Random

Just a few random things bunched together...

I have my follow-up appointment with the G.I October 1.

Saline solution is injected to make sure the IV is in properly. I'm told that if it's not, there would be a lot of pain when injected. Thanks for that, Adam. (I remember the nurse slightly pushing in the solution, waiting a second and going, "We have success". I guess 'success' was defined by me not screaming out in agony :)).

I just noticed, while writing a rent cheque for tomorrow, that I mis-dated last month's; I dated it the 9th month, not the 8th. No one, including the bank, caught it. That's... comforting. I counted like, 10 times to make sure I had September's month counted properly.

I got quite upset at things last night, rather late. Caused some introspection that I wasn't prepared (or really awake enough for). All I kept doing was getting angry. Yes, I know, anger solves nothing and I'm trying to understand if I have a right to be angry about certain things or not.

I came across someone's blog yesterday with this very question, "What decisions in your life have you been putting off?". It's been haunting me ever since. I can't get it out of my head. I know I've done really well dealing with things lately and bringing a lot of other things to a close, but something tells me my subconscious keeps leaning to that question because it has an answer for me; and I'm not yet ready to hear it.

Farewell, Ted...

"There is nothing you cannot do"

~Sen. Edward Kennedy

I just watched the funeral Mass for Ted Kennedy. Brought some tears to my eyes near the end. He is a testament to what a politician *should* be.

Rest in peace, Ted, you're with the Father now.

I couldn't help it..

Saw this, this morning, on a friends blog. I had to steal it (thanks, A.)

Procedures, Pt. II

Well, my friends, I survived.

Yesterday was hell, I'm not gonna lie. I felt like my ass was on fire. Today, I'm just happy I don't have to run to the washroom every 5 minutes :) So, yesterday was the absolute worst of it. If you can get past that, you can do anything.

I arrived at the hospital this morning at 07:30 (it's the same hospital I work in). They stuck an IV in me. I've never had an IV before, so that was interesting. She couldn't find any veins..so she wrapped warm towels around each hand (apparently it brings them to the surface?) Poked one hand, vein collapsed, so she poked the other hand... success. Then I was injected with saline (anyone know why this is?) and waited. My anxiety was good, actually, I wasn't too worried.

Someone came to get me at 09:30 and wheeled me into the next hall where I got a bunch of "Hello!"'s from passing nurses. They're a super nice bunch there. Rolled me into the room, hooked me up to a bunch of stuff for reading my vitals and had me roll on my side. The doc was gonna spray freezing down my throat (which was disgusting, btw) and I started to panic and said this is where my anxiety was going to start, because my last endo went really bad (it was horrific). So they said they'd just give me extra sedation.

I lurves sedation.

I don't even remember them sticking the tube down my throat...and that's the first thing they did. I remember feeling the tubes inside me, which was weird, and sort of painful. And I remember watching the monitor of what he was doing. I kept wanting to ask, "What's that", but I was too weak.

Next thing I know I'm waking in Recovery and the nurse is telling me I'll be able to go home in 15 minutes. Wow. That was fast. Then they wheeled me out to the car (I was very woozy), came home, my friend helped me up the stairs..very..slowly..and we hung out until she had to go to work then I had a nap. I had severe stomach pains after, but that's normal. Pains are gone now.

I feel good. Craving solid food like you wouldn't believe (still supposed to have clear fluids today). I've gone from carb cravings (early yesterday) to protein cravings (mmm..fried eggs), so I guess that's good, right? If ever there was a time to start a new way of eating, it'd be now. So I'm going to try to eat healthier, as my budget allows.

Random, but I think my body, during the cleanse, was kicking out all the toxins. My face has started to break out a bit the past couple days. Makes sense, right?

Anyhoo, I've babbled your ears off. Thanks for listening and your well wishes, etc. :)

Procedures

Well, in a couple days I'll be going through a couple of procedures at the hospital. The ever familiar gastroscopy (endoscopy) and the ever invasive colonoscopy. I asked for the colonoscopy (yes, you read that right. Even my G.I was shocked, "You WANT a colonoscopy??") because of the problems with my stomach, and well, I'm a safety girl.

