Happy Hallowe'en!

Well, this wonderfully fun holiday is upon us again. I hope everyone has plans and is going to have fun. I'm not much of a big Halloween'er, but tonight I'm dressing up and heading out to a friends party. I like walking around the neighbourhood and watching the kids all dressed up, but tonight I have to work, then after I will be drinking :) I'm just gonna grab some scrubs from work (oh, the convenience) and appoint myself as a Greys Anatomy character :)

To my Christian friends, I wish you an All Souls Day. To my Pagan friends, Samhain. May you have a fun, happy and safe evening.

A Dream

Last night I had a dream. It started out with me casually sitting with about 2-3 other people, starting to sing. I didn't start in right away, but about middle of the first song and I sounded pretty good (I was worried). It seemed we had talent and our friends told us we should sing publicly. So we booked a gig and played in front of a group of people, outside. As we were setting up, we were getting nervous. On the inside of wherever we were that we were playing, was a navy ship. I remember the tight spaces and corners. We finally went out to play and I got ready and into character (or what I thought would fit)... I stripped down right to my skivvies. Okay, less than that; I just had underwear on. Everything else was nekid. And when we started playing, I was so nervous, I didn't even sing. Not even the first song.. and people started getting mad and pelting things at us so we quit and left. There was another part of the dream after that I remember images but not what happened entirely.

Most of my dreams of late have ended in some sort of violence (including the other night when I dreamed I was at the opera and it ended with a tank coming through the orchestra).

There's your dose of randomness for the day.

Ramblings

The past couple weeks have been hectic. Maybe more than 2 weeks, but I can tell you the past 2 weeks for sure. I don't feel there's enough hours in the day. Yesterday was my only day off this week and I had so much planned, but didn't get to half of it. I didn't get to the church and I didn't get to the park (thanks to no sun coming out for me to take pictures) and I definitely didn't get to laundry; I was too tired.

I've been getting random texts from friends the past few nights on or after 1am. I swore last night if someone texted me at that time I'd break their fingers off. Thankfully no texts and it was only my body that kept me up repeatedly last night *sigh*.

J. came over last night, impromptu, with a couple of pumpkins and a bottle of wine. So, I channeled my inner child as we drank and carved :) It was fun. I'll try and take a pic of mine and post it. She's more in tune with her 'inner child' than I am and carved a goofy looking pumpkin :) I got in touch with my inner artist and did something a little more intricate. I'm sure it would have looked better than it does if I wasn't drinking :) Naturally, "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" was on last night and we watched that at the same time.

I bought a book yesterday; George Orwell's Animal Farm. Was having a discussion a couple weeks ago with a couple friends about what we read, I'd mentioned I don't read fiction as a rule, but I would like to get back into some of the classics and this was suggested to me. If you have any experience reading Orwell, please let me know how it's been. I fear I won't understand his writing. Is there a certain way I should approach it? etc..

Looks like another overcast day. I heard the rain this morning, that was nice.

Well, not much else to say, or lots to say but I'm just not sayin' it. Tell me how your week has been. I would love to hear it.

Denial

So it seems I may be lactose intolerant after all. I reacted to the cream in my hot chocolate and the morning after, I got sick to the milk I drank. I spoke to my GP about it and she said one may not react right away, but have a delayed reaction. Crap. And apparently I introduced too much at one time. I'm to introduce milk again 3 days later (tomorrow), 50ml at a time, not 500ml :) So we'll see.

Cheese doesn't seem to bother me, nor butter on my toast. So maybe just certain dairy. Maybe just milk. I still have to try organic milk after this.

Later Edit: Retract the cheese comment. Also a possible issue.

Vaccines and Dairy

First, dairy. I had 500ml of milk tonight. No reaction. Well, I had very little pain in my stomach, but it was slight and barely noticeable. Not enough to declare it a problem. I believe last nights attack was brought on by a very empty stomach and very solid food, too quickly. This relieves me. I like my milk :) I didn't crave it like I thought I would, though.

