Catch Up, Travels & History

Well, another month has flown by.  You shouldn't be surprised it's taken me this long to write (I am surprised, but that's every time I sit down to write; it's like Groundhog Day).

So much to tell, but where do I start?

Choir - I've gone to 2 practices.  Very nice people, very proper and most of them are older. If someone doesn't recognize me they immediately walk up, shake hands and introduce themselves.  Do I remember names?  Not at all.  I do well to remember names at best when in English, but in new circumstances in Dutch - forget it.  Still, I reply in kind and make it obvious I'm the new Canadian girl.  The lady I sat next to last week though was from New York, so her English was fantastic.  Phew.  I will email her and ask her any questions I have; she seemed to know her stuff and communicating with her will be easy.  It turns out we don't sing every Sunday in church, though.  Not what I'm used to, but given current schedules I welcome it.  We don't sing until Feb 23rd, and that's in another church.  It seems we're the parish choir (which would explain our size; I still haven't counted all the people yet but I'm guessing around 40 or so) and we hop around between 3 churches.

I had my interview for the magazine W. volunteers for and submitted not one, but two recipes.  Read by almost 4000 people, they will learn who I am, why I came here and what brings me into the kitchen so often.  So yeah.  I don't know what I'm expecting from it, or that I'm expecting anything at all, but even when you say you "don't care" there is still a part of you that wishes for feedback or some sort of acknowledgement.  So we'll see.

I had to turn down meeting a friend in Paris the other day.  Seriously?  Who gets to say, "Oh, so sorry, but I can't get to France or Switzerland this weekend." Who says that?!  Apparently I do and it blows my mind.  I consider myself fortunate.

Last weekend (or maybe it was the weekend before) W. and I went to Zwolle; We hadn't travelled in some time and I was gettin' antsy.  For the religious folk, Thomas a Kempis settled here in 1399.  The city centre (centrum) is surrounded by a moat and canals for protection (established in the 17th century) and was also surrounded by town walls (which only survive on the north side of the city now). In the town centre in the Grote Markt is the Grote Kerk where public executions took place (we were both surprised to hear this). Unfortunately the church was closed when we got there so we couldn't go in.    I posted a couple pictures on Facebook, but for those that don't have it, I've included them plus a couple more. Click to enlarge.



The Sassenpoort, from 1409 and it's the town's oldest mediëval gate. The following pictures are beneath the gate.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Closer, on the outside

 

Outside

Outside (and W.).

 

Grote Kerk (1614) where the executions took place. The sign reads, "Watch and Pray".

 

Part of the town wall. I believe the steps were added after?  But we're not sure.

 

Town wall.

 

Town wall.

 

 

An old church converted to a bookstore. It was pretty :)

 

Town wall (and W.)

 

Town wall, bridge that raises when boats go by in canal.

 

Town wall. Sign out front a restaurant says you're welcome to board on the pannenkoekenship (pancake ship).  Pannenkoeken boats are a Dutch novelty; since the ships aren't used anymore, they're put to use for your eating pleasure.  Not in this visit but a recent one in Leeuwarden, I finally ate at one and it was quite good.  Dutch pannenkoeken (pancakes) are different than North American pancakes (larger and a bit flatter, but not quite a crepe).

 

Onze Lieve Vrouwekerk (Our Lady's Church). They were supposed to be open but opened late, even despite waiting around 20 min for them. Originally a Catholic church (the last sermon was in 1580), the Protestants took it over in the Reformation and finally gave it back in 1809.

 

Entrance to unknown church.  Guessing from the way it's set up, it's not used very often.

 

 

This city was amazing.  I got to geek out in a couple kitchen stores (I will be back!) and I got to touch walls that are 700 years old.  I was out of my head.  Incredibly humbling.  I could imagine those walls have seen a lot and I, in a way, felt my place in the world.  Small, but significant.  Each one of us makes up a whole and contributes to some sort of history. 

 



Phew! That was a lot.  So.. I need to not sit at the computer anymore :)  Hope you enjoyed the pics!  I am going to have lunch, do some cleaning up and organizing and prepping tonight's dinner.  W. has planned a surprise for me for my 6th-month anniversary here (which was actually Jan. 4th).  Can't wait!

 

Doeg!



There Are Good Days, and Then There Are Bad...

I went to the gym yesterday to meet up with a new friend.  Found her, chatted a bit and started on my workout.  Yesterday was just cardio so I hit the treadmill for a half an hour.  There were two women to my left who seemed to know each other and were talking.  After warming up, I increased my speed and started running for a few minutes.  They seemed amazed (?), said something to each other, then the lady closest to me looked over and said something Friesian with a smile.  I said in response (also with a smile), "Sorry, I only speak English." So she nods, turns around and starts talking to her friend again as if I didn't exist.  I received no acknowledgement at all. 

*blank stare*

Wtf just happened?  I was more put off by her rudeness not acknowledging me, than by her refusal to speak English.  This is what I face here sometimes.  When I say they don't speak English here... THEY DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH HERE. 

When I detach my emotions from the situation, I can tell you she was startled at the English as it's not regularly encountered, probably felt too timid to try and it was just easier to not talk at all (at least, I hope this is it).  Was it rude?  Yes.  Is it a common response?  Not entirely.  When I ask people to say what they said in English, they get put off by it and don't repeat it at all, but at least most continue some form of conversation.  Also, if I step back, I could have approached the situation differently and responded in a way that was more open, and not perhaps closing off the conversation.

By the time I'd gathered myself together and thought of a proper, friendly response, they were done and had walked away.  Fail.

If I put my emotion back into it (like I did last night), I felt shunned, tiny, distant from a place I'm trying to connect, insignificant, like a jerk, wonder why I bother... I could make a list.  It also was a straw that broke the camels back and it felt 10 times worse than the situation actually was. It was another reminder that I'm the minority, this isn't my original home turf and I am of course the one that has to keep adapting, not necessarily them (at least I feel, more so).

