Sunday, December 12, 2010

More Self-Reflection

Really, I wanted a break.  No rest for the wicked, I guess.

I was speaking with an old friend this morning (we've known each other 20 years) and I was discussing my current.. situation.. and he reminded me to go slow and not push for commitment.  Then it dawned on me.. I've always been like that (thus I said to him after a pause, "I've always been like that, haven't I?"  "Yes!" he responded.  Eek).  I was dumbfounded.  I really have been.  I remember that since I was at least.. geez, D. and I have known each other since we were 14.  14!  I'm staring at the screen because I'm speechless right now.  What on *earth* has compelled me since I was 14 to desire so much commitment from men?  And how do I make it stop??  And it's so odd that I would desire so much from men.. my stepfather was abusive (and other male family members) so you'd think I'd want to run in the other direction.  But ever since I can remember, I've had that hope.  Today's it's a lot more stronger and identified, but back then it was silent and reclusive but crying for attention.

I... don't know where to go from here.  And it's something I HAVE to figure out because it affects every single relationship/contact/friendship or otherwise, that I have with men.  I cling.  I don't want to have to cling anymore.  I'm sure they don't want that, either.


Bix said...

How do you mean ... cling? That is, what is an act that you would define as clinging?

I don't know (I really don't know), but maybe what one person sees as clinging, another person sees as caring?

Perovskia said...

Hmmm.. clinging. Good question and I don't know if I can articulate it. It's a feeling. Like, constant communication, wanting attention from them (so if I'm not getting it, it means I will create ways TO get it). It's more than that (so much more than that), but I guess that's a bit of a basis. Men need their space, they don't like the clinging, always.

If someone saw it as caring, my world would be set. But I've made advances since I wrote this post (which I may or may not blog, I'm not sure yet) and I'm in a different spot now. Give me some time to reflect and if I can I'll mention the differences.

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