Babble

I hadn't realized how many days it's been since I wrote last.  I'm content, post-holiday hubbaloo and finding my groove again and keeping busy, somehow.  I'm getting a bit of the itch and kind of wish I had some vacation time booked right about now.

I'm not sure what all I can tell you about; life hasn't been that interesting.  I've been working days this week and I seriously need to get to bed early tonight.  Trying to catch up on late nights proves challenging (but I must confess, I'm impressed that I've been able to work days with so little sleep).

Here's an interesting (and random) dilemma I have; I have so many books to read.  So many.  And I haven't been able to pick up a single one (AND I have magazines piling up).  I somehow have a problem sitting down and reading a book.  Reading even used to even be my favourite before-bed activity!  But... nothing.  Sigh.  I don't get it!  I sit half the time on the computer!  Why can't I do it in my chair, reading a book??  It's so retarded!  Ugh!

I still haven't received the call for the new internist appointment.  I hate waiting.

Bleh.. I really don't have much to write today.  Went to a hockey game last night; it was fun.  Pictures to come.

Phew!

Boy, that took a lot out of my voice box.  It's broaching on 2am and I'm just sitting with a tea and honey post-midnight Mass.  We sang for what seemed almost an hour straight.  To top it off, we sang Handel's Messiah at the end.  We rocked it, though I have to say with our sparse choir, we didn't sound quite like this (I love that performance, btw).  It's hard not to get excited when performing that piece :)  We sang it at the very end and people just crowded around in droves watching us.  Ack!  Pressure to perform! (okay, I might have liked it a bit, I won't lie) :)

Aaaand.. it's starting to hit me so I'm gonna get to bed.  Back to sing it all again tomorrow!  Can't wait.

Best Wishes From Me To You

Wanting to wish you all a very Merry Christmas!  I hope the holiday surrounds you with love and happiness.

All our best,
Jody & Babu.

I Need Your Help!

Okay.. so remember a while back I wrote about my friend L. who has cancer (multiple myeloma).  She's continued to beat the odds, despite having found more tumors.  She was given 8 months to live at a particular time in her re-diagnosis and so far she's beat it and is at 14 months.  She *can* be a fighter.

We were talking today (via text) and her emotions, understandably, are all over the place.  She's not getting Christmas cards out, not involved in anything and has fallen into a pretty serious funk.  Who can blame her?  But we need to help pick her up.  Well, *I* want to help pick her up and if anyone can help, I would be forever indebted.  I asked her what she's done special for herself and she doesn't believe she's anything special, that she "doesn't matter" or likewise, deserves anything.  She doesn't seem to care, though she seems really down about it.

I really need your help.  I can text this girl till I'm blue in the face (and I just might!) to tell her every day that she's special and that she matters (she matters to me! What a source of inspiration she's been!) but... I want something more tangible.  What can I send her, or what can I do for her that even gives her an ounce of self-care?  I'm not letting her give up on herself and I'm now rallying my friends for ideas.

She lives out west in Saskatchewan, so if I send her anything (and I can) it has to be mailed.  What is something extraordinarily special that I can do for this girl?  She's almost 30, has a love for the Barenaked Ladies (I thought about writing them about her and maybe having them drop her a line?).. hmm.. what else can I tell you?

Would love any input, no matter how far-out or silly.  Message here, privately via email, Facebook.. wherever.

Thanks guys!!

Waiting For A Lull

Isn't it the way?  I complain I don't have plans with friends or family for Christmas and every day this week I've filled my social calendar in some way or form.  It's keeping me happy and not at all lonely.  Well, as much anyways.  My ideal Christmas morning would be waking up in someone's arms, but we can't always have what we want, can we?

I'm actually looking forward to some quiet time Christmas Day, Boxing Day if I have to have it; there is a ton of stuff around the apartment I'd like to do - including lounging around and getting into a book or two that have been waiting for me (for months, now).  I'll cuddle up with a nice blanket and a hot chocolate or two.  My room looks like a tornado has gone through it, so I could clean that, too.  Pop in a movie or two.  Snuggle Babu.  I'll fill the time.

Which reminds me, I took a few pics of Babu yesterday, I will upload them soon.

What are your plans?  Are you having holiday stress?  No stress?  Too many gatherings?  Not enough?  I wish you to be surrounded by love, whatever it is you're doing.

A Little Calmer

Warning: language, again (sorry; it's brief though, I promise) :)

So.. a little more calmer about things now, though I'm not sure I'm any less upset.  I've just sort of gone to 'not caring' and riding each day out until Christmas is bloody well over with.  Sounds depressing, doesn't it?  I have to 'shut off' to some extent in order to survive the holiday.

