Really, I wanted a break. No rest for the wicked, I guess.
I was speaking with an old friend this morning (we've known each other 20 years) and I was discussing my current.. situation.. and he reminded me to go slow and not push for commitment. Then it dawned on me.. I've always been like that (thus I said to him after a pause, "I've always been like that, haven't I?" "Yes!" he responded. Eek). I was dumbfounded. I really have been. I remember that since I was at least.. geez, D. and I have known each other since we were 14. 14! I'm staring at the screen because I'm speechless right now. What on *earth* has compelled me since I was 14 to desire so much commitment from men? And how do I make it stop?? And it's so odd that I would desire so much from men.. my stepfather was abusive (and other male family members) so you'd think I'd want to run in the other direction. But ever since I can remember, I've had that hope. Today's it's a lot more stronger and identified, but back then it was silent and reclusive but crying for attention.
I... don't know where to go from here. And it's something I HAVE to figure out because it affects every single relationship/contact/friendship or otherwise, that I have with men. I cling. I don't want to have to cling anymore. I'm sure they don't want that, either.
2 comments:
How do you mean ... cling? That is, what is an act that you would define as clinging?
I don't know (I really don't know), but maybe what one person sees as clinging, another person sees as caring?
Hmmm.. clinging. Good question and I don't know if I can articulate it. It's a feeling. Like, constant communication, wanting attention from them (so if I'm not getting it, it means I will create ways TO get it). It's more than that (so much more than that), but I guess that's a bit of a basis. Men need their space, they don't like the clinging, always.
If someone saw it as caring, my world would be set. But I've made advances since I wrote this post (which I may or may not blog, I'm not sure yet) and I'm in a different spot now. Give me some time to reflect and if I can I'll mention the differences.
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