Preface: It's 'wordy' and long, I apologize in advance. Had a hard time articulating myself.
Still, I took it upon myself to comment on a thread the other day in one of my groups. Someone asked me to expand on why I thought what I did (it was about food and nutritional content of said food, what's best to consume, etc) and when I gave it today I was accused by a supposed friend for 'telling people what to do' and 'turning my nose down in judgement about their choices'. I was flabergasted. And upset. It was the straw that broke the camels back.
One thing about me that not many people know is that I don't like it when people assume anything of me. It's a trigger. This was a classic example and it felt like an attack for no reason. It was assumed the way I came across that I was telling someone how they should eat, when if they a) knew me and b) were the friend they were supposed to be and have my back, understood that I was suggesting eating based on a nutritional point of view. What anyone does with that info is up to them. After that I excused myself from the conversation as I was not being understood (and instead was being accused). I shut off notifications for the post. I went back to check the thread anyways (because I'm a glutton for punishment) and they commented that it was "no big deal".. but no... because you called me out on shit in front of 50 people.. apparently it was. Thing is, I went to the original poster/question and I didn't offend her at all, so it was just that one person's opinion.
I got upset. A lot. Yesterday I came to the realization that I have nothing in common with any friend I have here because they're rather too busy to get together (due to work or families) or have babies (this accounts for most), or age differences, so when I take a hit from a friend and it feels like they're dropping like flies (because believe me, if they're going to act like this, I don't want to have anything to do with them), I feel it. I find myself thinking about Canada a lot. Today.. just made it all come together. I thought who I thought would have my back doesn't and.. my whole world came crashing down. I miss my friends. I miss the balance I had. Now? No balance. My one reason for being here has been validated a long time ago and I'm left with teetering scales; I have W. on one side and it's empty on the other. I don't know how to handle the imbalance anymore, or how to differently look at the situation.
It's not without trying. I've tried approaching a couple of businesses in town about volunteer positions and they won't take me (I need to try to stay in town to keep travel expenses to a minimum). Short of waiting for a job, I don't know what else to do... but something has to change.
I'm living in a world where I realize nothing is permanent. People who I could have sworn on my grandmother's grave that I would be friends with for life, aren't. Boyfriends and fiancés who I thought I'd be with for life, aren't. Knowledge I thought I would always have in my head, I forget. Health I thought I would have, has declined. Maybe this is a realization you have when you get older. Maybe it's just me. The only thing I can think of to do with this - is not take anything for granted. I'm not with W. because I think we're meant to be together. No; I'm consciously choosing to be with him and love him every day. And every day after that. And every day after that. Everything else? I try not to. I really consciously try not to.
The thing I struggled with most today was finding something to be grateful for. Every day I can tell you something I'm grateful for, but when I'm this upset and this.. desolate.. it's difficult. I don't want to look for anything! I'm angry! The thing is, to find something you're grateful for in a situation that feels shitty and has crumpled around you.. that is the time for the most opportunity for growth. But do you wanna know a secret? I'm tired. I've worked so hard to get where I am and maintain some sort of sanity that.. I'm tired. I'm tired of personal growth. I'm tired of having to adjust to circumstances around me. I said to W. tonight that I wish I was the type that could give up.
"So where are you?" (in my head) he asks and I said, "I don't know." I'm stewing. I'm fixed in a cycle and the machine needs to be kicked to get back into gear. I'm trying to step back from the situation and look at it from the outside but it's hard.
That's what's on my mind today. I'm going to head to bed and call it a day. Thanks for listening to my babble, as always :) Happy Monday!