It's been a while since I've done a bare-all post so I thought about sharing this with you.
Internal demons are never-ending, I think. It's only how much head-space we give them that shows their predominance through our lives. Regardless of how many times you're told "I love you," it feels it never erases the past; a past that has over-written your self confidence time and time again despite your best attempts. A past that has made you feel you're insignificant, that you don't matter, that you're somehow less than everyone else ~ by the most significant and potentially influential people in your life at that time. Oh yes dear reader, I see the craziness in the previously written sentences, but they're still a reality and I have to honour them as such. Even though I am much smarter today than I was yesterday, building yourself back up takes work and isn't done overnight (which thus reminds me of the quote, "Rome wasn't built in a day"). Indeed Rome wasn't built in a day. It was completed, I'm sure, with collaboration, discussion, unity, vision, passion, strengths (and weaknesses), support, reliance on other people. Funny how a description of building a city can so relate to building our selves. We can't always do it alone.
But does a less-than-perfect past give much excuse to my demons today? Why can't I just fully accept that I am loved? Should it be that easy? IS it that easy? Part of me wants to say yes. Part of me thinks I can decide anything I want and I could rightly decide that I *am* loved ~ and believe it. But then a voice in the back of my head questions if I'm worth it, if I'm deserving of it. Ahhh.. negative self talk rears his ugly head again. It shouldn't be a matter of questioning; we're all human thus deserve to be loved. The mere fact that we exist on this earth earns us the right to be loved and respected in some manner or form.
Someone said to me today it's easier to say negative self-talk to ourselves than an affirmation. The affirmation may very well be true, but it's still more difficult to say. Only does an affirmation hold weight when we hear it repeatedly (and, okay, maybe some self-work thrown in there somewhere). They say it takes 10 positives to over-ride 1 negative and I like to think this has some merit. Why can't we just let the negative go? What purpose does hanging onto it serve us?
I was having a particular conversation with my significant other today and (after hearing things a) I needed to at the time and b) repeatedly) I've come into another phase of transition... of letting go...growing up & being better than my demons... of not being afraid to believe the good for once ~ and most importantly ~ believing him when he says he loves me, that I matter and I'm important. I'm going to try to see what it feels like to live a life with the attitude that my negative self-talk doesn't exist. I wonder if my perception will change or if others (i.e my loved one's) perception of me will change. This is new, so I don't know how good I'll be at it, but I'm darn well gonna try. If I stumble, don't be afraid to help pick me up and dust me off.
Side note: Passport application is in (even that's a story in itself; W. says I could write a book on my experiences) and now I wait.
Also, I've been getting back in the kitchen a little more (it's been very long since I've done some baking) and when I do I realize it's been WAY too long and I feel the longing more. So tonight I made my OMG Brownies - vegan. And hey, they're still pretty OMG :)