I've been through the endoscopy before. I was awake, it was uncomfortable as all hell, I kept choking because I have a very sensitive gag reflex (even the freezing didn't help much) and I don't think the doctor knew shit (the same guy told me I have stomach problems because I "ate too much" and to "stop eating"). Yeah, he was exuding intelligence. Apparently for this endoscopy I'll be asleep. Nice change.

I love (LOVE) my current G.I. He has a hellish sense of humour, he seems intelligent and knows his stuff and I have full confidence in him going forward (oops..corporate terms. Sorry A.).

I've just made my Jell-o for the clear diet I'm going to be on the next 2 days (good times; can you see how excited I am about this?). Gatorade is chilling in the fridge. Oh! I forgot the apple juice *goes to throw that in the fridge, too*. I still need to obtain chicken broth. I really should do that tonight. I also have to start prepping tonight, so who knows what condition I'll be in tomorrow morning.

Anyways, I'm getting anxious and kinda nervous. I know it's not a big deal, but other minor things I've had as an out-patient I've been awake for and in full control, and not as invasive. I've also not had to go on a clear liquid diet for 2 days straight and I'm worried about my sugar levels (I'm hypoglycemic) without any 'real' food.

So I thought what better way to calm my anxiousness/nervousness, than by 'talking' about it. Heh. I'd appreciate any 'good lucks', 'hang in there's', positive thoughts, prayers, whatever ya got. :)

He's Just Not That Into You

"They Jedi mind trick you" ... best. line. evar.

I subjected myself to this movie the other night. I wasn't sure I'd like it. It made me laugh within the first 5 minutes, so I kept watching :)

It started with a *fantastic* opening, actually (it was profound to me, at least). The opening shot is a little girl (we'll say about 5) playing in the sand in a playground. A boy of similar age comes up, pushes her down on the ground and shouts that she stinks, or some derivative. She goes crying over to her mother and the mother says, "Do you know why that boy did that to you?". The little girl shakes her head, to which the mother responds, "Because he *likes* you". "And this," the narrator says, "is the first thing we're taught about boys".

It couldn't be further from the truth. Basically (as I read it), we're taught boys who like us are 'abusive' (take that however you like) and we're automatically supposed to accept said behaviour.

I'm re-writing that. I will no longer take abuse. If someone is interested in me, he has to show me love, not hate. Sensitivity, not brashness. Love, not anger. Commitment, not distance.

:)

Frustrated - Modern Times

I'm trying to sit here and read my Eckhart Tolle book (The Power of Now). This book calls for concentration, so I'm trying not to heed to any distractions.

Do you want to know how often I get distracted while reading said book? Every 5 minutes or so (maybe 10). If it's not an email (I hear the alert), it's a text. If it's not a text, it's an email. I assure you, I'm not that popular! But geez, it quickly brings to mind how involved I am in today's technology. How quickly accessible we are. And you know what? There are times I love it and times I hate it. Today I hate it.

I often find myself daydreaming about living in a European lanscape, in a green valley surrounded by white-capped mountains. My dwelling is a moderate, though cozy log cabin. It's a 45 minute drive to anywhere and I have nothing but nature surrounding me. A small river flowing through the property for water, a small fenced in area for animals (y'know, maybe a goat or two, a cow for milk of course, sheep for shearing/wool). It would be a completely sustainable area. This is my 'get away' place (I guess it's no longer private, if I've just shared it with the world, is it? Okay, you can visit, but I'd like advanced notice, please. And you have to lend a hand on the homestead. Help with the animals? Or do you prefer to cook?) :)

I seem to go to 'this place' more and more often. I just want peace. I don't want technology around me 24/7, I don't want emotional breakups, conflicting friendships, stresses of money or rushing to do things because there are only x-amount of hours in the day (which are starting to get shorter now, btw).

So I'm going to go back to my rocker, sitting beside the window with a cool breeze coming in and read my book, learning to ignore interruptions.

Later Edit: If I'm not receiving said texts or emails, I find I'm texting others! Gah! I think next Lent I will consider giving up my cell phone.

Babble

The past week and some has been non-stop in my head. Okay that's a lie. Some busy thoughts, some quiet. You know what? Now that I think of it, a lot of quiet. I think I have found some peace. A lot of changes; mental, emotional. And you know what? I've been doing pretty damn good. I'm strong.* But some things happened tonight and I needed a distraction. So I did what any self-respecting girl** would do.. I turned on some football :) I like pre-season; not as many in the crowds so you can hear the players on the field more. GO COLTS!

