A Quiet Christmas

Well, the plague 'o death slightly lessens as I attempt to feel human.  Or at least, dress and try to disinfect this place so it doesn't linger any longer than necessary.  Still very tired, but don't want to over-sleep or I won't sleep at night.  Will nap before attempting Midnight Mass tonight.

So.. let's back up to the consulate visit last week.  It went very well!  And.. quite easy.  I didn't have to ask a single question; she intuitively knew I wanted to know if I was still a Dutch national.  And set my pants on fire... I am!  BUT.. I have to do paperwork to keep it.  Before Mar. 27/2013, cause that's when they change their laws.  Again (I've never met a country so finicky).  Did I mention in the 3 months some of that paperwork takes 2 months?  I stressed out just a little with that.  I've already started some paperwork, so we'll see what happens.  If this is the case, it would make a WHOLE lot of things easier.  So.. let's think positive :)

Christmas.  Bah.  It hasn't been a very joyous one for me this year.  Away from W., not being at the church (sick) and let alone can't sing (per said sickness).  It feels very lacking.  I asked my family if we could get together since this would be my last Christmas here, but they failed at that.  We aren't getting together until New Years, if even then.  That's not Christmas.  It's New Years.  Fail.  So, a friend and work colleague invited me to help her in the kitchen with her family Christmas, but it all depends how I'm feeling.  It wouldn't be fair to go like this, infect everyone and not have the energy to socialize.  So, I don't know.  But I really don't want to spend it alone.

I've felt really bad for not sending out Christmas cards, but as I look at my Christmas card holder I only have 3 on it (when it's usually full and brimming over), so I see I'm not the only one feeling busy or overwhelmed this time of year.  I wonder what it is.  That makes it universal, I mean.

I had 3 cats in my apartment today.  My neighbours across the hall are away and I'm looking after the boys. I felt so bad for not spending time with them (being sick, staying in) that I brought them over.  It's not their first time over, but it's their first extended stay.  It went well!  Everyone got along and they hung out.  It was fun.

Well, I think I've run out of things to talk about.  I hope everyone's Christmas plans are going well and you're spending the holidays with those you love.  Merry Christmas to your and yours.. and keep it a safe one :) xoxo

P.S - I can't close out, of course, without attaching the Hallelujah chorus, which I WILL be singing tonight.  Deathbed or no deathbed.  Oh.. good 'ol Andre Rieu..

Blessings.

Ugh..

I have the plague.  Please pray for me.  I might not make it.

#woeisme
#whatdidIdotodeservethis
#ohyeah,workinahospitalwith200sickpeople
#FML

Eek!

I have my appointment with the Dutch consulate in Toronto tomorrow morning.  Please pray for me!  Send good luck wishes.. whatever ya got!  I'm a bit anxious, although prepared; all my questions are written down in my book and will bring legal documentation.

Wow.  That much closer......

Vent #2

As read on the Huffington Post front (online) page: "Very remote.. one of the goths."  I believe they were quoting someone, but the fact is they posted that statement to appear on their front page.

Okay, now it's personal.  

One of the goths?!  Listen, I'll be the FIRST to tell you goths have been some of the nicest and sweetest people I've known.  Having been one, I was immersed in this circle and have created some fantastic, positive memories with them.  Don't stereotype.  

*sigh*  They are trying to figure out a motive.  They are trying to "understand him" to find a reason for erratic behaviour.  No one will ever understand.  No one will get in his head.  No one can ask him to confess what was troubling him.  Yeah, he probably was a genius!  Cause it's the genius fucking kids that are put under so much pressure to perform, you almost can't blame them for cracking.  

Dammit.  

Conneticut

Warning: Possible expletives NOT deleted..

*sigh*

I hate having to voice an opinion about this.  I hate that this even happened that I have to feel so passionate to voice an opinion about something so evil.  Opinion won't be accepted by everyone, all depends what your views are, y'know?  Take what I say with a grain of salt.

First, please don't believe everything you read in the news.  I learned this years ago being the partner of someone in the military.  That's the #1 golden rule.  The news makes everything seem so concrete - but they're only reporting for their angle and with the information they've been given.  Much can be taken out of context.  And you don't know the context because *you weren't there*.  So please, be cautious.

Which leads me into..Second, please be careful what you hear/read/believe about mental illness.  Already being coined with mental illness, personality disorder, autistic, it's situations like this that give a negative stigma to real but (usually) passive disorders.  I'm no expert but I don't know a single autistic (granted, I don't know many) who wants to go around killing people.  No.  There was something else there going on.  I have a good friend who deals with these personalities on a daily basis and she'll be the first to back me up.  Please remember there's more going on behind the scenes than we know.  Mentally ill?  Perhaps.  Didn't feel enough love from those immediately around him to express the anger, hurt, rage that was bothering him?  I'm sure that's guaranteed.  They say he was an honour student.  I'm going to guess he knew what he was doing. He took himself out because he knew if he didn't he'd be spending a lifetime in prison.  I'm not sure which hell is better.  Or worse.

