Not Enough Hours in the Day

I'm trying not to panic. Yes, we all know panic solves nothing, but this is what I do.

In about 24 hrs I have to have this place spic-and-span clean. Spotless. I'm having a PartyLite candle party tomorrow and though the numbers attending are few and they all know me and that I shouldn't be worried how my place looks, I worry anyways. I don't know when I'll find the time to clean. I've picked up a shift for tonight (that I didn't really want, though I suppose I'll be happy when the paycheque comes in). So I don't have all day to clean today, like I would have originally. And I kinda need the 'all day' mentality to clean, or I feel rushed, then I don't feel like doing it (I didn't say I made any sense). So then I'll be rushed tomorrow morning to clean pre-party, and that's okay but it's a different sort of rushed. And that means I won't be able to attend Mass (originally planned for tonight) because I have to work, and now clean. Bah! I'm pissed because it's been two weeks and this is the first week of Advent, so I really should go. I'm going to sacrifice it, though, and clean instead. Careful. I know I lead a pretty exciting life. You're envious right now, aren't you.

And I know I was made to work today because hot deaf guy is going to be with his mom at the hospital today (well, God-willing) and the universe is going to make me ask him out myself, since all attempts the past week have been fruitless. I've also added this on my stress-o-meter.

Today might finally be winter coat day. It's getting chilly enough that my layers just aren't doing it anymore. At a brisk 2C (37 F for my American friends) , who can blame me? What? I should have had it on a while ago? Naw.. it's been great weather till now.

I dreamed that I had a had a dream, last night. In the dream-dream a friend passed away. I was very upset! Then I woke up from that dream and realized (in the other dream) it was a lesson/message. An interesting one now in consciousness that I can't see the connection, but I digress. I know this makes no sense to you. I'm babbling because I'm nervous about tonight and well...*looking around the apartment*... I'd better start that cleaning.

A Few Things...

Thing the first: I got 2 tests back for the second course I'm on. 90% on both! :)

Thing the second: I did it. I wrote the email I didn't want to write and I dealt with everything. Something tells me it's not over, but I took that big step, I'm at peace with it and that's what matters.

Thing the third: Hot deaf guy has not been in touch. His mom hasn't been in the past couple days, so I don't know what's going on. I hope she comes in soon so we can talk.

Thing the fourth: Paxil sucks. Let me tell you the minor repercussions I've had from taking said medication. I know I told you it didn't affect me mentally. Well guess what, I lied. I now have the attention span of a gnat. If I don't comprehend something in the first 5 seconds, I move on. It's almost made me a sort of ADD, though very minor if there was ever a comparison. If I'm studying I'll make myself study for x-amount of time, even though I want to get up and leave it because I don't get something. It's like exercise, right? You gotta push yourself to get to the 100 crunches.

Thing the fifth: What a great night for TV. First a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving was on, and now Band of Brothers. Fantastic.

Hmm.. I thought I had something else to say, but my memory eludes me. It's almost Friday. Woo!

Later Edit: I'm off the Paxil. Have been for a couple weeks. This is the after-effects.

Procrastinating the Inevitable

I don't really have anything to say today. I don't know why I opened it up for a new post. Well, I do know. I'm procrastinating. I know I have to do something and I'm trying to do everything to not do it.

I have to practice what I preach. I've been avoiding sending out an email the past couple days because I don't want to talk about what's bothering me with this person, and that we can no longer have the status level of relationship/friendship we have now. We can have one, but not, as I said, to that level. And I know I need to talk to this person and not avoid it or (wishfully) let it fade away, I have to confront.

It's funny because I'd jump at the chance to confront someone about something. Back in the day, anyways. I like to push things. But it seems the older I get, the less drama I wish to attract. I just want to start living life peacefully.

So to be peaceful, I have to be honest and live authentically. Onward I go....

Website

Ha! Well if you ever doubt sugar was any good for you, you now have this list to tell you *why* it's bad for you. Quite comprehensive, if you ask me. I was impressed.

