Breakdown

The past week has been full of emotion; ties with the past, dealing with possibilities of the future.  Every single emotion has been unexpected.  I'm having a hard time getting over it because I'm usually on top of things, in tune with myself etc and know if something's brewin'.  Not this week.

Tonight when I went into work I came into an email (well, a hundred emails, which was also overwhelming, but I digress).  It was my immediate supervisor requesting information of why certain activities/duties etc. haven't been done on some of my shifts.  There was a pretty little list.

As a preface, keep in mind I'm walking into this email after not being at work for 4 days (not my choice, just scheduling).  On a side tangent, also keep in mind I've just recently noticed that I'm not in love with my job as much as I used to be; I'm not challenged anymore, I don't feel I'm doing God's work as much as I used to, I don't get to connect with the patients anymore because I'm moving around from floor to floor so much, and moving floor to floor there are SO many changes you have to keep straight in your head. Anyways, I'm starting to rant and I didn't want to do that, as much.

So I see this email and this list and I get pissed off.  It's not something you generally want to walk into at the beginning of your shift.  I start the shift, get into dinner service, etc.  I touch base with the supervisor I was supposed to chat with after dinner and we sit down to talk.  I've shut-down at this point and she can tell.  I answer her questions briefly and keep my answers to a minimum.  Until she keeps prodding for this one answer.  I lost it.  I fucking lost it.  There go the tears and I said, "I'm done".  Well that's just lovely.  Because what I enjoy doing most is sitting in front of my fucking supervisor, looking like I can't handle the fucking job (actually what I saw in her was panic that I was leaving and she struggled to see if there was anything she could do to prevent such).  So I'm really disappointed in myself (I can't even express how much).  I've let my management down with this stupid piddly list, I'm giving reason for my co-workers to tattle on me (which is another one of my beefs, but I won't get into that) and I'm not keeping up with the quality of work I require of myself on the job (and I've noticed this for some time now).  That one's been the biggest disappointment.  So you know what, maybe I did deserve to get in shit for that stuff.  Who knows.  It's woken me up and I realize the universe is confirming within me the change I've been curious about.

So what next?  I don't know.  I really just needed to talk it out.  I've got a lot of shit going on in my head and I need to sort it all out and decide what to do next.  Sorry for boring you, but thanks for letting me confide.