I don't usually post this late at night; it's going onto 21:30 and it's pretty much my bed time. I'm up at 05:00 for work and I need all the sleep I can get. But, I've got something on my mind.. so I have to get it out.
I had a good day at work. Sundays are usually nice and quiet. Came home, relaxed, had dinner (leftovers) and popped in a movie. Have you ever seen, "It's Complicated"? Great movie. Funny, endearing. Not a big fan of Alec Baldwin myself, but I tolerate him because I love Meryl Streep (and Steve Martin is great, too). I can somewhat relate the the plot of the movie (and that's all I'll say about that)... but I look at the life Meryl Streep's character has; at 50, she's been divorced for 10 years (not at all applicable to my point, but apparently I'm noting it anyways), has a beautiful house, garden and her own business. I had dreams (15 years ago). I dreamed the house, I dreamed the garden, I dreamed the self-made business (mine was going to be in architecture, for which I studied about 5-6 yrs).
I'm not where I planned to be.
I know, I know, you're going to say, "Well, we hardly ever end up where we want to be"... and you'd be right. I can't argue that. By 30 I didn't have the house, family or career I "planned". When I turned 30 (after, note - not before) I was okay with that. But right now I have nothing. I have no family, I have no business, and I have what you might call a sliver of a career... though I can't even decide *what* I want to do (I know I'm not happy what I'm doing, or at least, where I'm doing it).
Two months ago I got a new dream; I dreamed the restaurant/bakery, I dreamed the new, busy life. I dreamed working with people in a context I was happy with. I dreamed having a purpose. That started to take off, or so I thought, then everything fizzled.
My neighbour stopped by tonight to drop off a couple of baking sheets she borrowed the other night. I told her I was just in the progress of blogging before going to bed. Gave her a quick premise of what my frustration was and she suggested that maybe this might not be the path I want, but it might be what's meant for me right now, and that maybe I'm here to go through whatever it is I'm going through to help someone else I may find in the same position. I said with a sort of callous intent that, "Yup.. it just seems I'm here for other people". I realized I said the right thing with the wrong tone. I quickly reassured her that I was actually okay with that. That if that's my purpose, then I'm happy.
But I'm not happy.
Even if I marry the man I love tomorrow - I would have the family, but not the career. Society has ingrained in me that I have no value unless I'm "making a difference" or have a "401k" or am a big business conglomerate. I disagree with all of those - and I can hear myself disagreeing with all of those, so why do I have a hard time believing myself? I see as much value as having, creating and raising a family as someone who runs a business. We all have our own little niche in the world. So why can't I find mine?
I'm not living authentically. Yet I don't know how to fix it.
The last thing my neighbour said before giving me a hug goodnight? To remember to have compassion for myself. "Easy words," I said. Something I would likewise preach, but have problems taking my own advice.