Saturday, October 2, 2010

As I Continue To Bare My Soul......

I'm not sure I have much to write about this morning, but I'll see what comes out.

It's a dreary, gloomy, rainy Saturday morning.  I was going to go to market, but I'm going to stay in instead (save money and keep myself in from the weather).  There's a cold or some sort of sickness going around, so I need to keep my resistance up as much as possible.  Lord knows I pick up enough from the hospital alone.

The past couple days have been nice catching up with a couple of friends, rather by phone or visit.  Much needed.

My mood was pretty low the past week though it's been a bit better as of late.  I've chalked it up to PMS.  I still forget my mood swings aren't as... violent, we'll say... as they were before on the pill.  It still takes some getting used to.  I'm still trying to find non-hormonal methods of birth control and I've come up with the copper IUD, but having a piece of metal inserted into my body semi-permanently sort of weirds me out.  Not sure about that one yet.  So the search continues (not that there's much to choose from).  I guess one has to have sex in order to worry about birth control. *sighs*  I joked on my status last night on Facebook that I need to invent Rent-A-Boyfriend :)  (ha, no, not for sex. The originating motive was because I was feeling cuddly.. with no one to cuddle.  That always sucks.)  Anyhoo...the mood hasn't helped that I've been can I politely say... well, like a cow.  I've gained 10lbs and it's really brought me down.  So, I've sort of given up.  I'm eating whatever (well, I can't consciously eat "whatever" because the "whatever" is dictated by my stomach) and the defeatist in me is not caring.  I'm alone.  Who cares.  No one's here to notice anyways.  Yeah... there's a lot of negative self-talk going on upstairs.  Yesterday was an odd day, though.  Yesterday I had a lot of energy (it could in part be due to all the sugar I consumed.  I'm really surprised I didn't go into a coma).  But it was a 'healthy' sort of energy.  I was walking around differently, standing tall, could do multiple stair runs.  It was odd.  Unfortunately, a rare occurrence.  Bleh.

I mean, I've been eating like it was going out of style (and it's all sugar, which of course, has been making me sick).  I know most of it is the PMS, because I don't always eat this often, but for example..... this past week at work was Employee Appreciation Week in our department.  There was cake yesterday.  Sweet, full-of-sugar-icing cake.  It was divided into chunks to be transported home, or wherever (to help get rid of it).  I had a small piece on shift and then I took one of those chunks home.  Did I need to?  God no and I knew that at the time when I had it in my hands.  I literally heard myself say, "I don't need this".  But I grabbed it anyways. So I was curious as to why I did (PMS aside).  I felt like a kid again; the 10 year old who always rushed to get the last of something, or seconds, or whatever.  I literally felt like her again.  So... what have I not resolved in the last 20-some years?  WHY did I go for that cake?  Why did I feel I was 10?  Why, when I was 10, did I feel I had to scramble to eat anything left over?  It certainly wasn't discouraged by my parents.  I think there's a lot on my mind right now and it is a problem that won't be solved today.  One thing to make note of, though.... I've noticed the past 24hrs (especially laying in bed last night) that my internal respiratory organs have increased; higher heart rate, faster breathing, feeling more anxious.  I never 'got' why diabetes (for those new reading, I don't have, but perhaps classified as pre-diabetic) increased cardiac problems, but now I have my proof.  I really need to calm down and just....calm down.

The Leadership series at work is going well, but I got a kick in my self-righteous ass this week.  It was a bit of a shot to my ego.  Lets just say I became a bit humbled.  It was needed.  I *hated* it and I was a bit offended at the time, don't get me wrong, but it was much needed.  Also took things a little more personally than probably necessary (who? me? you josh :)  /sarcasm ).  So I'm still working on this week's info.  I'm learning a lot about myself.

In fact, I think I'll start working on some of that now.

I'm not sure why I tell you everything in my head.  Some of this is really *too* personal of stuff, but I thank you, gentle reader, for being kind and not judging.  I've still got a lot of stuff to work out and I'm sure I'll continue to tell you my steps along the way, so thanks for the 'ear'.


Wendy said...

Really, I just came on here to look at pictures of your super-awesome cat, but I wanted to omment on something. I hope I am not speaking out of turn here.

Re: Birth control options, I would be super careful about an IUD. With it being a foreign object semi-permanently implanted in your body, so there is always a risk of things like infection, and possibly of scar tissue growing around the device. Infection is pretty rare, but if it does happen...bad news. I would be concered knowing that a friend of mine (or anyone, really, but moreso a friend) had one.

Just my $0.02.


hydra said...

I really admire you for sharing so much with your blog readers. I hope you get something out of writing it down. Perhaps some distance and objectivity. My therapist taught me about 7-11 breathing, which has helped me when panic has started to set in in any situation. You breathe in for a count of 7 and out for a count of 11. I could only manage 3 and 5 at first, then 5 and 7. She said it doesn't matter so long as the breathing out is longer than the breathing in. Worth a try!

Perovskia said...

Wendy - You commented on what I totally didn't expect you to comment Your concern is exactly why I'm hesitant. Like you said, it's rare, but very possible (and Lord knows with my luck). So.. I'm putting it off for now and might possibly do more research on it.

Perovskia said...

Hydra - Thanks so much for that :) I do get a bit of perspective and distance. Kind of like.. it's out of my head so I don't have to think about it 24/7 anymore (only 6 days of the week, instead of 7.. lol).

And I will be sure to try that breathing technique! My Gram told me something similar once. I've been trying to be conscious of and slow down my breathing lately.

hydra said...

I do it on the tube, when the train stops in the dark between stations and I begin to panic. It really does work. Re birth control: I used a diaphragm for years as the pill didn't agree with me. It was messy, but I felt in control, which was good. And if the guy was OK about using condoms, I didn't use the diaphragm.

Perovskia said...

I thought about a diaphragm but I'm not sure my insides will... accept it, per se. I have a retroverted uterus and some things don't.. stay put, we'll say. So I have to look at other avenues.

hydra said...

I had a retroverted uterus, too. Once or twice the diaphragm went round a corner and got stuck!!! Maybe that's not such a good idea for you then.

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