Well Then

I'm very sorry about my freak out yesterday.  Not that I had it, but perhaps that I felt I needed to display it.  If W.'s not around, I don't have any other outlet; and you, my trusty friend, since this blog is about saying things that no one else will, get to see *all* parts of the process.

I almost resorted to old behaviour last night, that was neither productive nor healthy.  The testament that I'm sitting and writing to you about it today shows you me how much stronger I've become (since the years I adopted said behaviour).  I'm still having a meltdown, but I will do so more quietly and slowly, until I figure out what's going on and what I want to do next.

I came close to calling off my get-together last night.  People are completely missing the fact that it's an opportunity to say goodbye and that they're coming to see *me*, not so they can be here to turn it into a party and be with 50 other people.  I'm not saying that's not a nice side effect, I'm just saying it wasn't my intent.  So why would I want to plan something for someone else, and not what I originally wanted to do - for me?  I'm not trying to make it all about me, but you know what.. it's about me.  This also helps my grieving process and I have to accept the situation for what it is.  If people wanna come along for the ride, fantastic.  Hop on.  But don't say I didn't warn ya ;)

I have a hair appointment in just over an hour.  It will be a miracle if I make it dressed and out on time; I'm just sort of in sloth mode.