Cryptic Post Is Cryptic

Small victories are.. victorious.

Going Gluten Free

I have many adventures to write about yesterday's trip to Toronto (if I ever get around to it.  If I don't, the purpose for which I went made it a *very* successful day) but I will do that another time.  Today, is about health stuffs.

The doc put me on antibiotics, a bit to my protest.  Listen, if you know I'm taking these, you know I'm trying anything at this point.  We've almost completely run out of options (well, *I* think that, I know he still has stuff in mind).  These were the antibiotics that are trying to target certain bacteria in the gut that may be causing my problems (more on this later).  Ugh... they've made me so sick.  It's difficult to go anywhere so I've been boarded up in this apartment quite a lot, except for the purposes of work, appointments or (necessary) errands.  And when I do go out, I heavily medicate (wheee! more drugs!  /sarcasm).  I can't decide if I want to stay on them (I'm about half way done its course).  I keep telling myself 'short-term suffering for long-term gain' but I don't even know if they'll work!  Have I subjected my body to vulnerability without just cause?  Am I curing with medication when I've believed things can be cured through food/diet or lifestyle?  I just don't know.  Then he said it again (also in our previous visit)....

"You should try a gluten-free elimination diet for 4 weeks."

Last time I pretended not to hear him.  What are you talking about gluten free?  No breads?  Toast?  Pasta?  Cookies? (gasp! cookies!) No French cooking?!?! (how much gluten free French cooking do you know of?)  I think I might just cry at this point.  BEER!?!?  Denial is NOT just a river in Egypt.

So when he said it this time, I was ready to listen.  I still protested, don't get me wrong.  But what I soon realized was whining, was actually panic.  I don't know how to eat WITHOUT eating those things.  No oatmeal in the morning?  No toast as a filler between snacks, or before bed?  No grilled cheese sammiches?!  No relaxing beer on a Friday night at the pub?  Depressing.  But, if I want to feel better, I HAVE to try it.  Remember?  I'm trying anything.

The reason is thus (and I'm probably going to explain this totally wrong, so I apologize in advance); when I eat carbs (and I eat a lot, my friend), my gut can only process so much at a time.  What's leftover, ferments.  The bacteria in there is whoopin' it up, havin' a party (as it was explained to me, "it's like giving a kegger to a frat party").  More carbs?  More keggers.  That's what causes the pain, the sickness.  Your gut says, "Woa, too much!" and finds ways of elimination (I guess the frat boys are on their way home at this point).

So this also brings to suggestion about a fructose sensitivity (for the same fermentation/bacteria problem).  Now, I don't have an 'outright' problem with fruit.  I seem to ingest small enough portions at a time for it not to bother me; which isn't to say it's not a culprit, but I'll be cognizant of it for now.  It sure as hell explains why I can't drink apple cider (one drink of that and the pain, discomfort and sickness that ensues is enough to last me the year).

There's a six-food elimination diet (cow's milk, nuts & tree nuts, soy, shellfish and wheat/gluten - also see here) that's possible (it also seems to tie in with eosinophilic esophogitis which I'd never heard of until now), but he doesn't want me to go to that extreme right away.  Right now he just wants me to eliminate gluten and dairy.  If I try any first, I'll try the gluten (dairy will be easy, I don't consume THAT much.... or do I?).

So.. I've been spending the last few days mentally preparing.  What day I'll actually choose to give 'er a go?  No idea. Maybe Sept 1.  Which is right around the corner.  And I haven't begun shopping for gluten free foods.  Oh, please shoot me.

Wish me luck!

Quotes

"Just remember, there's a right way and a wrong way to do everything, and the wrong way is to keep trying to make everybody else do it the right way."
~ Col. Potter, M*A*S*H, Television show

Quotes.. One For The Record Books

My friends, love is better than anger.  Hope is better than fear.  Optimism is better than despair.  So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic.  And we'll change the world.
~ Jack Layton, NDP Leader, RIP

I loved this man purely for his steadfast convictions and his ability to relate with people.  With him, what you saw is what you got.  A very, very kind man.

RIP Jack.  I think we can definitely say you made an impact; your shoes will be hard to fill.  God speed.

Another Vent

And can I also say, I hate the advice (should a man message me), "Don't answer him right away."

GAH!

