Thursday, January 28, 2010

Coming Into My Own... Or Not..

I'm not sure where to start this post.  I guess I'll start by saying I had a hard time sleeping last night.  Well, I think I fell asleep okay, but I woke up at 4am for some reason and couldn't get back to sleep for a while.  The days events kept running through my mind.

When I was standing in line at the drug store yesterday I read the headlines on the front of the current Oprah magazine, one of which containing, "Coming Into Your Own".  Which is exactly how I've been feeling lately.  When I first started my 30's, it was fabulous.  I had confidence.  I wasn't afraid to speak out.  I was bolder.  But as the years progress, I feel more like an awkward 12 year old, than a brave, confident 30-something.  I've lost my groove.  I've been carving out my niche in the world career wise, but when it comes to personal relationships (friends and otherwise) there's lots of change going on, I see.  What once used to fit, doesn't anymore.  Some friends and I have parted ways the past year; some to my doing, but mostly not.  I understand this happens and it's not *that* that I have a problem with.  I start to question myself.  Is it something I'm doing?  Yesterday was filled with me saying all the wrong things at all the right times, so maybe it's incidences like that.  I don't know.  I feel uncomfortable.  I feel.. like I don't know what to say anymore.  I feel like I want to bury my head in a hole and let the world pass by while I figure this out.  Even when I think I'm saying the right thing, I question if I should say anything at all.  I don't know how else to explain it.  I just feel... awkward.

I tried to do a couple things last night for myself while I had a quiet night in.  I baked.  Y'know what?  Even my baking, I find, reflects my moods.  When I try to bake when I've had a less than stellar day, my end product isn't as great as when I do have a good day.  It's interesting, because I don't do much different.  I did have a nice hot relaxing bath, though.  That was nice.  Did some Psalm reading before bed, too, so that helped.

Anyways, that's my babble for today.  Thank goodness this week's almost over.  I have the weekend off and I plan to relax (and study).


Bix said...

Well, that just about defines awkward :) I've felt that.

Perovskia said...

*lol* By saying you've 'felt' also means that it goes away, too, right? :)

Bix said...

Yes. Thank God. Everything goes away. (Even when I don't want it to!)

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