn Dutch!" he says. I want to burst into tears. Instead, I pull myself together in a micro-second and say pleasantly with a smile, "I am!" He received that well and continued to tell me he could put a 'map' together for me if I'd like (map in Dutch = folder in English). I said that would be wonderful and anything will help.
I was 'off' the rest of the practice. I wanted to walk away, do an ugly cry and sit in that church and ask God why the HELL I'm even here. So I did that, at coffee break (where we practice is a separate room from the nave of the church). I didn't really feel like conversing with anyone else, so The Big Guy and I had a few words. I stood facing the altar. Well, perhaps I was more upset and angry and maybe doing a, "I've gotten myself into this, please help me get out of it" stare. I took a breath and returned to practice, fighting back tears and asking myself the entire time, "Why am I even here?" & angry at the man's remarks. I knew it was going to take one asshole to make a comment like that, I'm just surprised it took so long.
Now don't get me wrong, I sing with very pleasant people. This is just a man who didn't bother to think before he spoke; I've been to like, 4 practices, I've been in the country 8 months, I'm not fluent yet.. and you can't start rambling to me out of nowhere at 100 mph thinking I'm going to understand you. This is me being defensive. If I'm going to be proper about it, maybe I need to take ownership of what I said, and maybe he was the one being defensive. Maybe I could have worded what I said differently. This isn't the first time. Maybe I need to acknowledge this instance shook me to my core because he hit a nerve. If I'm *really* honest, I need to acknowledge I haven't been pushing myself as hard as I a) should be and b) normally would to learn the language. Why? Multiple reasons I guess, but it doesn't matter right now.
When you see Julia Roberts (Eat, Pray, Love) move to Italy, practicing the language, speaking fluently without any negative responses or heartache, it lends romanticism to being in a new country.
Nothing prepares you for this transition. Absolutely nothing. I walked into this knowing there would be hard days, I knew it wouldn't always be easy and romantic. But some days just drop kick you out of nowhere and you're lying on the ground with cartoon stars and exclamation points shaking your head wondering wtf.
Don't get me wrong, I still want to be here. I still want to continue living and creating a life here. When you ask me how I'm doing, I'll say fantastic. That's 'cause the good out-weighs the bad ten-fold. I don't know what these days do. I guess they sort of keep me in check, remind me (like I needed it) that I'm the foreigner, keep me grounded, that with 1 person who doesn't understand, there are 20 who do. I've been out of my comfort zone for 8 months. Do I even have a comfort zone here? I don't know what defines that, yet. Also, I think your perception of inhabiting a country is different for when you just visit, or move there permanently.
Bah. Enough of that stuff. I need to catch you up on the good.
The great: I went to the retirement home a few weeks ago and had a meeting. It went fantastic! In a strange twist of fate, I went in inquiring about socializing with the residents, but once she heard about my food/kitchen experience, she was on me like white on rice to volunteer in the kitchen. I don't think I could have said no if I wanted to :P She told me they barely use their kitchen anymore (they bring food in). Maybe basic things like soup or stamppot. There's an oven there that's barely being used. "Oh, that's so sad!" I said. "It is!" she returned. So she was going to talk to her collegue and get back to me. We now have a meeting next Thursday. Dude... a kitchen all to myself. I can't even wrap my head around it. She took me for a tour and indeed, it was pretty empty. That lonely oven was just sitting there, calling to me :P So we'll see what they need me for and how else I can contribute. The cogs are already turning.
I've created a Facebook page for my "business" (I still use the term loosely as I'm not fully developed yet), FKNL (Food Knows No Language). Please go 'like' it if you haven't yet! And W and I were looking at web hosting sites to see who we should go with, to make a webpage. I still have to price my recipes, order packaging, make sure I have an extensive list of what I want to sell. These are all tedious things and I keep putting them off. When we create the webpage, I'll publish it here so you can take a look!
We've had great weather lately. Temperatures have been hovering around 10 degrees C lately (aside from today and the next few). Still, being so close to the sea it's cool and often windy. Doesn't feel as nice as 10 degrees should. I hear you're still getting hammered with snow back in Canada. You must be sick of it. Hang in there, March is just around the corner.
Busy day today so I'm going to get moving. Not many plans for the weekend; W works tomorrow so I'm not sure how I'm going to fill my time. I have a chat date in the afternoon though, that I'm highly looking forward to. Sunday we've asked W's parents over for breakfast (pancakes - Canada style). Maybe I'll go to market tomorrow morning, if the weather is pleasant (read: not raining).
Hope you have a great weekend! Have fun!
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
More Confessions (a long, rambling post)
I remember a quote that has stuck with me from many years ago, "Face fear with fear." I might have challenged the phrase a bit in my head now and then, but for some reason it always stuck with me. Or perhaps you've heard,"There's nothing to fear but fear itself." That one is easy - fear can cripple you and incapacitate you. Sometimes we give our fears too much of a voice and they take centre stage. Sometimes we actually get to play the main character and tell fear to f*ck off. I'm trying to make today one of those days.
In usual fashion, I'm voicing things outloud here that I haven't fully given voice to otherwise. I think it's something I need to write down to make more tangible instead of continuously kicking it around in my head. I think today I am ready.
When I was at my 6-month mark here (Jan 4th) I felt a sort of shift; I became a bit more comfortable, a bit more settled. Not completely, of course, but a new sort of settled than I was before. The past month (wow, it actually has been a month as of today; I am now here 7 months) I've done a bit more shifting, a bit more... remembering how I would like things to be (instead of always feeling overwhelm or just trying to figure shit out or plan my future for the next 6 months). This is good because it helps shift my perspective. I think I've become a little self-absorbed (not in a way that affects others, in fact I have kept this persona very quiet and personal) when instead I need to be self-absorbed but in a, "I need to do .. whatever action... for my own benefit and productivity" sort of way. I don't know if that makes sense? Anyways, I'm getting off on a tangent.
I've neglected to inquire at the local seniors centre for volunteering because I know immediately there will be a language barrier. Sometimes I get so (mentally) exhausted having to translate things in my head (rather what they're saying to me or what I need to say to them) that I just want to throw in the towel at the end of the day and not even try and just take a break. I don't want to deal with puzzled looks, hesitations, fumbling. It really is exhausting. Even thinking about it exhausts me and causes anxiety. But, I signed up for it, so I suppose I should suck it up. Anyways, fear of a few things has prohibited me from speaking to anyone at the retirement home and I've just kept putting it off. In fact, I originally had the plan of a girlfriend to come with me for support; she would do intro discussion and I didn't mind carrying on the rest, with some translation help of course. She's incredibly busy, though, and getting together is difficult. I haven't been ready to go it alone. Until this week. I don't want to wait anymore. My desire to volunteer there because it's something I know I enjoy doing is starting to outweigh my fears of putting it off. So I'm going to try to take my fear - the part of me that paralyzes me and incapacitates me - and go speak to someone at the home. The worst that can happen? We don't understand each other and I go back with my friend, or W. The best thing that could happen? It gets the ball rolling right away. I think that's part of what scares me, too; that it's going to force me more interaction into people/society than I've had yet (which involves of course, more puzzled looks, more translations, more hesitations.. more exhaustion) but I have to treat this the way I did with choir; maybe my fears are bigger than reality. Maybe I will be well received, even speaking mostly English, and I'll actually get along okay.
Since I'm getting over (yet another) cold, I went for a walk tonight instead of going to the gym. It was dusk and there was just enough light to go around the neighbourhood for half an hour. I was very cognizant of my walking; it was brisk, I was clenched and had irratic breathing. No. This was meant to be a relaxing walk. I had to actually force myself to slow down my pace and breathing. When more calm, I would still notice feelings of anxiety pop up now and then; I just had to breathe them out.
The theme that's been presented to me the past few days is to "let it go," whatever 'it' happened to be (I can think of a few examples where this applies). Without going into a long story and making this an even longer post, I have been exhibiting possible personal attributes that are causing me to 'protect myself' (I use the term loosely). Protect myself from what I don't know, but I think being in a new land has affected me on a deeper level than I'm able to realize. Getting on the plane and coming here was the easy part. Integrating permanently in a country where you don't speak the language? Much harder. Whatever 'it' is that I'm protecting myself from, I need to let go of those fears. I have to remind myself I'm surrounded by caring friends and family that are hella supportive and will catch me if I fall. Oh... but what if I succeed. I think for me that's even scarier. But that's a whole other post.
