I really don't know if I should write tonight. My mood isn't great, I was sick a LOT today and I'm feeling quite somber. But I haven't turned the lights on yet since it's gotten dark (I had a wonderful sunset coming through the windows but it's since gone) and I've got some jazz quietly in the background. I'm making a hot water with fresh mint leaves picked from my window box for my tummy. Dinner sat okay, so that's good news. It's just a quiet, thinking sort of night.
Sometimes I still think about being alone. It gets lonely comin' home to a cat...just sayin'. I love Babu (although we have to sit and have a talk about him taking up half the bed last night..literally... and he made me sleep on the side that's not my side!! Nerve!) but he's just not quite enough :) Though for a while I've been at a point that I'm kind of glad I'm still living alone. I don't want to compromise for second best. I'm happy waiting for the right one and I'm in no rush. But then I think... how will I know he's the right one? I could have bet on my grandmother's grave my ex was the one. I can't trust my judgement anymore, now, after that. So I don't know what to do next. I mean, I'm not too worried right now because there's not even a contender, but, it's on my mind, cause I have to have my receptors up ahead of the game, right?. Dating someone would be nice right now. I'd still have my space (physical and emotional) but have someone 'there'. My fault.. that would insinuate there's a perfect world. What was I thinking.
Then I'm having moral dilemmas in my head on a daily basis. I have options of... being with people (wink wink, nudge nudge) and the old me would have been right on that without a care in the world. But the new me is thinking twice, hesitant, has the "what if's" going through my head should circumstances occur and yes, some of it is faith-based ("No I shouldn't and yes I should wait"). I have to be more careful since I'm off the pill and that has been a deciding factor as well. It was a good idea to go off of it at the time, but hell... this is frustrating! It's very hard to change... *counts silently in my head*... 19 years of... ways.
I think I will go eat some chocolate now.