Sunday, November 4, 2012

Not What I Thought...

Well, if you're partial to my Facebook status this week, you know (or maybe you don't) that my gramma passed away.  I was planning on sitting down and writing to you about her, but I just can't get my thoughts straightened out yet to tell you.  It's something I'd like to do, but I'm not as ready as I thought.  I hope to soon though, because you should know how awesome she was :)

This was the hardest death for me to deal with, aside from someone else close to me that passed when I was 15.  I have no interest in rushing the grieving process.  I hate that part about death; it's (in this case) sudden, you have shock, you grieve/mourn, and life goes on.  I don't want life to go on.  I don't want to acknowledge the last and most-loved (and last remaining) grandmother I had is gone.  I don't want her to be a memory.  I hate that life is getting back to normal and I just want it to hold still and...not move.  I know it's inevitable, but I still don't want it.  Not yet.

I knew her death, whenever it would happen, would hurt.  So, channeling my (what felt like) inner 6-year old one time, I said to her about a year back, "Gramma, you're not allowed to die." :)  A bit taken aback she paused, thought for a second and said, "Well dear, someday I have to."  "I know," I said, "but you're not allowed to."  Gramma's are supposed to live forever, aren't they?  The warm, compassionate, unconditional love they give is irreplaceable.  Who else does that?  Not usually anyone else like gramma's do.

And this is where I get stuck.  I write a sentence, erase it, try again, erase again.  I'm not ready.  Talking about her will have to wait.

Babu has been pretty awesome for the most part, sticking close by.  He slept with me last night and this morning after I woke up and went back to bed.  I sat on the couch eating breakfast this morning and he sat beside me, a paw extended on my leg.  W. has been nothing but supportive and upstanding in dealing with gram's death.  I can't say how special he is.

I won't go without mentioning.... the bake sale I had this week?  I sold out.. completely.  All gluten-free items!  It was fantastic.  A day of such mixed emotion: difficult while in grief, high on adrenaline and 'customer service mode', exhaustion, elation.  I had repeat customers, and new ones.  I sold everything right down to the last bag of cookies.  I lost a lot of baking time with the death, but what I made was enough to sell out and give me some extra cash for my Europe Fund.

Today I had a day just for myself.  I got my hair cut, had a relaxation massage, a nice lunch out and some friend time.  It was perfect.

Tomorrow I'm (finally) having the conversation with my (other) parents about W.  Cross your fingers.  I can use all the positive thought that this conversation goes well.

I think I'll call it a night.  I hope everyone's having a good weekend :)


hydra said...

So sorry to year about your grandmother. I should love to hear all about her when you feel ready. But, as you say, don't rush it. I was intrigued by the reference to your 'other' parents. I suppose you mean they divorced and now have other partners, which means twice the conversations and discussions. I hope it went well.

duhgee said...

Aww, that's very sad. All your memories will last forever, so she'll never be gone. But definitely the end of new memories is sad. Hang in there. Good luck with the other parents. I'm guessing they don't read your blog. ;)

Argh, I hate captcha 'prove you're not a robot'. Frustrating.

Perovskia said...

Hydra - Thanks. Can't wait to tell you about her.
Yes, my parents split when I was 3 and each separately re-married. It was a conversation with my dad I had (my mom was told earlier). Now.. everyone knows :) Time to move forward.

Perovskia said...

Thanks, D.
Heh, no, they don't read the blog ;)
I know, I hate it too, but I was getting way too much spam. Thanks for the trouble of proving you're not a 'bot :)

Ange said...

I always find it jarring for the first few days after a loved one dies, that life keeps going. That there are still traffic jams and they annoy me, that garbage still has to be put out to the curb, that people are still rude, happy or hurting for their own reasons, that everyone continues like nothing has changed and yet everything has changed. It takes some time to get past it.


Perovskia said...

Thanks luv :)

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