So.. onward I go. That's where my thinking stops, so if I come up with more you can be sure to hear from me.
Hope the week is treating you well.
In usual fashion, I'm voicing things outloud here that I haven't fully given voice to otherwise. I think it's something I need to write down to make more tangible instead of continuously kicking it around in my head. I think today I am ready.
When I was at my 6-month mark here (Jan 4th) I felt a sort of shift; I became a bit more comfortable, a bit more settled. Not completely, of course, but a new sort of settled than I was before. The past month (wow, it actually has been a month as of today; I am now here 7 months) I've done a bit more shifting, a bit more... remembering how I would like things to be (instead of always feeling overwhelm or just trying to figure shit out or plan my future for the next 6 months). This is good because it helps shift my perspective. I think I've become a little self-absorbed (not in a way that affects others, in fact I have kept this persona very quiet and personal) when instead I need to be self-absorbed but in a, "I need to do .. whatever action... for my own benefit and productivity" sort of way. I don't know if that makes sense? Anyways, I'm getting off on a tangent.
I've neglected to inquire at the local seniors centre for volunteering because I know immediately there will be a language barrier. Sometimes I get so (mentally) exhausted having to translate things in my head (rather what they're saying to me or what I need to say to them) that I just want to throw in the towel at the end of the day and not even try and just take a break. I don't want to deal with puzzled looks, hesitations, fumbling. It really is exhausting. Even thinking about it exhausts me and causes anxiety. But, I signed up for it, so I suppose I should suck it up. Anyways, fear of a few things has prohibited me from speaking to anyone at the retirement home and I've just kept putting it off. In fact, I originally had the plan of a girlfriend to come with me for support; she would do intro discussion and I didn't mind carrying on the rest, with some translation help of course. She's incredibly busy, though, and getting together is difficult. I haven't been ready to go it alone. Until this week. I don't want to wait anymore. My desire to volunteer there because it's something I know I enjoy doing is starting to outweigh my fears of putting it off. So I'm going to try to take my fear - the part of me that paralyzes me and incapacitates me - and go speak to someone at the home. The worst that can happen? We don't understand each other and I go back with my friend, or W. The best thing that could happen? It gets the ball rolling right away. I think that's part of what scares me, too; that it's going to force me more interaction into people/society than I've had yet (which involves of course, more puzzled looks, more translations, more hesitations.. more exhaustion) but I have to treat this the way I did with choir; maybe my fears are bigger than reality. Maybe I will be well received, even speaking mostly English, and I'll actually get along okay.
Since I'm getting over (yet another) cold, I went for a walk tonight instead of going to the gym. It was dusk and there was just enough light to go around the neighbourhood for half an hour. I was very cognizant of my walking; it was brisk, I was clenched and had irratic breathing. No. This was meant to be a relaxing walk. I had to actually force myself to slow down my pace and breathing. When more calm, I would still notice feelings of anxiety pop up now and then; I just had to breathe them out.
The theme that's been presented to me the past few days is to "let it go," whatever 'it' happened to be (I can think of a few examples where this applies). Without going into a long story and making this an even longer post, I have been exhibiting possible personal attributes that are causing me to 'protect myself' (I use the term loosely). Protect myself from what I don't know, but I think being in a new land has affected me on a deeper level than I'm able to realize. Getting on the plane and coming here was the easy part. Integrating permanently in a country where you don't speak the language? Much harder. Whatever 'it' is that I'm protecting myself from, I need to let go of those fears. I have to remind myself I'm surrounded by caring friends and family that are hella supportive and will catch me if I fall. Oh... but what if I succeed. I think for me that's even scarier. But that's a whole other post.
So.. onward I go. That's where my thinking stops, so if I come up with more you can be sure to hear from me.
Hope the week is treating you well.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
There Are Good Days, and Then There Are Bad...
I went to the gym yesterday to meet up with a new friend. Found her, chatted a bit and started on my workout. Yesterday was just cardio so I hit the treadmill for a half an hour. There were two women to my left who seemed to know each other and were talking. After warming up, I increased my speed and started running for a few minutes. They seemed amazed (?), said something to each other, then the lady closest to me looked over and said something Friesian with a smile. I said in response (also with a smile), "Sorry, I only speak English." So she nods, turns around and starts talking to her friend again as if I didn't exist. I received no acknowledgement at all.
*blank stare*
Wtf just happened? I was more put off by her rudeness not acknowledging me, than by her refusal to speak English. This is what I face here sometimes. When I say they don't speak English here... THEY DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH HERE.
When I detach my emotions from the situation, I can tell you she was startled at the English as it's not regularly encountered, probably felt too timid to try and it was just easier to not talk at all (at least, I hope this is it). Was it rude? Yes. Is it a common response? Not entirely. When I ask people to say what they said in English, they get put off by it and don't repeat it at all, but at least most continue some form of conversation. Also, if I step back, I could have approached the situation differently and responded in a way that was more open, and not perhaps closing off the conversation.
By the time I'd gathered myself together and thought of a proper, friendly response, they were done and had walked away. Fail.
If I put my emotion back into it (like I did last night), I felt shunned, tiny, distant from a place I'm trying to connect, insignificant, like a jerk, wonder why I bother... I could make a list. It also was a straw that broke the camels back and it felt 10 times worse than the situation actually was. It was another reminder that I'm the minority, this isn't my original home turf and I am of course the one that has to keep adapting, not necessarily them (at least I feel, more so).
My lack of response bothered me. The past few years and the move especially, I've become this person who doesn't say anything, tries to be the nice guy and let's things just smooth over. Anyone who knows me knows that's not who I am. I don't get walked over. I stand up for moments when I feel I'm being disrespected. I give my opinion. I'm a very passionate person. I'm not a little mouse in the corner, I'm a raging lion. Only, I know the reactions to the raging lion weren't always great and I have indeed become the little mouse - and now I'm trying to find a happy medium between the two. So many circumstances have come up lately that this has now become something that I can no longer ignore. It's time to change.
How do you see this behaviour when you expected more of yourself and are disappointed on so many levels... and still practice self-compassion? Brené Brown suggests expressing this intention, "I will talk to myself the same way I talk to the people I love." When your best friend or partner is beating on themselves for particular behaviour, do you say, "Yeah, you're being a jerk. You really shouldn't have done that. What were you thinking?" No. We approach them with love and kindness and give them the best empathetic response we can. It doesn't make saying that to ourselves any more acceptable.
I have to practice what I preach. Which is not easy.
Y'know what? It really sucks having to be a grown up sometimes. The only thing I wanted last night was to shut off, escape somewhere where my problems ceased to exist. I wanted to not make an effort. I wanted my home, my city, my street, my cat, my friends. I wanted the familiar. I am building a (fantastic) friend base here, but it just didn't feel the same to reach out to them. I wanted to call someone up from back home, go for a coffee and vent it off and go window shopping.
Instead, I cried it off, called it a day, woke up and brushed myself off and am trying this thing calledlife integration again. Hiccups will happen, I know that. This just reminded me to keep my wits about me and to try and remain more open to those around me who might have a harder time at adjusting to conversation than I do.
In the end I am thankful I get to learn about myself. Onward and upward!
*blank stare*
Wtf just happened? I was more put off by her rudeness not acknowledging me, than by her refusal to speak English. This is what I face here sometimes. When I say they don't speak English here... THEY DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH HERE.
When I detach my emotions from the situation, I can tell you she was startled at the English as it's not regularly encountered, probably felt too timid to try and it was just easier to not talk at all (at least, I hope this is it). Was it rude? Yes. Is it a common response? Not entirely. When I ask people to say what they said in English, they get put off by it and don't repeat it at all, but at least most continue some form of conversation. Also, if I step back, I could have approached the situation differently and responded in a way that was more open, and not perhaps closing off the conversation.
By the time I'd gathered myself together and thought of a proper, friendly response, they were done and had walked away. Fail.