My lack of response bothered me.  The past few years and the move especially, I've become this person who doesn't say anything, tries to be the nice guy and let's things just smooth over.  Anyone who knows me knows that's not who I am.  I don't get walked over.  I stand up for moments when I feel I'm being disrespected.  I give my opinion.  I'm a very passionate person.  I'm not a little mouse in the corner, I'm a raging lion.  Only, I know the reactions to the raging lion weren't always great and I have indeed become the little mouse - and now I'm trying to find a happy medium between the two.  So many circumstances have come up lately that this has now become something that I can no longer ignore.  It's time to change. 

How do you see this behaviour when you expected more of yourself and are disappointed on so many levels... and still practice self-compassion?  Brené Brown suggests expressing this intention, "I will talk to myself the same way I talk to the people I love."  When your best friend or partner is beating on themselves for particular behaviour, do you say, "Yeah, you're being a jerk. You really shouldn't have done that. What were you thinking?"  No.  We approach them with love and kindness and give them the best empathetic response we can.  It doesn't make saying that to ourselves any more acceptable. 

I have to practice what I preach.  Which is not easy.

Y'know what?  It really sucks having to be a grown up sometimes.  The only thing I wanted last night was to shut off, escape somewhere where my problems ceased to exist.  I wanted to not make an effort.  I wanted my home, my city, my street, my cat, my friends.  I wanted the familiar.  I am building a (fantastic) friend base here, but it just didn't feel the same to reach out to them.  I wanted to call someone up from back home, go for a coffee and vent it off and go window shopping. 

Instead, I cried it off, called it a day, woke up and brushed myself off and am trying this thing called life integration again.  Hiccups will happen, I know that.  This just reminded me to keep my wits about me and to try and remain more open to those around me who might have a harder time at adjusting to conversation than I do. 

In the end I am thankful I get to learn about myself.  Onward and upward!

Starting Over

There are a hundred titles I've thought of for this post...
"Overwhelm"
"Breaking Through"
"Guilt"
"Vulnerability"
"Courage"
"Honesty"

I can't decide.

With a bit of a breakdown this morning, I had a bit of a breakthrough (they go hand-in-hand, I think.  I'm also channelling my inner Brené Brown). What started as an email to a friend about a lack-lustre prayer life, ended up turning into a confessional.  Except not so much to them, as to myself.  I'd given a voice to what has been silently bothering me for the last 3 months.  With my lack of talking to friends (like, real conversations, I don't mean "how are you liking it there? or What's different? or How's the weather?")** or blogging, I've been keeping inside what (I think) makes me - me; expressing my vulnerability, really talking about life and it's meaning or impact on ourselves or each other or challenging ourselves.  Needless to say I've been stuck in my head a lot... and for whoever's been there... that's *not* a good thing.  After said email, I spoke to a friend who gave me things I needed to hear and helped raise some awareness.  So it's time for me to get honest.  Brutal truth, guys.  Brace yourselves (or maybe I should...) :/

I'm overwhelmed.
I feel stuck.
I shut off way too often (Facebook? Pinterest, anyone?).
I rush through situations that are uncomfortable (usually per language barriers).
I see my admitting overwhelm as a sign of weakness and it is attached with guilt (how can I feel overwhelmed? I'm not working a 50-hr week, have 5 projects on the go or involved with 3 clubs).
I've been using food as comfort (my ever-expanding waistline is a proving indication).
I've had much higher expectations of myself coming here than I was willing to admit (part inflicted by me, part inflicted by society and friends).
The kicker is I hide all of those points.  Even to W. sometimes (s'ok, you can judge). 

I have now been challenged to re-write what I see as 'overwhelm' and conversely, 'successful'. 

Overwhelm is not always having 50 things on the go. Sometimes overwhelm is having one major thing on the go, with maybe 5 baby things trailing behind it.  Overwhelm is being reminded *every minute* that I am in a situation that has no "quick fix" and that it will take a lot of time and effort to get to a point where I will be completely comfortable (like with the language, or not being able to find a job).  Overwhelm is trying to be okay with the fact that I have control issues and I am in a situation that in part, I have no control over.  Overwhelm is wanting to learn a language in 5 minutes so I can move on with life and not feel like an outsider.  Overwhelm is having my bf's mother encourage me to look into getting a Dutch drivers licence when I have (yet) no desire to drive.  Overwhelm is feeling happy in a life I wanted to be in with a man that loves me but feeling conflicted because I miss my friends, my town, the comfortable flow I had in my life, my sociability, my (let's get real)... safety zone.

Success is not always becoming CEO, or having lots of friends, or the biggest house on the block.  Success is moving to a new country, leaving everyone and everything familiar behind.  Success is, when you do have the nerve, to smile and say hello to your neighbour and comment on the weather - in your new language.  Success is admitting overwhelm.  Success is feeling like crap but seeing the positive anyways.  Success is being gentle with yourself.  Repeatedly.  Success is giving yourself permission to feel ovewhelmed, in any situation.  Success is after you think that by moving to a new country you're starting over, that three and a half months into said move, do you indeed need to state again that you are "starting over" (see explanation below).

It's hard to find a point of where to start (moving on, moving forward) since there's so much to do.  What's the indicator that tells you how and where to begin?  That's the hard part.  So, for today and moving forward, I will look at things with a fresh perspective.  This is a big deal.  There is a lot of effort involved.  It will take a lot of time.  I will need to make baby steps to get to the bigger things that I visualize in my head I see happening for me.  Now that I've given it a voice, I'm okay with it (instead of running away from it).  I'm okay with there having to be effort.  There is now a sort of peace (temporary, I'm sure).  Or maybe I should say.. I've reached a point now that I can relax a bit and let life come to me, instead of pushing through to get to it. 

On that note, I am going to make a late lunch and get out for a bike ride.  I hope you're having a fabulous week!


** Not to say I don't enjoy these conversations; I just find I need a bit more of the dig-deep, feeling-connected ones.

Cultural Differences

First.. technical difficulties: Chrome isn't letting me log on to make a new post (ironic that Google isn't letting me log in to contribute to a Google blog.  Just sayin').  It's literally not giving me the option at the top of the page to create a new post.. so.. I've had to.. *gulp*.. resort to IE.  Excuse me while I shudder slightly.  *shudder*

Anyhoo... I've been wanting to write about cultural differences for a while but wanted enough to write about.  Where can I start?  Some things may be ones I've mentioned before, but only now shedding them in a different light.

