Monday, September 20, 2010


In retrospect, I don't think that my loneliness comes from lack of human contact so much (it can't be that, because I have it and I'm still lonely) so that hints it's emotional and/or spiritual (well, that's a given).  I realized I don't feel needed anymore (physical needs not broached here).  No one's come to me for advice.  No one's needed my help.  No one's needed to lean on me or rely on me for anything.  This is how I've defined my character; how much I'm at a service to others.  When that service depletes, I feel 'less' of a human (I need to examine if that statement is correct as I'm not sure if that's what I want to say here).  Perhaps I want to say.. incomplete.

Also, because I have standards for people keeping in touch with me on certain levels or expectations, doesn't mean that's what their standards are.  I understand I take it personally and I understand that's my problem.  What makes me desire to be held in someone's certain...regard... is unknown.  That's where I think I don't matter.  "If they're not paying attention to me or writing me as often as they used to, I must be unimportant."

Which isn't to say I'm any better.  I am pretty sure I don't conform to some people's expectations of communication (my mother, for one).

Self confidence.  Well, obviously part of that is shot out the window.

Why do we have different levels of needs?  Why am I getting upset at friends' lack of contact?  Why am I being such a girl about this guy not calling me back (even though he told me he was busy)?  Why are womens and mens expectations/needs different?  Why do I feel like I'm in the middle of a black hole?  Why can't I feel the love that I see I do have from my friends?  Yes, I feel like an ass right now and yes I want to bury myself in a hole.

So many questions


hydra said...

How about feeling needed at work? Ever thought you've been giving too much of yourself and now your reserves are depleted? Your advice and feedback is spot on, in my experience. I think, if you studied counselling, you'd make a first rate one! Or an agony aunt!

Perovskia said...

Heh, I thought many times about taking up counselling.

Very possible about reserves depleted. There was a seminar about that at work but missed it. Would like to catch it next time around.

Anonymous said...

Good point, though sometimes it's hard to arrive to definite conclusions

Perovskia said...

It really can be.

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