Third, I can't identify as a parent, but it still pulls at my heart.  Kids.  KIDS.  *sigh*  Fucking hell.

Last.. and the positive.. Yes, hug your kids tighter.  Yes, love and appreciate those who surround you.  But remember..*you are alive*  Rather you or those kids, your time will go when you're meant to go.  Give thanks and gratitude for the life you have and that you're able to give it to begin with.  Filter what you read.  Don't put anymore sadness or negativity of the news in your head or household than you need to.  Enjoy the day.  Really enjoy it.

Christian?  Pray for his soul.  Pray our Lord hears his cries and comforts him on the rest of his very painful journey.
Not?  Be thankful that whatever misery he found himself in, he's now out of and isn't a threat anymore.  Keep the victims in mind and heart and surround them with light and love.
Go do a Random Act of Kindness.

/soapbox

Now go out and love!!  :)

Quotes

"What greater thing is there for two human souls than to feel that they are joined... to strengthen each other... to be at one with each other in silent unspeakable memories."
~ George Eliot 

Jazz Legend

Today Dave Brubeck passed away.  I blogged before about seeing his son, Matt Brubeck, play at the Jazz Festival here; he does take after his father.
RIP, Dave.  Thanks for the music and inspiration.

"You can't understand American without understanding jazz.  And you can't understand jazz without understanding Dave Brubeck."
~ President Barack Obama, in honour of Dave Brubeck in 2009

Catch Up..

Yup.  Late.  Again.  Sorry 'bout that.
You see, I *want* to blog, but my time management lately has been a bit poor as, of course you know, part of my day is spent on Skype with my love (which is going fantastic, btw.  Can I tell you how ridiculously in love I am?).  And one of these days I'll stop apologizing for not writing, assuming that you'll get used to the fact and forgive me anyways.

So, let me go a bit backwards and catch you up on what I last wrote about....

We had gramma's service; it was typical services (I guess?).  Scripture reading, memories, life timelines and events.  I even learned a couple things about my gram that day (well, her and grandpa both).  And it was nice to visit after with family and socialize a bit.  I got to see relatives I haven't seen in years (that I used to be close to; cousins, etc).  I got to tell one of my uncles (gram's brother) that I'm moving overseas.  This conversation was interesting; I felt compelled to tell a man I haven't been close to at all that I was moving back "home".  I felt he had to know this.  I don't know why.  I haven't been close to that side of the family; not by choice, but by geography, difficulty of visits, etc.  I've always missed them, though.  Like a strange void that has constantly wanted to be filled.  The memories of my visits with them when I was a child are still vibrant in my head.  I've clung onto them.  They were the most... stress-free, family-filled, feeling-whole times of my childhood (I think I just realized why I've clung onto them).  They were times I.. got to be a kid.  So perhaps my need to tell my uncle a significant life moment is my attempt to tie myself to that side of the family more.
Twelve of us went out for a family dinner after.  That was nice, too.  Casual, nothing fancy.
I received a couple items from my aunt that evening that were my gram's; a Dutch bible (even more reason to learn the language), a teacup and saucer (that so reminds me of having tea with them when I was younger) and a couple of silver spoons (one with pretty scroll work with the letter 'E' for grandpa's name, and one with a Dutch.. monument/important land build of sorts).  You can tell they've been well used for said tea in teacup :)  I'm already thinking how to pack the china when I go, as I'll take it with me.

Baking has been next to non-existent.  Bleh.  I have no excuse for this.  I have no reason to bake, really, hence the no baking.  I should be experimenting with recipes.. but.. I'm not.  I do have one Christmas order to do that I should be working on and pricing.  /procrastinating

Oh, the aforementioned conversation with my parents about W. went really well.  They were supportive.  They listened.  They offered opinion.

The language.  Oh, the language.  *sigh*  I'm struggling.  Have I mentioned this?  I don't remember.  I am, to be fair, making it more difficult than it is.  I'm not sure why.  'Cause so much is at stake, I think.  Learning past languages has been fun because I've wanted to learn them out of curiosity and enjoyment.  This I have to learn not just out of curiosity and enjoyment, but necessity.  So.. I'm fighting it.  And it's ridiculous, because I know it's all in my head.  I know.  I've read or heard that other people struggle with it, so I think I have to struggle with it.  This is crap, because I know I'm intelligent enough to absorb the language.  There are times I find myself relaxing about it and it goes a bit more with ease, but those moments are still too far and few between.  If you have any experience learning a new language, I'd love to hear your stories.

Also, I just unpacked today (even though it arrived a few days ago) a parcel I bought online for Black Friday sales; luggage.  I just unpacked it out of the box; almost as if I've created certain processing times for it in my head.  It's sitting out all pretty and red in my living room.
Luggage.
For Europe.

Yeah....