Saturday, October 9, 2010

I've just had lunch.  Babu's laying contently on the ottoman (post-claw trimming).  I'm sipping a very hot coffee (just eaten with a very yummy biscotti).  Looking out the window on this wonderful sort of Indian Summer day (with windows open a smidge).  I'm procrastinating, though.  I've vowed that I'm taking it slow today (after an extremely stressful week) and yet it's hard for me to just... sit here.  I've gotten up several times since I clicked on the keyboard for my first word and I keep intentionally looking for distractions. Nope.  I will force myself to slow down and sit here. *look at coffee*  *look outside*  *look at Babu*  *watch Babu roll over*  *get tempted to take more pictures of Babu*  *look at coffee again*  *look out window*  *hold coffee in hands to warm them while staring out window*   Geez, you'd think I was ADD.

Work has been the biggest stresser this week.  I apologize I can't say much (being aware of my potential audience) but I am learning more about people.. and not in a good way.  How people change, not always for the better.  How people can hold resentment and grudges and bitterness.  How respect for management can rise and fall to the day.  This is the week I wanted to look for a new job... and you know how much I love my job.  This week was the breaking point.  That is, until I slowed down yesterday and realized if I had any ownership in it.  Not much, most of it is with other people, but I allowed myself to get more angry than a) I'm accustomed to and b) more than I'm comfortable with.  I'm not an angry person.  Sure, I throw a good vent.  If I put my heart into it, I could throw enough curse words in to make a sailor blush (we should have a contest sometime, L. ;)  ).  But.... anger serves no one, least of all ourselves.  I account myself this week to being a less-than-perfect human (yes, it's an oxymoron).  I let emotions get the rise and didn't have enough discipline to slow down and ask Him for grace and strength.  I feel I let Him down for all the anger that consumed me.  So, I took a step back.  When people ask why I had a bad week, I don't discuss it (thus it would fuel the anger again).  "Just work," I'll say and I'll monitor my actions and thoughts and try to move on.  These are the weeks that I question myself if I need to look for a new job.  Or a new department.  Or a new career?  Then I stake another step back and realize some peoples lives are worse than mine so that usually makes me stfu for a while.

Another issue that has been on the back of my mind is my weight.  Every day I see myself and every day I'm not happy.  I had a big moment this week when I admitted to myself that I can't do it alone.  I just can't.  I've hit bottom.  I have cut down the sugar a little, but that's it.  Okay, maybe not really.  Yeah I have a little because it was upsetting my stomach too much.  Anyways, the defeatist in me is coming out again so that's about all I have to say about this.

I am strong.  I have physical strength and I have mental and emotional strength.  But, I fear you will not see that in these posts.

8 comments:

hydra said...

You're wrong. I DO see your inner strength in your posts. Very much so. And believe me, even cutting out that little bit of sugar will make a difference. Hey, we could do it together! I take one spoonful in tea and coffee. How about we both halve our normal amount? My weight has crept up by five pounds in the last two months and I want to lose it again, but that might mean no wine, either! Maybe that's going TOO far!

thecottagebythecranelakeolof1 said...

It is hard to relax after a stressful week at work. It was much the same for me until this week. I´m the head of union at work and we´ve had a huge problem that finally got solved.

But I, thankfully, easily comes back to the do nothing stage here at home :-) But I think You show strength just by deciding to do nothing!

Have a great day now!
Christer.

Perovskia said...

Hydra - Heh.. yes, don't eliminate the wine! It's good for you, remember? :) Okay, we can cut sugar together. Half. We'll report back in a few days?

Perovskia said...

Christer - Yeah, being the head of a union can't be easy; that's a huge job. You must have a lot of patience (though I can already see that from reading your blog). And thanks.. sometimes doing nothing does take effort and strength!

Bix said...

Do biscotti upset your stomach?

Perovskia said...

I don't believe they do - but I was eating it with coffee (and coffee upsets me) so it's hard to say. I'm going to say no because my stomach doesn't get any 'more' upset than usual.

Bix said...

That's interesting! So we can rule out any gluten problem. Possibly even sugar?

Perovskia said...

Yeah, gluten doesn't seem to be a problem, though it does seem to help if I restrict it a bit. I *can't* have sugar.. that's what's been causing the problem. And all in different forms.. straight, bread, fruit sometimes, baked goods, sweets, potato, pop, etc, etc.

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