On Turning 39

39.  One year from f..  f.... fffffffffforty.  Gosh that was hard to say.  Am I there already?  When did that happen?

I'm one of the self-reflective types when it comes to birthdays.  Or at least milestone birthdays, or in this case - close - to milestone birthdays.  I damn near had a nervous breakdown when I turned 30.  When you're young you set the ideals I want this, this and that by the time I'm 30.  I didn't have this, this and that and when I didn't, I felt as if I failed. In reflection, how could I feel as if I failed myself?  Life was going as it was meant to.  It was society that failed me.  Society that builds up the "must-have's" for milestone birthdays.  I was given wise words by a then co-worker; the 30's is about relaxing.  It's about being comfortable in who you are.  It's about speaking up for yourself and not minding doing so.  You know what?  He was right.  My 30's were (for the most part) fantastic.  I felt more comfortable in myself than I had - ever.  I did things for me, not because of how others felt I should do things.

As I approach f.. ff... fffffff.... well, that'age, I continue to take stock of what *I* want in my life, not what someone else dictates for me.  My generation is all about shedding society ideals and letting go and having fun (at least, some of the people I'm surrounded by) and that indeed, brace yourself, 40 is NOT old.  Perhaps it's European culture.  The Dutch (for the majority) are very easy going and not about being held-down by emotions, the past, etc.  Don't think they don't have ordeals, crisis or difficulties.  They do!  But they try not to let it hold them back or ever miss out on opportunities.  They don't have the heavy weight on their shoulders that I impose upon myself (sometimes).  If they do I don't see it.

Anyways, when I reflect for next year, I want to try to let go of a lot of self-imposed barriers.  I don't want to stipulate, "I want to have this, this and live here and.. " because that's unrealistic and we all know as soon as you set a plan for life, it changes.  I have less desire for materials things and more for connections of those around me.  I have less desire for self-punishment and more for accepting and forgiving the self (a continual work in progress).  I've been asking myself why we think it's okay and conducive to beat ourselves up all the time when the opposite is true, but that's another blog post for another time.

I have to end this now.  I'm having a few ladies over for what was going to be a high-tea (W is working today) which has turned into sort of a potluck, mesh of.. stuff.  Long story.  I need to do some last-minute cleaning before guests arrive.

Have a wonderful day!  It's sunny here and it looks like it's going to be lovely.  Happy weekend!