Roads.  I'm getting used to them, especially cycling.  I'm learning the rules of their roads and say, how to proceed at an intersection (none of which have stop signs).  They also follow the rule "those to the right proceed" so that's easy.  I haven't gotten myself killed yet, so I put that in the 'win' column.  You REALLY have to keep your eyes open on their roads, there's so much going on; drivers (multiple), cyclists (multiple), the odd walker.  And it's true, everyone really does ride their bike here. 

Health.  W. and I were just discussing how he's going to a doctor's appointment next week and I asked him when the last time was he got a complete physical.  He looked at me funny.  They don't do that here.  Then I looked at him funny.  I said, "What?  You're not a medically-induced hypochondriac society?" :P  And they have some of the healthiest people world-wide.  They're doing something right, and I kind of like this mentality.  Physicals were never my favourite, anyways.  That's a rant saved for a later date. 

Food.  Local food (i.e desserts) is highly wheat-based, as you may have guessed.  Cakes are the top seller.  And I don't mean a round, icing-covered sugary goodness; I mean.. dense cakes, like loaf-pan shaped.  Oh, and in home baking, they're high on springform pans (it's kind of weird).  It's almost as if *everything* is baked in a springform pan.  Now, these cakes and desserts are found in grocery stores.  If you want something special, you will find it in a restaurant (as you've seen by some pics). 

Livestock.  You can't go half a mile without seeing horses, cows or sheep.  Less popular are goats.  Today on the train to Groningen I saw a field full of cows - all lying down, almost akin to how a cat sleeps.  I mean, they were just cuddled up and relaxed and sleeping.  It still weirds me out.  I find it fantastic that the animals are so relaxed.  It shows me they're being treated well.

Stairs.  It's true; they are more narrow than back home.  It really took me back when I first arrived here but have quickly gotten used to it.

People.  People are so much happier and at ease here.  As much as G. was a fairly laid-back town, this is even more so, if that was even possible.  And they're.. *gasp*.. happy.  You can see it when you're cycling around town; everyone's smiling, they say hi to you as you go by.  It's really weird (when you're not used to it).  If they worry about anything, they don't let on about it.  I'm still adjusting to the pace, but it's a very welcomed one.

Well, that's all I can think of for today.  I'll try and write back again with more :)

Discouraged, Pt. II

It gets worse.

After talking to a couple people yesterday about said events, it turns out it's true about the age thing.  Apparently there are different pay scales per age, and since I'm not, say, 19, they can't get away with paying me minimum wage; there are different pay scales for someone who's 19, 30 or even 40.

Okay.. let's just try to wrap our heads around that for a minute.

They technically aren't allowed to ask me for my age, but they have to in order to know what to pay me?

What?

W. told me it's original intention when it came out (why it was changed to this), but I forget what it is.  When he got home last night, I got the sweet, "Honeeeey, I'm hooome." and he walks in the kitchen where I've got a scowl on my face and I said a brief, "Hello." "What happened?" he instantly asks.  "Oh, fine country you live in!" and I start yelling.  Poor chap.  He let me vent and then he made me put the dishes down (that I was subsiquently throwing around with my anger) and took me in his arms for a hug... and I cried.  It was all too much to process.  So... now I have to prove myself harder in a country that doesn't know me nor is familiar with the places I've worked?  No pressure. AND they want me to just be okay with this process, put aside my principles and bend over and take it up the ass because that's what everyone else does?  Oh hell no.

It's a good thing I work better under pressure, cause right now I'm just pissed.  For a country that touts equality, this is very unequal of them.  I'm sure there's a positive in here somewhere, I'm just not sure where it is yet.  So this is how it's going to go:  I'll apply for jobs and if I get asked again for my age I'll bite my tongue from saying, "What the f*** business is it of yours?" and politely ask them if they're interested in my skills or not.  If they evade the question, I move on.  I'm not compromising.

In reality, they're not allowed to ask me that; it's still age discrimination (and I could have reported them), but because it's been changed, they're using that to their advantage... and trying to get away with it.  They're supposed to hire you on your abilities, and the formalities (pay scale per age) come later, with the paperwork.  The sad thing is, it was a measly dishwashing position, but I would have put a lot of hard work and experience into their kithen, hoping to slowly move up the ranks.  Instead, they're sacrificing experience for cheap labour, choosing to hire inexperienced young'uns in their kitchen.  A foolish business mistake, if you ask me, when you're trying to open a new restaurant.  I have a right mind to call her back and tell her what a fool she's being.  But what do I know.

That's enough for today.  I'm going to try to keep myself occupied until W. comes home, which won't be a moment too soon.  I'm feeling a little down-trodden.  I will however, enclose a picture of our balcony :)  It's still not exactly how I want it, but still it's cosy and a welcoming place to sit when the sun isn't high.

It's Friday!

Lazy Sundays

Hoi!  Goeimiddag.  Het is zondag.  (Hi! Good day. It is Sunday.)

The extent of my Dutch doesn't go beyond that; I'm trying to learn Dutch in a Frisian-speaking town so it hinders my learning a bit.  I'm getting more anxious to learn, so perhaps we'll put the push on more.  Anyways.. that's that.

We spent a wonderful day in Groningen yesterday.  The weather was perfect, though it seems to be almost every day; cool in the morning, warm and sunny in the afternoon, then cooling back down around dinner time.  He took me to a French cafe (he knows me so well) where we each had an open-faced sandwich, fresh-squeezed orange juice and we shared pain au chocolat (chocolate croissant).  We sat outside and it couldn't have been more "European".  I'm definitely going back for more.

