Friday, August 12, 2011

Fix You, Pt. II

So, I didn't entirely finish my thoughts in my last post.  I'd started, but it got too long and well, forgot.  There was a reason I was writing all that; more to expand on.

Is it our job to fix people?  "Fix people".. it's kind of a loaded phrase, isn't it?  How many meanings does it have?  Is it insulting?  Maybe it isn't articulate.  Let me explain my thoughts.  When I mentioned the last guy, I kinda said I wanted to vocalize things.  Well, I want to vocalize a lot to people anyways, but especially to him.  How perhaps I thought his thinking or rational was flawed (who am I to judge? Well, I did it anyways) and wanting to say things to turn everything around to.. make more sense (listen to me, I sound so ridiculous right now).

Wait.. let's just take a moment.  I mean, I've had these thoughts in my head, but now I'm almost hearing them from an outside point of view.  Change thoughts?  Flawed thinking?  Judge people?  Make things "make more sense"?  Who the hell do I think I am???  Wow.  I think I just got a dose/reason to STFU.  I think I'll carry on with my post, though.  If not for embarrassment, then at least self-therapy.  Humour me.  (Just like, don't send me hate mail. kthanks).

You know what.. I'm having a hard time right now.  I've tried writing an entire new paragraph, but.... I can't.  I can't think of a single example to express how I'm feeling/what I'm thinking without sounding *incredibly* a) judgmental  b) harsh or c) insensitive.  Who am I to say what a person does, is or isn't right?  Sure, we all form opinions.  We all get mad at times when someone doesn't do something we like (or the way we like).  I pride myself often on rolling with the punches, being adaptable or very understandable/empathetic to ones situation, but then I'm just as quick to want to tell someone when they're (i.e) not treating me as I'd like, or responding to something I've said or done not to my liking/desire.  When they don't act "accordingly" (for lack of better words), I feel a strong desire to vocalize "what" they're doing wrong.  How is that my job?!  How do I see that it's my position to change someone that might not want to change, or be told how they appear, or have pointed out their "faults" as I see fit?

I'm... speechless.

If they are doing something that bothers me, I need to take a look at what that act is that bothers me and why it's striking a chord.  Why is it upsetting?  Why do I (AGAIN) feel the need to control?

Sigh.  I assure you, I don't have a lot of control issues.  Okay, maybe I do (I can see my friends shaking their heads already - I'll save you the effort).  I mean, I'm not fanatic about it.  Okay maybe I can be at times.  Gah!  I don't understand where this comes from!

My childhood consisted of events out of my control: parental divorce, parental abuse, family-member abuse/violations, being told I couldn't do something (I mean in the context to aspire to be something), acquiring siblings I may not have wanted (but love all the same, don't get me wrong).  Am I really trying to over-compensate?  Right now I have issues beyond my control (an ex that won't come home from a job overseas, another local boy who says he doesn't want to be with me when I'm sure deep down parts of him does, how I'm treated at my job by lackadaisical and political management).  I know, these matters are no big deal and you can play your violin, but they're in my world and are predominant to me.  This is my reality.

I really don't know what to say right now and think I need to take a time out.  If you're my friend, hopefully you don't hate me and if you don't know me, hopefully you'll keep reading anyways.  I guess we discover (read: come to terms with) ugly truths about ourselves at some point or another.  I guess I'm pretty surprised because I realize how predominant these qualities are within myself.  They have been acceptable by those around me because this is "who I am", but who says I can't change who I am for the better?

Or at least try.


hydra said...

It's funny how, at different stages in one's life, one goes through an analytical phase as if in preparation for the next growth period, the next rung up the ladder of self-development. Some people would say it's a mid-life crisis but we all have more than one, and I view it as... well, as growth and development and a new way of seeing one's life and all one's acquaintances, and putting them into a new perspective.

Perovskia said...

Yeah, I know what you're talking about. These.. instances.. are poignant, but seldom. Something's changing. This one so much isn't seeing others differently, but myself. Needed, perhaps, but not too pleasant!

Copyright Text