Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Save Me

Even when it's vacation it's busy.  Can't I just get a break?  Even as I'm trying to write this, a hundred things are popping up.

The weekend away was good.  There was time spent with immediate family, neighbours, a couple of old friends (one that I haven't seen in years). Lots of shopping was had :)  I came back with more than what I left with.  So much that I've started to question my materialism (I usually don't 'need' a lot of things, though it seems I've acquired them.  In fairness, some were clothes and shoes that were necessary.  Okay, maybe not the mary janes.. lol).

Saturday was the Mackinac races (sailboats race starting at the Sarnia, ON/Port Huron, MI border/bridge on the St. Clair River and sail up to Mackinac Island, MI and back).  Good times had by all (except for the Rotary breakfast - coffee or juice, 2 sausage, 3 pancakes with fake syrup.. sugar, sugar, sugar.. which means I can't have).  We planted a lawn chair by the water and watched all the sailboats go by. I now want a sailboat :)  I'll be posting pictures soon.  A lot of the city comes out for it - it gets pretty packed.  I really enjoy it, though.  I can't tell you why.

I've noticed a lot of things last weekend; how people have changed, how I've changed.  I'm probably one of most of my friends without a boyfriend and/or husband.  I don't have children.  This old friend I saw (we were inseparable in high school), is really happy.  She's got the husband, the new house, the baby.  It took a bit for me to convert kid (when we were 16) to adult/mother/wife.  Like you're life flashing before you, I saw where time has escaped me the past 15-20 years like a movie on a screen.  What's happened; what matters, what doesn't.  We've grown up (I'm not at all trying to make this sound like a rhetorical statement).

I've also, to my detriment, noticed I have many mannerisms as my mother.  Ugh.  I say detriment for a few reasons.  No discourse to her, really, but there are thoughts here that will remain private.  Long story short and vague, I see those comparisons and I fear my life will end up like hers, which is the complete opposite of what I want. This very well may be an irrational fear but it's a fear nonetheless.

I've been doing some self-reflection, since.  I've seen the path I've been travelling in the recent past (past couple years) and I like how the path is going and I like where I 'see' it going, but I can't say that I'll actually get 'there'.  I know what I think I need to do to, but there's no guarantee it's the right steps, right?  How do I even know the steps I'm taking are correct.  I finally feel peace about knowing what I want; who with, who without.  I'm ready for change.

I also confronted a lot of old ugly ghosts in the closet last weekend.  Ghosts I've been dealing with the past year and was ready to confront again.  I was proud of myself for being strong enough to try.

Well, I think that's it for now. I'm going to take the rest of the night to clean up a couple of things in the kitchen (OCD is acting up) and read a bit before bed.  Tomorrow's Wednesday! Your week is almost over and mine is just beginning (day 1 of 6).


hydra said...

Sounds like you have a whole host of issues/revelations to sort out in your head, and I always find that if I tidy and clean things physically, it acts like homeopathy on my mind!

Perovskia said...

I completely agree.

The cottage by the Cranelake said...

I had a sailboat once and loved it, but I have to admit that I´m not especially good at sailing :-) But the cost of having one is just to high to be honest. Especially up here in the north when summer is so short.

Yes we all changes during life, weather we want it or not :-) But I never really give it a lot of thought.

It´s great that You confronted Your ghosts! It takes courage to do that!
Have a great day now!

Perovskia said...

Christer - I remember going sailing with my dad when I was younger. I've always kind of missed it, actually. This event always brings it back.

Heh, guys don't give it as much thought, I think, and women do.

Thanks! :)

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