I guess I really didn't have a lot to say tonight. I've said my peace. Weather is slightly cooler, though I could use a bit more of a breeze in my window. I could babble about football for a while, but I don't know that it would interest anybody. Oh, and I've just fired The Weather Network; their rain predictions suck. I could say some prayers tonight to bring some peace about tonights events, but, I'm a pretty good procrastinator.

*Do not mis-understand this as comfortable where things are. I'm lonely as hell. I wish I had someone here with me, thus is not meant to be right now, so I carry on.

**Okay, not everyone will agree. Not "all" girls like football, but its my blog and I do, so... :)

Here's An Interesting Tidbit...

I'm having my relaxing, morning coffee... journalling away.. and while I pour my second cup, I have to use white sugar because I've run out of cane sugar. And can I say.... "Ew!". I can *taste* the chemicals. I kid you not. It's gross. It tastes different (you really should see me, I'm making a funny 'yuck' face while I'm sipping & writing this). The after-taste on my tongue is... blech.

I want my cane sugar back. I think today calls for a run of errands.

Weather, Pt. II

Dear Mother Nature,

Thanks for reading my memo. The rain was a nice touch last night. I suppose I should have put in a clause about humidity; ah well, we can't have everything, can we?

With appreciation,

Me

Weather

Dear Mother Nature,

I see you missed my memo requesting cooler weather. Please heed new memo. SEND COOLER WEATHER. I do not enjoy sitting in my living room sweating. Nor do I like getting less than 8 hrs of sleep a night running 1-2 fans which thus increases my hydro bill (please send deposit cheque for which I'm billing you).

Distastefully,

Me.

The Authentic Self

While I was having a shower today to cool off from the abominable heat, I was thinking (as I have been the past couple days) about this 'new' self I am going to become. Then the phrase came to mind, 'the authentic self'. What am I going to do to stay authentic to who I am?

I have been silently mourning the passing of the old J. I feel...still...sort of... empty... from what used to be there, but not worse for it. And quite honestly, I feel less.. miserable.. less weighed-down.

Who are we beneath our ego, super-ego and our id? Who and what are we in the purest form?

What does it mean to you to live authentically?

The Blue Spire

The psyche is a very funny thing. After studying both the brain and the body, I can't decide which is more complex.

My entire world has been turned upside down today. I came across a piece of psychological matter that explained things amidst my life to a 'T'. I knew it, but I didn't *know* it until today. I guess I wasn't ready to hear it. Reading said matter lead to more questions. More questions lead to more introspection. More introspection lead to more realization. Realization lead to world being turned upside down. I have never seen things more clearly than I do now, and it is very painful.

I now have to re-program (at least) the last 10 years of my thoughts/actions/ways/attitudes and so forth. Ten years. That's huge. It's... almost a third of my life. Thinking about all the re-programming I have to do makes me cry still a little (because I know it is such hard work and I take it seriously because it is very important).

When I discovered this psychological matter that I speak of, I cried. I cried *hard*. I couldn't cry hard enough or fast enough to get this 'poison' out of me. It was a release. Afterwards, I was (literally) limp. I couldn't stand straight because everything that I had been about who I am to so many people for so many years.. had left me.

The perovskia has been cut back. There is now an allowance for new growth (I knew I picked this name for a reason) and this new growth will be more prolific than the last. I know it hurts now and I know it's going to take a lot of work (and I still have many more questions). I know I will find strength, I will find new positives to replace the negatives - and when I do.. damn am I going to feel empowered. Until then, I will withdraw, I will ask who J. is and I will develop a new system/thinking/ways/attitudes/*self worth* as to who she is.

So, dear reader, what should I do to commemorate the loss of the old J. to the new? What symbolic gesture should I perform? It can be grand, it can be minute. What have you done to celebrate a change in your life?

P.S Virtual hugs are always welcome, I'm still feelin' kinda low, yo.

Random

Oh Carl Jung, how I love you for your psychology.

Quotes

A survey reveals 9 out of 10 people admit to loving chocolate...and the tenth one is lying.