Some don't understand the need to be with family this time of year.  And it might not be everyone's thing.  Maybe some people enjoy spending the holidays alone; using it as a bit of solace and downtime.  I can't.  I need to be around people.  I don't know why; all I can say is it's an innate feeling I've had, for forever and I don't think I need to apologize for it.  It's something I don't care about figuring out or questioning why.  It's just there.  I don't use it to find reason to enjoy my quiet time because I have quiet time the other 364 days of the year.  Thankfully, I find a lot of solace at church with so much going on this time of year, so I'm there a lot to fill the void.  Or at least, as much as I can be with Masses/work schedule.  As it is I'll have to sing at midnight Mass and I'm trying to figure out how to stay up for that one :)  I'll have to have a nap beforehand because there's no other way I'll be able to survive.

I got Babu an early Christmas gift - a scratching post.  It's not the caliber and quality I wanted to get, but, well, it was on sale :)  He likes it and uses it often.  I think my furniture is happy.

I feel something starting in my throat.  Not cool.

Haha.. I've got a funny story.  So, this morning I got up for work, CS picked me up and when we got to work and went to sign in, my name wasn't where it was supposed to be.  It was beside an evening shift, not a day shift.  Shit.  So there's me, CS and another co-worker and our supervisor standing there and I notice that I came in when I didn't have to and I expressed, "I GOT UP AT FUCKING 5 AM WHEN I DIDN'T HAVE TO?!?" *rofl*  omg.  I don't think I saw my co-workers mouths drop to the floor so fast in my life... that's TOTALLY made my day.  So we laughed it off and my Sup gave me a hug amidst my comical distress.   Then I apologized for swearing :)  lol  So.. I walked home, went back to bed for a couple hours (didn't sleep straight through, sadly) and got up and re-started the day.  I'll go in for my afternoon shift at 3.  The 06:30 walk home was quite nice, actually.  The wind wasn't bad and it was lightly snowing; there's something peaceful and quiet about a walk so early in the day.  But dude, going to your workplace twice in one day, not cool.

There's not much to report on JC, or at least, that I care to discuss here at this time.

Since my one other post though, I made a tremendous breakthrough about my search for particular men, realizing what I deserve, etc.  It's changed the way I look at the world.  Implementing the changes is going slowly (mental actions with physical reactions - I have to re-program my convictions, see? ).

I have a couple errands to run today; mostly for some food stuffs.  I made scrambled eggs when I got up and all I could put in was diced onions.  I'm out of veg, out of bread, milk.. argh.  And if you can believe it, I still have some Christmas cards to write out.  There aren't enough hours in the day.  Oh!  And I have to clean for company coming tomorrow...so I must attack the dishes in the sink.  My kitchen looks like a tornado went through it.  Yes, yes, company comes to see you, not your house, but I'm OCD, remember? :)

Happy Saturday, all.  If you're out and about, be safe; traffic will be crazy no matter where you are.

Ill-Tempered Post

Warning: language. Huge vent. Be advised.


So I emailed my sister this morning to ask what was going on for Christmas because I hadn't heard anything.  She said she was holding a family gathering for New Years Eve.  I said I can't travel... and even if I did, I don't have it off (I did, but there were changes to the schedule).  She's still trying to pare down a day and said our brother was driving over for the festivities. Seriously?

I CAN'T FUCKING TRAVEL!  What does she not get about this?  She knows my stomach is bad.  She SHOULD know, she's got fucking colitis for crying out loud.  AGAIN I am not going to be around family for Christmas and I've got the whole fucking holiday off.  Lovely.  I'm almost in tears.  I don't know why she doesn't get it!  We were discussing Christmas plans before and for the parents we were just going to have dinner (that town is just 20 min away).  So... I presumed we were going to have dinner with them some night.  Perhaps a faulty assumption on my part.  Her "dinner" is with the whole extended family in Niagara Falls for a day/evening/overnight.  *headdesk*

I can't take this.  You know what?  Maybe I'll hold something here.  I'll invite the parents and if K (bro) and his gf want to come, they're welcomed.  But watch.. the parents won't be able to come because of the restaurant.  Fuck.

I'm starting to hate this fucking holiday.  I might as well take down the decorations because there's nothing to get excited about anymore.  Every year I worry about spending it with someone.  Every year it gets more exhausting.  I asked Santa for a guy this year, cause, well, I'd like one and I think it's deserved at this point (but what the hell do I know), but at least if I spent it with him, I wouldn't be so sad about not spending it with family.  I want to start my *own* family.

Fuck this post is getting depressing.  I'm out.

More Self-Reflection

Really, I wanted a break.  No rest for the wicked, I guess.