Vaccines. My Canadian counterparts.. please be wary. If you're deciding to get the H1N1 vaccine, know that trials are still in the infant stage and literally going on this week. The country is confident to kick out the actual vaccine even while trials are going underway because they'll be receiving back information "rather quickly". They may be getting short-term reactions quickly, but long-term reactions will take years. We don't know what will happen. This is a new strain so we don't know what's effective, how much, or in what doses. I'm personally against vaccinating for moral and academical reasons, but to each his own. Not everyone holds this belief and please get the vaccine if you feel you'll be protected.

That's all today.

Speechless and Dairy

It's not often I become speechless. Today is one of those days. In a good way :)

And.... I had dairy tonight. I thought I'd have some while I'm at home doing nothing, before I chance getting sick before work. So I made a homemade hot chocolate. With lots of cream. And I found... PAIN. I got sick.. twice. Very painful attacks. I'm also eating/drinking on a very empty stomach and that doesn't always bode well for me, either. So I will buy some milk tomorrow and have a good 'ol glass tomorrow night after work.

The Tax Man

I just had to call Revenue Canada... and can I say... I just dealt with the nicest guy ever. I'm still smiling because he was so nice and accommodating. Government officials. Who knew.

Autumn Days

Went for a walk in the park after I got back from Mass & breakfast. It's such a beautiful day, how could I resist? I was surrounded by a ground that was a sea of gold. I sat on a bench that was a bit in the sun and just people-watched. Everywhere, people were taking pictures. I was surrounded by families and couples (and dogs). It was a good day for it. I even had a family with a hired photographer set up behind me. They were literally 5 feet behind me and although I was enjoying my time sitting there, I felt I was in their space (though technically they were in mine, but I digress). So I left and let them have the bench. Took a last tour around the park and walked home. Leaves were covering the pathway and I intentionally swept my feet in them with child-like abandon. Found a street with lots of leaves on the sidewalk *swoosh, swoosh, swoosh*. It was fun :) I left a lot less tense than I began.

I'm back home now. Opened the window a couple inches. Babu (my cat) stuck his head through it breathing in the fresh air. I've started laundry and I have plenty more I could be doing, but I'm not doing it. Dunno why. I'll be starting my roast soon for dinner. Looking forward to that.

Hope everyone's enjoying their day.

Slight Musings About the World Around Me

When I came back from my errands today I noticed a couple of flyers lying around the mailbox area (and I don't mean grocery flyers, just those small advertisements for glasses, or pizza, or whatever). There are a couple people in my building who have a sign on their mailbox such as "No Ad Mail". I started thinking. Apparently there's a list you can put yourself on to remove yourself from these mailings, or post aforementioned sign. But does this really solve the problem? People are trying to do this, for the most part, to reduce waste, right? But companies are still producing these flyers en masse, as well as the greenhouse gases they're emitting. Two people out of 50 in a building (and so on) isn't going to get the message across. So what's the answer?

I was just watching TV and I saw a commercial on muffins. Except, the muffins are in a container and you add things (eggs, etc) to the container and shake it and poof.. you have muffins. They save you from "no more mess" (but isn't that the fun of baking??). Using different tools, getting your hands dirty (so to speak). Am I the only one that's disturbed that you can make muffins in a tin?

Ahh well, The Dirty Dozen is on TV and that makes everything better :)

Gripe

I want dairy!!!

.. as a side note, my palate has slightly changed. I taste the saltiness in food more. Odd by-product of going dairy-free. Didn't expect that.

The challenge continues.

Going Dairy-Free and Other Musings..