We went to Mass which is in English on a Saturday.  The church is beautiful, if you've seen my pictures on Facebook.  I have to say, though, I felt happier in the Dutch/Sunday Mass than I did Saturday.  Saturday is more low-key of course, so no big choir (just a couple people) and it's hard to get into things when they sing songs/hymns differently than you're used to, right down to the Allelujiah.  Now, in the Dutch Mass, they sang most Mass parts in Latin.  That was surprising, but nice.  All I could say at the time was, "Thank goodness COOL taught me how to sing Latin," but even those were sung to a different tune.  Anyways, they were all nice experiences.  I'm having a hard time finding a Dutch Missal, though.  I asked the priest last night but he seemed in a hurry to get somewhere and not too concerned to help me.  *shrug*

We passed a restaurant not yet open, on the way to Mass.  It's an Italian restaurant.  Fine dining.  I'm so tempted to apply.  I really should take some time to still integrate and get used to life here, but, I'm getting antsy :)  I'd really like to start working again, even if it's one day a week, I don't care.  I'm not sure they'll hire me, speaking mostly only English, so my chances are poor.  Anyways, we'll see, eh?

 It's a slower pace here, in the Netherlands.  On Sunday's, everything is closed (IMO how it should be) and it's a day to sun-bathe, do yard work, rest inside, whatever you like.  We were going to go to Leeuwarden today and hit up the city (or a museum or something), but with everything closed, we decided to stay home and save money (I want to see the city when everything's open).  Today, for us, is taking it easy, minor things around the house, create a grocery list for the coming week and maybe kick back with a movie or two.  Oh!  And go for a walk.  I'm making a (whole) chicken for dinner tonight.  Okay, chicken, btw, is WAY cheaper than back home.  We bought I think, 5 pieces of boneless/skinless chicken breast yesterday for just over 6 euros.  Back home, that nearly would have cost almost $20.  The whole chicken, free-range btw, was close to 7 euros.  Seven.  wtf?  And wine is cheaper, so I don't know if we're over-pricing or they're under-quality.  I've tasted the wine and it's quite nice, so.. I don't know.  

To show you how liberal the country is, we took a picture of a poster/advertisement of an exhibition at the Groningen Museum (contains language, sorry if this offends anyone).  For the fact I have to apologize that it contains language, shows how different our cultures are.  They're not apologetic and see it as every-day language, but don't mis-understand that it gets used often.  It doesn't.  Right, well, W. took it with his phone (I didn't have mine on me at the time) and hasn't shared it with me, so I'll just have to tell you.  Sorry :/  It's called "Fuck Off 2".  It's this HUGE poster, like, building-size.  It's crazy.  

Okay.. best I move on to other things.  Will try to write more through the week with the differences I've noticed.  I really should write things down.  Hope y'all are having a great week!  Tot ziens!

Getting Settled

I started a blog post a couple days ago, but a) got tired (still, jet lag, even today) and b) overwhelmed.  How do I mention everything?  It's almost impossible.  I'm sitting in a zombie-like trance right now in the chair, but I need to keep occupied because I'm waiting for the delivery of our oven, so I thought I would try blogging again.

I've been here 5 days now.  I don't know if I've ever felt more at home somewhere.  The minute I saw Dutch soil out the plane window, I started to relax and feel....at ease; comfortable; at home.  (The flight was smooth, btw and the staff were fantastic.)  Jet lag sucks and I don't know how long it's supposed to last.  Every day I need to have a nap (from 20min-1hr).  The people here are very nice; most you pass by on the street will say hi to you.  There have been language barriers, but it all depends who you come across.  Today at the bakery, the girl (about my age?) didn't know any English, but spoke Frisian and Dutch.  It's times like that it's nice to have W. around (and he was), though I've gone out on my own and had to try to communicate.  Some know English, some don't (it's not often spoken around these parts).  We looked at bikes today (for me) and the guy spoke decent English, with some help, though him and W. conversed mostly in Frisian.

There have been a lot of differences, probably more than I can even think of to mention right now, but I'll try, in point form, to save time.....

- the cashiers sit at the cash, not stand.  All of them.
- there are no screens on the windows or doors.
- I haven't yet seen one mosquito *touch wood*
- it's a more relaxed pace of life here.
- the roads and traffic are crazy.  I don't know how they do it, but they have different rules than we do and smaller roads (in town), yet no one's been hit; they all seem to know how to maneover around each other (bikes, cars, pedestrians).  If there's one thing in this country that gives me anxiety, it's that.
- everyone bikes here.  Everyone.  Regardless of age (5 to 75) or even attire (business clothes, skirts, jeans, etc).
- the weather has been beautiful.  We've been getting a lot of sun (uncharacteristic, I'm told); it's cool at night, warm during the day, then cools down again.  Perfect.
- the Dutch have a reason for everything they do, in any context, and are usually quite efficient (though I found this out early when I was doing my paperwork).
- we walked on a path yesterday that was covered in shells.  Yes, beach shells.  It's easier for the bikes to cycle on, apparently, than say.. stones or gravel.  It was so neat.
- the countryside is beautiful. It is flat and you can see for miles.

Well, I have to cut this short because the delivery guys called ahead and they'll be here momentarily.  And they speak English! :)  Wish me luck.  I'm going to bat my eyes at them and ask them if they'll also install it (it's gas).

Dag!

So You Think You're Envious?

Common phrases I'm told is that people are envious, how brave I am, what a great thing it is I'm doing, how happy I'll be.

This?  This right now, is not happy.  This right now is done with dealing with people who AREN'T GETTING THAT I'M LEAVING.  This, right now, is done with people who don't seem to care about how I've worked with them for 5.5 years and treat my last day with them as any other.  This, right now, is done with family who have only starting to attempt making plans 3 WEEKS BEFORE I LEAVE.  This, right now, is me **so** stretched thin, that I barely have everyone and every thing covered before I go.  This right now..is me so stressed out that I don't know how I'm going to get through the next 3 weeks.

This is the dark side of moving somewhere far away.  Yes, there will be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but it's not all fun and roses.  To pick up your entire life, leave everything and everyone behind is not easy and causes very painful moments.

I'm going to cry myself to sleep now.

I Hate Decisions*

I've been putting off writing my next post.  I have a process: I get a mental list of things I want to talk about/rant/vent/divulge over time, thus a blog post is born.  Except the things I've been keeping in the back of my head as a running list... is still a running list.  Usually I've dealt with things to some degree before I write about them, in most cases, but these are constant things.

