As I Continue To Bare My Soul......

I'm not sure I have much to write about this morning, but I'll see what comes out.

It's a dreary, gloomy, rainy Saturday morning.  I was going to go to market, but I'm going to stay in instead (save money and keep myself in from the weather).  There's a cold or some sort of sickness going around, so I need to keep my resistance up as much as possible.  Lord knows I pick up enough from the hospital alone.

The past couple days have been nice catching up with a couple of friends, rather by phone or visit.  Much needed.

My mood was pretty low the past week though it's been a bit better as of late.  I've chalked it up to PMS.  I still forget my mood swings aren't as... violent, we'll say... as they were before on the pill.  It still takes some getting used to.  I'm still trying to find non-hormonal methods of birth control and I've come up with the copper IUD, but having a piece of metal inserted into my body semi-permanently sort of weirds me out.  Not sure about that one yet.  So the search continues (not that there's much to choose from).  I guess one has to have sex in order to worry about birth control. *sighs*  I joked on my status last night on Facebook that I need to invent Rent-A-Boyfriend :)  (ha, no, not for sex. The originating motive was because I was feeling cuddly.. with no one to cuddle.  That always sucks.)  Anyhoo...the mood hasn't helped that I've been feeling...how can I politely say... well, like a cow.  I've gained 10lbs and it's really brought me down.  So, I've sort of given up.  I'm eating whatever (well, I can't consciously eat "whatever" because the "whatever" is dictated by my stomach) and the defeatist in me is not caring.  I'm alone.  Who cares.  No one's here to notice anyways.  Yeah... there's a lot of negative self-talk going on upstairs.  Yesterday was an odd day, though.  Yesterday I had a lot of energy (it could in part be due to all the sugar I consumed.  I'm really surprised I didn't go into a coma).  But it was a 'healthy' sort of energy.  I was walking around differently, standing tall, could do multiple stair runs.  It was odd.  Unfortunately, a rare occurrence.  Bleh.

I mean, I've been eating like it was going out of style (and it's all sugar, which of course, has been making me sick).  I know most of it is the PMS, because I don't always eat this often, but for example..... this past week at work was Employee Appreciation Week in our department.  There was cake yesterday.  Sweet, full-of-sugar-icing cake.  It was divided into chunks to be transported home, or wherever (to help get rid of it).  I had a small piece on shift and then I took one of those chunks home.  Did I need to?  God no and I knew that at the time when I had it in my hands.  I literally heard myself say, "I don't need this".  But I grabbed it anyways. So I was curious as to why I did (PMS aside).  I felt like a kid again; the 10 year old who always rushed to get the last of something, or seconds, or whatever.  I literally felt like her again.  So... what have I not resolved in the last 20-some years?  WHY did I go for that cake?  Why did I feel I was 10?  Why, when I was 10, did I feel I had to scramble to eat anything left over?  It certainly wasn't discouraged by my parents.  I think there's a lot on my mind right now and it is a problem that won't be solved today.  One thing to make note of, though.... I've noticed the past 24hrs (especially laying in bed last night) that my internal respiratory organs have increased; higher heart rate, faster breathing, feeling more anxious.  I never 'got' why diabetes (for those new reading, I don't have, but perhaps classified as pre-diabetic) increased cardiac problems, but now I have my proof.  I really need to calm down and just....calm down.

The Leadership series at work is going well, but I got a kick in my self-righteous ass this week.  It was a bit of a shot to my ego.  Lets just say I became a bit humbled.  It was needed.  I *hated* it and I was a bit offended at the time, don't get me wrong, but it was much needed.  Also took things a little more personally than probably necessary (who? me? you josh :)  /sarcasm ).  So I'm still working on this week's info.  I'm learning a lot about myself.

In fact, I think I'll start working on some of that now.

I'm not sure why I tell you everything in my head.  Some of this is really *too* personal of stuff, but I thank you, gentle reader, for being kind and not judging.  I've still got a lot of stuff to work out and I'm sure I'll continue to tell you my steps along the way, so thanks for the 'ear'.