And Here I Go 'Round the Merry-Go-Round

I have been putting off writing; it's another one of those phases where I'm sorting out things in my head.  Today I'm battling my inner demons and realizing whatever "truth" may be going on in my head may be different than the truth going on in actual, physical life.  We all have different perceptions of things sometimes, don't we?  We carry our past with us and are conditioned, to a point.  For someone who doesn't often take things personally (those that know me and would like to interject - being passionate is different than taking things personally!) :) I have been.  Perhaps relationships are the only place I do.  I don't at work, really, or life in general, but with friends (to a point; somehow I seem to know when to shut that off) and men I do.  I seriously need to become a nun.

I also wanted to interject why the past couple weeks have been trying, but I think I'm going to keep that to myself.  I was given a piece of information and it changed my life (in a minor way, but for the positive).  I'm thankful.

Health - Ugh.  I'm trying to get back on the bandwagon.  I hadn't been eating well the past couple weeks; sugar spikes, thus sickness spikes, thus emotional spikes.  It's a vicious cycle.  Feeling good today, though.  Getting some groceries tonight and I'm going to make a list (gasp! ..rare for me) and make actual meals as much as I can.  I have a lot of time off this week.

Happy Monday, all.  I hope it goes quickly for you :) And don't forget to smile! :)

Quotes

There's an important difference between giving up and letting go.
~ Jessica Hatchigan

Came across a couple of articles and wanted to share.  They may or may not be of interest to you.

This is an article on organic milk and studies showing it's more nutritional than conventional milk.  I think this is one of those topics where people will fight to agree or fight to disagree, so to each his own.  Take from it what you will.

This is an article on the craze of the latest superfoods (15, to be exact).  It's funny that they label these 'superfoods' - as they are - but they always have been, right under our very noses.  Don't forget to be open to sampling some new foods this year.  Expand your palette!

Laissez-Faire, I Am Not

I'm looking outside at the nice snowfall.  The temperature is supposed to rise and rise to a balmy -2C overnight. Joyous.  I won't be freezing my ass off whenever I walk somewhere.

I think I'll make a tea; I'm feeling something in my throat.  Serves me right; I haven't taken orange juice or my vitamin C or D for a few days, I think.

I was sitting back reading my French cookbook and I've found another recipe to tackle - Tarte au Citron.  I can't wait.  It causes me to buy a zester and a tart pan (with removable bottom, that I was going to use for another chocolate tart recipe anyways).  Oh, darn ;)

It got me thinking more; everything that interests me isn't of things around me or of things that SHOULD interest me.  For instance, I'm naturally drawn to Italian language, French cooking/baking & decorating and both lifestyles.  Neither are Canadian (though I dare you to define 'Canadian') and neither are traditionally Dutch (father's side) or Scottish (mother's).  I do have a slight affinity for some things Scottish/Celtic, but it's minimal.  My ex was intensely German, but I don't know if that counts for anything (I tried the language with success, but not keeping it up it lost its luster).  The only thing geographically correct about me is my location!

Bleh.  I've had a few things to write about, but I've got an awful lot on my mind lately and since I've started this post, I've gotten sidetracked several times.  I've been completely absent-minded today and not with it at all (forgetting things, not seeing things I need that are right in front of me).  I had a bit of an emotional time on the mat this morning so.. maybe I just need to not do anything the rest of the day.  I'm going to a movie soon (The King's Speech) so I'll just chill until then.

Quotes

Some people get by with a little understanding.  Some people get by with a whole lot more.
~ Sisters of Mercy (industrial music band)

Some Pictures..

Well, I'm uploading some pics from the past week.  A few Babu shots, cause, why not?  And of some baking I did.  I made an Almond Raspberry Clafoutis from a French cookbook.  It was DIVINE.  Out of the oven and warm it was.... mmm.  I also made a Creme Anglaise but I haven't taken pics of that yet (and it's almost gone!).  So, nothing fancy this week, just some random shots.

He has moments where he goes a little cat crazy and climbs the walls.  Really.  Maybe it's the ghosts playing with him.