If I put my emotion back into it (like I did last night), I felt shunned, tiny, distant from a place I'm trying to connect, insignificant, like a jerk, wonder why I bother... I could make a list. It also was a straw that broke the camels back and it felt 10 times worse than the situation actually was. It was another reminder that I'm the minority, this isn't my original home turf and I am of course the one that has to keep adapting, not necessarily them (at least I feel, more so).
My lack of response bothered me. The past few years and the move especially, I've become this person who doesn't say anything, tries to be the nice guy and let's things just smooth over. Anyone who knows me knows that's not who I am. I don't get walked over. I stand up for moments when I feel I'm being disrespected. I give my opinion. I'm a very passionate person. I'm not a little mouse in the corner, I'm a raging lion. Only, I know the reactions to the raging lion weren't always great and I have indeed become the little mouse - and now I'm trying to find a happy medium between the two. So many circumstances have come up lately that this has now become something that I can no longer ignore. It's time to change.
How do you see this behaviour when you expected more of yourself and are disappointed on so many levels... and still practice self-compassion? Brené Brown suggests expressing this intention, "I will talk to myself the same way I talk to the people I love." When your best friend or partner is beating on themselves for particular behaviour, do you say, "Yeah, you're being a jerk. You really shouldn't have done that. What were you thinking?" No. We approach them with love and kindness and give them the best empathetic response we can. It doesn't make saying that to ourselves any more acceptable.
I have to practice what I preach. Which is not easy.
Y'know what? It really sucks having to be a grown up sometimes. The only thing I wanted last night was to shut off, escape somewhere where my problems ceased to exist. I wanted to not make an effort. I wanted my home, my city, my street, my cat, my friends. I wanted the familiar. I am building a (fantastic) friend base here, but it just didn't feel the same to reach out to them. I wanted to call someone up from back home, go for a coffee and vent it off and go window shopping.
Instead, I cried it off, called it a day, woke up and brushed myself off and am trying this thing called
In the end I am thankful I get to learn about myself. Onward and upward!
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Babble
It's overcast again today. The weather is ubiquitous" with the region; rainy, as you hear it is. I forget how many days it's rained in a row. I've lost track.
Not much to write about today. I'm still struggling with the thought process "admitting I'm overwhelmed is a sign of weakness" and I've been thinking more (conciously, if that makes sense) about the move and it's going quite well. I'm "re"adjusting. Or is that re-re-adjusting? Anyways, I'm embracing the change one day at a time... and now... it's time to push through. Next week I will be getting my feet wet and going with a friend to find out if I can volunteer with the retirement home in town.
I need to generate an income as things are tight, so I've been looking into working from home and selling my baking. Unlike back home, apparently you don't have to have a registered (Health & Safety) kitchen to do so (though I believe the rules change if you do catering). This is nice to know. I think I will need to register as a business, though, as I'll need to advertise, do electronic payments and declare my income. What rules are attached to requirements of a business (min work hours per week, etc) still need to be further researched.
I think importing maple syrup is not a wise business proposition. This makes me a little sad. I did a bit of research with expats and they all seem to know where to find maple syrup (usually from Canada; sometimes not), so I wouldn't have cornered the market like I thought I would. I'm not laying the idea to rest yet, but I'm not sure now is the right time.
My energy has been beyond low lately; I don't feel like doing *anything*. Haven't been very productive at home. W. says he's been feeling the same, so I think we'll start taking Vit D supplements. I know my B12 has not caught up yet (my doctor and I have agreed to disagree on his dosage recommendation) so I might take supplements for that as well. Not feeling energetic/motivated has also dampened my desire to go to a gym. If I don't have energy for things around the house, how am I supposed to find the energy to work out? ...despite the desire. With the added weight, worsening body image and lack of desire, I'm going to head straight into a depression if I'm not careful.
On that happy note, I think I might go make lunch. Then after - cupcakes with buttercream icing! Yum! I've been putting this recipe off far too long so it's time.
It's Wednesday, so we're almost there! Hope the rest of the week goes smoothly for you!
Not much to write about today. I'm still struggling with the thought process "admitting I'm overwhelmed is a sign of weakness" and I've been thinking more (conciously, if that makes sense) about the move and it's going quite well. I'm "re"adjusting. Or is that re-re-adjusting? Anyways, I'm embracing the change one day at a time... and now... it's time to push through. Next week I will be getting my feet wet and going with a friend to find out if I can volunteer with the retirement home in town.
I need to generate an income as things are tight, so I've been looking into working from home and selling my baking. Unlike back home, apparently you don't have to have a registered (Health & Safety) kitchen to do so (though I believe the rules change if you do catering). This is nice to know. I think I will need to register as a business, though, as I'll need to advertise, do electronic payments and declare my income. What rules are attached to requirements of a business (min work hours per week, etc) still need to be further researched.
I think importing maple syrup is not a wise business proposition. This makes me a little sad. I did a bit of research with expats and they all seem to know where to find maple syrup (usually from Canada; sometimes not), so I wouldn't have cornered the market like I thought I would. I'm not laying the idea to rest yet, but I'm not sure now is the right time.
My energy has been beyond low lately; I don't feel like doing *anything*. Haven't been very productive at home. W. says he's been feeling the same, so I think we'll start taking Vit D supplements. I know my B12 has not caught up yet (my doctor and I have agreed to disagree on his dosage recommendation) so I might take supplements for that as well. Not feeling energetic/motivated has also dampened my desire to go to a gym. If I don't have energy for things around the house, how am I supposed to find the energy to work out? ...despite the desire. With the added weight, worsening body image and lack of desire, I'm going to head straight into a depression if I'm not careful.
On that happy note, I think I might go make lunch. Then after - cupcakes with buttercream icing! Yum! I've been putting this recipe off far too long so it's time.
It's Wednesday, so we're almost there! Hope the rest of the week goes smoothly for you!
Monday, October 28, 2013
Thankful
Good morning! Happy Monday! How are you recovering from the weekend? There was a lot going on I hear; house-warming parties, wine tours. My goodness you're a social bunch ;)
Yesterday I held my (late) Thanksgiving dinner for a party of 6. I was of two minds about it after last week's post/breakdown; I wasn't sure if I was ready to be surrounded by a few people or if I wanted time by myself, and When we arrived at the butcher Friday to pick up the turkey we were surprised; we ordered a 3 kilo turkey. We were presented with 6.9 kilos. That's over a 15 lb turkey! For 6 people! (Woo! Leftovers!) That was the smallest they could find and they did give us a fair deal, price wise. So we lugged out turkey home and found room for it in the fridge.
There was plenty of food on the table and everyone was quite sated. Turkey, ciabatta pancetta and apple stuffing (I made the night before and it was a hit), carrots, mashed potatoes, buns, green beans. For dessert there was a simple apple crisp and (homemade) Toblerone Semifreddo (semifreddo = 'half frozen', similar to ice cream). I have to say they were a perfect combination. Then tea and winding down.
His parents were sweet and got me a couple of small Friesian-style gifts (welcoming me to the country, STILL, after almost being here 4 months). Of the friends that came (a married couple), she gave me a food item (for my recipes) I've had a hard time locating. I've definitely been blessed to be around such generous people. It was a very 'gezellig' (cozy) evening.
Part of me is still very hesitant to get close to these people. I've just left my home base and I'm conscious enough to not want to fill the gaping void with just anyone. These people aren't just anyone, but I think it's taking a while for my head to catch up with my heart. All part of the adjustment.
Speaking of which, I've been making more of a mental conscious effort to acknowledge my move/change and it's going well. Much better than before, actually. I'm trying to remain more in the moment than in my head. Success.
I still miss Babu.
We had a time change this weekend. And guess what.. they do it on a *Saturday*, not a Sunday. I always joke w/W. that they do everything backwards. Not this one. It would make getting to work at the proper time on a Monday morning go *much more* stress free! They've got it right!
Very windy today (gail force winds up to 120+km/hr) but sunny, so I might just chance going out for a walk. If you don't hear from me in a day, send out the search and rescue ;)
Have a great day!
