(Not) Being At Peace

This post has been a LONG time coming.  The universe has been haunting me, poking, prodding at me about this subject.  I've been thinking about it, pondering it, keeping it in the back of my mind until it's resolved.  Only it's not resolved, it's still lingering there, hanging in the air... now with bright, flashing neon lights.

I've long been concentrating on people's appearance.  Not their physical appearance (there's already been a post made about that, anyways) but their.. how can I say.. energy, for lack of better terms; how they present themselves, are comfortable with, or at ease with themselves.  How much they're at peace with themself.  And I mean *really* at peace.  They glow.  When being around that person, you feel their peace.  They are okay with who. they. are.  I don't have that peace.  I've been trying and I've been very unsuccessful.  Having said that, I've learned something about myself; also a bit of irony.

I've learned I adapt.  This is nothing new to me; I know I've been a very adaptable person in any given situation.  It used to make me even a bit successful whatever my surroundings/job/social situation.  But I can narrow it down even more and say I adapt *to* the person I'm spending my time with, about 99% of the time.  I think I've done this for many years, I've just never articulated or acknowledged it.  I read them and I play off them.  Okay, that might sound rhetorical to you, but it's not, not in the way I mean it.  I almost, at times, micro-manage my emotions, reactions and idiosyncrasies *to* them (or you, if you're reading this).  (It sounds like a lot of work, doesn't it?)  You can say in a way, I've made *my* persona out of fragments I've developed from many people.  Does that make me my own individual person?  Or does it not make it "me" and that it only makes "me" pieces of people stitched together like a quilt making a separate entity?  Those little cloths were once one large piece of fabric.  It was whole.  And I'm quite sure, if it could talk before getting carelessly snipped into fragmented pieces, it would tell you it was happy and at peace with itself.  But now that little swatch of fabric has joined other swatches of fabrics.  He might now feel surrounded by swatch friends, but does not feel whole.  Do they complement him or do they make him feel disconnected?

I heard a quote years ago that hasn't left me and pops up in my head from time to time; "What makes you think you're separate from the world around you?"

Metaphors aside, (I really do think too much sometimes, don't I?) I need to find the real me.  The me I'm comfortable being.  I'm not sure why I'm not.  Fear of rejection, perhaps.  Lack of self-confidence.  Being burned too many times by too many various people (and relationships - friendship or intimate). There is a huge lack of trust there.  People in my life (past or present) have often dictated (with or without words) how I should express myself, what I should say or shouldn't say, how I should act, socialize, be - so I think a large part of me has given up, resigned.

The irony I mentioned earlier?  Long story short; with the first chat site I belonged to (some 16 years ago), I thought of the code name 'Maveric' (yes, you're seeing it mis-spelled without the 'k'; some slimy bastard took the name before me, but being the stubborn person I am, still wanted it so I.. ha.. conformed..and altered it.  I couldn't pick a new name.  Noooo, that wouldn't do.  I gave in and altered instead of asserting a new choice).  Maverick as defined by Websters is, "A person who refuses to follow the customs or rules of a group".  They're a nonconformist.  What have I been doing the last 20 years?  Conforming.

Scheiße. 

There is that 1% that I feel I can be 100% of myself with (whatever that "self" is).  That number of friends I can count on is less than the fingers of my hand. I don't feel I need to compete with this person, or they've demonstrated over various situations and trials that I can trust them and I know they'll be there time and time again - whatever shit I pull.   So that usually dictates I've known these people for many years.  It's just a shame I can't spend more time with them.  Or maybe I should just conform less.

Wow, the mere mention of the word makes my skin crawl.  I hate it.  Striving for avoidance has caused me to manifest into the one type of creature I detest.  Do I detest myself?  No, not at all.  This cat's just trying to find her groove, is all.  So the adventure continues.

That's WAY more than enough self-introspection for today.  And for a Friday no less!  How dare I!  Well, I hope you have fun plans for Halloween weekend.  I'm heading to a party or two, perhaps sans costume (oh don't judge) so I'm looking forward to some social activity.  I even have plans into next Monday!  Exciting.  Oh, and tonight I'm going to see Jill Barber in concert!  Can't wait!

Have a great weekend folks.  Have fun and be careful, whatever you do!