See?  I don't know what he's looking at.

I walked in the door when I came home from work and this is what was waiting for me.  LOL.  I thought he was so cute with his head popping out I had to drop everything and take a pic.  Sorry it's grainy.

Eye spy with my little eye, someone that is... sleeping.

Unfortunately, the next few pics might be a bit blurry; it was before I changed the setting on my camera (to ISO 400).  Babu likes playing with bubbles.  He gets meowing and paws at them or lets them burst on his nose.

"Argh!  Give me more bubbles!!"

"... Please?"

"What? You're going to brush me instead? Great! I love trying to eat my brush that has a hundred sharp, spiky, metal things on it".  

Raspberry Almond Clafoutis.  Yum.

It would have looked prettier if I had raspberry sauce swirled on the plate, yes?  It was dusted with icing sugar and I fear it's all escaped into the white plate; you can barely see it.  (It's okay, it didn't stay on the plate long anyways; I had two pieces. Shh!)

Women, Borrowed

I want to link you to a post I read this morning on one of the blogs I follow.  I want to link it because she articulates that connection between women that makes the world a better place.  It's that silent connection that I love among my fellow women friends and sometimes search for in those I do not yet know.  I don't know how else to describe it.  It's instigated by discussing a play she's in, so if you're theatrically-inclined, this is also for you.

You can read it here at Bless Our Hearts.

Quotes

"Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down."
~Unknown




This is where I'm at right now.

Incomplete

So, doing more self-work and re-wiring.  The way I need to change some of my thinking... I feel like I'm removing my arm.  I literally feel like I'm removing a limb, it's that difficult.  Yes, I'm removing a gangrenous arm. You wouldn't keep the arm, would you?  You don't want the bad stuff to spill into the good stuff, so you have to isolate it and remove it.  Same with my mind.  I have to stop and isolate certain thinking, so it doesn't affect my body or the rest of my mind.  Then, someday, it will be replaced with healthy thinking.

Someday.

Not today.

The Art Of Doing Nothing

The past week has been glorious.  I've had a few days off and afternoon shifts at that, so every day has been relaxing.  I've vowed to adapt to a French or Italian way of living, if you will (however temporary, I'm sure).  Relaxing, napping, reading, knitting, doing up the few dishes after a couple of meals (instead of letting them sit for a day or two).  A lot of work has been done around the apartment; (much needed) cleaning, organizing, throwing away of things old.  I feel a little more at peace and a little less OCD.  I'm not rushed.  Doing things when I need to do them, not putting them off, concentrating on the effort at the task at hand and not on anything else, then resting.  As quoted in Eat, Pray, Love, "The art of doing nothing".

Which isn't to say my mind is taking example.  I'm still thinking and over-thinking things.  I find it's easier to be mad at someone else, than yourself (which isn't at all proper and I recognize this).  That's all I'll say about that.  Maybe I should write a post, 'The Art Of Letting Go'.  Ugh.  I swear it's a daily battle.

I've been practicing my yoga semi-daily; it has also helped me slow down.

Stopping the hectic that is life will hopefully help my stomach.  Not that I ever scarf down food or eat like it's going out of style, but practicing slow digestion re-trains the system to recognize itself again, notices upsets (thus perhaps prevent said upsets).  Not my goal, but hopefully a positive by-product.  This is also adapted after French or Italian ways, non?

Which brings me to say.. and this is very odd perhaps to hear.. but have you ever felt like you're living where you're not meant to live?  Ever since I was a child I've felt like a foreigner in this country.  I've ALWAYS felt I should be in Europe.  Always.  I'm first generation Canadian on my fathers side (Dutch) so maybe it's just cause it's...literally... in my blood?  I don't know.  But I don't feel I belong here.  This is the first time I've made that thought public.  I've adapted, but only because I've had to.  My head and heart have always been overseas.  Perhaps a subconscious reason for picking foreign men.  Interesting reason, that.

And I think I'll depart on that note.

Pictures!

Well, I've been slacking.  I promised you pictures (Babu pictures, at that) so here they are!