Yesterday I held my (late) Thanksgiving dinner for a party of 6. I was of two minds about it after last week's post/breakdown; I wasn't sure if I was ready to be surrounded by a few people or if I wanted time by myself, and When we arrived at the butcher Friday to pick up the turkey we were surprised; we ordered a 3 kilo turkey. We were presented with 6.9 kilos. That's over a 15 lb turkey! For 6 people! (Woo! Leftovers!) That was the smallest they could find and they did give us a fair deal, price wise. So we lugged out turkey home and found room for it in the fridge.
There was plenty of food on the table and everyone was quite sated. Turkey, ciabatta pancetta and apple stuffing (I made the night before and it was a hit), carrots, mashed potatoes, buns, green beans. For dessert there was a simple apple crisp and (homemade) Toblerone Semifreddo (semifreddo = 'half frozen', similar to ice cream). I have to say they were a perfect combination. Then tea and winding down.
His parents were sweet and got me a couple of small Friesian-style gifts (welcoming me to the country, STILL, after almost being here 4 months). Of the friends that came (a married couple), she gave me a food item (for my recipes) I've had a hard time locating. I've definitely been blessed to be around such generous people. It was a very 'gezellig' (cozy) evening.
Part of me is still very hesitant to get close to these people. I've just left my home base and I'm conscious enough to not want to fill the gaping void with just anyone. These people aren't just anyone, but I think it's taking a while for my head to catch up with my heart. All part of the adjustment.
Speaking of which, I've been making more of a mental conscious effort to acknowledge my move/change and it's going well. Much better than before, actually. I'm trying to remain more in the moment than in my head. Success.
I still miss Babu.
We had a time change this weekend. And guess what.. they do it on a *Saturday*, not a Sunday. I always joke w/W. that they do everything backwards. Not this one. It would make getting to work at the proper time on a Monday morning go *much more* stress free! They've got it right!
Very windy today (gail force winds up to 120+km/hr) but sunny, so I might just chance going out for a walk. If you don't hear from me in a day, send out the search and rescue ;)
Have a great day!
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Starting Over
There are a hundred titles I've thought of for this post...
"Overwhelm"
"Breaking Through"
"Guilt"
"Vulnerability"
"Courage"
"Honesty"
I can't decide.
With a bit of a breakdown this morning, I had a bit of a breakthrough (they go hand-in-hand, I think. I'm also channelling my inner Brené Brown). What started as an email to a friend about a lack-lustre prayer life, ended up turning into a confessional. Except not so much to them, as to myself. I'd given a voice to what has been silently bothering me for the last 3 months. With my lack of talking to friends (like, real conversations, I don't mean "how are you liking it there? or What's different? or How's the weather?")** or blogging, I've been keeping inside what (I think) makes me - me; expressing my vulnerability, really talking about life and it's meaning or impact on ourselves or each other or challenging ourselves. Needless to say I've been stuck in my head a lot... and for whoever's been there... that's *not* a good thing. After said email, I spoke to a friend who gave me things I needed to hear and helped raise some awareness. So it's time for me to get honest. Brutal truth, guys. Brace yourselves (or maybe I should...) :/
I'm overwhelmed.
I feel stuck.
I shut off way too often (Facebook? Pinterest, anyone?).
I rush through situations that are uncomfortable (usually per language barriers).
I see my admitting overwhelm as a sign of weakness and it is attached with guilt (how can I feel overwhelmed? I'm not working a 50-hr week, have 5 projects on the go or involved with 3 clubs).
I've been using food as comfort (my ever-expanding waistline is a proving indication).
I've had much higher expectations of myself coming here than I was willing to admit (part inflicted by me, part inflicted by society and friends).
The kicker is I hide all of those points. Even to W. sometimes (s'ok, you can judge).
I have now been challenged to re-write what I see as 'overwhelm' and conversely, 'successful'.
Overwhelm is not always having 50 things on the go. Sometimes overwhelm is having one major thing on the go, with maybe 5 baby things trailing behind it. Overwhelm is being reminded *every minute* that I am in a situation that has no "quick fix" and that it will take a lot of time and effort to get to a point where I will be completely comfortable (like with the language, or not being able to find a job). Overwhelm is trying to be okay with the fact that I have control issues and I am in a situation that in part, I have no control over. Overwhelm is wanting to learn a language in 5 minutes so I can move on with life and not feel like an outsider. Overwhelm is having my bf's mother encourage me to look into getting a Dutch drivers licence when I have (yet) no desire to drive. Overwhelm is feeling happy in a life I wanted to be in with a man that loves me but feeling conflicted because I miss my friends, my town, the comfortable flow I had in my life, my sociability, my (let's get real)... safety zone.
Success is not always becoming CEO, or having lots of friends, or the biggest house on the block. Success is moving to a new country, leaving everyone and everything familiar behind. Success is, when you do have the nerve, to smile and say hello to your neighbour and comment on the weather - in your new language. Success is admitting overwhelm. Success is feeling like crap but seeing the positive anyways. Success is being gentle with yourself. Repeatedly. Success is giving yourself permission to feel ovewhelmed, in any situation. Success is after you think that by moving to a new country you're starting over, that three and a half months into said move, do you indeed need to state again that you are "starting over" (see explanation below).
It's hard to find a point of where to start (moving on, moving forward) since there's so much to do. What's the indicator that tells you how and where to begin? That's the hard part. So, for today and moving forward, I will look at things with a fresh perspective. This is a big deal. There is a lot of effort involved. It will take a lot of time. I will need to make baby steps to get to the bigger things that I visualize in my head I see happening for me. Now that I've given it a voice, I'm okay with it (instead of running away from it). I'm okay with there having to be effort. There is now a sort of peace (temporary, I'm sure). Or maybe I should say.. I've reached a point now that I can relax a bit and let life come to me, instead of pushing through to get to it.
On that note, I am going to make a late lunch and get out for a bike ride. I hope you're having a fabulous week!
** Not to say I don't enjoy these conversations; I just find I need a bit more of the dig-deep, feeling-connected ones.
"Overwhelm"
"Breaking Through"
"Guilt"
"Vulnerability"
"Courage"
"Honesty"
I can't decide.
With a bit of a breakdown this morning, I had a bit of a breakthrough (they go hand-in-hand, I think. I'm also channelling my inner Brené Brown). What started as an email to a friend about a lack-lustre prayer life, ended up turning into a confessional. Except not so much to them, as to myself. I'd given a voice to what has been silently bothering me for the last 3 months. With my lack of talking to friends (like, real conversations, I don't mean "how are you liking it there? or What's different? or How's the weather?")** or blogging, I've been keeping inside what (I think) makes me - me; expressing my vulnerability, really talking about life and it's meaning or impact on ourselves or each other or challenging ourselves. Needless to say I've been stuck in my head a lot... and for whoever's been there... that's *not* a good thing. After said email, I spoke to a friend who gave me things I needed to hear and helped raise some awareness. So it's time for me to get honest. Brutal truth, guys. Brace yourselves (or maybe I should...) :/
I'm overwhelmed.
I feel stuck.
I shut off way too often (Facebook? Pinterest, anyone?).
I rush through situations that are uncomfortable (usually per language barriers).
I see my admitting overwhelm as a sign of weakness and it is attached with guilt (how can I feel overwhelmed? I'm not working a 50-hr week, have 5 projects on the go or involved with 3 clubs).
I've been using food as comfort (my ever-expanding waistline is a proving indication).
I've had much higher expectations of myself coming here than I was willing to admit (part inflicted by me, part inflicted by society and friends).
The kicker is I hide all of those points. Even to W. sometimes (s'ok, you can judge).
I have now been challenged to re-write what I see as 'overwhelm' and conversely, 'successful'.
Overwhelm is not always having 50 things on the go. Sometimes overwhelm is having one major thing on the go, with maybe 5 baby things trailing behind it. Overwhelm is being reminded *every minute* that I am in a situation that has no "quick fix" and that it will take a lot of time and effort to get to a point where I will be completely comfortable (like with the language, or not being able to find a job). Overwhelm is trying to be okay with the fact that I have control issues and I am in a situation that in part, I have no control over. Overwhelm is wanting to learn a language in 5 minutes so I can move on with life and not feel like an outsider. Overwhelm is having my bf's mother encourage me to look into getting a Dutch drivers licence when I have (yet) no desire to drive. Overwhelm is feeling happy in a life I wanted to be in with a man that loves me but feeling conflicted because I miss my friends, my town, the comfortable flow I had in my life, my sociability, my (let's get real)... safety zone.