I don't play the waiting game.  Mostly because I have a zero tolerance for bullshit.  If I have something to say, I'll say it.

Having said that, I don't want a man thinking I'm hanging on his every word and I understand the "needing to wait" crap.  But you know what?  JUST ANSWER THE EFFING EMAIL!!!

*huff*

/rant





Yes there's a reason for this post.  No I'm not going to tell you what it is.

A Bit of Scripture...

For the Faithful.  Others may want to carry-on....

I have an app on my phone that gives me a reading every morning (I *try* to remember to meditate on said reading through the day, but I have to be honest that I usually forget).  Usually quite brief, contains a couple of verses.  A sentence or two.  Due to my lack of trust in The Plan, it seems He thought it was necessary to send me this.  A cruel, cruel joke.  I know He's saying, "I'm not ignoring you and I KNOW you're going to think this fits, 'cause that's how you roll, so you have to listen to Me because I haven't forgotten about you."

Romans 5:3-5

"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

A More Common Sense Approach

I'm mainly tagging this article for Bix, but Michelle & Life Resident, you might be interested in it, too (purely for being in the health-care field).

This article, "Beyond BMI" is on how one group of people don't believe the BMI is the most accurate scale of one's health.  They've developed a new 'scale' or system in gauging one's weight vs. mortality/future health problems that seems more common sense to me.  I never believed in the BMI scale, only because yes, I've always been overweight, but until now (the past 5 years) I've been incredibly healthy otherwise with larger amounts of muscle mass than most (i.e) my size (I did a LOT of weight training when I was younger).  The BMI doesn't account for muscle mass.  Anyways, give it a read, you may find it interesting.

Let's Turn It Around, Shall We?

Right, so, I'm an ass (and feeling a little sheepish).  I looked back at the reminder I'd kept for myself... and my memo wasn't on "fixing" people, it was on "helping" people.  I think perhaps I'd fixated on Coldplay's "Fix You" too much with one thought and the rest took a spin-off from there (and perhaps a slight case of PMS).  Whoops.  Having said that, I got to see how some of my own thinking is flawed and its foundation/motivation.  Anyways, let me explain....

My questionable theory was to help people evolve.  Yes, my opinion of them evolving into a better person is a) subjective and b) insignificant.  Again, why point out something to someone who may not want to receive said suggestions (or for that fact, might not be 'ready' to hear what I have to say)?  When I got upset at myself for my increasing need to judge/control people, in my heart & gut I knew it was because I wasn't living Christ-like.  Where do I get off trying to presume I know the intention of one's life path better than God?  I don't lead a stellar life all of the time and I sure as hell know some of my actions are less than holy, but as far as my values and convictions about how people should be treated - I try to keep as close to God as humanly possible.  When I saw I wasn't, I felt like I wasn't the only person I let down.  So my goal isn't to 'fix people', but to also make them more Christ-like*.  I have good intention, but the execution was a little flawed.

So when I see something in someone that strikes me as not (i.e) treating people well or with proper respect, I get a little twitchy and want to talk to them about *how* they're treating (for example) me and well, really, I want to point out their flaws (not so Christ-like) and to help smooth out the rough edges so if not me, the next person can benefit (more Christ-like?).  But how can I do this and not appear (or be, for that fact) judgmental?

Something else that kind of ties in with all of this that's really been irking me for a long time (and I mean, years).  It's a side tangent (read: vent) that's kind of related and I am a little angry about, so bear with me.  I'm tired of my friends (it's not all of you, just there have been people in the past/present) thinking they can dictate my life, who I should be with or not be with.  I've heard people come right out and say, "He's not worthy."  Who the hell do you think you are deciding who's worthy for *me*??  Don't put YOUR past and YOUR hangups on men on ME.  Unfortunately (fortunately?) I've been graced with the gift of having infinite amounts of patience for people and seeing *their* side of things (and seeing the good in them as well, when on the outside it seems not so good).  This is MY gift.  You don't have to like it, you don't have to understand it, but by God I need you to respect it (or at least me for having that ideology).  It seriously pisses me off and I don't have the patience for it, so you can understand why I'm upset with myself for pulling the same behaviour and becoming critical of others.**

Also, when I say I'm not being treated 'properly' (for lack of better summarization), in hindsight (and honesty) I need to express that it's just because I'm not getting what I want (really... acting like a 6-year old & throwing a tantrum).  The person(s) I speak of has never disrespected me (or if it's happened, it's been rare and forgivable for the most part).   I want to blatantly point out to said person(s) that if they just saw... /this/... they would understand, turn around and life would be magically happy and perfect again.  Wishing too much?  Right.

