Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Mindful Musings

I really don't know if I should write tonight.  My mood isn't great, I was sick a LOT today and I'm feeling quite somber. But I haven't turned the lights on yet since it's gotten dark (I had a wonderful sunset coming through the windows but it's since gone) and I've got some jazz quietly in the background.  I'm making a hot water with fresh mint leaves picked from my window box for my tummy.  Dinner sat okay, so that's good news.  It's just a quiet, thinking sort of night.


Sometimes I still think about being alone.  It gets lonely comin' home to a cat...just sayin'.  I love Babu (although we have to sit and have a talk about him taking up half the bed last night..literally... and he made me sleep on the side that's not my side!! Nerve!) but he's just not quite enough :)  Though for a while I've been at a point that I'm kind of glad I'm still living alone.  I don't want to compromise for second best.  I'm happy waiting for the right one and I'm in no rush.  But then I think... how will I know he's the right one?  I could have bet on my grandmother's grave my ex was the one.  I can't trust my judgement anymore, now, after that.  So I don't know what to do next.  I mean, I'm not too worried right now because there's not even a contender, but, it's on my mind, cause I have to have my receptors up ahead of the game, right?.  Dating someone would be nice right now.  I'd still have my space (physical and emotional) but have someone 'there'.  My fault.. that would insinuate there's a perfect world.  What was I thinking.


Then I'm having moral dilemmas in my head on a daily basis.  I have options of... being with people (wink wink, nudge nudge) and the old me would have been right on that without a care in the world.  But the new me is thinking twice, hesitant, has the "what if's" going through my head should circumstances occur and yes, some of it is faith-based ("No I shouldn't and yes I should wait").  I have to be more careful since I'm off the pill and that has been a deciding factor as well.  It was a good idea to go off of it at the time, but hell... this is frustrating!  It's very hard to change... *counts silently in my head*... 19 years of... ways.  


Sigh.


I think I will go eat some chocolate now.

8 comments:

bambi said...

Chronic illness wears one down in so many ways. Being able to have someone 'take care of you', make your tea, milk toast or whatever is often something most of us humans really need. My sis and I were talking about how wonderfully comforting it was when we didn't feel well, and could go over to mom and dads, (our childhood home). It was more than just having mom watch the kids for us while we laid on the coach, or in the sun, it just touched our heart/soul in someway.

I imagine you've heard of some major studies proving we all need a certain number of hugs a day. I don't remember the 'stats', but it was something like four a day to survive, more to grow, flourish etc. (First read it in the book LOVE by Leo Bascaglio sp?) We need human contact, regardless of how 'far' it goes. It's always nice to have a male (for us gals) FRIEND that will give us a hug or hold us and we don't have to worry about it meaning more than friendship.

My daughter, A. HATED being alone. The hour and a half drive up to my house/down to her dads (when she lived here)was something she dreaded. After being a single mom of four, I LONGED for 'alone time'. I'm happy that now she wants to live alone, no roommates, because it means she can now be alone with herself and her thoughts and not be afraid of that. The years with your ex you were alone, what, some 90% of the time, but I think God chose you to be there for him, and I hope you never regret those years. I have started looking at each 'stage' of our lives are a specific 'journey' God wants us to take, for different reasons. Like Mother Mary, you said yes when He asked you to be there for K. I hope, and pray that you have at least one good friend who you can ask for help now and then. The kind of help where you say, would you mind coming over and just sitting with me, taking care of me. We need to eat, stay hydrated etc. but when you feel lousy and have to choose staying in bed because you're exhausted or ?? and fixing tea, or something to eat is more 'stress' or disappointment or ?? I can't think of the right word. But who can ask someone to come and take care of us, baby us? I hope you can see through the fog and darkness of these types of day and give Him thanks for teaching you a new lesson in compassion and 'telling' you, through experience, how you can be a better friend to others living alone. I already think you are a blessing to patients who have no one to visit them, care about them. You understand the pain of being alone, the need for conversation etc.

When you find your soul mate, God will give you the wisdom and you will know it is right. Until then, try to find the 'service' God is asking you to take on for the people in your life. I pray that soon you will find that perfect friend, and mate who will care for you like you deserve. : )

Perovskia said...

Your comment made me smile :) You speak with wisdom. I don't know where to begin. In fact, I think I need to sit on this a little more.

Bix said...

I just wanted to thank you for all the photos and stories of Babu. Babu has become my own personal pet :) (Except I don't have to clean the litter box.)

Perovskia said...

Aww.. thanks Bix.

On days he's driving me nuts and I want to hand him off, I know where to take him ;)

hydra said...

I think Bambi is exactly right. But sometimes we use our busy minds to blot out the messages we should be listening to/feeling/acting on. No wonder we get confused.

The cottage by the Cranelake said...

I hope You´re feeling better now!

I love living alone :-) The best decision I´ve made I think :-) But I don´t think that there´s only one "right" peron out there and one of them will come along Your way one day :-) It´s probaly a person You the least would think it was :-)
Take care now!
Christer.

Perovskia said...

Hyrda - Thanks. I agree, we do have busy minds and need to 'listen' more. Easier said than done, sometimes I think.

Perovskia said...

Christer - Thanks, I am feeling better :)

I love living alone too, don't get me wrong (I love my freedom too much), but I won't deny loneliness hits sometimes. Do we really not have just "one" person? I don't know if I have an opinion about that. Society has taught me, growing up, that we do, so it's very hard to change that. Not that I might challenging that thought process. Hmm.. you've given me some food for thought.

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