Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Let's Turn It Around, Shall We?

Right, so, I'm an ass (and feeling a little sheepish).  I looked back at the reminder I'd kept for myself... and my memo wasn't on "fixing" people, it was on "helping" people.  I think perhaps I'd fixated on Coldplay's "Fix You" too much with one thought and the rest took a spin-off from there (and perhaps a slight case of PMS).  Whoops.  Having said that, I got to see how some of my own thinking is flawed and its foundation/motivation.  Anyways, let me explain....

My questionable theory was to help people evolve.  Yes, my opinion of them evolving into a better person is a) subjective and b) insignificant.  Again, why point out something to someone who may not want to receive said suggestions (or for that fact, might not be 'ready' to hear what I have to say)?  When I got upset at myself for my increasing need to judge/control people, in my heart & gut I knew it was because I wasn't living Christ-like.  Where do I get off trying to presume I know the intention of one's life path better than God?  I don't lead a stellar life all of the time and I sure as hell know some of my actions are less than holy, but as far as my values and convictions about how people should be treated - I try to keep as close to God as humanly possible.  When I saw I wasn't, I felt like I wasn't the only person I let down.  So my goal isn't to 'fix people', but to also make them more Christ-like*.  I have good intention, but the execution was a little flawed.

So when I see something in someone that strikes me as not (i.e) treating people well or with proper respect, I get a little twitchy and want to talk to them about *how* they're treating (for example) me and well, really, I want to point out their flaws (not so Christ-like) and to help smooth out the rough edges so if not me, the next person can benefit (more Christ-like?).  But how can I do this and not appear (or be, for that fact) judgmental?

Something else that kind of ties in with all of this that's really been irking me for a long time (and I mean, years).  It's a side tangent (read: vent) that's kind of related and I am a little angry about, so bear with me.  I'm tired of my friends (it's not all of you, just there have been people in the past/present) thinking they can dictate my life, who I should be with or not be with.  I've heard people come right out and say, "He's not worthy."  Who the hell do you think you are deciding who's worthy for *me*??  Don't put YOUR past and YOUR hangups on men on ME.  Unfortunately (fortunately?) I've been graced with the gift of having infinite amounts of patience for people and seeing *their* side of things (and seeing the good in them as well, when on the outside it seems not so good).  This is MY gift.  You don't have to like it, you don't have to understand it, but by God I need you to respect it (or at least me for having that ideology).  It seriously pisses me off and I don't have the patience for it, so you can understand why I'm upset with myself for pulling the same behaviour and becoming critical of others.**

Also, when I say I'm not being treated 'properly' (for lack of better summarization), in hindsight (and honesty) I need to express that it's just because I'm not getting what I want (really... acting like a 6-year old & throwing a tantrum).  The person(s) I speak of has never disrespected me (or if it's happened, it's been rare and forgivable for the most part).   I want to blatantly point out to said person(s) that if they just saw... /this/... they would understand, turn around and life would be magically happy and perfect again.  Wishing too much?  Right.

My patience is running thin, I'm having a lot of lack of faith for His plan and I'm just frustrated to all hell.  *I* know what I want, why can't He just give it to me? :P (joking, if you've missed the sarcasm.)  Damn, there's that Free Will guy again, I see him lurking around the corner.

Wow.  So... this whole.. admitting my faults publicly has made me quite humble and feeling accountable for my actions (at this point, I question why I write anything here).  I kind of want to bury myself in a hole for a while and not come out for a couple months until I smooth everything out .  Hopefully if you see me you'll be gentle and loving anyways while I try to piece and form myself back together again.



* To my Atheist friends: try not to have a knee-jerk reaction (if you have) with a dose of 'how dare you?'  I mean well and you can re-word/re-interpret as you see fit; understand what I have to say is that I just want to help one become better, more whole etc, as the universe uses me as a prop in your life to aid you in whatever life lesson you need to learn.
** This paragraph comes with so many other thoughts; mostly it's understood one's friend being critical comes from a place  of love and care - concern for wanting to see the best for the person we love.  It all comes from a good place, but can sound critical and superior.  Also, I understand my patience can be interpreted as losing interpretation of what's best for me, what I deserve, what my self-worth is and what I'll tolerate from certain individuals.  This is something I continue to learn and struggle with.

2 comments:

mzmarbles said...

As one of your Atheist friends, I'm trying really hard not to have a knee-jerk reaction about the "be christ-like" wording. I think it's important to tell people who are being insensitive jerks that they're being insensitive jerks. By all means. I may have to think on that some more.

In the mean time, in response to your urge to fix things and change people, I offer you this XKCD comic (http://xkcd.com/386/) in which the lesson learned is that yes people are wrong/awful/bad/stoopid or in your case unchristian. But if you spend all your time trying to fix it, you'll never get any sleep.

Perovskia said...

Thank you for trying not to have a knee-jerk reaction to my wording. I realized I can't sacrifice who I am and what I want to convey, just because some people may not necessarily agree with it. Though I am sensitive to the fact that some may not and thus, try to keep it minimal.

Like I said, just re-word things in your head :) For this instance, what I'm trying to convey is to contribute to someone with a motivation of love, not negativity/criticism.

Haha.. yeah, that made me for real LOL.

Hmm.. I can see how some of my post was interpreted. You've given me something to think about; will post when thoughts have formed more.

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