"When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse"
Coldplay's, Fix You has been running through my mind lately. I'm not a big Coldplay fan, but this is a quiet, melancholic sort of song that's nice to listen to with a few poignant words. Give it a quick listen if you haven't heard it yet. I've been trying my hardest to organize my thoughts for this post (it's been brewing for a few days), but I'm having tremendous difficulty. Or at least, to make it make sense for you. Or sane. Take your pick of words.
I have this desire to... how can I say... say a lot of everything that's on my mind to men. And I mean, not *everything*, but most things. Especially when things don't work out; I feel the need to offer my opinion, rather it's wanted or not. I'm not sure what the rational is behind it. I want to be 'heard'. I'm sure it stems from the desire to control things beyond my control. I think I secretly figure that if I offer enough opinion, it'll make sense, he'll see things my way, everything will fall into place.. and everyone's happy. Or perhaps if I talk enough I'll be convincing and they'll *see* the logic (I'm saying this with a straight face, though you may not be seeing it like that.. heh).
Not so easy, my friend.
"And the tears come streaming down your face
when you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?"
When it didn't work out with this last guy, I was a tiny bit hurt (he threw around a lot of big words and phrases around, including the 'L' word) and a LOT confused & a bit frustrated - when he came back to say indeed we wouldn't be starting a union. It's funny (in a non ha-ha sort of way) that yes I saw myself with this person, but not right away (this was in the past). I saw them as slowly coming into their own, slowly slipping into that notch of maturity or growing up (and I don't mean this in a derogatory sense; we grow at all age levels) that would make them more.. complete, more whole, more... who they really are. I thought this was the time, but apparently not. They've gone back to minimal communication, cause that seems to be what's easier for guys to do.
"And high up above or down below
when you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
just what you're worth"
So I've had to discern again if I should change my vocation (to religious life). I've looked into it before, but it kind of came to a dead stop. According to my prayer time yesterday, that's not the path for me. So.. what now? What is my purpose? I want a husband, but does God want me to have one? I try and do "my part" and make effort to get one, but Free Will comes in and says, "Ha! Not yet!" That blasted Free Will. *shakes fist in air*
"And lights will guide you home"
I can't. I hope too much (the sign of an endless romantic). So I fear I shall wind up a lonely, old spinster. With lots of cats. The crazy old spinster cat lady.
I was writing a friend and I came up with an analogy. I think it's pretty bad-ass. I sent them this (with minor tweaking)...
"I don't think you're less 'whole' now or more 'broken'. Heartaches, life's obstacles & challenges create a more fully characteristic person. I mean, I sort of relate it to an old hardwood floor. At first it's strong, it carries the weight no problem. Then it gets stepped on, worn, battered, abused... but it still carries everything. The more it ages, the more it knows where its weak spots are, and its strong spots; it makes compensations, balances and adjustments how to carry that weight.
Going through these situations hasn't made you weaker - it's made you stronger"
And that's all I have to say for today.