I'm anxious about seeing everyone before I go.  Not just seeing them.. but seeing them enough.  Which really won't be enough because people are busy and everyone has a life.  What hasn't sunk in for some people, I think, is that they don't get that I'm going away for a very long time (rather by cognizant choice or not).  This isn't a, "I'll see you next week, or next month or next year."  I don't know when I'll be back to visit, so it could be 2 years or 5.  Who knows.  And if you distance yourself from me as a 'coping mechanism', then.. I can't fight that.  But I hope that you don't.  / random anxious rant

I'm anxious about how to decide what to bring.  There's no clear-cut black & white line; it's grey.  Completely grey.  How do I determine something's value to me?  How do I decide what to bring, what to store (only in a Rubbermaid or two at my parents) and what to - again - discard?  I was having a conversation with someone this morning about it and the scenario about a fire was brought up.  She knew someone's house that had burned.  Completely everything in that house was burned to a crisp - except for a typical poly-plastic/fiberglass tub which should have been in cinders - remained.  It had all their pictures in it (yeah.. just sit with that for a minute).  When people have a fire, they often feel violated.  That choice to 'keep or throw away' has been taken from them.  Then there's the other spectrum where some people can't even fathom parting with all their earthly desires.  Purge?  Have to depart with items?  No way!  I'm too comfortable in my marble-encased bathroom.  Me?  I'm in the middle.  I cannot take everything with me, yet I don't have to let everything go.  And I hate it.

Another thing that causes me anxiety? (Wow, are you sure you want to keep reading?)  Between giving up my key at this place and before I get to our home there, I will have no keys on my keychain.  Key-less.  For like.. a day (or maybe two).  That sends me right into panic attack mode.  Right, so, we're going to skip over this topic.

Okay, okay.. I owe you some good stuff.  I get to start a life in an absolutely beautiful country.  The people I've met so far from there have been very kind and sweet.. and if they're any representation of the rest of the population, I have no doubts I'll befriend half of the country in no time ;)

I get to have a new adventure.  I've been *dying* for a new adventure for years.  I really need to see this for what it is.  I mean.. I'm going to be living a fairy-tale romance in Europe.  EUROPE.  I'm pretty damned lucky.  I just wish my body wasn't feeling so laggy so it could catch up with my mind.  Bleh.

I still have alcohol in a cabinet (okay really, it's in a wicker basket still from the move) that needs to be consumed before I leave.  Yo.  Who's up?

Okay.. I should stop procrastinating and do stuff.  W.'s not online for another couple hours, so I have to bide my time 'till then.  Hope y'all are having a good Tuesday!

*While this statement at this time is very true, I'm blessed and I see I'm fortunate that I have the ability to make decisions (so I don't mean to complain).  

For the Rest of You...

I forgot a couple of you don't have Facebook and haven't seen the date I announced for my departure.  Sorry 'bout that.  After the wrath that was Facebook happened, I just sort of had to take some time for myself for it to sink it and receive everyone's comments.

Leaving: July 3rd.

Yeah, it's soon.  About a month and a half.  I'd been keeping an eye on ticket prices and they were starting to rise $200+, so I had to jump at it.  And really, I just want to be there.  We're excited to start our life together.

I've received all sorts of comments; most great, a couple not so.  I get that it's difficult to process.  It is for me too, sometimes.  People are processing, "Oh, she's actually doing what she said she was going to do.  Wow."  Shock is the common response.  Given.  Still, I persevere and am trying to get things done on a daily basis that need to be taken care of; cancellations, closure of accounts, discarding items, organizing, etc.  I don't do well when there's a hundred things that need to be done.  I procrastinate.  A lot.

I shouldn't sit here too long.  There are things I need to get up and do (or not do and keep procrastinating) before sitting to talk to W. again before he goes to work.

Hope everyone's having a good week :)

Date Set

I have a date.  A date with a plane and a date with a very wonderful Dutch man.

The ticket has been bought.  But.. I'm not announcing that date yet.  Give me a day for it to sink in and then I will do a mass announcement.

Holy shit.  I just bought a plane ticket to Europe.  To move.  To live, to work in another country.  Wow.

W. and I had a very serious talk at zero-hour before I confirmed my purchase; what it would mean for us, how we'll continue to proceed in our relationship, acknowledging there will be good days and bad, but every day I will make a very conscious decision and choose to love him and choose to make an effort in our relationship and our lives - and that effort will be happily be met and returned.

For now.. I am very tired and very overwhelmed.  Not only have I dealt with the good today, but the past 24hrs I have also dealt with the not-so-good (Babu and finding him a home).  To say it's heartbreaking is saying it lightly.  And it's still not finished.

So I'm going to have a quiet evening, let everything sink in... and just chill.  I think I'm even too mentally tired for a movie.

Goedenacht.

Moving On, Moving Forward

W.'s gone only 3 days and it feels like an eternity.  So.. I keep myself busy by continuously putting things away.  The monotonous task of going through your things and finding a new home for them.. ugh.  While slightly enjoyable being in a new dwelling, it's daunting to realize you have so much (and I don't even have a lot!).  It's the smaller things that are most annoying; where do I want to put those...post-it notes?  #firstworldproblems

We're still discussing months/dates for me to move.  He's ultimately leaving the decision up to me.  We talked about it again last night and I have a month/date in mind, but still kicking it around.  Also looking at flight costs.

I'm overwhelmed; how am I supposed to get rid of everything - everything - in a span of (a potential) 3 months?  I had a hard enough time doing it when I was moving from Apt A to House B.  I have to let go of my entire life - a life I've become attached to in a city I love.  How do I decide what to ship?  If I ship /this/, should I also ship /that/?  What's the line?