Success is not always becoming CEO, or having lots of friends, or the biggest house on the block. Success is moving to a new country, leaving everyone and everything familiar behind. Success is, when you do have the nerve, to smile and say hello to your neighbour and comment on the weather - in your new language. Success is admitting overwhelm. Success is feeling like crap but seeing the positive anyways. Success is being gentle with yourself. Repeatedly. Success is giving yourself permission to feel ovewhelmed, in any situation. Success is after you think that by moving to a new country you're starting over, that three and a half months into said move, do you indeed need to state again that you are "starting over" (see explanation below).
It's hard to find a point of where to start (moving on, moving forward) since there's so much to do. What's the indicator that tells you how and where to begin? That's the hard part. So, for today and moving forward, I will look at things with a fresh perspective. This is a big deal. There is a lot of effort involved. It will take a lot of time. I will need to make baby steps to get to the bigger things that I visualize in my head I see happening for me. Now that I've given it a voice, I'm okay with it (instead of running away from it). I'm okay with there having to be effort. There is now a sort of peace (temporary, I'm sure). Or maybe I should say.. I've reached a point now that I can relax a bit and let life come to me, instead of pushing through to get to it.
On that note, I am going to make a late lunch and get out for a bike ride. I hope you're having a fabulous week!
** Not to say I don't enjoy these conversations; I just find I need a bit more of the dig-deep, feeling-connected ones.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
So You Think You're Envious?
Common phrases I'm told is that people are envious, how brave I am, what a great thing it is I'm doing, how happy I'll be.
This? This right now, is not happy. This right now is done with dealing with people who AREN'T GETTING THAT I'M LEAVING. This, right now, is done with people who don't seem to care about how I've worked with them for 5.5 years and treat my last day with them as any other. This, right now, is done with family who have only starting to attempt making plans 3 WEEKS BEFORE I LEAVE. This, right now, is me **so** stretched thin, that I barely have everyone and every thing covered before I go. This right now..is me so stressed out that I don't know how I'm going to get through the next 3 weeks.
This is the dark side of moving somewhere far away. Yes, there will be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but it's not all fun and roses. To pick up your entire life, leave everything and everyone behind is not easy and causes very painful moments.
I'm going to cry myself to sleep now.
This? This right now, is not happy. This right now is done with dealing with people who AREN'T GETTING THAT I'M LEAVING. This, right now, is done with people who don't seem to care about how I've worked with them for 5.5 years and treat my last day with them as any other. This, right now, is done with family who have only starting to attempt making plans 3 WEEKS BEFORE I LEAVE. This, right now, is me **so** stretched thin, that I barely have everyone and every thing covered before I go. This right now..is me so stressed out that I don't know how I'm going to get through the next 3 weeks.
This is the dark side of moving somewhere far away. Yes, there will be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but it's not all fun and roses. To pick up your entire life, leave everything and everyone behind is not easy and causes very painful moments.
I'm going to cry myself to sleep now.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Transitions
I'm taking a bit of rare quiet time this morning to touch base with y'all; maybe do a bit of reflection and let you know how things are going in my headspace.
I'm a myriad of emotions right now: happy, excited, sad, stressed, anxious (more the good than the bad kind), scared, eager. The list goes on. It also varies per day. Sometimes even per hour (I wish I was joking). I also can't seem to keep two thoughts in my head at the same time. Seriously. Also not joking.
This is my final week at work and it's a bittersweet one. I've said goodbye to a couple co-workers already around the hospital. Yesterday was a bit difficult (having to say goodbye to a direct co-worker, someone I work close to). Thursday-Sunday are my last shifts. I've spent over 5 years in that hospital (when I wasn't sure I'd stay more than a couple) and as much as there were times I didn't like some of my co-workers whether I like it or not, they've helped shaped who I am. They've contributed to my personality, my work ethic (this is a big one), my mannerisms, changing how I interact with people in business. They've helped shape *who I am* and I've sort of become pretty proud of that person, so I'm very grateful for these experiences and the people who've contributed to them. So yeah, it'll be hard to say goodbye.
My stuff. Ugh. Getting rid of/selling/donating etc my personal items has been one of the most difficult processes. I'm getting a hard lesson in pride, let me tell you. Lesson #1 - Your material items hold no monetary value after ownership, and when you go to sell them, people want even less than that. Lesson #2 - You will never, ever, EVER get what you a) want for it or b) deem the item to be worth. Lesson #3 - It might actually put you off from ever possessing new things in the future. At least, for the short term. I mean, seriously... what I've amended in the past about my attachment to material items, has again been revamped to want even less than before. Why? What's the point? Why do I want to hang onto something that will no longer serve me in the future? Why do I want something taking up space that can be used for something more purposefully? This is all coming at a convenient time of moving to a country that believes in minimalism and small spaces because they don't own a lot of things and recognize THEY DON'T NEED TO. They already have the mentality that I'm just adapting.
I'm going to sit with that for now; have to get ready for a breakfast date with a nurse friend. Hope y'all are having a good Tuesday :)
P.S - 28 days!
I'm a myriad of emotions right now: happy, excited, sad, stressed, anxious (more the good than the bad kind), scared, eager. The list goes on. It also varies per day. Sometimes even per hour (I wish I was joking). I also can't seem to keep two thoughts in my head at the same time. Seriously. Also not joking.
This is my final week at work and it's a bittersweet one. I've said goodbye to a couple co-workers already around the hospital. Yesterday was a bit difficult (having to say goodbye to a direct co-worker, someone I work close to). Thursday-Sunday are my last shifts. I've spent over 5 years in that hospital (when I wasn't sure I'd stay more than a couple) and as much as there were times I didn't like some of my co-workers whether I like it or not, they've helped shaped who I am. They've contributed to my personality, my work ethic (this is a big one), my mannerisms, changing how I interact with people in business. They've helped shape *who I am* and I've sort of become pretty proud of that person, so I'm very grateful for these experiences and the people who've contributed to them. So yeah, it'll be hard to say goodbye.
My stuff. Ugh. Getting rid of/selling/donating etc my personal items has been one of the most difficult processes. I'm getting a hard lesson in pride, let me tell you. Lesson #1 - Your material items hold no monetary value after ownership, and when you go to sell them, people want even less than that. Lesson #2 - You will never, ever, EVER get what you a) want for it or b) deem the item to be worth. Lesson #3 - It might actually put you off from ever possessing new things in the future. At least, for the short term. I mean, seriously... what I've amended in the past about my attachment to material items, has again been revamped to want even less than before. Why? What's the point? Why do I want to hang onto something that will no longer serve me in the future? Why do I want something taking up space that can be used for something more purposefully? This is all coming at a convenient time of moving to a country that believes in minimalism and small spaces because they don't own a lot of things and recognize THEY DON'T NEED TO. They already have the mentality that I'm just adapting.
I'm going to sit with that for now; have to get ready for a breakfast date with a nurse friend. Hope y'all are having a good Tuesday :)
P.S - 28 days!
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Demons
It's been a while since I've done a bare-all post so I thought about sharing this with you.
Internal demons are never-ending, I think. It's only how much head-space we give them that shows their predominance through our lives. Regardless of how many times you're told "I love you," it feels it never erases the past; a past that has over-written your self confidence time and time again despite your best attempts. A past that has made you feel you're insignificant, that you don't matter, that you're somehow less than everyone else ~ by the most significant and potentially influential people in your life at that time. Oh yes dear reader, I see the craziness in the previously written sentences, but they're still a reality and I have to honour them as such. Even though I am much smarter today than I was yesterday, building yourself back up takes work and isn't done overnight (which thus reminds me of the quote, "Rome wasn't built in a day"). Indeed Rome wasn't built in a day. It was completed, I'm sure, with collaboration, discussion, unity, vision, passion, strengths (and weaknesses), support, reliance on other people. Funny how a description of building a city can so relate to building our selves. We can't always do it alone.
