Not So Random

And then there were two...

The Day After

You're still reading?  Wow, you're brave.  It seems they haven't locked me up, after all.

Going through inner change feels like an Olympic event.  I'm in good spirits today though, despite last night's.. catapult into some devoid hole.  Maybe I'll decide to not care and get my rocks off anyways.  Who knows.  But that's the devil playing his hand, isn't it.  So we'll see how that battle goes.

I hope you're having a good weekend so far.  At some point I have more French cooking in mind; I'll be attempting Blackberry Butter Cake.  Yum.  I'm re-arranging my bedroom today.  I realized it's not very "Feng Shui".  Maybe that'll improve things.

Well..whatever your plans are.. try and get out and enjoy the weather at some point (if it ever stops raining).  Do something special for yourself; shop, walk, bake, cook, get out for some gardening, top up that bird feeder, have coffee with a friend, read, or do nothing.  And smile :)

Thoughts That Come Too Late At Night For My Own Good

It's days when I post like this that I wish you didn't know who I was.  I wish I was a secret.  I wish I was a needle in a haystack.  I wish I could post more anonymously.  Part of me writes to expose myself, part of me writes to get things off my chest.  All contradictions.

I feel sick.  You know.. not quite nauseous, but, like you've eaten something you shouldn't have and you just need to get it out.

Except it's not food that is up-heaving my insides.

I stood in the bathroom leaning against the sink, staring in the mirror literally just wanting to expel everything from the inside.  I want to throw it up, cry it out, whatever it takes.  Not food, but emotions.  My whole inner being.  My soul.  I didn't like what I was looking at in the mirror; I'm afraid I've manifested my worst fears, the path I didn't want to go down again.  Except I don't know how to stop.  I knew I was being tested in some cases, but didn't know how to say no (when the inner voice in my head is screaming, "NO!").  I heard it on the inside, but couldn't bring a voice to it.  I hung my head in a manner I only do at Mass when I (mentally) bow before our Lord, giving myself not-so-completely (though I try) and gave full reverence (almost permission) for me to allow myself to be this person right now, to give in to it.  I know that doesn't make any sense.

In an almost-overnight fashion (I'm actually being quite literal; I wish I was joking) I've started seeing 3 guys.  Well, one was on the go, the other two just started to tag along for the fun of it, I guess.  I didn't ask for this.  I was done with all this complicated shit in my life.  It seems whatever business we had before isn't finished (or is it?).  But they seem to only have one purpose.  One desire.  At least, that's what's easiest for them.  'Cause heaven forbid we talk about feelings.

I have many 'desires', but not one that rules me (like that).  Yet I've allowed their behaviour.  I'm disappointed in myself..and even though I know I can back out at any time, I'm not.  I'm not strong enough to say no.  I'm not strong enough right now to say "Yeah, I'm lonely, but I deserve a helluva lot more than that".  I'm just not.  And it makes me want to cry.

There's only one man of the three I want, and he's not local, so that's not meant to be right now.  It was a fuck of a lot easier to deal with without these other two showin' up.  Now it's just torture.

A pattern will keep happening until you break it and try something different.  Patterns can sometimes cause a sense or feeling of being uncomfortable, sad, frustrated regardless of how used to them we are.  In a sadistic way, the 'uncomfortable'ness creates a sense of... comfort.  And it's SO hard to break free.  You want it, the possibility is there... but you're just not quite sure how.  You don't see your 'out' (unless you're me and you create one long before you need it.  Sorry, inside joke).

God, I want to rid myself of this psychosomatic.... thing.  This entity I can feel but can't name.  Have you ever felt like you're not you?  There's this random alien that's taken over your body and is doing things out of character for you.  Or perhaps they're in character, but you don't want them to be anymore.

Okay, I've waxed poetic about enough crazy shit today.  I can't take anymore, and I'm sure neither can you.  Please don't hate me.  Don't think I'm crazy.  It's late, I'm tired, probably in some manner hormonal.  I'm sure I'm over-amplifying and over-analyzing; definitely over-questioning.

I seriously need to get some booze in the house and keep things to myself.

Quotes

I saw this on a friend's status this morning on Facebook (I don't know where you got it, A., but I like it, so I'm swiping it).  It sort of spoke to me this morning.



Life was never meant to be easy, it was only meant to be worth it.
~ A

Attachment, Pt. II

... and sometimes you have to let go of the attachment you had to a particular person.  Or, maybe to just accept it and make peace with it.

Sometimes you have to let go of the anger and bitterness and just say hello.

You might be surprised what you get blessed with.

