Admittance

Right, so, I think the problem is that I feel guilty whenever I try to feel the appropriate self-worth I should.  Something along the way has told me it's not right, or selfish or what have you.  Why?  Who knows.  Somehow people, life events and the world around me has conditioned me to feel accordingly.  I really don't care about delving into the 'why' right now, I just want to deal with the 'what'.  At least now that I'm cognizant of it, I can take responsibility and ownership for my feelings, actions, etc.

What next?  Dude, I don't know. I'm just happy I got this far :)

Hmmm...

... and then there was one.

A Point In Between

I don't know that one can achieve a point of compromise with all things.  In fact, I'm pretty sure you can't.  Morals come into play, relation of one's attachment to beliefs, etc.  I'm trying to figure out a "happy medium", if one exists, about some of the situations I'm in.  Or, if you will, said situations combined as one (since they're quite similar).  What I'm really looking for, if you know how to read between the lines, is to have my cake and eat it, too.  I'm being selfish.  Part of me figures I'm entitled, given this part of my life the past couple years (or if you want to extend that, 5) but another part of me thinks it's not a great attribute to have; I know the right answer and what I have to do... I just don't want to do it :P  Yet keeping myself in these situations is getting me no further ahead.  In fact, some days it makes it worse.

Do I talk cryptic enough for you?  Sorry.

I wish I could lay it all out on the line for you, dear reader, but I can't.  I can't publicize it all (online), so you're stuck with my code.

I need to find the point where I can keep myself in certain relationships while maintaining (and expressing) my integrity.  That's where I'm stuck.  I'm not standing up for myself enough, but that comes from the post the other night - not seeing my self-worth or having faith in my confidence.  I have confidence and self-worth about many things, but not about relationships.  Not quite yet, anyways.  I'm almost there, but I have more work to do.  Ahh.. to grow up in a broken home.  You know what, maybe it's best I'm not married yet.  Growing up with four parents - 2 male figures, one of which abused me and another who was distant all the time (geographically and emotionally), I'm left to fend for myself.  I'd hate for the same scenario to happen to a child of mine.  So you know what, I'm not going to apologize for how I'm handling things.  I'm not going to feel bad and be hard on myself for having to gather up all the pieces strewn over the years.  I think I'm doing alright.  Sure I have low moments, but who wouldn't; I have some serious internal re-wiring to do.  I have a family now (my closest friends) who are supportive & show and give me love without question... and I'm pretty damn blessed.  Some people should be so lucky.

So I'm gonna go to bed with my bad self and get some sleep.  WHY I get more energy at 10:00 at night then I do through the entire day is beyond me.  I did more in the past hour than I did all day.  Go figure.

Keep your friends close.  Thank whatever higher power you believe in, for them.  Or you know what?  Thank them yourself.  Do something special for them or with them.  I'm sure they wouldn't mind hearing how awesome they are and how good great they've been for you.  Have a few laughs.  Forget life for a couple hours.  That's what they're there for.  Remember how blessed you are for how they've helped carry you to where (and who) you are today.

Silliness Ensues...

Because you can never have enough giggles, I introduce you to today's website, Llama Font.  I'm not even kidding.  All you do is type in what you want, and it converts it to llama font for you.  Tres fun.  And I feel like being silly today, so there will be much llama typing.

New Design

I'm still playing around with things, but I've changed the design.  I've wanted to for a while, but.. meh.. just never got around to it.  I might even change it again!  Anyways, we've had a lot of nice, blue skies lately, so I thought I would commemorate that here.  So... don't be surprised if you see things change again (that's how I roll).  I sometimes get bored easily.

A Star Is Born

Buongiorno!  I'd like to introduce you il mio amico, A., known now as 'Life Resident'.  He's started his own blog (appropriately named) The Waiting Room.  I've mentioned A. briefly before.  Maybe you already know A.!  (If you're local you do.)  Please stop by if you want to follow him on his journey, I'm sure he could use our support.  Or if you have any background in or a career in the health care field (MK, CS, I'm looking at you), or if you just want to follow the intelligent and entertaining antics of someone going through medical school, I'm sure this will provide :)  I've also listed his blog in my list of blogs I read/keep tabs on, on the main page here so it'll be easy to keep tabs there as well.  