My patience is running thin, I'm having a lot of lack of faith for His plan and I'm just frustrated to all hell.  *I* know what I want, why can't He just give it to me? :P (joking, if you've missed the sarcasm.)  Damn, there's that Free Will guy again, I see him lurking around the corner.

Wow.  So... this whole.. admitting my faults publicly has made me quite humble and feeling accountable for my actions (at this point, I question why I write anything here).  I kind of want to bury myself in a hole for a while and not come out for a couple months until I smooth everything out .  Hopefully if you see me you'll be gentle and loving anyways while I try to piece and form myself back together again.



* To my Atheist friends: try not to have a knee-jerk reaction (if you have) with a dose of 'how dare you?'  I mean well and you can re-word/re-interpret as you see fit; understand what I have to say is that I just want to help one become better, more whole etc, as the universe uses me as a prop in your life to aid you in whatever life lesson you need to learn.
** This paragraph comes with so many other thoughts; mostly it's understood one's friend being critical comes from a place  of love and care - concern for wanting to see the best for the person we love.  It all comes from a good place, but can sound critical and superior.  Also, I understand my patience can be interpreted as losing interpretation of what's best for me, what I deserve, what my self-worth is and what I'll tolerate from certain individuals.  This is something I continue to learn and struggle with.

Fix Me

I've got the PGA Tour on today.  Had it on yesterday too and will likely have it on again tomorrow.  I like watching it, but also like having it as background noise.  I find it very calming.  I'm a little sad McIlroy's out (from what I understand), though tendon injuries will do that to ya.  Not sad Tiger's out; he's lost his game and needs to take a break, I think.  Also, keep an eye on Keegan Bradley; slowly turning out to be a sure thing, I think.  This one's a tricky course; lots of sand and water hazards.

I'm a bit down after my previous posts.  Didn't go to Mass tonight; partly tired from work, part didn't feel like it, part a voice telling me I should stay in.  So I stayed in.  Might sit back with a movie, a comforting tea, and God help me if I can find any, some chocolate.

I'd like you to understand (since I've bared my soul ~ why stop there?), that it may appear I'm being overly hard on myself.  Sure.. a bit.  It's important to me, though, which is why it's taking such a tole on my soul.  This was the ONE thing I was proud of myself on, was not judging people.  It's not my job.  I leave all that stuff up to our Maker.  Yeah, I know I can be a control-freak, I just didn't realize how much, or how much I really listen to the little voices inside my head (read: how much they conform/suggest my actions).  However I move forward, I don't want to rush any change; I'd like to be cognizant of my actions.  Anyways, that's all for now.

I'm gonna forget about all this (or try) and pop in a movie, sit back with some munchies and have a quiet night.  Hope your having a great weekend so far!

Fix You, Pt. II

So, I didn't entirely finish my thoughts in my last post.  I'd started, but it got too long and well, forgot.  There was a reason I was writing all that; more to expand on.

Is it our job to fix people?  "Fix people".. it's kind of a loaded phrase, isn't it?  How many meanings does it have?  Is it insulting?  Maybe it isn't articulate.  Let me explain my thoughts.  When I mentioned the last guy, I kinda said I wanted to vocalize things.  Well, I want to vocalize a lot to people anyways, but especially to him.  How perhaps I thought his thinking or rational was flawed (who am I to judge? Well, I did it anyways) and wanting to say things to turn everything around to.. make more sense (listen to me, I sound so ridiculous right now).

Wait.. let's just take a moment.  I mean, I've had these thoughts in my head, but now I'm almost hearing them from an outside point of view.  Change thoughts?  Flawed thinking?  Judge people?  Make things "make more sense"?  Who the hell do I think I am???  Wow.  I think I just got a dose/reason to STFU.  I think I'll carry on with my post, though.  If not for embarrassment, then at least self-therapy.  Humour me.  (Just like, don't send me hate mail. kthanks).