Sad News

I got word cancer guy passed away this morning. I was forwarded to his blog (written by his wife the past few weeks since he couldn't) from someone else who knew of him. I would love to show you the link to the blog but it gives our city and I don't want to publish that (for my safety, heh, not his). But I can tell you about him. I know he means nothing to you, but him and his family & friends touched me, so I want to write about him.

Not that there's much to say. I don't know much about him. The community raves about what a fantastic teacher he was. He always seemed very nice when I went to go see him. His family was fantastic. Every night I would deliver dinner and every night like clockwork I would cross paths with his dad who brought in a large basket filled with homemade goodies (to which I joked I came at the perfect time to crash their fantastic-looking dinner party). When he started rapidly going downhill, his entire support team came in droves.

He was 45 diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer (a non-smoker) in August of this year.

I know I didn't have to care; I'm just a worker in the hospital that served him dinner everyday. I see death all the time. I could keep walking around without acknowledging my patients or what's wrong with them or how it affects their families, but I do care... or else I wouldn't work where I am.

Godspeed, M.E. May the angels guide you and God comfort your family.

Christmas - Not Feelin' It

Yeah, I said the 'C' word. Sorry.

I'm usually all over Christmas like white on rice. This year? I can't be bothered. I can't ever tell you why I *love* Christmas, I just do. I don't care so much about any other holidays of the year (except Easter); I don't care much for Halloween. Canada Day? Meh. But Christmas.. geez.. this is the one time of the year I get to *gasp* put out my snowmen! I forgot about the snowmen (I collect them like a fiend)! Okay, I'm a little more excited. But that's more of a winter thing and not a Christmas thing. I don't know. I guess I really wanted to be with someone for Christmas and there's not too much in my favour right now that it'll happen. I don't really have many people to share the holiday with; no family (one's too far away, another's too busy with the restaurant), friends have their own families. So... I'll try not to stay down about it and keep my head up in hopes that this year will be better than the last. Leading into.........

Hot deaf guy hasn't written back yet. I fear my email went to his junk mail folder and he won't see it. Are you crossing your fingers??? I don't see them crossed. You, over there.. I need to see some fingers crossed, please :)

Alright. Those are the musings of the day. I have two days off with some cleaning and LOTS of studying to do. I'm on my last lesson so I'm anxious to get it done. Wish me luck!

Update on Work Stuff

Well, cancer guy still hasn't passed yet. Poor thing. Just not ready to go, I guess. I keep thinking about his family, his wife, his parents. I know what it's like to wait for someone to die and I don't wish it on anyone. But they're holding on. I don't see as many at the hospital now, just a couple of people. I wonder what he's going through, in his head, I mean. He would plainly not be of this earth (mentally) anymore, so... what's going on in his head? What does he think about? Is he conversing with God? (I'm Catholic, so naturally I'll take a Catholic approach.) I don't know that what he's going through is purgatory, cause I'm sure that happens after you die (okay not sure, but that's what they say). What is happening in that surreal world that he's now a part of? Anyways, I think about that.

Oh, and those palliative patients I mentioned? Not so palliative anymore! One woman has done a complete 360 and I told her she looks fabulous. It's a very amazing change to watch.

Remember the deaf guy I mentioned a few days ago, and his daughter (confirmed, that's who it is) that comes in to see him? Well.... daughter has a son, also deaf. And hot. He's not in often, but when he is, we kinda exchange eye contact. She introduced us last night and I haven't been able to stop thinking about him since. Well, I got talking to his mom and asked if he was single; to which she freely gave me his email address *lol*. We had a good laugh over it and I wrote hot deaf guy tonight. Thing is, I forgot to ask hot deaf guy's name, so he will remain with this description until I know otherwise :) *sigh* I hope he writes. All of you.. cross your fingers!! ... please :)

Well, I'd better get something in my belly (I still haven't eaten dinner yet) and ready for Brothers & Sisters (is Rebecca ever going to tell Justin?!).

Hope everyone had a great weekend. Night'all!

Thoughts

I don't really feel like going to work today. I noticed yesterday my recent tiredness finally caught up with me and I noticed I'm coming down with something. So I doubled my vitamin C and my rest/sleep and so far O.K. I've been fending it off. I don't want to go to work today so I don't know if it's my mood or my health. Or my just being done with dealing with crap the past few days (emotional stuff). Anyhoo...