I want my milk. *Now* I'm starting to crave it. Not a lot... and most of it is out of habit, but I often find myself saying, "A glass of milk would go great with this". Today and for the next week is completely dairy-free. Well, for the most part. There are a couple items in my fridge that I can't not eat because they have some form of dairy in them (the mashed potatoes with used-up sour cream, the greek salad that has a bit of feta on top). I'm using the food I have. I'm just not actively putting dairy on anymore food items (no cream in my coffee this morning which surprisingly, isn't that bad). I didn't make apple crisp last night as planned (butter), so I have found another recipe to use the apples with no dairy (I'll post it if it works out). I never realized how much dairy I actually use - until I cut it out. So the adventure continues...

The Paxil is going fine. Sort of. The only adverse side-effect I'm getting is feeling more thirsty/dry mouth. So I try to drink more water. It is affecting my g.i system I believe and making it more sensitive (not less), so if this continues for the next couple weeks I'll go off the med at month's end. It's being counter-productive. This doesn't surprise me, though. I tried.

I continue to confront parts of my distant past and it's going very well. Slow, but well. I am happy about this.

That's all for today. I hope everyone's having a good week.

The Anatomy of the Heart...

.... is complicated. Dude. And I'm just learning the basics. All the different heart diseases, what they're caused by, what they cause themselves, what illnesses are a product of. Ugh. Maybe I'm making it more difficult than it is, but my brain was about to ooze out of my skull trying to read and understand everything.

*puts books down and walks away from the heart for a while*

Touched By Love and Faith

I encountered an older woman today. I delivered her dinner tray to her. Her husband is always there to help her with dinner. She can get by on her own for the most part, but seems to need some assistance. They're a *very* nice couple. Sounding by the last name, *very* French-Canadian.

I was delivering snacks to the diabetics when I encountered her again. Her husband was gone. She calls me over in a whisper and grabs my hand. She starts whispering about how long it's been since she's seen me and asked how I was. I play along. She asks, very worried, where her husband is and if he'll return. She kept making references about things that happened 50 years ago. How her husband was in the war and how lucky he is to be alive. Indeed. Ahh.. dementia. Dementia is not my friend. It runs in the family; my grandmother had it pretty bad, but more on that later. So I let her talk (I don't really have a choice, she has my hand) and she's very worried. She says she keeps saying her prayers. She can't sleep at night. So I asked her faith (knowing it was a rhetorical question) and she didn't hear me. I said, "Are you Catholic?". "Oh yes," she says. "Where is your rosary?" I asked. "I don't know, it's around here somewhere," distraught. I told her when I have problems sleeping sometimes, I say my prayers and that helps. She smiled.

So I told her I had to go, but I would return. I asked the nurse if it was okay I gave her a rosary (per her safety) and she didn't have a problem with it. I finished my snacks, went to the in-house chapel, grabbed one (they're just cheap plastic jobies) and went back to her. She was so relieved. You should have seen the look of peace and relief when I gave it to her.

I'd have done it for any one, or any faith. When we're lost and confused, it helps to return to what guides us, what comforts us, what keeps us sane. I'm just glad I was there at the right time and the right place to offer someone solace.

It reminded me of a time (though unrelated) I had a return of a patient; I ran into her husband on the sidewalk as I was walking into work. We made small talk. I asked how she was, he told me (it wasn't good), I sighed. Then he says, matter-of-factly, "But she's my wife (as he shrugs), I love her" so he was going to keep persevering. Even when you could tell he was so physically & emotionally tired and his nerves were wrought to the bone.

Days like this make me thankful I work at the hospital so I can see so many different sides of people. Connect with them. That's what human's are all about, aren't we? The more we stay strangers, the colder the world gets, the more wars start (as an example). If we don't talk to each other, listen to each other and try to connect and understand each other.. then what's the point? Why are we here? Well, I won't start on that soap box, but you see what I'm saying.

Tonight made me think of my late maternal grandmother. Her dementia started slow, progressed quickly to a severe Alzheimer's. She didn't even recognize you at the end. Kept referencing things that happened 60 years back. But when she went, my aunt was with her, and she kept singing hymns right to the end. This was of great peace to me. I hope my French-Canadian friend has the same gentle passing.