I was speaking with an old friend this morning (we've known each other 20 years) and I was discussing my current.. situation.. and he reminded me to go slow and not push for commitment.  Then it dawned on me.. I've always been like that (thus I said to him after a pause, "I've always been like that, haven't I?"  "Yes!" he responded.  Eek).  I was dumbfounded.  I really have been.  I remember that since I was at least.. geez, D. and I have known each other since we were 14.  14!  I'm staring at the screen because I'm speechless right now.  What on *earth* has compelled me since I was 14 to desire so much commitment from men?  And how do I make it stop??  And it's so odd that I would desire so much from men.. my stepfather was abusive (and other male family members) so you'd think I'd want to run in the other direction.  But ever since I can remember, I've had that hope.  Today's it's a lot more stronger and identified, but back then it was silent and reclusive but crying for attention.

I... don't know where to go from here.  And it's something I HAVE to figure out because it affects every single relationship/contact/friendship or otherwise, that I have with men.  I cling.  I don't want to have to cling anymore.  I'm sure they don't want that, either.

Hee!

I did my exam tonight and I'M DONE MY COURSE!!

Holy mother of God, I didn't think it'd ever end (the course, not the exam).  I'm a walking zombie.. it pretty much fried my brain.  I can't tell you how I did. Not great, but.. I don't care at this point.  Too tired.

Now I can get my life back a bit and my apartment cleaned and think about Christmas.. and.. a whole bunch of other things :)

Night, all.

More On My Mind..

And here I thought I was done blogging for the day.  I have to post a couple things on my mind, or I know I'll just be staring at the books.  Well, so much for studying this afternoon...

Just came back from my GP.  Went fine for the most part, until we started to get talking about things.  I like her because you don't feel rushed, she actually seems to genuinely care.  She'll pull up a chair, face you and talk about things, asks questions, etc.  I told her about the referral the endo wanted me to get.  She's doing it, but she had a bunch of questions.  Again with what symptoms I have, saying how they're characteristic of IBS, could try diet, hypnosis, anti-depressants.  Then I start to get upset.  I confront her with the new info I have, how I understand things to work (cytology, physiology).  I get a bit defensive and to be fair, I think I'm entitled.  Doctors saying the usual gamut I've heard time and time again.  She said how it can be controlled through diet and I don't disagree with her.  She asked if I've paired foods into groups and I said I've been starting to (thanks for that, B.) with what I've been avoiding. She also thinks per the IBS, one food I can have one day (i.e apple), I can't have another day.  Though that is rarely true, it's not as much anymore.  I'm classifying foods into larger groups (fats, sugars), not individual items (though I am selecting individual items to fall into particular groups).  Make sense?  Oh, and she also thought the South Beach diet, per a recent study has been claimed to help people lose weight the most (I'd like to see who funded that study).  Not saying it's incorrect, but...

Then she suggested one day.. just one day.. I try not to think about it.  Right.  I said part of the problem is with agoraphobia you fear about going out (for whatever personal reason) and it's all psychological.  I worry, I have to empty my bowels, then I leave.  It's how I've been programmed for the last 12 years.  It's hard to get away from that.  I said I wasn't disagreeing with her, but that's just how it is; it happens so often (daily) that I can't get away from it.  She says it's incurable, one will never be symptom-free and I said I don't accept that as an answer.  I said it might very well be true, but I don't accept it.

And apparently I needed to vent.  Sorry for the ramble.  I'm getting sad again and I'd rather not.

Also thought I'd throw this out there, lest you think I was crazy.  I know you've seen my emotions waver the past few days with regards to JC like a freaking tidal wave.  You might wonder, "Jody, why are you depending all your personal happiness on another person?" and you would be right.  I know.  I've caught myself doing it.  No one should rely their happiness on another person, mate, friend or otherwise.  You need to have faith in whatever higher power you believe in that that significant power, or what have you, will take care of you and your needs and happiness, regardless of what they are.  I haven't been doing that.  I mean, I think about it; like, I have faith that God will take care of my path with whomever, but I don't believe it to the core that I should.  I'm now believing (and understanding) it on a deeper level.  People are impermanent beings; God, or that significant higher power you believe in, is infinite.  It will ALWAYS be there.  Use it as a rock, a stronghold, a comforting hug.  It won't fail you.

I Have No Title Today

Good morning :)

Just got back from Mass (Happy Feast of the Immaculate Conception of Mary! Which coincidentally, I also chose Mary as my Confirmation name).  Having a poached egg on toast.  And can I tell you, since I bought these Poach Pods, life has been so much more simple!  Yes, yes, I can hear my mother(s) and grandmothers telling me now, "Why can't you just do it the old-fashioned way?"  And you know what, on most days I would agree with you.  There's something to be said for tradition.  But dammit, I just want my egg quick, healthy and without a lot of mess.  Enter the Poach Pod.  Fantastic.  Boil water, cover pod slightly with oil (okay, not so healthy, but I'm starting to use olive oil vs. veg oil - my daily dose of Omega-3's) and crack egg into pod, simmer and cover.  Voila!  Poached egg.  Now, the only catch is the timing; I prefer my egg to be runny (else what's the point, really), but I accidentally cooked it too long this morning and it's solid.  Oops.

