Saturday, January 1, 2011

Does It Ever End?


I want to cry.  Maybe even scream a little.

I hate life today.  Am I allowed?  It's only temporary.

Read that when I say I hate life, it means I hate me.

I'm mad at myself.  Yes I'm being too hard on myself.  Yes I need to be more gentle with myself and practice all the things I preach.  Yes I'm finding fault in being human - the exact opposite of what I believe in.  I'm going to talk some things out as I work them out in my head.

I have problems letting go of things (I know some of you that know me well are saying to yourselves, "Really Jody?  REALLY?  Well.. duh.").  I'm trying not to make a rhetorical statement.  And yes, before you comment further, I know this is a common human fault that everyone is guilty of.  I just hate today that I can get so wrapped up and lost in things.  I hate even more that I do it so easily.  It's stupid because I know this is who I am (or is it? Does it define me?).  I've come to terms the past year that I'm a very passionate person and not everyone... appreciates (or lets be honest, really.. knows how to handle) this character trait.  So do I have to conform?  Or does someone else need to conform to me?  Is it even about conformity at all?

I hate that I'm on this fucking holiday emotional roller coaster again.  Two days ago I was happy.  I was so happy and I had an inner peace that not even the explosion of the Death Star could destruct (random).  But today.... ahh.. to hell with today.  I don't want to go to work.  I just want to stay home, curl up with my cat and get lost in a book.  Anyways, I'm getting sidetracked.

When we let go, that's when things come to us.  It's when life happens.  When we don't try so hard and finally relax, God (or the universe, interpret it as you may) brings us what we need.  And it can be anything in any context - a job, love, family.  So how do you relax?  How do you let go of the one thing you want most?  When we focus on not "getting what we want" it amplifies the mood and makes it worse, as if there were such a thing.  Not only that, but for me (and this is strictly for me, I know the thought-process doesn't fit everyone) it distances me from God and what I hold sacred and trust most.  When I realize that it makes me sad.

It can be done but it's not easy.  In fact, I think I've proved with myself it's one of the most difficult things in the world.  I know I've written about this before and I apologize because I'm sure I'll probably write about it again.

Well, I'm going to take my sorry ass off the computer and grab some lunch.  I'm going to chalk my mood today to the weather (it's dreary and raining out) and PMS.  Anyone got a hug?


Bix said...

This that you said:

"I just hate today that I can get so wrapped up and lost in things." the crux of it. Isn't it odd that there is a part of our brain that knows what it is we're doing that is causing us pain, but there's another part that continues to play the scene over and over again?

I sure don't have any answers. But I feel your frustration.

Perovskia said...

This is why human nature can be such a paradox.

Thanks for your words, Bix.

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