Monday, June 27, 2011


This will be a brief post.  I'm tired, I've had an extremely long day (a full shift and tons 'o socializing after) and I think I'm going to spare myself the impending agony I'd like to put myself through.  But on said agony, a passing thought....

I wonder what it takes to realize my self-worth.  I've written about this in the past, I'm almost sure of it, though I'm not sure I could find the post if I tried.  I sit here in tears because today was another wake-up call about how much more I deserve, but by recent actions am not achieving or receiving.  I'm so angry with myself because I look back and I've come SO FAR the past year or two; the leaps and bounds of self-growth has been astounding.  Yet I look at the situations I've put myself in and I can honestly critique every one (of three particular ones I'm thinking of) - and honestly - not just being self-critical, that don't at all reflect what I've learned.  I'm really, really disappointed.  As I sit here in hindsight, I realize that a) I'm not as okay with being alone as I thought I was (and this was a harsh dose of reality because I thought I took great strides to overcome this) and b) I truly don't see my self-worth.  If you are a friend of mine... I don't know if you see it or not (I mean, seeing that I'm worth something), because I don't at all.  Apparently.

I have to stop all negative or non-affirming associations ~ and I don't know if I have the strength.  I really, really don't.  I can plainly see as night and day what I need to do... but I really don't know if I can.  In fact, I know I'll have difficulty.  But, I've gotten myself into these situations, so I have to get myself out.

I don't know what I'm scared of.  It's ridiculous.  And now with my vulnerability, I fear my night terrors will come back tonight.  I'm scared to go to sleep, but then part of me is too tired not to.  I have another day shift tomorrow so I have to rest.

Anyways, that's it for me tonight.  Maybe I'll branch on the 'why I'm scared' bit, later.  I think it deserves some investigation.

Buona notte.


hydra said...

I do wish I could wave a magic wand for you. And it's so hard to make that leap between realising and feeling. I once found out where a phobia of mine had come from. But knowing didn't make the phobia go away. It takes something extra and I do wish I knew what it was. You are SO worthwhile. You deserve lots and lots. Hugs,

Life Resident said...

The idea of self worth is a difficult one, because it is always so much harder to see those things inside you that shine through then it is for those around you to. I mean the sun likely has no idea about how amazingly warm and bright it is, yet it is so readily apparent to us.

We all fall, over and over again, usually from the same damn little bumps in the road. Sometimes we need to learn a lesson not once, not twice, but a hell of a lot of times before we find we are actually able to implement the fruits of that lesson. The important thing is being able to realize when we have fallen (which you have), having the strength to stand back up (which I know you do), and then having the humility to be open to learning that lesson again, or admitting that perhaps you did not learn as much as you thought, or did not really learn what you needed to.

That being said, I have watched you grow, and I am proud of who you are! Put the whip away and realize you are a beautiful and worthwhile person. Look in the mirror and ALLOW yourself the possibility of seeing a person that is worthwhile, because you truly are!

Perovskia said...

@ Hydra - Thanks. I know it will take work... though part of me admits it was as easy as a flick of the wand, as you say. But then, how would we build character? Thanks for your support, as always.

Perovskia said...

@ Life Resident - *smile* Your words are kind. Thank you for the reminder that some lessons may need to be learned over and over. I forget this sometimes and I'm hard on myself because of it. I am always blessed with humility though, for which I'm thankful. I will always accept that there is something still for me to learn.

You have this convincing quality about you that works magic, sometimes; so per your request, I'll put the whip away for now.

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