You know what.. I'm having a hard time right now.  I've tried writing an entire new paragraph, but.... I can't.  I can't think of a single example to express how I'm feeling/what I'm thinking without sounding *incredibly* a) judgmental  b) harsh or c) insensitive.  Who am I to say what a person does, is or isn't right?  Sure, we all form opinions.  We all get mad at times when someone doesn't do something we like (or the way we like).  I pride myself often on rolling with the punches, being adaptable or very understandable/empathetic to ones situation, but then I'm just as quick to want to tell someone when they're (i.e) not treating me as I'd like, or responding to something I've said or done not to my liking/desire.  When they don't act "accordingly" (for lack of better words), I feel a strong desire to vocalize "what" they're doing wrong.  How is that my job?!  How do I see that it's my position to change someone that might not want to change, or be told how they appear, or have pointed out their "faults" as I see fit?

I'm... speechless.

If they are doing something that bothers me, I need to take a look at what that act is that bothers me and why it's striking a chord.  Why is it upsetting?  Why do I (AGAIN) feel the need to control?

Sigh.  I assure you, I don't have a lot of control issues.  Okay, maybe I do (I can see my friends shaking their heads already - I'll save you the effort).  I mean, I'm not fanatic about it.  Okay maybe I can be at times.  Gah!  I don't understand where this comes from!

My childhood consisted of events out of my control: parental divorce, parental abuse, family-member abuse/violations, being told I couldn't do something (I mean in the context to aspire to be something), acquiring siblings I may not have wanted (but love all the same, don't get me wrong).  Am I really trying to over-compensate?  Right now I have issues beyond my control (an ex that won't come home from a job overseas, another local boy who says he doesn't want to be with me when I'm sure deep down parts of him does, how I'm treated at my job by lackadaisical and political management).  I know, these matters are no big deal and you can play your violin, but they're in my world and are predominant to me.  This is my reality.

I really don't know what to say right now and think I need to take a time out.  If you're my friend, hopefully you don't hate me and if you don't know me, hopefully you'll keep reading anyways.  I guess we discover (read: come to terms with) ugly truths about ourselves at some point or another.  I guess I'm pretty surprised because I realize how predominant these qualities are within myself.  They have been acceptable by those around me because this is "who I am", but who says I can't change who I am for the better?

Or at least try.

Quotes

As borrowed from a friend online...

If she's amazing, she won't be easy.  If she's easy, she won't be amazing.  If she's worth it, you won't give up.  If you give up, you aren't worthy.
~ Unknown

Fix You (and Self Therapy)

"When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse"

Coldplay's, Fix You has been running through my mind lately.  I'm not a big Coldplay fan, but this is a quiet, melancholic sort of song that's nice to listen to with a few poignant words.  Give it a quick listen if you haven't heard it yet.  I've been trying my hardest to organize my thoughts for this post (it's been brewing for a few days), but I'm having tremendous difficulty.  Or at least, to make it make sense for you.  Or sane.  Take your pick of words.

I have this desire to... how can I say... say a lot of everything that's on my mind to men.  And I mean, not *everything*, but most things.  Especially when things don't work out; I feel the need to offer my opinion, rather it's wanted or not.  I'm not sure what the rational is behind it.  I want to be 'heard'.  I'm sure it stems from the desire to control things beyond my control.  I think I secretly figure that if I offer enough opinion, it'll make sense, he'll see things my way, everything will fall into place.. and everyone's happy.  Or perhaps if I talk enough I'll be convincing and they'll *see* the logic (I'm saying this with a straight face, though you may not be seeing it like that.. heh).

Not so easy, my friend.

"And the tears come streaming down your face
when you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?"

When it didn't work out with this last guy, I was a tiny bit hurt (he threw around a lot of big words and phrases around, including the 'L' word) and a LOT confused & a bit frustrated - when he came back to say indeed we wouldn't be starting a union.  It's funny (in a non ha-ha sort of way) that yes I saw myself with this person, but not right away (this was in the past).  I saw them as slowly coming into their own, slowly slipping into that notch of maturity or growing up (and I don't mean this in a derogatory sense; we grow at all age levels) that would make them more.. complete, more whole, more... who they really are.  I thought this was the time, but apparently not.  They've gone back to minimal communication, cause that seems to be what's easier for guys to do.

