Sunday, July 10, 2011

Maybe It's Time

So yesterday morning I woke up with a sore shoulder;  I thought maybe I slept on it wrong.  I'd felt a dull, tense ache build up over the past couple days, but I was hoping it would go away, or stay a dull ache at best.  Went to market in the morning, came back and *poof*, the pain increased times ten.  Debilitating.  I can take a lot (a LOT) of internal pain, but this was halting me in my tracks.  I couldn't do anything without screaming in pain; reaching for something, turning, breathing, and forget bending down.  Basic everyday motions.  I tried ibuprofen and when I was ready for a miracle, alternating hot and cold compresses (as touching it produced even more pain).  The compresses helped a bit and made it somewhat manageable before I went out again that afternoon - moving very slowly wherever I went.  I ingested 800mg (yes, you read right) of ibuprofen (actually about 1000mg within a 2-hr time span) and that only made the pain tolerable.  It was hard to accept that 'sleeping on it wrong' would produce so much pain.

Let me preface this story by saying the past week was a bit of an emotional one.  Sort of 'debilitating' in it's own right. I've been extremely hard on myself about my self-image, the realism of my self-worth (what I see and what you see are two different things, but I'm trying to get up to par with you), but the weight I've gained (from meds?) has been bringing me down the most.  I'm really starting to notice it and be affected by it; the way my clothes fit (or don't anymore), the change in body shape (where it's the most predominant), the difference in my face, my hands.  So, so self-critical.  Every single woman I see, be it friend, co-worker or a stranger, I dissect.  I compare her body to mine, and how much more thin she is than me.  A lot of negative self-talk is going on.  Healthy?  God no.  But I can almost bet I'm not alone (which doesn't at all make it right).  We all have parts of us that we don't like and are critical of.  Where you think your hands are thin and scrawny, others might see the ability or agility to play an instrument.  Where you think you might have too much in the hips, will be a man who can't wait to wrap his hands around them and pull them close.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so why can't we behold a better image of ourselves?  European women are much more comfortable with their self-image, no matter what it is, so I don't know why us North Americans need to butcher ourselves so much (and each other, for that fact); but that's a comparison/rant for another day.

So anyways, all this reflection was caused this morning when a close friend suggested I might need to go a little more easy on myself (citing the belief that mental dis-ease manifests as physical dis-ease, to which I agree).  Aye.  Maybe.  Whenever we have shoulder/upper back pain, it's akin to a "get off my back" mentality.  So maybe she's right and maybe I need to practice a little self-care today and be a little more easy on myself.  Talking about it here has helped and some tension has eased.  When the meds wear off, we'll see how much.  (Mental note: don't take 2 Robaxacet & 1 Advil on an empty stomach; it produces drunk-like vision and alertness as I was much amusement to Life Resident today over breakfast :) ).

Well look at that... as I sign off, most of my tension and some pain has gone away.  I still hurt a bit when I breathe (lungs expand, pressing on the shoulder blade), but not as bad as before.

Thanks for listening :)


hydra said...

A doctor friend of mine also believes in the pain being a metaphor for what is going on in your life. When I was struck with painful feet (the arches suddenly collapsed and I could hardly walk for weeks), he said it was because I was feeling stuck in my current situation and unable to run away from my problems. My partner's step-daughter woke up with an agonising frozen shoulder a couple of weeks back and her doctor gave her Diazepam rather than painkillers, saying it was stress and tension. She had two days off work, took the tranqs and they worked, though painkillers hadn't dulled the pain. So yes... how much are you trying to 'shoulder'? What weights are you carrying? Time to address your inner self.

Perovskia said...

Hydra - I always wondered, with that theory, how it plays in with my IBS. I still haven't come up with an answer. Your friend's situation with tranqs/painkillers seemed to have the same outcome I did.

How much am I 'shouldering' indeed. I'm still questioning that, but I am working on being more gentle with myself.

Thanks :)

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