This will be a brief post. I'm tired, I've had an extremely long day (a full shift and tons 'o socializing after) and I think I'm going to spare myself the impending agony I'd like to put myself through. But on said agony, a passing thought....
I wonder what it takes to realize my self-worth. I've written about this in the past, I'm almost sure of it, though I'm not sure I could find the post if I tried. I sit here in tears because today was another wake-up call about how much more I deserve, but by recent actions am not achieving or receiving. I'm so angry with myself because I look back and I've come SO FAR the past year or two; the leaps and bounds of self-growth has been astounding. Yet I look at the situations I've put myself in and I can honestly critique every one (of three particular ones I'm thinking of) - and honestly - not just being self-critical, that don't at all reflect what I've learned. I'm really, really disappointed. As I sit here in hindsight, I realize that a) I'm not as okay with being alone as I thought I was (and this was a harsh dose of reality because I thought I took great strides to overcome this) and b) I truly don't see my self-worth. If you are a friend of mine... I don't know if you see it or not (I mean, seeing that I'm worth something), because I don't at all. Apparently.
I have to stop all negative or non-affirming associations ~ and I don't know if I have the strength. I really, really don't. I can plainly see as night and day what I need to do... but I really don't know if I can. In fact, I know I'll have difficulty. But, I've gotten myself into these situations, so I have to get myself out.
I don't know what I'm scared of. It's ridiculous. And now with my vulnerability, I fear my night terrors will come back tonight. I'm scared to go to sleep, but then part of me is too tired not to. I have another day shift tomorrow so I have to rest.
Anyways, that's it for me tonight. Maybe I'll branch on the 'why I'm scared' bit, later. I think it deserves some investigation.