But does a less-than-perfect past give much excuse to my demons today? Why can't I just fully accept that I am loved? Should it be that easy? IS it that easy? Part of me wants to say yes. Part of me thinks I can decide anything I want and I could rightly decide that I *am* loved ~ and believe it. But then a voice in the back of my head questions if I'm worth it, if I'm deserving of it. Ahhh.. negative self talk rears his ugly head again. It shouldn't be a matter of questioning; we're all human thus deserve to be loved. The mere fact that we exist on this earth earns us the right to be loved and respected in some manner or form.
Someone said to me today it's easier to say negative self-talk to ourselves than an affirmation. The affirmation may very well be true, but it's still more difficult to say. Only does an affirmation hold weight when we hear it repeatedly (and, okay, maybe some self-work thrown in there somewhere). They say it takes 10 positives to over-ride 1 negative and I like to think this has some merit. Why can't we just let the negative go? What purpose does hanging onto it serve us?
I was having a particular conversation with my significant other today and (after hearing things a) I needed to at the time and b) repeatedly) I've come into another phase of transition... of letting go...growing up & being better than my demons... of not being afraid to believe the good for once ~ and most importantly ~ believing him when he says he loves me, that I matter and I'm important. I'm going to try to see what it feels like to live a life with the attitude that my negative self-talk doesn't exist. I wonder if my perception will change or if others (i.e my loved one's) perception of me will change. This is new, so I don't know how good I'll be at it, but I'm darn well gonna try. If I stumble, don't be afraid to help pick me up and dust me off.
*******************
Side note: Passport application is in (even that's a story in itself; W. says I could write a book on my experiences) and now I wait.
Also, I've been getting back in the kitchen a little more (it's been very long since I've done some baking) and when I do I realize it's been WAY too long and I feel the longing more. So tonight I made my OMG Brownies - vegan. And hey, they're still pretty OMG :)
Internal demons are never-ending, I think. It's only how much head-space we give them that shows their predominance through our lives. Regardless of how many times you're told "I love you," it feels it never erases the past; a past that has over-written your self confidence time and time again despite your best attempts. A past that has made you feel you're insignificant, that you don't matter, that you're somehow less than everyone else ~ by the most significant and potentially influential people in your life at that time. Oh yes dear reader, I see the craziness in the previously written sentences, but they're still a reality and I have to honour them as such. Even though I am much smarter today than I was yesterday, building yourself back up takes work and isn't done overnight (which thus reminds me of the quote, "Rome wasn't built in a day"). Indeed Rome wasn't built in a day. It was completed, I'm sure, with collaboration, discussion, unity, vision, passion, strengths (and weaknesses), support, reliance on other people. Funny how a description of building a city can so relate to building our selves. We can't always do it alone.
But does a less-than-perfect past give much excuse to my demons today? Why can't I just fully accept that I am loved? Should it be that easy? IS it that easy? Part of me wants to say yes. Part of me thinks I can decide anything I want and I could rightly decide that I *am* loved ~ and believe it. But then a voice in the back of my head questions if I'm worth it, if I'm deserving of it. Ahhh.. negative self talk rears his ugly head again. It shouldn't be a matter of questioning; we're all human thus deserve to be loved. The mere fact that we exist on this earth earns us the right to be loved and respected in some manner or form.
Someone said to me today it's easier to say negative self-talk to ourselves than an affirmation. The affirmation may very well be true, but it's still more difficult to say. Only does an affirmation hold weight when we hear it repeatedly (and, okay, maybe some self-work thrown in there somewhere). They say it takes 10 positives to over-ride 1 negative and I like to think this has some merit. Why can't we just let the negative go? What purpose does hanging onto it serve us?
I was having a particular conversation with my significant other today and (after hearing things a) I needed to at the time and b) repeatedly) I've come into another phase of transition... of letting go...growing up & being better than my demons... of not being afraid to believe the good for once ~ and most importantly ~ believing him when he says he loves me, that I matter and I'm important. I'm going to try to see what it feels like to live a life with the attitude that my negative self-talk doesn't exist. I wonder if my perception will change or if others (i.e my loved one's) perception of me will change. This is new, so I don't know how good I'll be at it, but I'm darn well gonna try. If I stumble, don't be afraid to help pick me up and dust me off.
*******************
Side note: Passport application is in (even that's a story in itself; W. says I could write a book on my experiences) and now I wait.
Also, I've been getting back in the kitchen a little more (it's been very long since I've done some baking) and when I do I realize it's been WAY too long and I feel the longing more. So tonight I made my OMG Brownies - vegan. And hey, they're still pretty OMG :)
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Woa
*gets smacked in the face*
holymotherofGodthatwasabigrealizationithinkineedadrinknow.
/cryptic
#selfwork
Also after having said drink, I really hate that I'm allergic to sulphites. *sigh*
holymotherofGodthatwasabigrealizationithinkineedadrinknow.
/cryptic
#selfwork
Also after having said drink, I really hate that I'm allergic to sulphites. *sigh*
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Not Angry Anymore...and Ramble
So... I did some self-work and dove into why I am so bent on being a martyr. Lord knows it's not healthy, for me or the other person. I don't have an answer why (other than hypothesizing it relates to lack of control of things in my own life, though I don't think this is the entire reason) but I was able to detach from it. I realized I've taken on a mother/nurturing role with, in essence some ways, the entire world (or so I said it felt like I had the world on my shoulders). Having said that, I wasn't able to detach 'nurturing' from 'martyr'. In my head, they were the same thing. It's what I've been doing for 20-25 years and like I said, it's innate. But it doesn't mean it was right. So, I was able after a while to detach the two after a while and notice the difference. When I let go of being this.. martyr.. I mourned the loss of this thing I was so attached to. It was easy (I think because it was the right time), but painful. I was sad. Let me use a metaphor (I do like using metaphors, don't I?); when a mother 'loses' their child to adulthood, when they grow up and move out... it's sometimes difficult and sad, but also exciting. A new relationship dynamic occurs. So I'm going to do my best to look at it like that. When a friend tells me they're stressed about something in their life (that they have every reason to stress about), I will let go, smile and comfort.... from a distance. It's not for lack of love, it's for self-preservation. At least, until I find a new happy medium :) (P.S - does anyone know what The Church says about martyrdom? Not the "sacrificing yourself for the faith" type, but the "self-inflicting pain" type. Okay, maybe I just answered my own question. Crap.) Really, I make myself laugh sometimes. #dufus (Don't judge; sometimes we just need to hear things out loud) :)
I worked at the restaurant today; my first day shift. It went really well. It wasn't extremely busy, so I got some extra work done. Sweat my ass off. Didn't get to cook, though; there were enough people for that. Then after my shift I stepped outside (in the humidex temps of 35 C) and thought it was "nice" out. Ha, now I know I'm crazy.
I have concerns about my role in the restaurant industry. Or I should say, my health. I hate my body. I'm sorry, but I have to say it. It's so freakin' high maintenance, it makes working in a restaurant challenging. Like, really, really challenging. I go several hours without eating. I'm hypoglycemic! This is not good for a hypoglycemic. While the cooks "forage" (I was also encouraged to do so), it's difficult because I'm on the opposite side of the kitchen where the food is. Sometimes one of the cooks throws food my way, which I'm forever grateful for. But it's frustrating; when my sugar is low I a) lose energy and b) mental focus. The two absolute worst things you want to lose in such a job. So.. I don't know. I've told two key people in the kitchen about my health state and they'll help me when they can. Regardless, I'm a bit down and frustrated by it and haven't yet come up with a solution.
The weekend has been good so far. Last night I went to friend's (friends? what's proper grammar?) for dinner/fire. I wish I could spend more time in the country; I wasn't able to unwind as much as I would have preferred (no fault to them, just need more time in that sort of space). But.. we did have great food (as we always do when we get together). And who can pass up roasting marshmallows?
The lack of rain this summer has been a concern. We're not even getting a break from the heat; it's hot *every* day. I just wish there was rain for the farmers; they're losing so much this year.
Well, I think I'm done rambling. I'm going out shortly to a punk rock concert of various bands. I wanna get out and have some fun tonight. Have a beer, let my hair down.
Party on, dude.
I worked at the restaurant today; my first day shift. It went really well. It wasn't extremely busy, so I got some extra work done. Sweat my ass off. Didn't get to cook, though; there were enough people for that. Then after my shift I stepped outside (in the humidex temps of 35 C) and thought it was "nice" out. Ha, now I know I'm crazy.
