Really, I wanted a break. No rest for the wicked, I guess.
I was speaking with an old friend this morning (we've known each other 20 years) and I was discussing my current.. situation.. and he reminded me to go slow and not push for commitment. Then it dawned on me.. I've always been like that (thus I said to him after a pause, "I've always been like that, haven't I?" "Yes!" he responded. Eek). I was dumbfounded. I really have been. I remember that since I was at least.. geez, D. and I have known each other since we were 14. 14! I'm staring at the screen because I'm speechless right now. What on *earth* has compelled me since I was 14 to desire so much commitment from men? And how do I make it stop?? And it's so odd that I would desire so much from men.. my stepfather was abusive (and other male family members) so you'd think I'd want to run in the other direction. But ever since I can remember, I've had that hope. Today's it's a lot more stronger and identified, but back then it was silent and reclusive but crying for attention.
I... don't know where to go from here. And it's something I HAVE to figure out because it affects every single relationship/contact/friendship or otherwise, that I have with men. I cling. I don't want to have to cling anymore. I'm sure they don't want that, either.