~from the book, French Women Don't Get Fat

Forget It

Y'know what? Since I can't scratch out my last post, or score lines through it, just forget it was even written. I contemplated deleting it altogether, but at the time I wrote it for a reason, so it stays. It just won't be acknowledged anymore.

Thanks.

The Platypus.

Edit: Post deleted.

Conformity

/post deleted/

Still Alive

Yeah, I'm still around. Haven't had much to post about lately; course is done so the brain box is done working in overtime for a while. No major personal stuff has been happening.

I have been reading Mireille Guiliano's, "French Women Don't Get Fat". It was a widely proclaimed book when it came out. It's a good read, I like it. She expands on the French way/culture of eating; even the importances of indulging (chocolate, wine - in moderation, please). Heh.. but then, the French 'indulge' in wine with every meal. I guess it's 'indulging' to us North Americans (moreso a gastronomic 'sin'). Comes with some good recipes I might give a try.

Clear Skies Ahead

*breathes a sigh of relief*

I'll preface this post by saying a) things have never come easy for me. Ever. If you've known me from a child, you'll know this is true. I'll also say that b) it's very foreign for me when they do. Very. Foreign. "Sure, I'll fit that square block in that circle frame". Foreign.

I recieved 2 (of 4) of my assignments back from my course. 86% on one (not as much as I'd liked) and 96% on the other :)

But wow does it feel good when it happens. To know I've succeeded. To know I've evolved. To know I've actually become.. *gasp*.. intelligent! I never thought I was smart, and part of me still doesn't. With always getting C's and D's in public and highschool, one doesn't have a tendency to feel.. smart/intelligent/good/*worthy* (there's that word again). But I've beat that. I beat my past. You have no idea how mentally satiated I feel. I think I might.. I just might.. feel as smart as those I surround myself with.

There's something to be said for... how can I say... being in alignment with the world around you. With... doing what comes naturally. I studied and went to school for architecture. I LOVED it. It was my passion. But.. I struggled with it. With nutrition, it's a field I never (ever) saw myself in, but I pick it up really easily and, as we now see, I'm good at it. I "get" it. This is a first for me since I've always struggled with educational material.

Well folks, I've talked your ears off enough. Thanks for listening to the squak box. I'm going to go and sit in contentment for a while now :)

In Defense of Food, review

I don't even know where to start in reviewing Michael Pollan's book. Anything I say won't bring the book justice, it's just too comprehensive (in fact, I want to read it a second time). He brings many things to light, I think, than we've bothered to think about (how a Western-style diet is killing us, how we need to get back to whole, un-processed foods). His manifesto is, "Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants".

Our food has become increasingly industrialized the past few years and it's becoming more rapid as time goes on. 'Add vitamin D to this, calcium to that'. Processed foods are becoming increasingly injected with what we should be obtaining from real, whole or raw food; all to benefit our fast-paced lifestyle and health craze to consume all the nutrients we can. No one cooks from scratch anymore. The more nutrients you can inject in a one-boxed meal, the better.

Western diseases come from a Western diet. The Europeans, the Greeks, the French or the Italians don't have the illnesses we do; at least, not in such abundance. They spend a greater amount on their paycheck on food. They cook. They take more time to slow down and eat together. They don't sit on the couch, in front of the TV with a meal you can microwave in 2 minutes. Eating at the table with family or friends is very important to them... and it should be. It makes eating much more enjoyable.

I'm going to throw in a few key points he brings up and if you want an extension of these, please feel free to comment and we can discuss it :)

~ avoid food products containing ingredients that are a) unfamiliar, b) more than 5 in number, c) unpronouncable or d) that include high-fructose corn syrup.

~ avoid food products that make health claims (can you guess why?)

~ you are what you eat, eats, too (this includes the quality of soil of the grass that feeds the cow that you eat the steak, butter or drink the milk from)

~ pay more, eat less

~ eat slowly

~ try not to eat alone

Try to read this book if you can. He brings up so many more things than I can ever mention here that get the 'ol brain box movin'. Michael Pollan is an excellent author that really seems to know his stuff.. and he's not afraid to challenge conventional thinking/ways.

Work Celebration

I got the permanent position for Dietary Aide! Woo!