Things with JC are better and I'm happy.  Or at least, as happy as I can be for now (really... I asked myself this morning if there was any pleasing me.  I wish I was joking).  I think I'm starting to figure him out a bit more.  Honestly, I'm unsure why they have to make things so difficult, though I suppose women can't talk, can we? ;)

Been studying for my final this Friday.  Eek!  In fact, I should be studying now.

Got my bloodwork back from the endocrinologist.  Normal.  Everything's bloody well normal.  Thyroid (TSH, Free T3 and T4, antibodies, etc), magnesium and glucose.  I dropped my sugar so low that day I was near faint, and it's still normal.  Frustrating to say the least.  Now, don't get me wrong, I really don't wish to have a thyroid condition, but I was just hoping for an answer.  Seems we'll have to do a lot deeper digging and a lot more thinking.  Have an app't this morning with my GP to get a referral to a new gastroenterologist.  New to the scene, apparently, so lets hope he knows how to think outside the box.

I think that's all today.  Weather has been nice.  Cold, of course (we're sitting around -9C/15F) but little wind, which is fine by me.  I always say I don't care if it's 50 below, just don't let it be windy.  Snow on the ground, but not a fraction as much as London (a city to the SW of us by about an hour or so).  Schools etc are closed there and it won't stop until tomorrow.

Well, best I get on with things.  For those on the M-F work week, you're half way there.  Those in school.. be strong; another week and exams will be over.  Not working today?  Hmm.. maybe get some baking done?  Go for a brisk walk?  Stay warm, whatever you do! :)

I Wish I Didn't Have To Publicize This...

You know, I hate that I'm hurting.  I feel this literal, physical void in the centre of my being and I want to hunch over in hurt.  Things with JC have taken a turn (a few days ago) and I thought I was on the road to resolving it with myself, but, I see that I am no further ahead.  I hate that it bothers me.  I hate that I'm blaming myself so much.  I hate that I am in tune with things, with myself, with the universe...how I've been shown how things are meant to be, yet I can't voice it because it would scare him off even further (would he even be able to trust my 'sight'?).  Being in tune can be a blessing, but in times like this it's a curse.

I have an energy about me the past couple days that has been a nuisance.  It's like every molecule and cell is lit with electricity.  I'm fidgety.  I start working on one thing, then get up and work on something else.  I have no peace.

Babu is snoring.  Perhaps I should join him.

Getting There

I've been in this sort of.. mental rhapsody lately.  It's been a heavy, hectic and emotional week and there are a hundred and one things going on in my head all at the same time and I can't find any quiet, despite my best efforts.  Thoughts are rapid and fleeting.  Negative self-talk abounds, a little too much for my own liking.  My thoughts are oxidizing and fueling my anxiety into anger; one of the worst sorts of enemies.

And then it occurred to me suddenly as if a thought was implanted into this...chaotic cranial compartment of mine - you only get what you give.

In order for me to receive love in abundance, I must *give* love.  That means letting go of all hurts, confusion, resentments and the ability of not being able to forgive.  Forgiveness MUST happen to find peace (not saying that's the one answer to the equation, but it helps).  Anger must be discarded and not clung to.  Confusion has to be doused with faith that all will work out as it's meant to; not trying to search and analyze everything to it's most minute element to try and figure out 'why'.  Detachment.  Buddhism believes very much in detachment and studying it many years ago has helped me in my faith journey, even today as a Catholic.  This means opening up your heart so you can receive the love you so much deserve.

I have been too obsessed with myself and my own life and I have been given the grace to see that there are lives outside of mine (I usually have no problem with this, but the past few months have been trying).  Friends who struggle through university courses, exams and thesis'.  Girlfriends and boyfriends breaking up.  Someone struggling with debilitating cancer.  A family confronted with the holidays, just trying to make ends meet.  I need to stop thinking so much about what I'm having trouble with (school, men, work, money, health, faith.  Really, I could give you a list), and start thinking about those who are in more of need and how I can help them.  I have to have faith I will find the balance I need for my own items.  Then I'll get my reward; that little bit of heartily satisfaction that I've helped someone.  Though please understand, it is in no way my motivation.

Wishing you a relaxing and peaceful Sunday evening.

Quotes

I found this on a friends status on Facebook.  I borrowed it.  I thought it was sort of perfect for how I am feeling lately...

I am feeling perfectly imperfect, beautiful in my flaws, sure of my insecurities, absolute chaos...a beautiful disaster.
~ unknown

Good News

Well, it may or may not be successful, but it's a start.  For those interested, Monsanto's been ordered by the Federal Government (U.S) to remove and destroy all sugar beet seed plants.  Fantastic news.  Naturally, Monsanto is appealing and Lord knows they have the money to do it, but I hope this judge is as on his ball as he appears.