Attachment

I had my neighbour J., over tonight for dinner; it was sort of an impromptu thing.  We made vegetable and cheese quesadillas with avocado and tomato salsa (OMG - yum).  We sat and had wonderful conversation (as always) over dinner and dessert (homemade organic sourdough currant bread) and tea (chai latte, made from scratch).  She noticed my new dishes and commented on how nice they were.. which somehow veered off to talking about having good dishes and never using them, etc etc.  

We have a tradition in our family that's been used for a few generations that when a girl turns 16, she picks out her good dishes (that she'll use when she's older/married, etc).  Mine is a Royal Doulton set.  She'll get a piece or two at every birthday, Christmas, what-have-you.  I'm not sure how practical this is, and if I have a daughter, I'm not sure I'll continue the tradition.  As it is, my set is discontinued and I don't have all the pieces (most for a 4-piece dinner sitting, but I'm missing a couple).  Anyways, this set stays wrapped up in boxes on top of my cupboards, literally collecting dust.  It's not being used.  J. was saying how she has a few nice dishes that she had but was sick of not using them and brought her bowls out to get some use out of them (and recently broke one, mind you.  "But," she said, "at least it was broke while being used").  I remember my mother had this mixing bowl that had been in the family for *years*.  I had a girlfriend over one day (this was back in highschool) and broke it.  I'm quite sure the hearts of both my mother and I sunk, but we didn't want to make a big deal of it and make my friend feel bad about it (what could you do anyways?) so we carried on.  But my mother and I exchanged looks and I could tell she almost burst into tears.  

Anyways, the point of my ramblings is this... why do we hold attachment to certain things?  We were questioning if they hold us back from moving on.  Maybe we don't want to move on, and that particular item holds us to the past.. a memory, a close connection to a relative.  But the funny thing is, we don't need that material item to keep those memories; they're in our heads, our hearts.  She said I should bring my good dishes out and intertwine them with my everyday dishes.  I looked at her hesitantly, "... but... I can hear my grandmother's voice in the back of my head.. what if I break one, or chip one.. ".  "Then you break one or chip one," she says.  Sigh.  True.. but hard to let go of.  

She said she had a bowling ball once before; custom-made to her and everything.  But she used it a couple times and that's it.  She donated it and was told later that there was this boy who wanted his own ball SO much (and could never afford one) that he almost cried when he got her gently used one.  The point?  Sometimes items we no longer possess can bless someone else's life.  

My mother asked me if I wanted to donate my prom dress to this organization that takes used prom dresses and donates them to girls who can't afford their own.  I didn't want to yet.  Do I feel like an ass for not wanting to let go of that dress yet?  Totally.  Will I ever wear it (or for that fact fit in it)?  No.  Someone else can benefit so much more from having that beautiful black-lace dress.  But.. I want to see it one last time.  Ridiculous, I know.  Don't judge.  I'm just not ready to let go yet.  It ties me to a date and a friend I had really good times with.  People I loved and grew up with, became who I am with.  I don't know why I want to hang onto my teens, they were tumultuous at best; but... it's all emotion, right?

Anyways, I'm rambling tonight.  Sorry.  I hope you get what I'm saying.  Bring out the good dishes.  Use that decorative bowl more.  Wear that fancy scarf that was handed down to you.  If you don't.. consider donating and helping someone else create and associate their own happy memories to it.  

Quotes

Watching the last Oprah show today (I can't believe it's the last one. Did you watch it?).  She said this and I think it's so simple and I (try to, though not always successfully) sort of make it my motto; she summed it up perfectly....

Use your life to serve the world.
~ Oprah

It's A Good Day

It's been a good day so far, albeit feeling a little tired; I went to bed a little late and had to have the alarm wake me up (0630) but otherwise it's been productive.

I've been stirring with thoughts in my head the past few days about personal relationships.  I've blogged about this before; how do we explain who we're drawn or attracted to?  It's a mystery that still baffles me.  We can't control who we love.  What's even more frustrating, is that we can't control who we feel drawn to.. because that reason is usually unknown.. and remains unknown.. and that's what's so frustrating about it!  I swear, I want to hang myself each time for every person I have an unknown sense of being drawn to (don't worry, there's only a couple.  Well, when I say a couple I mean 4.. or 5.. or so)!  But, we have to accept these people are (or were) in our lives for a reason.  Some people can walk away and just accept that basic fact.  I can't.  I need more than that.  Which doesn't help matters because it doesn't make the answers any more prolific.     Did they stir something in us?  Were they here to teach us a lesson?  Were we meant to feel inspired from them?  Are we encouraged to talk more with this person and remain open to why they're in our lives?  What have they or will they change in us and our behaviours?  (look at how they're affecting you.)  Are they just here to stir something inside us and wake a dormant beast and drive us crazy with questions of the unknown??  Lord knows I'm convinced this last question is the 'answer'.  Or.. does that feeling of the unknown scare us?  Why?  What are we searching for?  Why can't we be content not knowing the answer?  Why are we so anxious to feel a rush to search for answers?  Why can't we sit back and rest our faith in the divine universe to show us what we need to know... *when* we need to know it?  Humans are silly, silly creatures.