I have concerns about my role in the restaurant industry. Or I should say, my health. I hate my body. I'm sorry, but I have to say it. It's so freakin' high maintenance, it makes working in a restaurant challenging. Like, really, really challenging. I go several hours without eating. I'm hypoglycemic! This is not good for a hypoglycemic. While the cooks "forage" (I was also encouraged to do so), it's difficult because I'm on the opposite side of the kitchen where the food is. Sometimes one of the cooks throws food my way, which I'm forever grateful for. But it's frustrating; when my sugar is low I a) lose energy and b) mental focus. The two absolute worst things you want to lose in such a job. So.. I don't know. I've told two key people in the kitchen about my health state and they'll help me when they can. Regardless, I'm a bit down and frustrated by it and haven't yet come up with a solution.
The weekend has been good so far. Last night I went to friend's (friends? what's proper grammar?) for dinner/fire. I wish I could spend more time in the country; I wasn't able to unwind as much as I would have preferred (no fault to them, just need more time in that sort of space). But.. we did have great food (as we always do when we get together). And who can pass up roasting marshmallows?
The lack of rain this summer has been a concern. We're not even getting a break from the heat; it's hot *every* day. I just wish there was rain for the farmers; they're losing so much this year.
Well, I think I'm done rambling. I'm going out shortly to a punk rock concert of various bands. I wanna get out and have some fun tonight. Have a beer, let my hair down.
Party on, dude.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
I AM ANGRY!
*ROAR*
Okay, I'm done.
...bet that got your attention.
Well, it wasn't meant to, so I apologize. I'm just a bit angry today. I could whine about a list of what's gone wrong (and the day started off so well) but it won't help. I'm getting some food in my belly (and wine and chocolate afterwards!) so perhaps that'll help.
I've been taking a personal inventory of my emotions of late (and my typing; why is it so awful today?!). Not necessarily what my emotions are, per se, but when or why they've been occurring. Anger, jealously. I notice I'm getting much more angry at (some) things than I need to. Some things happening are a valid reason resulting in a rise in emotions, but with other things (or people), it's an attempt for control over things I have no control over. I'll never understand why I'm getting angry at say, a friend who is rather stressed over something I see no reason to be stressed for (a major, though for the better life change), or having so much on their plate right now which is overwhelming them. Who am I to say what you get stressed over? See, I hear myself and it sounds ridiculous. I think it's not like seeing my friends stressed over whatever pressing matter pertains to them at the time and wishing I could take that ill-easeness away from them. I want to take their pain away.
So... what, it's okay for me to get stressed about stuff and carry burden, but no one else? That doesn't sound right either (even in a very basic self-care opinion, why is that fair to me?). The funny thing is it does sound right to me and that's what I want to do. I always have, even since I was younger (*especially* as a teen). I always wanted to carry pain so others wouldn't have to. It's innate. Even when my pain and their pain are totally different (different situations, contexts, etc), it doesn't matter. I wanted to suffer more. And it's not meant as a holier-than-thou sort of attitude, it's.. very humble or has its own humility in it's own way. I just wish I could so they don't have to. *shrug*
You might think it sounds like a lot of stress on me. It is, but in a strange way I don't mind it. I don't know how else to explain it all.
Now, if we could just fix world peace, we'd all be good, huh? :) How's that for heavy thoughts on a Tuesday night? I just finished my tea so I think it's time for bed. Tomorrow's another day :)
Okay, I'm done.
...bet that got your attention.
Well, it wasn't meant to, so I apologize. I'm just a bit angry today. I could whine about a list of what's gone wrong (and the day started off so well) but it won't help. I'm getting some food in my belly (and wine and chocolate afterwards!) so perhaps that'll help.
I've been taking a personal inventory of my emotions of late (and my typing; why is it so awful today?!). Not necessarily what my emotions are, per se, but when or why they've been occurring. Anger, jealously. I notice I'm getting much more angry at (some) things than I need to. Some things happening are a valid reason resulting in a rise in emotions, but with other things (or people), it's an attempt for control over things I have no control over. I'll never understand why I'm getting angry at say, a friend who is rather stressed over something I see no reason to be stressed for (a major, though for the better life change), or having so much on their plate right now which is overwhelming them. Who am I to say what you get stressed over? See, I hear myself and it sounds ridiculous. I think it's not like seeing my friends stressed over whatever pressing matter pertains to them at the time and wishing I could take that ill-easeness away from them. I want to take their pain away.
So... what, it's okay for me to get stressed about stuff and carry burden, but no one else? That doesn't sound right either (even in a very basic self-care opinion, why is that fair to me?). The funny thing is it does sound right to me and that's what I want to do. I always have, even since I was younger (*especially* as a teen). I always wanted to carry pain so others wouldn't have to. It's innate. Even when my pain and their pain are totally different (different situations, contexts, etc), it doesn't matter. I wanted to suffer more. And it's not meant as a holier-than-thou sort of attitude, it's.. very humble or has its own humility in it's own way. I just wish I could so they don't have to. *shrug*
You might think it sounds like a lot of stress on me. It is, but in a strange way I don't mind it. I don't know how else to explain it all.
Now, if we could just fix world peace, we'd all be good, huh? :) How's that for heavy thoughts on a Tuesday night? I just finished my tea so I think it's time for bed. Tomorrow's another day :)
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
I'm Baaaaack...
Well, I'd originally sat down to write but I got caught up in Pinterest and, well, 45 min later.. here I am. Gah, it's such a fabulous time-waster. So. Many. Pretty. Things. I was pinning all things steampunk (which finally gives a name to a secret fetish I've had for all things of said decor, jewelry, art, artifacts, etc). Victorian meets future, meets sci-fi, meets industrial, meets western; how awesome is that? No, my question to you should be, how can you NOT like it?
Gah! I just got sidetracked again! Another 15 minutes lost. Good heavens. My coffee's gone, I haven't even had breakfast yet, my back and butt are sore from sitting here... and I haven't even started to write what I wanted to write to you about, yet!! *takes you by the shoulders and shakes you* THE STEAMPUNK OBSESSION MUST STOP!! Okay, maybe not stop, but put on a brief pause.
... *pauses* ... *makes pancakes in honour of Pancake Tuesday*...
.. *comes back to answer email, gets sidetracked AGAIN*... *forces self back to kitchen*...
I had some pancakes. I got up to get something and this happened...
He totally took over my chair! Silly Babu.
So.. today is Shrove/Pancake Tuesday; the Tuesday proceeding Ash Wednesday, the mark on the calendar when Christians begin to acknowledge Jesus' death (who rises on Easter as Christ) and the beginning of Lent. I'd been thinking and thinking of what I want to give up for Lent this year and having a difficult time of it. I'm giving up my usual 'no swearing' crusade (a feat often attempted but never successful), but I always give up something else in addition to that. But.. this morning I felt different, thanks to a conversation from a friend last night (thanks MK). Something occurred to me. You know what? No. Hell no. I've suffered enough the past year, thankyouverymuch, and I'm not going to do anymore than I need to for the next little while. So you know what? I'm going to take the alternative; I'm going to add something. Thing is, I'm not quite sure what yet. Prayer (meal time? bedtime? morning?)? Volunteering of time? No, I'm not ready to expend that energy yet. Maybe there are other sorts of forms of charity; RM, you're good with this, what do you suggest? I'll take suggestions from anyone. Maybe something food-related. If it keeps me in the kitchen, I'm happy; it's good therapy for me. Maybe baking for friends, based on their food preferences/wishes/health issues. Hmm.. that's not a bad idea. I just baked up my third batch of GF brownies and people are amazed; I've proven (well, thanks to the author) that GF doesn't have to be boring and I LOVE this. Okay - so if you would like baked-goods (or non-baked goods.. could be meals), sign up below. I will deliver! (if you're local, post mail if you're not.) Okay, so I've picked up an act of charity for Lent. There you go.
I've been learning more Italian on the side. It's going very well. I'm learning basic words pertaining to what I can use at work/in a restaurant (plate, dish, glass, cutlery, etc, etc) and shocker - I'm retaining them! Mostly.
I'm reading Carl Jung's essay (in small book form) on Synchronicity. It's fantastic. I hope to give excerpts on it later.