It's funny; when we were sitting at Union Station on the last leg of his journey, we were waiting for the GO train (to meet my friend to go to the airport).  I contemplated going with him (not even lying, even if it was just for a brief second).  I had my Dutch passport on me, 2 days worth of clothes, my purse and ID.  I was good to go.  He put it a bit in perspective, said that I'd just 'left' everything behind (books, clothes, stereo, whatever) and everything that I can't currently decide about.  Aside from pictures maybe, there was nothing I felt I needed to rush back for (to be honest, he was the one who brought that up).  All I could think of was, "Well, I feel bad for having to leave my stuff for someone else to get rid of. That's not right."

Perspective.  Attachment.  When is something important to you, and why?

Something came up and I have to jet.  Ending this blog post. Gotta run!

Down Time

Well, I'm taking advantage of some down time; W. is having a nap and I'm just catching up on emails (I don't think I've turned my computer on at all in the better part of the two weeks) and sitting with a tea.  It's a beautiful day out and I think we'll go for a walk later on.

I'm settled in the new place.  Hrm.. settled is a loose term.  I'm.. inhabiting.  There are still boxes and random objects strewn all over.  The kitchen is the closest to being complete (of course; I mean, let's discuss priorities) ;)  I still really need to downsize and get rid of more, though.  There isn't enough room for everything.  Not just the kitchen, but the bedroom (I need to fit a dresser, a tall boy, PLUS a closet full.. all  into one dresser).  There are a few items I still need to sell off (anyone local want an air conditioner, a bread maker, a dresser and/or a kitchen table/chairs?).

When we had moving day, I kept thinking about the transition; things disappearing from the old place, looking bare, then getting used to new surroundings with the new place.  Babu is still at the old place (can't bring him to the new) and still no owner.  Really having a hard time and I'm not sure why it hasn't worked itself out.

I think we're going to work outside this afternoon.  There is some lawn furniture that needs cleaning and it's a good excuse to enjoy the weather.  The property backs onto the river and there's a table out there just asking to be sat at.  Morning cup of coffee, anyone?  Or perhaps a nice sunset...

It's nice to have W. here for the house transition.  Not just for the physical help of moving and unpacking/sorting, but for the support, for the company within new walls, for someone to talk to or make meals for when I'm not in the mood to do other house stuff.  The last week and a half have been fabulous.  Our union at the airport was a joyous one and not at all awkward or 'weird' (for never having met in person).  The coming-together was just confirmation of what we already knew; we belong together and everything that we do is natural and feels right.  We're both very happy.

Well, W. is up, so I best get up too.

We spend Thursday night in Toronto and he's back on the plane Friday.  Then.... we wait until I move there. No, I don't know when I'm moving yet (it's the million-dollar question everyone's asking).  It hasn't been discussed yet, though sometime before winter.

Hope y'all are having a good week!

There Was Once This Dutch Girl......

It'd been about a month since I was in Toronto to drop off the paperwork for my passport.  They quoted me 2 weeks, though I was skeptical with all the rush they've had to deal with, with everyone getting their paperwork in by the deadline.  I was thinking more of 3-4 weeks.  Well, this week was approaching 4 weeks.  I know better than to "let things develop" with this process (for the times I thought that, so much could have been done), so I emailed my contact at the Dutch consulate.  Sure enough she wrote back in confirmation... "They say no news is good news. Your application was accepted and you should receive your passport by next week."  I was in shock.  I stared at the words on the screen (read from my phone this morning at work).  I won't lie; I even shed a slight (happy) tear or two.  Everything has come to fruition.  

One more things crossed off the Bucket List. 

Wait, I just crossed something off my Bucket List?  All of these thoughts meshing with it like age, stage in life.. and really, a bunch of adjectives I can't think of right now cause I'm so tired.  You get where I'm going with that.  

I've sat with this news all day and I still can't get over it.  I mean, really sit with it.  W. is still without computer/Skype so I had to call him and share the news - he was the first to tell.  We had a great conversation.  We hate not being able to see each other, though.  Even more.. not celebrating in person. BUT.. 5 more sleeps :)  We will have a proper celebration this weekend, incorporating a drink of some kind, I'm sure.  Or hey, just actually being in the same room will be nice and reason enough for celebration.  

Wow.  This weekend. 

Time, it is a flyin'. 

For now, no one has agreed to go out with me for a celebratory drink (or coffee) which I'm a bit bummed about, but honestly, I'm so tired right now I'm not sure how much I could keep up with conversation.  Perhaps tomorrow will be better.  

More to write, but perhaps when I'm more coherent.

Demons

It's been a while since I've done a bare-all post so I thought about sharing this with you.

Internal demons are never-ending, I think.  It's only how much head-space we give them that shows their predominance through our lives.  Regardless of how many times you're told "I love you," it feels it never erases the past; a past that has over-written your self confidence time and time again despite your best attempts.  A past that has made you feel you're insignificant, that you don't matter, that you're somehow less than everyone else ~ by the most significant and potentially influential people in your life at that time.  Oh yes dear reader, I see the craziness in the previously written sentences, but they're still a reality and I have to honour them as such.  Even though I am much smarter today than I was yesterday, building yourself back up takes work and isn't done overnight (which thus reminds me of the quote, "Rome wasn't built in a day").  Indeed Rome wasn't built in a day.  It was completed, I'm sure, with collaboration, discussion, unity, vision, passion, strengths (and weaknesses), support, reliance on other people.  Funny how a description of building a city can so relate to building our selves.  We can't always do it alone.

But does a less-than-perfect past give much excuse to my demons today?  Why can't I just fully accept that I am loved?  Should it be that easy?  IS it that easy?  Part of me wants to say yes.  Part of me thinks I can decide anything I want and I could rightly decide that I *am* loved ~ and believe it.  But then a voice in the back of my head questions if I'm worth it, if I'm deserving of it.  Ahhh.. negative self talk rears his ugly head again.  It shouldn't be a matter of questioning; we're all human thus deserve to be loved.  The mere fact that we exist on this earth earns us the right to be loved and respected in some manner or form.

Someone said to me today it's easier to say negative self-talk to ourselves than an affirmation.  The affirmation may very well be true, but it's still more difficult to say.  Only does an affirmation hold weight when we hear it repeatedly (and, okay, maybe some self-work thrown in there somewhere).  They say it takes 10 positives to over-ride 1 negative and I like to think this has some merit.  Why can't we just let the negative go?  What purpose does hanging onto it serve us?