There are, like I said, a few people I'm drawn to or feel connected to.  And understand when I say drawn, I mean there's this invisible "pull" that makes me feel that I need to be close with them, get to know them, and perhaps be intimate with them (this was a common misconception with me as they were usually always men, but I learned to read later this wasn't always the case/solution).  There's a friend's brother, a past lover, an old friend, etc etc.  Yes, if you were observant, all male.  Why this is, I have no idea, but I'm not going to dive into that question now or we'll be here all day.  I still have ties to these people in some way, shape or form for whatever various reason.  I *can't* let them go (read: I don't want to).  Some are new and I'm slowing taking the time to discover why I might feel connected to them.  Some are old and well, old habits die hard.  That's been one of my faults, you know, letting go of people when I'm supposed to.  I usually hang onto them well past the (relationship) prime.  I have my own reasons for that.  I'm getting very good though, at deciphering how long I need to hang onto someone, why and what my connection to them is (platonic or otherwise) and when to walk away (even if I don't want to).  Don't think I don't thank God every day I am able to visibly see some of the connections with people/friends I do have; for this I am fortunate and thankful and I cherish these people.

I came across a quote today.  I was going to clean it up (and did for Facebook) but... I love Kevin Smith too much to.  So, in true Kevin Smith fashion, "As human beings, we govern our actions with our deepest fears.  But if you name that shit, you claim that shit: let enough people into your closet and you'll find there's no more room for skeletons.  Leave yourself nowhere to hide and you can live life unguarded."  I'm gonna let that sit with you for a bit.

Have other things to write about, but will do in a separate post.

Those Damned Vampires....

It's a great morning to wake up to; it's cool, but not cold (windows are open), it's quiet, slightly overcast (why is that good you ask? Because it's not the rain we've been getting for almost 2 weeks straight).  I dare say the sun is trying to show.  But don't worry, I hear the rain is coming later today :/

I'm looking at my plants in the window and I need new pots.  Some need bigger pots, some need to be separated and need new pots all together.  And I need dirt.  Even to re-pot some of my current ones.

Moving forward.. some info not for the sqeamish......

So.. for the first time yesterday I went to donate blood at the Canadian Blood Services site in town.  It's kind of a funny word, isn't it?  Blooooooooooooood.  Anyways, they were super nice there the minute I walked in the door.  They test your blood when you walk in, to make sure your hemoglobin is high enough (138, thank you. Has to be 125 to pass).  Then you fill out this questionnaire (so random questions, I can't even tell you).  Then you go behind doors with a nurse and they ask you more personal questions (sexually-related) and take your blood pressure, etc.  Then you go out on the nice, comfy chairs and they start to siphon you.  Well, I told the girl she'd have a problem finding a vein (dude, I'm tapped out from all the health stuff I got tested for before) but thank God she's very good at what she does and she found one no problem.  Then she brings out the needle.  I'm like, "What the hell are you going to do with that?!" lol.  It was a 16 gauge needle.  Crazy.  That's what we used on CZ's farm to inject cows.  COWS.  Just sayin'.  (If you're curious, such a large needle is used because they're trying to gather whole blood.  If the needle is too small, it'll break apart the cells and well, it's not exactly what they're looking for.)

So apparently I've got "good blood flow" and it was over before I knew it.  I thought you sat there for a half an hour, but I think I was done in like.. 10-15 min at most?  Had some juice and cookies (quite the selection, I was impressed) and apparently I looked "flush" so they made me lay down with my feet up.  Boy, they were on me like white on rice.  Laid down, feet up, cold cloths on my forehead, neck and arms.  THEN I got dizzy and nauseous.  I didn't like that at all.  That passed in a few minutes and I felt fine.  Sat up and got dizzy again.  Ugh.  Anyways, after a few minutes I was fine and left with my friend to have lunch (that's all I needed was food).  Overall, a very good and positive experience.  Lenten penance completed (albeit a little late. Oops).