I laid the sheet over the chair as it needed just a little extra time to dry.  Babu goes to laundry like a fly to honey.  He'll find it, curl up and I won't see or hear from him for hours.

Cleaning.  Attractive, isn't it?

I got up close and personal with this one :) Click to enlarge.

I'd had my duvet out for when a friend stayed over. There's a cat under there, somewhere....

I think I see something.... 

Babu!

... and then he came out for air.

We were lounging around one day. My feet up on the ottoman (I'm only allowed a small corner, as you see) and Babu stretched out on the rest, having a sun bath.

I was going through my pictures and I thought I would treat you to a few of baby Babu, just when he was a little guy... 

Shhh....

He's always loved his windows.

He would lay in front of that fireplace.  Loved the heat.  Frankly, so did I :)

This has always been one of my favourite kitten pictures of him.

Quotes

The human heart is no small thing, for it can embrace so much.
~Origen, Egyptian Christian scholar and theologian, 3rd Century

Throwing Away

I've stopped to blog as I just threw out 2 old map books.  One was local, from 2004 (from when I moved to the area I presume) and one was Toronto, 2001.  The Toronto book was a hard one to throw away.  I flipped through the pages, what was paper-clipped for quick/frequent access and memories and emotions flooded me.  A first name and phone number on a piece of paper (whom I can't remember now).  How can we feel apprehension discarding an inanimate object?  It's so stupid; but I've had a lot of emotional ties to that book.  It took me a lot of places to a lot of people.  I felt a sense of dread as I threw it out.  Panic.  What was I doing?  (After taking the spiral out and discarding half in recycling) I questioned if I was I doing the right thing.  Maybe I should hang onto it?  Maybe I wasn't ready to let go of those memories just yet.

I threw the remaining pages in the recycling, shut the lid on the container and walked away.

Quotes

Show me your hands; do they have scars from giving?  Show me your feet; are they wounded in service?  Show me your heart; have you a place for divine love?
~ Fulton Sheen

I'm At It Again

Well, I've kept it a 'secret' because if I talked about it, I wouldn't do it/go through with it (I'm funny like that. I'm all talk in my head and sometimes I over-talk things and never physically carry them out).

Tonight I went to my first yoga class.

Post-assessment, I'm feeling very tired.  My stomach is a little angry with me (part bloated/PMS, part IBS saying 'what the hell was that').  So tired.  But I felt good after class and otherwise continue feeling so.  I'm carrying myself better, I'm not rushing and I'm more mindful of my steps. But can I have my bed now, please?

I have laundry to put away and a small dinner to make before I have an early bedtime.

Just wanted to share :)

Edit:  Gah.  I totally forgot half the reason why I started writing this.  Just when I thought I was done learning, I've thrown myself with propulsion into yet another class, another learning activity.  And it happened right under my very nose.  It seems a lot of what I do is without much thought and just seems sort of... automatic.  I guess I'm not done learning after all, right when I thought I was.

Quote

You have to give up the life you planned to find the life you want.
~Unknown

Does It Ever End?

AAAARRRGHHHH!!!!!!

I want to cry.  Maybe even scream a little.

I hate life today.  Am I allowed?  It's only temporary.

Read that when I say I hate life, it means I hate me.

I'm mad at myself.  Yes I'm being too hard on myself.  Yes I need to be more gentle with myself and practice all the things I preach.  Yes I'm finding fault in being human - the exact opposite of what I believe in.  I'm going to talk some things out as I work them out in my head.

I have problems letting go of things (I know some of you that know me well are saying to yourselves, "Really Jody?  REALLY?  Well.. duh.").  I'm trying not to make a rhetorical statement.  And yes, before you comment further, I know this is a common human fault that everyone is guilty of.  I just hate today that I can get so wrapped up and lost in things.  I hate even more that I do it so easily.  It's stupid because I know this is who I am (or is it? Does it define me?).  I've come to terms the past year that I'm a very passionate person and not everyone... appreciates (or lets be honest, really.. knows how to handle) this character trait.  So do I have to conform?  Or does someone else need to conform to me?  Is it even about conformity at all?

