A Heavy Thinking Sort Of Night

I've had a lot brewing upstairs lately; an incident from a couple weeks back has made me re-evaluate everything (*everything*).  Random and cryptic: be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.

I wonder how much we hold ourselves back from our future happiness.  Perhaps we want something so bad that we think about it non-stop - and only in a certain ideal in our head (which may or may not be realistic at all.. and more than likely not) - but thinking about that one thing can hinder our success to actually having it.  All we really need to do is let go.  Let go.

Let Go!

Now this doesn't apply to everything.  I mean, I want and need a car, but fantasizing and visualizing about having said car doesn't mean I won't obtain it - I'm just trying to do a preemptive visualization exercise (if I envision it, it will manifest) however I obtain it (via hard work, second job.. what have you).  But when we try to envision a relationship, or more, a relationship with a particular person, *that* can get in our way.  We're not letting go enough for the universe (which is bigger than us) to flow with life around us.  More than that, how are we to know what - and who - is right for us?  You may think you know your own circumstance (and often in hindsight, you're even wrong with that), but you don't know theirs.  We're so quick to presume we know what's right for us when a plan (depending what you believe) has already been put in place.

Also, sometimes bad things happen to good people; bad things from the lowest scum that don't deserve a spot on this earth.  Thankfully, if you have a good attitude, you'll apply a theory that everything happens for a reason (even with the bad stuff) and you'll survive.  And sometimes you'll be blessed to see the reason(s) and many facets .

I want to rearrange my whole thinking; I'd like to be able to take time (not rushed!) to sit back and reevaluate some of my thinking processes/self-standards (and I mean, something like this takes days).  Sort of like... an elimination diet, but for one's thinking or lifestyle.  I want to shut off; I want to turn off from the world and not have to answer to anyone for a couple days.  Sure it's easy you say, just shut off the phone, the computer, the cell - but they're still there, in your space (or being around people you know or might run into).  I want to go somewhere where they're *not* there.  A silent retreat, if you will.  There are some Catholic-based silent retreats in the area from what I understand, but $$$.  Money's not an option for me right now with hours being low at work.  With major events, one's inner being shifts.  I'm slightly balancing the shifting amidst other everyday stress/natural occurrences, etc....I wish I could have total isolation.

Well, that's enough deep stuff for today.  We're finally getting some snow, but I wish we'd get a little more.  Some of what we had melted away.  Calling for some tonight, so maybe that'll stick.  It's a good night to get in cozy with a good book, wrap presents, catch up on correspondence, call an old friend.  Do something for yourself.