Buona fortuna, Life Resident.  I can't wait to see what the Waiting Room has in store :)

Self-Worth

This will be a brief post.  I'm tired, I've had an extremely long day (a full shift and tons 'o socializing after) and I think I'm going to spare myself the impending agony I'd like to put myself through.  But on said agony, a passing thought....

I wonder what it takes to realize my self-worth.  I've written about this in the past, I'm almost sure of it, though I'm not sure I could find the post if I tried.  I sit here in tears because today was another wake-up call about how much more I deserve, but by recent actions am not achieving or receiving.  I'm so angry with myself because I look back and I've come SO FAR the past year or two; the leaps and bounds of self-growth has been astounding.  Yet I look at the situations I've put myself in and I can honestly critique every one (of three particular ones I'm thinking of) - and honestly - not just being self-critical, that don't at all reflect what I've learned.  I'm really, really disappointed.  As I sit here in hindsight, I realize that a) I'm not as okay with being alone as I thought I was (and this was a harsh dose of reality because I thought I took great strides to overcome this) and b) I truly don't see my self-worth.  If you are a friend of mine... I don't know if you see it or not (I mean, seeing that I'm worth something), because I don't at all.  Apparently.

I have to stop all negative or non-affirming associations ~ and I don't know if I have the strength.  I really, really don't.  I can plainly see as night and day what I need to do... but I really don't know if I can.  In fact, I know I'll have difficulty.  But, I've gotten myself into these situations, so I have to get myself out.

I don't know what I'm scared of.  It's ridiculous.  And now with my vulnerability, I fear my night terrors will come back tonight.  I'm scared to go to sleep, but then part of me is too tired not to.  I have another day shift tomorrow so I have to rest.

Anyways, that's it for me tonight.  Maybe I'll branch on the 'why I'm scared' bit, later.  I think it deserves some investigation.

Buona notte.

Quotes

You can never do a kindness too soon as you never know how soon will be too late.
~ Old Proverb

Dream, Interrupted

I didn't get the job.

To say I was disappointed was a bit of an understatement.  I'd kind of ridden a lot on these interviews; a chance for a new career, following a new dream, hoping for that *one* foothold to launch off of.  It would have also enabled me to obtain a car to make my life a *little* bit easier.  This wasn't it.  Part of me is okay with that.  Really.  It's just not meant to be, or at least, it's not meant to be with *them*.  And that's fine.  But there's not *one* interview that I haven't gone to where I didn't get the job.  Ever.  So you can call me incredibly skilled or incredibly lucky.  And to be honest, I wasn't too crazy about the 3am wake-up time, so I'm not too upset about that.  Anyways, when I found out, I was out with a friend and thank God for him because I would have wallowed and been depressed the rest of the evening.  Now when I think about it (the news), I don't get as upset about it as I originally would have.  Did I mention I have awesome friends?

I liken it to a funny sort of image: I'm driving my old, wooden horse-drawn cart down a path (dude, don't ask) and naturally I have a destination (I haven't dreamed where I'm going yet.  Maybe that'll be in the next image).  I hit a larger-than-usual rock/stone I didn't see and it busts off my wheel.  I stop, I look, I sigh, and I get off to fix the wheel.  It takes quite a while because I'm by myself (the horses sure aren't good to help, though they pass for 'company') and I've got limited tools.  It takes a while, some sweat, maybe a few good curse words but I am successful and carry on.

Why do our dreams.. our destinations.. our goals.. get interrupted?  Is it to test us?  To see how serious we are?  Is it to divert us to another path?  I mean, it's rhetorical to say we always get tested, but the 'tests' vary on how big they are and how they affect us (or how we let them affect us).