So please go out and donate if you can!! They need you!  :)

Pictures

Quotes

The person who must be a leader, must be a bridge.
~ Welsh Proverb

Movie Life?

I don't usually post this late at night; it's going onto 21:30 and it's pretty much my bed time.  I'm up at 05:00 for work and I need all the sleep I can get.  But, I've got something on my mind.. so I have to get it out.

I had a good day at work.  Sundays are usually nice and quiet.  Came home, relaxed, had dinner (leftovers) and popped in a movie.  Have you ever seen, "It's Complicated"?  Great movie.  Funny, endearing.  Not a big fan of Alec Baldwin myself, but I tolerate him because I love Meryl Streep (and Steve Martin is great, too).  I can somewhat relate the the plot of the movie (and that's all I'll say about that)... but I look at the life Meryl Streep's character has; at 50, she's been divorced for 10 years (not at all applicable to my point, but apparently I'm noting it anyways), has a beautiful house, garden and her own business.  I had dreams (15 years ago).  I dreamed the house, I dreamed the garden, I dreamed the self-made business (mine was going to be in architecture, for which I studied about 5-6 yrs).

I'm not where I planned to be.

I know, I know, you're going to say, "Well, we hardly ever end up where we want to be"... and you'd be right.  I can't argue that.  By 30 I didn't have the house, family or career I "planned".  When I turned 30 (after, note - not before) I was okay with that.  But right now I have nothing.  I have no family, I have no business, and I have what you might call a sliver of a career... though I can't even decide *what* I want to do (I know I'm not happy what I'm doing, or at least, where I'm doing it).

Two months ago I got a new dream; I dreamed the restaurant/bakery, I dreamed the new, busy life.  I dreamed working with people in a context I was happy with.  I dreamed having a purpose.  That started to take off, or so I thought, then everything fizzled.

My neighbour stopped by tonight to drop off a couple of baking sheets she borrowed the other night.  I told her I was just in the progress of blogging before going to bed.  Gave her a quick premise of what my frustration was and she suggested that maybe this might not be the path I want, but it might be what's meant for me right now, and that maybe I'm here to go through whatever it is I'm going through to help someone else I may find in the same position.  I said with a sort of callous intent that, "Yup.. it just seems I'm here for other people".  I realized I said the right thing with the wrong tone.  I quickly reassured her that I was actually okay with that.  That if that's my purpose, then I'm happy.

But I'm not happy.

Even if I marry the man I love tomorrow - I would have the family, but not the career.  Society has ingrained in me that I have no value unless I'm "making a difference" or have a "401k" or am a big business conglomerate.  I disagree with all of those - and I can hear myself disagreeing with all of those, so why do I have a hard time believing myself?  I see as much value as having, creating and raising a family as someone who runs a business.  We all have our own little niche in the world.  So why can't I find mine?

I'm not living authentically.  Yet I don't know how to fix it.

The last thing my neighbour said before giving me a hug goodnight?  To remember to have compassion for myself.  "Easy words," I said.  Something I would likewise preach, but have problems taking my own advice.

Have compassion.

Egg Farming Practices - News

Just ran across this article so wanted to post it while it's fresh..

If anyone has an interest about your eggs, where they come from, how the chickens are contained/treated, animal welfare, etc.. then read this article on Poultry Welfare, now instituted by the Egg Farmers of Canada.

Quotes (I Need To Remember This)

I have learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances.
~Martha Washington (First Lady of the United States, 18th Century)

A Good Day

I woke up this morning with VERY little energy.  In fact, I still wanted to sleep another couple hours.  I dragged my ass the majority of the morning but somehow made it to market (while feeling nauseous), where my egg guy DIDN'T have eggs.  Sigh.  We seriously need to set up a messaging system.

Was delighted to find out I'd be spending time with AC today.  We headed to a local park where one of her friends/coworkers was playing Aussie-style football.  Now, I didn't know anything about it going in.. but WOW is it a contact sport.  They weren't even wearing padding.  I almost saw it as a mix of soccer, football and lacrosse, if that made any sense.  It was so fun to watch.  In fact, I'm including a couple pictures for you.  These are both complements of AC, so thank her photographic skillz.

Me!  If you make it bigger, you can see AC's reflection in my sunglasses :)

Okay, for some reason the other pictures of hers I saved off FB won't load here, so I'll have to change their format or something, and I'm too tired for that right now. So.... a pic of me will have to do :)

Catch-up And Ramble

So I sit here with my organic cereal and Metamucil (every time I say that I feel like an old lady) and figured the best time to write was before the day even started.  The past couple days have been good (well, I've been off work, so there's your reason) and spent with friends, so my mood is a bit better.  Later today will be a bit of a busy one; work then choir practice.  A late night with an early morning to follow.  Ugh.

