Tuesday, June 15, 2010


I sit with my morning coffee, as I always do when I blog.  Classical is on the background (CBC - Tempo).  Contemplating what to write about first.  Looking out my window (not that I have much of a view), enjoying the breeze coming in the window.  Getting depressed enough that I want to shoot myself in the head.  The devil may win and I may need to cave.

Oh, I'll talk about my visit last night with Mr. W and his family.  I was invited in for a drink but I said it'd be best off the clock, so I went in after my shift.  Stayed for about 25 min.  Had a good time. They're such a caring, generous family - I was so blessed to witness this.  I can't get it out of my head.  Things like this really move me, because I guess I see so much death and sickness and depression around me that the great stuff really sticks out.  I'm all the better for it.  Anyways, visited with the family, had a drink (my new favourite drink now is brandy and gingerale), had cake (it was their 65th wedding anniversary!), talked with Mr. W a while, joked around and gave him a hard time.  At one point he was serenading me (*melt*) and when I was leaving he asked for a kiss.  I said, "Mr. W! Are you trying to get fresh with me? In front of your wife??"  "Yes!" he says.  I laugh.  "Okay," I said, "Then I suppose I could".  He's so cute.  I imagine what he would have been like when he was younger.

Testing my blood sugar has been interesting (for those that don't know, normal levels are between 5mmol and 7mmol - you want to keep you blood sugar in this window.  Anything outside of that is too high or too low).  I think it confirms the PRH.  After a full meal, my sugar will sometimes spike up to 9mmol, then after a couple hours, it'll drop down to say, 5 or 6mmol.  That drop is what I feel.  I'm not dropping below 4 or 5mmol, which would be characteristic of (regular) hypoglycemia, but I am dropping 3 points after a meal.  That's when I lose strength, get shaky, feel too tired to do anything, etc.  My numbers are often in the low 5's (5.1 seems to be a common number).  I find, though, the more I try to maintain it (more protein, less carbs), the more I stay in the 6's, and the less sick I feel (reacting via digestive tract).  So, I'm going to test that theory for a while.  Then I'll spike it with a high-carb meal and see how I react to that.  I have to try different avenues to get different results, the best for diagnosis.  I don't know what else to do, so I hope I'm going about it the right way.  Oh, and I've found after a meal when my sugar drops and I feel hungry, I may not actually be hungry.  It just may be the drop in sugar I feel, prompting the result to eat more (the cycle which I've read about - eating carbs, drops sugar, prompting you to want to eat more carbs).  So I've resisted eating at that moment (after checking sugar to make sure it's in the normal range) and to try to discern when I'm really hungry and eat then.

I've had 2 friends lately that are starting relatively new relationships. I'm so happy for them because they definitely deserve this.  They seem so surreal but so perfect (isn't every relationship in the beginning?).  What they have is so fantastic and so real and honest.. and I think this is it, for both of them.  But I tell ya, it's so hard to listen and not feel sad I don't have that for myself.  I'm human, I'm not going to apologize for it.  It just reminds me what I don't have.  My happiness for them, though, outweighs the need to ask them to not talk about it because if I were them, I'd want to gush about it too; when you're so happy you just want to burst.  I would never ever squash anyones happiness (and I hope when you two are reading this, that you don't keep it to yourselves, just for my sake).  I know, I know.. my time will come, it's just around the corner, he's out there just waiting for you...blah blah blah.  Thanks.  I know all this.  Yes I have faith it'll come.  But man... I've gone through hell and back...and back again.  Don't I deserve it, too?

Monday was my last day of physio!  Thank goodness.  I still have pain and my physiotherapist thinks it'll go away.  I'm not as confident, it's been 6 months already; so we'll see.  I can always go back.  They're such a great bunch there, I don't feel it would be a bother :)

Well, bathroom has been cleaned, laundry's being done.  After lunch and laundry, if my sugar is still okay (read: have the energy), I'd like to go for a walk to the park.  It's so beautiful out today.  I'll bring along my camera and take a few.

I'm.. how can I say.. increasing strength in a friendship with a male friend.  We'll call him D.  We've known each other a few years now (it's purely an online friendship, he's in WI) and we've just started getting closer the past month.  We flirted a lot in the beginning (okay really, the entire time) and we talk about stuff, but we've been very honest about things lately; realizing it can't go anywhere due to the distance (and other personal effects), it's become strictly platonic - and I love it.  It's so..comfortable.  He's growing to become a very close friend.  He's someone I can lean on for comfort after a bad day, gives me strength when I need it (and knows my weaknesses) and revels in my happiness (do I have any?).  I know this means nothing to you, but it's meant a lot to me; so even though I'm writing cryptic, it feels good to get it out.

Well, I've rambled long enough.  Best to get on with my day.  Happy Tuesday everyone!


hydra said...

It's so good to have a male friend, to balance you out and give the male point of view on things. Wish I still had one. I did, but now he's gotten involved with a lady and is no longer available for chats. I miss him.

Perovskia said...

It really is. One of my closest male friends (he almost knows me better than I know myself), lives a couple hours away. And his wife won't let him see me (feels threatened). So he sneaks over once every few months and we catch up. I miss him.

Sorry you don't have your friend anymore.

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