Ramblings About the Weather, Work and Weekends

What a *fantastic* sunny day to wake up to. Finally! In these parts, we've been getting rain several days in a row. It's been quite droll. I haven't cared lately when someone asks me what I'm doing for my long weekend plans, for the hundredth time ("working"), but today made me miss what I'm going to miss. A nice sunny, cool, crisp autumn day. No dinners. No turkey. No family. No cooking myself, which is odd. I usually have a few set friends over for a dinner and cook a turkey myself (which I enjoy), but working 6 days a week and one weekend off a month, leaves me with lack of time. I shall go for a walk today, though, and soak up some of that wonderful sun.

Going semi-dairy free so far this week has been positive. No setbacks. I miss milk, but I'm not craving it. I'm not noticing any g.i irregularities, things are the same, but it's only been a few days. I haven't developed a nervous twitch yet :)

There have been some things going on at work that I've been hesitant to talk about here, but now that I've come to terms about it a bit (read: not really), I'm ready to discuss it. Maybe someone will have an idea what's wrong. Or y'all might just think I'm crazy :)

I've been reading things incorrectly. Say, when I'm delivering a meal, I'll read the ticket room number/bed number and deliver to said patient. Except, I'm reading the room number wrong. I start super-imposing numbers. For example: I will "see" (room) 556-1 (bed one). I'll read the ticket 3 times, secure in the fact the ticket said rm. 556. When in fact the rm. is 558. I mis-delivered a tray the other night because of this with consequences to the patient (details witheld). Not severe, but important enough to cause a possible incident. I was cornered on it by the head nurse and there will be an incident report on my record. I don't even care about the report at this stage, I'm just worried about the patient. I've noticed myself doing this for a while now (this was just the first time I got caught). I did it again later that night delivering snacks (for diabetics); read the ticket 3 TIMES, gowned up because it was an isolation room, got halfway in the room, read the ticket again to confirm the name, saw the room number was 543 NOT 541 that I was in. I felt like such an ass! I *don't* understand what's wrong. Last night I took my glasses to make sure I didn't mis-read anything, so who knows. It made my vision worse because I'm not used to walking around with them (just used for the computer or reading sometimes). I'm wondering if my increased clumsiness, minor headaches and mis-reading is connected somehow. I now see myself as a liability; if I mis-deliver a tray to the wrong person (perhaps someone who has allergies), the results could be.. disasterous. I know I'm not dislexic, I read fine. So is it vision? Is it cognitive? I don't know.

Well, on that note after bearing my soul, I think I'm gonna get bundled up and go for that walk. There's a nice clear blue sky with those fluffy white clouds :) The park with be gorgeous with the leaves changing. And that's where you shall find me....

Quotes

One of the most valuable things we can do to heal one another is listen to each other’s stories. ~Rebecca Falls

Going Dairy Free

Well, I went to the bookstore today, for the hell of it, and perused the shelves. Came across a couple books on IBS. One I bought, which was an entire book on it, from a medical (and anatomic) perspective and the other I flipped through as it just had a section I was interested in. In this section they discussed holistic ways to control IBS. One was adding glucosamine (which I'm all for), one was for adding calcium magnesium citrate (controls the contractions of the intestines; I'll have to do more research into this one).. and the other was going dairy free.

It's so simple, it should have occurred to me sooner. I react to high sugars. Milk has sugars. Duh. I don't know why I didn't think of it. I really *don't* think I'm lactose intolerant; I don't have strong (or any, really) reactions after consuming dairy, but you know what? At this stage of the game, I'm about to try anything.

I was going to cut myself off cold turkey today since I'm out of milk and it would prohibit me from buying more, but I'm going to start slow. I'm NOT going to buy milk. I'm going to use up a bit what I already have in the house (cheese, cream in coffee, etc). You're supposed to do the challenge for x-amount of days. Some sources say 10, the book I read said 14. I will try 14. So... I will drink no milk at all this week. I will put cream in my coffee (going by my reaction of not having cream in the house this morning for said coffee, I'd say I'm not 'ready' yet), eat up the rest of the cheese I have, but next week I'll be off ALL dairy, and do that for at least a week.

