Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The Blue Spire

The psyche is a very funny thing. After studying both the brain and the body, I can't decide which is more complex.

My entire world has been turned upside down today. I came across a piece of psychological matter that explained things amidst my life to a 'T'. I knew it, but I didn't *know* it until today. I guess I wasn't ready to hear it. Reading said matter lead to more questions. More questions lead to more introspection. More introspection lead to more realization. Realization lead to world being turned upside down. I have never seen things more clearly than I do now, and it is very painful.

I now have to re-program (at least) the last 10 years of my thoughts/actions/ways/attitudes and so forth. Ten years. That's huge. It's... almost a third of my life. Thinking about all the re-programming I have to do makes me cry still a little (because I know it is such hard work and I take it seriously because it is very important).

When I discovered this psychological matter that I speak of, I cried. I cried *hard*. I couldn't cry hard enough or fast enough to get this 'poison' out of me. It was a release. Afterwards, I was (literally) limp. I couldn't stand straight because everything that I had been about who I am to so many people for so many years.. had left me.

The perovskia has been cut back. There is now an allowance for new growth (I knew I picked this name for a reason) and this new growth will be more prolific than the last. I know it hurts now and I know it's going to take a lot of work (and I still have many more questions). I know I will find strength, I will find new positives to replace the negatives - and when I do.. damn am I going to feel empowered. Until then, I will withdraw, I will ask who J. is and I will develop a new system/thinking/ways/attitudes/*self worth* as to who she is.

So, dear reader, what should I do to commemorate the loss of the old J. to the new? What symbolic gesture should I perform? It can be grand, it can be minute. What have you done to celebrate a change in your life?

P.S Virtual hugs are always welcome, I'm still feelin' kinda low, yo.


CaitieCat said...

*hugs* isn't hard at all. When I came back from Thailand, my friends held a ritual for me to welcome me to women's country. It was really...useful, I think, in defining the boundaries between old and new.

Perovskia said...

*smiles and hugs back*

That's nice, what your friends did. Unusual, but necessary, I think. Our society doesn't have a ritual the ending of a relationship, or the birth of a new self (which is why I'm struggling as to what to do). Definitely good for defining boundaries. Thanks for this.

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