Health - Things are going alright.  I'm on two new meds and they're actually making a difference.  Things aren't perfect or cured by any means, but for the most part, it's improving my quality of life - slowly.  I still can't eat what I want yet, though (and I forget that sometimes. My body is sure to tell me when it's retaliating).  But I've got pills now that I take on occasion that let me travel a bit out of the city.  That's new to me.  I've been anchored in this damn town (as much as I love it) for the past 6 years; I'm happy to be able to travel a bit more now.  I made a trip to CZ's farm (1.5-2 hrs away) without even breaking a sweat.  It was flawless.  I was so excited!  (It's the small things.)  So anyways... the one medication I'm taking on a daily basis, I don't feel great about; it's got a couple ingredients I dislike (aspartame, for one) but it's seems to be helping take the bad bacteria out of the small intestine - which apparently was the problem (whole, or in part of).  And no one says I have to be on it forever, right?  God help me I hope not.

Work - Bleh.

Apartment - I'm kind of stoked to see a new place, I'm not gonna lie.  There are two available in the unit (of just 2 units; one main floor, one upstairs).  One I can easily afford (in fact, I'll even be saving money) and the second I'll have to do some number crunching.  I might be able to talk him down *shrug*

I have to comment on something.  Read my mind that I want to discuss the death of a particular world leader/very bad guy this past week.  (Sorry, but once you've been with military, you avoid the use of buzz-words, so I won't say his name.)  I don't usually bring such high profile issues to my blog, I don't think, but this one's kind of personal.  I won't reveal all my opinions, but please know these are MY opinions, and don't necessarily reflect the opinions of a) anyone else or b) anyone else similar in my past/current situation.  I'm so scared and hesitant to get excited about it.  Part of me is still in shock.  I (and many others) have been waiting for this day for years, for each of our own reasons.  YEARS.  Having had a relationship with K has tied me closer to this war that I ever wanted; it was the reason he re-enlisted, the reason I never saw him very often.  The death of this man, to me, always symbolized K would be one step closer to coming home.  Don't be fooled... there's a lot of work to be done; just because he's dead doesn't mean the fighting will stop.  But you know what?  We're that much damn closer to the end.  So... I'm not ready to accept this piece of information yet.  The world will continue to rejoice and I will sit back with skepticism.  Why?  I don't know.

Does anyone wanna go to work for me this afternoon?  Sure you do.  C'mon.  It'll be fun.

I think I'm gonna start my day now.  Been feeling really tired lately and not sure why, so doing things will take effort.

It's Thursday!  The weekend's almost here.  Hope you've had a good week!

Okay, So I'm Not A Great Poster

So my posting frequency isn't as great as I'd like lately.  Sorry.  Life happens and you get busy.  Or in my case, depressed.

Work hasn't been getting any better.  I'm not going to say much about it here, but just going to say it's causing mass amounts of stress and I'm trying to deal with said stress.  I don't think I've been this stressed out for a few years.  I dislike it highly.  It's filtered its way into my personal life (read: outside of work) a bit and I don't care for that either.  But, I've got a few friends to help me out, so I'm thankful for that.  Asking for help is never easy, but one is usually rewarded when you do :)  CZ came over tonight for tea and we had a few much-needed laughs.  I needed that.

Health is alright.  Not bad, not great.  Well, a bit better.  Still plan to expand on this later.

I walked into an interior design store tonight to look at options for new sheers for the living room, and walked out with a phone number to look at a new apartment.  I'm not really sure how that happened, it was completely random.  But, these things happen for a reason, so we'll see, eh?  I'll talk to the guy next week for a viewing.  Of an apartment I wasn't even looking for.  Random.

I had a nap today.. and it was wonderful.  I don't usually nap, but after last night's late night (post election.. ugh.. stupid, stupid election) I had little sleep.  So Babu and I curled up on the couch together and dozed off for a couple hours :)

Well, that's all I want to write about for now.  I'm going to get to sleep, try and get rid of this stress headache (I don't get headaches often, but I have been getting these.  And Tylenol or Advil doesn't get rid of them..so I'm stuck).

I got a new smart phone (smartphone?).  How does one express proper grammar for 'smart/phone'?  Anyways, been taking pics.  Of Babu :)  And posting on Facebook :)  Hee!

Hope your week has been going well :)  I'm tired and babbling, so I'm gonna write more later :)