Saturday, May 28, 2011

Thoughts That Come Too Late At Night For My Own Good

It's days when I post like this that I wish you didn't know who I was.  I wish I was a secret.  I wish I was a needle in a haystack.  I wish I could post more anonymously.  Part of me writes to expose myself, part of me writes to get things off my chest.  All contradictions.

I feel sick.  You know.. not quite nauseous, but, like you've eaten something you shouldn't have and you just need to get it out.

Except it's not food that is up-heaving my insides.

I stood in the bathroom leaning against the sink, staring in the mirror literally just wanting to expel everything from the inside.  I want to throw it up, cry it out, whatever it takes.  Not food, but emotions.  My whole inner being.  My soul.  I didn't like what I was looking at in the mirror; I'm afraid I've manifested my worst fears, the path I didn't want to go down again.  Except I don't know how to stop.  I knew I was being tested in some cases, but didn't know how to say no (when the inner voice in my head is screaming, "NO!").  I heard it on the inside, but couldn't bring a voice to it.  I hung my head in a manner I only do at Mass when I (mentally) bow before our Lord, giving myself not-so-completely (though I try) and gave full reverence (almost permission) for me to allow myself to be this person right now, to give in to it.  I know that doesn't make any sense.

In an almost-overnight fashion (I'm actually being quite literal; I wish I was joking) I've started seeing 3 guys.  Well, one was on the go, the other two just started to tag along for the fun of it, I guess.  I didn't ask for this.  I was done with all this complicated shit in my life.  It seems whatever business we had before isn't finished (or is it?).  But they seem to only have one purpose.  One desire.  At least, that's what's easiest for them.  'Cause heaven forbid we talk about feelings.

I have many 'desires', but not one that rules me (like that).  Yet I've allowed their behaviour.  I'm disappointed in myself..and even though I know I can back out at any time, I'm not.  I'm not strong enough to say no.  I'm not strong enough right now to say "Yeah, I'm lonely, but I deserve a helluva lot more than that".  I'm just not.  And it makes me want to cry.

There's only one man of the three I want, and he's not local, so that's not meant to be right now.  It was a fuck of a lot easier to deal with without these other two showin' up.  Now it's just torture.

A pattern will keep happening until you break it and try something different.  Patterns can sometimes cause a sense or feeling of being uncomfortable, sad, frustrated regardless of how used to them we are.  In a sadistic way, the 'uncomfortable'ness creates a sense of... comfort.  And it's SO hard to break free.  You want it, the possibility is there... but you're just not quite sure how.  You don't see your 'out' (unless you're me and you create one long before you need it.  Sorry, inside joke).

God, I want to rid myself of this psychosomatic.... thing.  This entity I can feel but can't name.  Have you ever felt like you're not you?  There's this random alien that's taken over your body and is doing things out of character for you.  Or perhaps they're in character, but you don't want them to be anymore.

Okay, I've waxed poetic about enough crazy shit today.  I can't take anymore, and I'm sure neither can you.  Please don't hate me.  Don't think I'm crazy.  It's late, I'm tired, probably in some manner hormonal.  I'm sure I'm over-amplifying and over-analyzing; definitely over-questioning.

I seriously need to get some booze in the house and keep things to myself.


mylostmarbles said...

Are you kidding? It's been a long time. Have some fun. Maybe narrow it down to two if you find it hard to schedule them. But be honest with the three of them.

Your polyamorous-by-association, devil's advocate friend.

Perovskia said...

Hehe.. devil's advocate, indeed ;) Thanks babe; I'll keep what you said in mind.

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