Cancer guy hasn't died yet. Not as of last nights shift, anyways. When his dad passed me in the hallway, I asked him if I could talk to him for a sec and pulled him aside. I said something to the effect of, "I don't know if it means anything, but I've been praying for him" to which he seemed touched and appreciative. We talked a bit about how he's doing and I told him I was thinking of them and let him go on his way. I don't know why I felt compelled to tell him, I just felt pushed to so I did. It may be for a reason I don't know or see from here. I never know who believes and who doesn't, or even to what degree *what* they believe in, but I hope they know the kind thoughts are there.

Looking at the Oprah magazine last night in the checkout line, I realized I don't need Oprah (or anyone) to tell me how to live a meaningful, thankful, appreciative life trying to touch others, yada yada yada. I try to live in a cognizant state that recognizes people's needs in a compassionate, empathetic way that is me. I reach out to who I can when I can.

Well, off to work. Wish me luck to get through the shift quickly. Lets hope it's quiet.

Work

Bit of a frustrating day at work today. Not sure why. I've got a lot on my mind and maybe that's what started setting off my day. *shrug*

I've got a patient who's... how can I say this diplomatically... well, I'll just say I'm surprised she's not down at the regional mental health hospital. Anyhoo.. I get numerous requests for food. An obsession has grown from muffin, to muffins and yogurt, to (tonight) muffins, yogurt and Cheerios. I thought the Cheerios was kind of random. And when I say obsession, I mean I got 4 DSN's (Dietary, Special Needs) tonight. Four. For Cheerios. But I digress.

One of my cancer patients is severely palliative tonight. It makes me sad because there was a write-up in the local paper about him; a teacher who's school got together and raised a big donation for him for his treatments. I was delivering dinner and his friends or family, whoever they were told me not to bother delivering dinner to them because he'd taken a turn for the worse. No word of a lie, his like, entire support team showed up. About 15 people! I thought that was fantastic. A couple of kids went for a Timmie's run and came back with a LARGE BAG FULL. I'm not even kidding. So I guess they were planning to be there all night. I was sad about his health deteriorating quickly, but if the Lord's gonna take him, I pray He takes him quickly. Some were in tears, some laughing. We all have our ways of dealing with grief. I remember when we'd have a funeral back home, it was like a family reunion. Sure we'd be sad at first, but then we'd just be talking and laughing about things. You've always gotta find a way to laugh....

A couple other patients of mine are palliative, but they're slower going. I wish they weren't. Slow is the worst of all.

I don't know that I'd be comfortable staying in a hospital when I know there's so much death around me. Working in it doesn't bother me. Either way I know it's a part of life.

That's about it for tonight. I guess I'm just kinda sad that guy's dying.

Squatting

Here's an interesting subject for you: squatting.

It's new to me. When I was at my dad's last weekend, F. (step-mother) and I were talking and she mentioned her chiropractor suggested she practice squatting 2-3 times a day. Except instead of keeping your arms on the outside, bring them inside your legs and slightly push apart. It really stretches the muscles. I didn't ask why she was to do this, I was more put off track by the randomness of the conversation. I tried it, though and it really works. The stretch feels good.

I started to research it a bit from what she mentioned to me. It's the most natural position for us. It helps with waste elimination, it's a yoga pose, helps to ease and make a more natural childbirth and if you watch, you'll even see small children instinctively doing it. Now, I'm not a great informer of anything primal, but don't you see this or similar positions with our ape ancestors?

It takes a lot of pressure off some of our internal organs and even prevents some illnesses - a load of gastrointestinal disorders, diverticulitis, colon cancer, IBS, appendicitis, etc. We've just been using the conventional toilet for the past 150 years. This web page argues we have these ailments because we're not assuming the squatting position anymore.

I still have some research to do on this but I thought I would open it up for discussion. Try the exercise and let me know what you thought.

Try 'squatting position' in Google and see what kind of things you come up with.