I've done a lot of internalizing this weekend. Mostly all today. Even though I was in very social surroundings, I was very quiet, very much "in my head". I've been anxious since yesterday without any particular reason. I am going to speak of random things without much order or sense.
Have you ever been out and seen who you thought.. you were *sure*.. was someone you knew, only it wasn't? You saw their 'twin'. Perhaps their... doppelganger, if you will. I still remember the day I thought I saw a public school friend of mine at a park event; this was years ago and I still remember it. Wasn't sure if it was her at first and I literally almost had to stare at this person and follow them to make sure if it was/wasn't her. It wasn't. But, she was important to me and it shook me up a little. My sister says she thought she saw me once, as her masseur (listen, if I was doing that job, I would be better off than I am now). I was told by someone today they 'saw' me. What is it that draws people from our past to us in the present? Why does it shake us up? Does it mean anything? Was it coincidence? If everything happens for a reason, what was the reason for that? Why do I seek answers to things that have no answer?
I fear I'm not important to anyone. I'm no one's priority (Babu doesn't count - he's dependent..heh). I don't even mean to imply that I have to 'belong' to someone or be someone's significant other. Even though I have someone(s) it doesn't mean I feel any more a part of something.. or of someone. I even mean to friends; no one's finding time to communicate with me like they used to. Is it something I've done? Do I need to change who I am? I'm just feeling very alone regardless of who or what's in my life right now. Yes, it may be irrational, but it's there.
I have been feeling very uncomfortable in my own skin lately. I don't care for this.
Random: Compliance. Ending?
I watched American's Extreme Home Makeover and it made me wonder if there's not something I can do for the better. Who can I help? What can I do to make the world a better place? Yeah, it brought out the warm-fuzzies. I hate that show for that. Sometimes I just want to keep them locked in. It's easier.
I came across someone today for a repeated time that I feel drawn to. I don't know what draws me to this person and for the simple fact we don't even know each other that well; sort of by.. association. At first I thought it was an attraction, but the more I examined it, the more I realized I think the universe is prompting me to get to know this person. But how? How do I get to know someone when we never talk, never even really have a chance of talking, never associate with each other outside of a few times a year of chance gatherings?? Am I being vague enough for you?
That's about all I have to say today. Sorry it's not more positive. It's not written from a 'self pity' sort of angle, I'm just calling it like I see it (read: how I feel it). I'm going to continue to be quiet until I get more studying done, so I apologize for some continued random absence. Medical Terminology is kicking me in the arse (learning latin, biology and new terms all in one shot will do that to ya). And I have yet to write about last weekends Jazz Festival and Nuit Blanche (SO much fun); I even took pictures!
Happy Monday everyone - I hope the week starts off fabulous for you :)
Edit: Forgot to add something.