I was having a particular conversation with my significant other today and (after hearing things a) I needed to at the time and b) repeatedly) I've come into another phase of transition... of letting go...growing up & being better than my demons... of not being afraid to believe the good for once ~ and most importantly ~ believing him when he says he loves me, that I matter and I'm important.  I'm going to try to see what it feels like to live a life with the attitude that my negative self-talk doesn't exist.  I wonder if my perception will change or if others (i.e my loved one's) perception of me will change.  This is new, so I don't know how good I'll be at it, but I'm darn well gonna try.  If I stumble, don't be afraid to help pick me up and dust me off.

*******************

Side note: Passport application is in (even that's a story in itself; W. says I could write a book on my experiences) and now I wait.
Also, I've been getting back in the kitchen a little more (it's been very long since I've done some baking) and when I do I realize it's been WAY too long and I feel the longing more.  So tonight I made my OMG Brownies - vegan.  And hey, they're still pretty OMG :)

Killing Time

I'm too tired to do a craft/hobby so I thought I would write you and keep you posted.

How has your weekend gone?  Did you spend it with friends?  Family?  Study?  Drink for St. Patrick's Day?  Maybe you celebrated your birthday ;)

Tuesday in Toronto went well.  It was anti-climatic.  We (my friend/neighbour C. came with me) got to the consulate early and when a gentleman was about to help me, he had to verify something and while waiting, helped (and put me behind) a family of 5.  Five.  With a demon-child (oh...faithful reader, you think I'm being facetious).  Which set me back almost an hour and a half.  In a hot office.  With said demon-child.  No matter, I wanted to deal with the same woman who's been helping me on my case so that was a small sacrifice.  Sure enough, young man went away and lady came back in.

So I'm a bit tense, right, cause I've gone over in my head a million times to make sure I've got all my paperwork and everything with me.  When I hand it in, it's a crutial moment.  This is it.  The end of it all.  Now there was a form she gave me to fill out; this was an assessment form of family history.  Like, a hundred questions.. names of parents/grandparents on both sides, dates and places of birth, dates and places of marriage, dates of immigration & naturalization, dates and places of ..everything.  It was challenging to get this information from my family because some of it is from so long ago we don't necessarily have the information.  So I hand this form to her and she says so casually, "Oh, I don't need this."  I let out a, "Ah!" in shock and bit my tongue.  I didn't care, I was almost there.  She took it anyways, it might help.

All in all, she put me in the system herself while I was there.  I beat the deadline.  I was in.

I walked around in a sort of daze after that, unable to make a decision (to the detriment of my friend).  Which is okay, cause we did some shopping.  I finally found a hoodie to replace the one I had that was old and full of holes.. *very* affordable at Old Navy.  Which was nice 'cause it offset the makeup I bought at Sephora :/  *cough*

So now I wait.  I'm told I'll hear in about 2 weeks.  In 2 weeks my life will permanently change, regardless of the decision (though I'm still holding on for a positive 'yes').  Two weeks will dictate what the rest of my year will look like.  What the rest of my *life* will look like.  Oh my.  Better not get ahead.  I keep praying.

I'm happy :)

26 days.

This Is It

Well, I go to Toronto in the morning to file my paperwork.  It's all done.  After tomorrow I wait the excruciating wait, in the meantime carrying on my life as if I'm about to move half way across the world.  They could say yes, they could say no.  It can go either way.  Still, I think positive and feel this is the right course and things are going as they are meant to.

So I'm going to keep this short tonight; I have to get my paperwork in order and prep for the morning.  Wish me luck!

33 days.

Moving Forward

Goedenavond.  Hoe gaat het en met u? (Good evening.  How are you?)

Well, it's been a fail of a Lent so far (I wonder what 'fail' is in Dutch.. ).  I swore several times a day for the first few days, though I'm pleased so announce it's getting better.  And I ate meat last night.  D'oh.  But I've been successful in drawing every day, even if it's just adding to a current drawing (vs. starting a new one).

So... I decided to rent that room.  I made the decision a deliberate one, likewise for the email per giving my notice here.  That wasn't hard.. but it was...gosh.. I don't know what word to give it.  A turning point.  Once I sent the email, I broke into tears.  I sat back and thought of this place and all the purposes it served me; this apartment has let me grow into the person I am today.. and I'm pretty proud of who I've become and it's taken a lot of hard work to become that person.  This place has seen people come, it's seen people go.  Good things have happened here and very, very bad things have happened here (and once I realized that, I was happy to leave it behind).  I won't miss the 2 flights of stairs, the uneven floors, the noisy neighbours.  I will miss my neighbours across the hall and the ability to just be able to walk over when I'm out of a certain ingredient or need to borrow something or just knowing someone's there who's familiar.  In the new house I will look forward to a backyard (!) that backs onto the river (!) where there's DUCKS!! :D (Ducks make me happy.) and there won't be 2 flights of stairs to climb and it's in a nice neighbourhood (and for those who visit via auto - a 2-way street and parking!).

Whoops, I got sidetracked.
Right so, good/bad, coming/going.  Giving notice for my current apartment was the "there's no turning back" moment.  It was the, "this is getting more real by the day" moment.  It was the, "Oh my gosh this is really happening" moment.  It's, "I'm trusting W. with everything I have" moment.  It was scary and exciting at the same time.  And suddenly this whole thing became more real.  I don't just want to slowly 'jaunt' because-we're-going-slow into W.'s arms now, I want to *run*.  It's time.

Oh, and moving into this place also means giving up Babu sooner... which I can't think a lot about right now. And selling everything sooner than I expected (the room is furnished).  So yeah.

As of this coming Monday, 2 of the 3 pieces of paperwork I need will be returned to me.  I'm just waiting for one from The Hague, NL and off to the consulate I go... then it's the big wait.  That'll require a whole new set of prayers.

Well, this day can't get any slower.  I'm waiting for said friends/neighbours across the hall and we're heading to the Wooly.  Decided I'm going to have a late dinner there (spinach, beet, chevre and chicken salad, thankyouverymuch) seeing as there's not much food in the house.  That, or I'm being picky (entirely possible).

