I've just had lunch. Babu's laying contently on the ottoman (post-claw trimming). I'm sipping a very hot coffee (just eaten with a very yummy biscotti). Looking out the window on this wonderful sort of Indian Summer day (with windows open a smidge). I'm procrastinating, though. I've vowed that I'm taking it slow today (after an extremely stressful week) and yet it's hard for me to just... sit here. I've gotten up several times since I clicked on the keyboard for my first word and I keep intentionally looking for distractions. Nope. I will force myself to slow down and sit here. *look at coffee* *look outside* *look at Babu* *watch Babu roll over* *get tempted to take more pictures of Babu* *look at coffee again* *look out window* *hold coffee in hands to warm them while staring out window* Geez, you'd think I was ADD.
Work has been the biggest stresser this week. I apologize I can't say much (being aware of my potential audience) but I am learning more about people.. and not in a good way. How people change, not always for the better. How people can hold resentment and grudges and bitterness. How respect for management can rise and fall to the day. This is the week I wanted to look for a new job... and you know how much I love my job. This week was the breaking point. That is, until I slowed down yesterday and realized if I had any ownership in it. Not much, most of it is with other people, but I allowed myself to get more angry than a) I'm accustomed to and b) more than I'm comfortable with. I'm not an angry person. Sure, I throw a good vent. If I put my heart into it, I could throw enough curse words in to make a sailor blush (we should have a contest sometime, L. ;) ). But.... anger serves no one, least of all ourselves. I account myself this week to being a less-than-perfect human (yes, it's an oxymoron). I let emotions get the rise and didn't have enough discipline to slow down and ask Him for grace and strength. I feel I let Him down for all the anger that consumed me. So, I took a step back. When people ask why I had a bad week, I don't discuss it (thus it would fuel the anger again). "Just work," I'll say and I'll monitor my actions and thoughts and try to move on. These are the weeks that I question myself if I need to look for a new job. Or a new department. Or a new career? Then I stake another step back and realize some peoples lives are worse than mine so that usually makes me stfu for a while.
Another issue that has been on the back of my mind is my weight. Every day I see myself and every day I'm not happy. I had a big moment this week when I admitted to myself that I can't do it alone. I just can't. I've hit bottom. I have cut down the sugar a little, but that's it. Okay, maybe not really. Yeah I have a little because it was upsetting my stomach too much. Anyways, the defeatist in me is coming out again so that's about all I have to say about this.
I am strong. I have physical strength and I have mental and emotional strength. But, I fear you will not see that in these posts.