It's been a good day so far, albeit feeling a little tired; I went to bed a little late and had to have the alarm wake me up (0630) but otherwise it's been productive.
I've been stirring with thoughts in my head the past few days about personal relationships. I've blogged about this before; how do we explain who we're drawn or attracted to? It's a mystery that still baffles me. We can't control who we love. What's even more frustrating, is that we can't control who we feel drawn to.. because that reason is usually unknown.. and remains unknown.. and that's what's so frustrating about it! I swear, I want to hang myself each time for every person I have an unknown sense of being drawn to (don't worry, there's only a couple. Well, when I say a couple I mean 4.. or 5.. or so)! But, we have to accept these people are (or were) in our lives for a reason. Some people can walk away and just accept that basic fact. I can't. I need more than that. Which doesn't help matters because it doesn't make the answers any more prolific. Did they stir something in us? Were they here to teach us a lesson? Were we meant to feel inspired from them? Are we encouraged to talk more with this person and remain open to why they're in our lives? What have they or will they change in us and our behaviours? (look at how they're affecting you.) Are they just here to stir something inside us and wake a dormant beast and drive us crazy with questions of the unknown?? Lord knows I'm convinced this last question is the 'answer'. Or.. does that feeling of the unknown scare us? Why? What are we searching for? Why can't we be content not knowing the answer? Why are we so anxious to feel a rush to search for answers? Why can't we sit back and rest our faith in the divine universe to show us what we need to know... *when* we need to know it? Humans are silly, silly creatures.
There are, like I said, a few people I'm drawn to or feel connected to. And understand when I say drawn, I mean there's this invisible "pull" that makes me feel that I need to be close with them, get to know them, and perhaps be intimate with them (this was a common misconception with me as they were usually always men, but I learned to read later this wasn't always the case/solution). There's a friend's brother, a past lover, an old friend, etc etc. Yes, if you were observant, all male. Why this is, I have no idea, but I'm not going to dive into that question now or we'll be here all day. I still have ties to these people in some way, shape or form for whatever various reason. I *can't* let them go (read: I don't want to). Some are new and I'm slowing taking the time to discover why I might feel connected to them. Some are old and well, old habits die hard. That's been one of my faults, you know, letting go of people when I'm supposed to. I usually hang onto them well past the (relationship) prime. I have my own reasons for that. I'm getting very good though, at deciphering how long I need to hang onto someone, why and what my connection to them is (platonic or otherwise) and when to walk away (even if I don't want to). Don't think I don't thank God every day I am able to visibly see some of the connections with people/friends I do have; for this I am fortunate and thankful and I cherish these people.
I came across a quote today. I was going to clean it up (and did for Facebook) but... I love Kevin Smith too much to. So, in true Kevin Smith fashion, "As human beings, we govern our actions with our deepest fears. But if you name that shit, you claim that shit: let enough people into your closet and you'll find there's no more room for skeletons. Leave yourself nowhere to hide and you can live life unguarded." I'm gonna let that sit with you for a bit.
Have other things to write about, but will do in a separate post.