I'm feeling a bit better today. A bit lighter. A little bit... released. That's what happens when you finally shed 160lbs. /cryptic
*looks out the window* Dude, where'd this snow come from? This is a funny winter.
Alright, I gotta have some attempt at lunch and get to an appointment. Hope y'all are having a good day.
Gah! I just got sidetracked again! Another 15 minutes lost. Good heavens. My coffee's gone, I haven't even had breakfast yet, my back and butt are sore from sitting here... and I haven't even started to write what I wanted to write to you about, yet!! *takes you by the shoulders and shakes you* THE STEAMPUNK OBSESSION MUST STOP!! Okay, maybe not stop, but put on a brief pause.
... *pauses* ... *makes pancakes in honour of Pancake Tuesday*...
.. *comes back to answer email, gets sidetracked AGAIN*... *forces self back to kitchen*...
I had some pancakes. I got up to get something and this happened...
He totally took over my chair! Silly Babu.
So.. today is Shrove/Pancake Tuesday; the Tuesday proceeding Ash Wednesday, the mark on the calendar when Christians begin to acknowledge Jesus' death (who rises on Easter as Christ) and the beginning of Lent. I'd been thinking and thinking of what I want to give up for Lent this year and having a difficult time of it. I'm giving up my usual 'no swearing' crusade (a feat often attempted but never successful), but I always give up something else in addition to that. But.. this morning I felt different, thanks to a conversation from a friend last night (thanks MK). Something occurred to me. You know what? No. Hell no. I've suffered enough the past year, thankyouverymuch, and I'm not going to do anymore than I need to for the next little while. So you know what? I'm going to take the alternative; I'm going to add something. Thing is, I'm not quite sure what yet. Prayer (meal time? bedtime? morning?)? Volunteering of time? No, I'm not ready to expend that energy yet. Maybe there are other sorts of forms of charity; RM, you're good with this, what do you suggest? I'll take suggestions from anyone. Maybe something food-related. If it keeps me in the kitchen, I'm happy; it's good therapy for me. Maybe baking for friends, based on their food preferences/wishes/health issues. Hmm.. that's not a bad idea. I just baked up my third batch of GF brownies and people are amazed; I've proven (well, thanks to the author) that GF doesn't have to be boring and I LOVE this. Okay - so if you would like baked-goods (or non-baked goods.. could be meals), sign up below. I will deliver! (if you're local, post mail if you're not.) Okay, so I've picked up an act of charity for Lent. There you go.
I've been learning more Italian on the side. It's going very well. I'm learning basic words pertaining to what I can use at work/in a restaurant (plate, dish, glass, cutlery, etc, etc) and shocker - I'm retaining them! Mostly.
I'm reading Carl Jung's essay (in small book form) on Synchronicity. It's fantastic. I hope to give excerpts on it later.
I'm feeling a bit better today. A bit lighter. A little bit... released. That's what happens when you finally shed 160lbs. /cryptic
*looks out the window* Dude, where'd this snow come from? This is a funny winter.
Alright, I gotta have some attempt at lunch and get to an appointment. Hope y'all are having a good day.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
The Power of Vulnerability
I caught this video today on TED Talks. It really did a lot for me. The people that she speaks of, who embrace vulnerability... that explanation is the embodiment of who I try to be (and what this blog is about, etc) and I hope that's how I come across. If I get the results of embracing said vulnerability, well, that remains to be seen. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this. About 20 min.
I'm back from leaving my blog in a ghost town; will try to write soon to fill you in on everything. Hope you're having a good week :)
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
A Heavy Thinking Sort Of Night
I've had a lot brewing upstairs lately; an incident from a couple weeks back has made me re-evaluate everything (*everything*). Random and cryptic: be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.
I wonder how much we hold ourselves back from our future happiness. Perhaps we want something so bad that we think about it non-stop - and only in a certain ideal in our head (which may or may not be realistic at all.. and more than likely not) - but thinking about that one thing can hinder our success to actually having it. All we really need to do is let go. Let go.
Let Go!
Now this doesn't apply to everything. I mean, I want and need a car, but fantasizing and visualizing about having said car doesn't mean I won't obtain it - I'm just trying to do a preemptive visualization exercise (if I envision it, it will manifest) however I obtain it (via hard work, second job.. what have you). But when we try to envision a relationship, or more, a relationship with a particular person, *that* can get in our way. We're not letting go enough for the universe (which is bigger than us) to flow with life around us. More than that, how are we to know what - and who - is right for us? You may think you know your own circumstance (and often in hindsight, you're even wrong with that), but you don't know theirs. We're so quick to presume we know what's right for us when a plan (depending what you believe) has already been put in place.
Also, sometimes bad things happen to good people; bad things from the lowest scum that don't deserve a spot on this earth. Thankfully, if you have a good attitude, you'll apply a theory that everything happens for a reason (even with the bad stuff) and you'll survive. And sometimes you'll be blessed to see the reason(s) and many facets .
I want to rearrange my whole thinking; I'd like to be able to take time (not rushed!) to sit back and reevaluate some of my thinking processes/self-standards (and I mean, something like this takes days). Sort of like... an elimination diet, but for one's thinking or lifestyle. I want to shut off; I want to turn off from the world and not have to answer to anyone for a couple days. Sure it's easy you say, just shut off the phone, the computer, the cell - but they're still there, in your space (or being around people you know or might run into). I want to go somewhere where they're *not* there. A silent retreat, if you will. There are some Catholic-based silent retreats in the area from what I understand, but $$$. Money's not an option for me right now with hours being low at work. With major events, one's inner being shifts. I'm slightly balancing the shifting amidst other everyday stress/natural occurrences, etc....I wish I could have total isolation.
Well, that's enough deep stuff for today. We're finally getting some snow, but I wish we'd get a little more. Some of what we had melted away. Calling for some tonight, so maybe that'll stick. It's a good night to get in cozy with a good book, wrap presents, catch up on correspondence, call an old friend. Do something for yourself.
I wonder how much we hold ourselves back from our future happiness. Perhaps we want something so bad that we think about it non-stop - and only in a certain ideal in our head (which may or may not be realistic at all.. and more than likely not) - but thinking about that one thing can hinder our success to actually having it. All we really need to do is let go. Let go.
Let Go!
Now this doesn't apply to everything. I mean, I want and need a car, but fantasizing and visualizing about having said car doesn't mean I won't obtain it - I'm just trying to do a preemptive visualization exercise (if I envision it, it will manifest) however I obtain it (via hard work, second job.. what have you). But when we try to envision a relationship, or more, a relationship with a particular person, *that* can get in our way. We're not letting go enough for the universe (which is bigger than us) to flow with life around us. More than that, how are we to know what - and who - is right for us? You may think you know your own circumstance (and often in hindsight, you're even wrong with that), but you don't know theirs. We're so quick to presume we know what's right for us when a plan (depending what you believe) has already been put in place.
Also, sometimes bad things happen to good people; bad things from the lowest scum that don't deserve a spot on this earth. Thankfully, if you have a good attitude, you'll apply a theory that everything happens for a reason (even with the bad stuff) and you'll survive. And sometimes you'll be blessed to see the reason(s) and many facets .
I want to rearrange my whole thinking; I'd like to be able to take time (not rushed!) to sit back and reevaluate some of my thinking processes/self-standards (and I mean, something like this takes days). Sort of like... an elimination diet, but for one's thinking or lifestyle. I want to shut off; I want to turn off from the world and not have to answer to anyone for a couple days. Sure it's easy you say, just shut off the phone, the computer, the cell - but they're still there, in your space (or being around people you know or might run into). I want to go somewhere where they're *not* there. A silent retreat, if you will. There are some Catholic-based silent retreats in the area from what I understand, but $$$. Money's not an option for me right now with hours being low at work. With major events, one's inner being shifts. I'm slightly balancing the shifting amidst other everyday stress/natural occurrences, etc....I wish I could have total isolation.
Well, that's enough deep stuff for today. We're finally getting some snow, but I wish we'd get a little more. Some of what we had melted away. Calling for some tonight, so maybe that'll stick. It's a good night to get in cozy with a good book, wrap presents, catch up on correspondence, call an old friend. Do something for yourself.
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