Then I'll re-introduce milk. If I react, I'll try organic milk next. If I react to THAT, then I might have no choice but to go off dairy completely, or in very small amounts. I'll be surprised as to what happens. Stay tuned!

Edit: I'm sensitive to fructose and don't respond well to it, which is why I'm testing lactose. They say the two are usually connected together.

Today's Griping is Brought to You by the Letter 'L'

...Laundry.

Oh how I loathe you.

Understand that I don't hate laundry as a whole. I don't mind it. But while I live in a small apartment building (that used to be a sewing machine factory, 60 years or so back, and it's only 3 stories, so no elevator), I reserve the right to complain about a) paying for it (that's a given), b) having to trapes up and down 2 flights of stairs for every load, unload, change-over and c) if I forget to put something in the wash (rare, but happens), that's another trip.

I miss having my own laundry, on the same floor...and not having to pay for it. *sigh*

Okay, griping done.

Updates, Thoughts and Happenings

Updates - I saw the G.I yesterday for the results from my scopes. Normal. Absitively, completely normal. No ulcers (nor H. Pylori), no polyps, no cancer. He found some excess bile in my stomach though, which means it's not emptying properly (and I don't know how to fix this). Clinical Diagnosis: IBS (but we knew that, didn't we?).

Thoughts - I came out of that appointment feeling.. defeated. He says I have to stop fighting the illness and just accept it and work around it. I've been fighting this for 10 years. I don't want to accept it and I don't want to live with it the rest of my life. I refuse. If you've got a chronic illness, you're aware of the emotional roller coaster it can put you on and how much it can control your life. If I give in, the illness wins. I was expecting so much more out of that appointment. Maybe new meds (which were a possibility, but we decided for numerous reasons against it). Well, he is putting me on Paxil, 10mg. This'll be interested. You guys can watch me wig out to anti-depressants. It's such a low dose I don't have much worry about it. The gut has more serotonin than the brain, so the idea is the Paxil will calm the nerve endings in my gut, causing it to be less sensitive/reative. That would be ideal.

Happenings - I started volunteering at the retirement home today. Wow. It was entertaining to say the least. I was dishing out teas and coffees at lunch. When I approached this one table of 4 women, I placed the tea down, and this one wasn't very clear with her speech; she kept telling me to do something, which I couldn't understand. She was getting right nasty, and she slapped my arm! I was a little in shock, but no worse for the wear. So the girl I was working with told me not to do her, she's temperamental (ya think?!) and I quickly moved on. Heh, I go to the next table and an older lady there says, "Oh, don't mind that weathered old bitch". HA! I almost lost it. That was fantastic. Then I went and delivered a couple of trays up to a couple. Well wouldn't you know it, the husband was a gentleman I had at the hospital. Crickety old man. Says his manners, though. Odd. So today was interesting, to say the least.

The past comes to visit now and then. I do pretty good. That's all.

I'm craving something tonight. Not something sweet, not something salty. Cake. I want cake. Who's got cake?

Alright, I'm a bit tired today. I've been staring at the screen for 5 min, so I guess I have nothing else to say.

Random

As said by me, in a conversation tonight with a close friend when speaking about some current particulars I'm dealing with....

"I'm not running from the past anymore."

Such a simple statement and it was said very nonchalantly, but it was sort of... euphoric. Then I said it again, and again, and again. And I felt at peace. It was like I came to a new realization.

It was euphoric because it was a very sober thought; there are in fact, no more issues I have to deal with from my past. There are things that have followed me over the years (and I'm talking 10-15 yrs ago), but you know what? This one thing is the last major situation/past life decision/mistake/failure I have to deal with. I can't believe it. I feel such incredible peace.

*trails off in shock....*