Wednesday, June 29, 2011

A Point In Between

I don't know that one can achieve a point of compromise with all things.  In fact, I'm pretty sure you can't.  Morals come into play, relation of one's attachment to beliefs, etc.  I'm trying to figure out a "happy medium", if one exists, about some of the situations I'm in.  Or, if you will, said situations combined as one (since they're quite similar).  What I'm really looking for, if you know how to read between the lines, is to have my cake and eat it, too.  I'm being selfish.  Part of me figures I'm entitled, given this part of my life the past couple years (or if you want to extend that, 5) but another part of me thinks it's not a great attribute to have; I know the right answer and what I have to do... I just don't want to do it :P  Yet keeping myself in these situations is getting me no further ahead.  In fact, some days it makes it worse.

Do I talk cryptic enough for you?  Sorry.

I wish I could lay it all out on the line for you, dear reader, but I can't.  I can't publicize it all (online), so you're stuck with my code.

I need to find the point where I can keep myself in certain relationships while maintaining (and expressing) my integrity.  That's where I'm stuck.  I'm not standing up for myself enough, but that comes from the post the other night - not seeing my self-worth or having faith in my confidence.  I have confidence and self-worth about many things, but not about relationships.  Not quite yet, anyways.  I'm almost there, but I have more work to do.  Ahh.. to grow up in a broken home.  You know what, maybe it's best I'm not married yet.  Growing up with four parents - 2 male figures, one of which abused me and another who was distant all the time (geographically and emotionally), I'm left to fend for myself.  I'd hate for the same scenario to happen to a child of mine.  So you know what, I'm not going to apologize for how I'm handling things.  I'm not going to feel bad and be hard on myself for having to gather up all the pieces strewn over the years.  I think I'm doing alright.  Sure I have low moments, but who wouldn't; I have some serious internal re-wiring to do.  I have a family now (my closest friends) who are supportive & show and give me love without question... and I'm pretty damn blessed.  Some people should be so lucky.

So I'm gonna go to bed with my bad self and get some sleep.  WHY I get more energy at 10:00 at night then I do through the entire day is beyond me.  I did more in the past hour than I did all day.  Go figure.

Keep your friends close.  Thank whatever higher power you believe in, for them.  Or you know what?  Thank them yourself.  Do something special for them or with them.  I'm sure they wouldn't mind hearing how awesome they are and how good great they've been for you.  Have a few laughs.  Forget life for a couple hours.  That's what they're there for.  Remember how blessed you are for how they've helped carry you to where (and who) you are today.

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