While I'm writing this I'm thinking of friends (some of you reading this) who have overcome or are trying to currently overcome some obstacles; a friend who finished her Masters in Psychology and is trying to get a job in her field.  Someone who got turned down by countless medical schools (and I mean *countless*) to get approved and accepted into one and is (finally) on his way to becoming a doctor.  Someone who just got the unfortunate news of not being accepted to a local, head-of-the-field veterinary school after a second try (and please understand the application process is exhausting).  Someone performing total demolition on her main bathroom (with a four-person family to boot) to start new renovations (not career-minded as others listed, but can be equally life-altering, draining and emotional).  A friend with an illness that invades her body in almost the worst way and is unable to work in the interm or socialize much (or eat for that fact - a basic nourishment we can easily take for granted).  We don't let obstacles or disappointments stop us.  We get let down, we get frustrated.. and maybe we get down right pissed off.. but maybe we pray to our own God for strength and guidance, or maybe we ask the universe to present us with an opportunity that is the right one and we keep our eyes, ears, mind and heart open to see the outstretched hand that will take us where we need to go.  If I ever had a doubt about perseverance (rare; I'm quite stubborn!), you guys are shining examples.  Thank you.

Me?  I'm going to keep on baking and French cooking at home; that's what makes me happy right now (and by the reviews of my test eaters, successful).  I'm going to push my culinary limits, improve my knife skills and get ready for the next opportunity.  I can't sit back waiting for it to come to me, so I sure as hell will prepare myself to go to it and seize the next possibility that comes along.

Oooh... So That's Why...

It came to me randomly last night while I was flipping through my new Julia Child book on why I love French cooking.  To say it's a challenge is rhetorical, but I mean it in a different context.

I often long for the days I spent time in the Algonquin back-country; it was a time where I could get back in touch with nature and myself.  I learned a lot about myself on those trips (survival, endurance, limits, ingenuity of ideas for varying contexts).  I pushed myself (at times I had to if I was alone).  Somehow French cooking allows me to do that.  You have to focus on technique, not rushing, multitasking, thinking ahead about the end product.  I'm sure I'm forgetting a ton of other adjectives.  It's sometimes complex in execution, but not always in taste (the flavours melding and complementing each other).  It gives me a chance to work in uncharted territory, perfect my techniques in cooking and improve my product (I'm still mastering Tarte au Citron; next will be Round 3.  Lemon tart: 2, Jody: 0).  And I have to do it ALL ON MY OWN.  I haven't been asking for help; which isn't to say I don't need it - I'd just rather try to teach myself first.  I've often excelled or become comfortable with things because of being self-taught (the by-product of being an only child, I often think) and this is no different.

I'm anxious (in a good way) that it seems I'm slowly entering the culinary world.  I'm trepidatious (my last career start failed) so I'm going in baby steps.  Might be the best way anyways, right?

Baking today for dinner with friends tonight.  I'm convinced I'll need a nap before I go out; I'm still recovering from the weekend.  Zzzzzz...

Quotes

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
~ Rumi

Interview..

Today at 4pm I have a second interview where I interviewed before.  Different (and much more suited) position.  It's for a baker.  I have to bring a baking sample.. and I've planned my Raspberry Almond Clafoutis.  I thought about bringing two samples, but the second one I had in mind was too risky (for various reasons).  I'm staking all on the Clafoutis.  Pray for me.  Did I also mention it's at the hottest time of the day?  And I have to walk there?  Yeah, awesome.  /sarcasm

Wanna hear something else great?  And when I say great, I mean fantabulous???  I was speaking with a culinary friend last night to help prep for my interview today and she might be able to get me in to a very high-end Italian restaurant downtown (I'm also downtown).  I'm stoked.  I can't even tell you.  It would be very part-time, but at this point I don't care.  This is what I wanted (okay, I might have wanted more French, but I'll definitely take what I can get).  So I'm anxious to hear about that.  Cross your fingers!!

Boys are... boys.

Not much else to report here.  I've got the A/C on and it's supposed to get up to a humidex of 40C (100F) or above today.  Not cool.  Ha.. pardon the pun.

Oh.. Babu hasn't been himself the past couple days.  Not sure why.  Has me slightly worried, so I'm keeping an eye on him.  I thought the A/C being on would help him a lot, but.. something's still amiss.  Maybe talk of another possible cat had him out of sorts? (See Facebook posts)

Well, it's Wednesday; hope y'all are having a great week.  Stay cool please; indoors if you can.