I hate that I'm on this fucking holiday emotional roller coaster again.  Two days ago I was happy.  I was so happy and I had an inner peace that not even the explosion of the Death Star could destruct (random).  But today.... ahh.. to hell with today.  I don't want to go to work.  I just want to stay home, curl up with my cat and get lost in a book.  Anyways, I'm getting sidetracked.

When we let go, that's when things come to us.  It's when life happens.  When we don't try so hard and finally relax, God (or the universe, interpret it as you may) brings us what we need.  And it can be anything in any context - a job, love, family.  So how do you relax?  How do you let go of the one thing you want most?  When we focus on not "getting what we want" it amplifies the mood and makes it worse, as if there were such a thing.  Not only that, but for me (and this is strictly for me, I know the thought-process doesn't fit everyone) it distances me from God and what I hold sacred and trust most.  When I realize that it makes me sad.

It can be done but it's not easy.  In fact, I think I've proved with myself it's one of the most difficult things in the world.  I know I've written about this before and I apologize because I'm sure I'll probably write about it again.

Well, I'm going to take my sorry ass off the computer and grab some lunch.  I'm going to chalk my mood today to the weather (it's dreary and raining out) and PMS.  Anyone got a hug?

Looking Back, Looking Forward

It's just after 6am; I've slept my (interrupted by New Years texts, mind you) 8-hour sleep and feel fairly rested compared to the last couple days.  I was actually up at 5 this morning, but went back to bed to rest a bit more.  Babu laid with me, but then my stomach was growling so much I had to get up.

Went out with my buddy JL last night (he's an old highschool friend of mine, known each other 20 years now) and he helped me run a couple errands then we went and had sushi.  Now I don't eat a lot of fish, I mostly just go for the vegetarian stuff, though I am hooked on white tuna (which reminds me B., do you know how sustainable white tuna is?).  Twice I accidentally ordered a cucumber and avocado 'roll', instead of 'handroll' which I prefer.  Well hell, I had not 6, not 12, but *18* pieces of cucumber and avocado roll.  Sweet Jesus, I thought I was going to explode.  It's a good thing I love them :)  I started to get giddy after!  Plus tempura (mmm... tempura) and teriyaki chicken and my white tuna.  Gah.  I might have to go to Confession for gluttony.

So what originally brought this post was reading some of my friends' Facebook statuses last night.  It's a common phrase to say, "Lets hope this year's better than the last" but I feel compelled to analyze this statement.  We always say that, don't we?  We always think we've had such a shitty year that we expunge that feeling forward into this great sense of hope.  Now to be fair, I can personally attest that myself and some of my closest friends have had a really trying year; there's been border-crossings (new addresses), long-distance loves, difficult school semesters and the choosing of career to follow, losing relatives, losing babies, losing friends, health, the list goes on.  But what *successes* have you had?  Why do we, at the end of the year, always remember the bad stuff?  The last year was trying, I'll give you that, but look how more settled you are in your new life!  Those changes brought a new-found stability in the current life-role you're in.  If you're one of the ones that hasn't acquired the change you wish you had, I think it's still made you more concrete in your thoughts about what you want and it's giving you the power to go after it.

I want to challenge you (okay, it's not much of a challenge....or is it?) and I want you to give me the top three things you're most thankful for, for 2010.  I'd really like everyone to do this.  It doesn't have to be your "top 3", even just the first three things that come to mind.  Here's mine....

1. Learning infinite amounts about myself (that I can't contain in one post if I tried) that has helped me change into the person I want to be.  This is my top appreciation.
2. Learning a new appreciation for food; where it comes from, who it comes from, the process in which it's obtained and how to nurture my body with it.
3. Educating myself.  My mother said when I dropped out of college that I'd never go back (and honestly, I wasn't sure I would, either) but I did.  I've proved to myself you're never too old to learn.

Aaaaaaaaaaand... Go!

Celebrate

Happy New Year!

May the coming year bring you prosperity (in whatever context you need), being surrounded with those who love you and well-deserved happiness.