"And high up above or down below
when you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
just what you're worth"

So I've had to discern again if I should change my vocation (to religious life).  I've looked into it before, but it kind of came to a dead stop.  According to my prayer time yesterday, that's not the path for me.  So.. what now?  What is my purpose?  I want a husband, but does God want me to have one?  I try and do "my part" and make effort to get one, but Free Will comes in and says, "Ha! Not yet!"  That blasted Free Will.  *shakes fist in air*

Let go.

"And lights will guide you home"

I can't.  I hope too much (the sign of an endless romantic).  So I fear I shall wind up a lonely, old spinster.  With lots of cats.  The crazy old spinster cat lady.

I was writing a friend and I came up with an analogy.  I think it's pretty bad-ass.  I sent them this (with minor tweaking)...

"I don't think you're less 'whole' now or more 'broken'.  Heartaches, life's obstacles & challenges create a more fully characteristic person.  I mean, I sort of relate it to an old hardwood floor.  At first it's strong, it carries the weight no problem.  Then it gets stepped on, worn, battered, abused... but it still carries everything.  The more it ages, the more it knows where its weak spots are, and its strong spots; it makes compensations, balances and adjustments how to carry that weight.

Going through these situations hasn't made you weaker - it's made you stronger"

And that's all I have to say for today.

Quotes

We must eradicate from the soul all fear and terror of what comes to us out of the future.
~ "Better", book by Atul Gawande, surgeon

Article..

Came across this through a friend today, an article on how Antioxidants Don't Work.  Anyone have any thoughts?  Bix?  Life Resident?  Amanda?  Michelle?

Sounds like to me such levels need to be in a fine balance, just like everything else.  But is it that easy?

I Sold My Soul To The Devil

So, I helped a friend out with something this morning, and after we spent time together I asked if we could pop by Wal-mart so I could pick up a belt (much needed).  Wal-mart was close by, and not having a car myself, I didn't want to take her out of her way, y'know?  Now, please know I don't support Wal-mart.  Ever.  Or, I try not to.  At best, if I have to shop there for something, it's a) rare, b) for items I can get at particularly reduced prices (I'm not made of money, yo) or c) I'm sure I shop for name brand items (I don't support Wal-mart for many reasons, but one being they've been called on using sweatshops for creating their own brand items and refuse to do anything about it).  Thus, if I patronize Wal-mart, I support these poor working conditions.  See?

The belt I had to buy, sadly, was a Wal-mart brand belt.  *sigh*  I feel awful, disgusting, violated.  It was something of necessity, so unavoidable.

When I was checking out, I put a few coinage in the Red Cross jar almost in attempt to atone for my sins, but it did no good.  So now I have to keep thinking about some good deed I could do to make up for the crap I just bought.

Damn.

And Life Goes On...

I've had a hard time blogging lately; there's all of these emotions I'd rather keep under lock and key.  So many emotions.  Nonetheless, part of me wants to, so I shall attempt to do so.

I'll start with more recent events; last night we sent A.R off with a bang - a party and 'bon voyagey' (I always hear Bugs Bunny's voice when I say it like that) to celebrate his going to medical school.  It's always nice to be around friends.  With the summer being so busy for everyone, it was nice to re-group, sit around and chat, have a few (a lot) of laughs.  Oh.. and a LOT of food.  Always food.  Yum.  It was a late night for me and only had a few hours sleep, but it was well worth it.

Love's winding road: is winding.  I'm getting too old for this shit.  And that's all I have to say about that.

My vacation time a week and some ago went well.  It was nice to be away from work, but it feels weird to have all this time off.  Went to visit family.  Meh.  It went alright.  Every single time I'm reminded why I moved away from home.  Had visits with old friends, though, and those went great.  I would probably visit more if I had some other place to stay than with my parents.  Just sayin'.

Have a few days off presently, and they've been filled with visits with friends.  My favourite kind of days.  Today I'm FINALLY going to see Harry Potter.  I know, I'm such a slacker.  I usually see it opening night, but not the last two movies.  I can't wait.  I might get the whole popcorn and everything...as they gouge a hole deep in my pocket that I can't afford.

Also.. 'Horrible Bosses'?  Funniest shit you'll ever see.  Might have to buy that one when it comes out.

I don't think I have to catch you up on anything else (worthwhile, anyways).  I'm gonna drag my tired butt off this chair and get some stuff done.  I bought a lot of fruit so I should prepare some of that so it's ready to eat.