Hope y'all are having a good weekend!

Lent - 2013

It's pretty late for me but I just got home from choir (had it on a not-usual night) but I'm not quite ready to go to bed yet.  So.. I'm going to sit here and gab to you :)

I started thinking about what to give up for Lent this year, 2 weeks before today.  I couldn't think of nuthin'.  Every year I give up swearing.  Every year I fail (though I still make an honest attempt).  Okay, 'honest' is subjective; I already broke it 5 times today :/  ..but that's how it goes every year, so don't judge! :)  I will try again tomorrow.  And the next day.  And...

When W. and I were talking about it, I asked him if anything came to him for ideas.  "Draw every day," he said.  I sat and pondered it.  If you're not artistic, you're going to think it's a pretty random suggestion.  You might think, "What the heck does drawing have to do with anything??"  S'ok, I'm not going to judge if you thought that; I almost did there for a second, too.  It's not that easy, my friends.  To draw.. *every* day.. is a challenge in itself, but since he's also artistic (very much so; I wish I could show you his work) he knew why he was asking me to take it up.  I'm not sure I can describe it best, and I'm sure others will have more elaborate and articulate descriptions, but you can get a lot done in your head when you sit to draw, at least for me.  You can zone out, you can think about nothing, you can think about everything (kind of the same effect when I bake).  Sometimes you even battle demons.  Sometimes you want to *avoid* any type of artistry because of said demons.  And sometimes you want to welcome it in for the very same reason.  It's usually always emotional.  You can lose yourself, you can find yourself.  There are a hundred reasons why one would want to apply some sort of artistry.  My job is to figure out how to apply it to Lent... perhaps how I'll deal with my frustrations (I'm a perfectionist, in case some lonely sole on this planet couldn't tell already) and where I'll turn that energy and how I'll deal with it.  I think he knows I need to do this; I've been pretty stressed lately and he's seen the full effects.  So what the hey, I'll give it a shot. I have yet to do any today and it's already almost 10:30.  Ugh.

I also might be moving before I move.  I've decided it's best to downsize; it's the only way it'll help me save money for the move.  I can't cut anymore expenses and in fact I've gained some, so I don't have much of a choice.  I was hoping to dip into my pension from the hospital when I leave, but it looks that that's untouchable (by law).  So.. some major saving needs to happen.  I've looked at a place already and it's perfect for what I need.  Also, the other girl that lives there (a student from the university) and I got along pretty good.  There was a lot of 'signs' and things being 'just so'.  Being from the same hometown and likewise half Dutch didn't hurt things, either ;)  I haven't committed yet, but I'm getting pretty close.  So that's my big news for now.  I was going to keep it a surprise, but what the hell (6) heck.  I feel pretty good about it.

I can't think of anything else to tell you right now and it's past my bedtime anyways.  Meeting my tutor in the morning so I best get rested for a good start to the day.

Hope everyone is well.  Please get in touch if we haven't spoken in a while.  It's time we have a talk :)

Catch-Up

Hey.  I thought I would attempt sitting and writing you to fill you in on what's been going on, progress, etc.  I'm not sure how I'm finding the patience to sit here; I have a million other things to do and only 2 days to do it.  I work every single day next week (an 8-day stretch) and I'm going to need all the energy I can get, which means my house has to be spotless because I'm not going to have time to clean it through the week.  Regardless, I've been wanting to write you for a while so here I am!  Now we just need to multiply me so I can be doing 5 things at once!

It occurred to me yesterday my paperwork is almost done.  Bittersweet, that is.  You put in so much concentration, effort and money that you're happy it's over, it's what you've been working towards...but...you get a drop from all that effort/energy.  And then you wait.  For what seems like forever.

Here's a basic overview of the process I've had to endure...
The Dutch consulate needs various information before processing my application for citizenship and my passport (passport is a helluva lot more simple than the citizenship, I'll tell you that off the bat).  They need basic information from me: proof of address, ID, Canadian passport, birth certificate (long form, please, not the card; filed for), etc.  What they needed from my father was a lot more complicated.  Well, not so complicated, but tedious and time-consuming.  I needed to file to Thunder Bay for a long-form marriage certificate of him and my mom, his Canadian passport, his record of citizenship papers which as I speak are rushed on their way to some government offices in Nova Scotia (and can take a looooong time to process, so please pray!!), a de-registration certificate that I had to file with the Dutch government in The Hague (I'm also waiting for his paper back; it's in lieu of an old passport that we couldn't find used to emigrate), and the birth cert. and marriage cert. had to be sent to Ottawa to be authenticated (yes, my legal papers have to be legalized).  Aaaaaall of this paperwork, when it returns to me, will be taken in person to Toronto, back to the consulate and handed in.  With, of course, a photo for my potentially-acquired Dutch passport.  Did any of that make sense?  Probably not, and don't bother trying to understand.  I'm still trying to after a month ;)

With what I've had to do and the money involved, I really can't complain and am very thankful.  I know other people have cases that are much worse, more time involved and more expensive.  You hear the horror stories.  Thankfully it's been fairly painless, barring a couple breakdowns and random "Oh my God it's really happening" reality checks.

And it's almost done.  I'm waiting for paperwork to return to me and as soon as I get everything, I go to Toronto.  And then I wait.  Excruciatingly, painstakingly wait.  It'll be out of my hands at that point and I have to give it all up to God.  I keep trying to trust in the plan, but it is challenging at best.  Ah well, what doesn't kill me...............................

 So, not much else to say.  Health-wise I've been on a completely whole-food diet (no sugar, no caffeine, no grains) and as far as my digestive tract, I feel fantastic.  I haven't used my meds in almost two weeks.  It's unheard of.  I'm really happy about that!  It's getting challenging at this point to come up with food and menu ideas, I'm *really* limited, so I'm trying to hang on and not get too frustrated.

Anyways, best to get to the chores.  Hope you have a great weekend.  It's supposed to be warming up a bit (FINALLY) in this part of the world, so try and enjoy the day!